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When Reality And Ocd Mesh.


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Hi everyone.

I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 9 years old. Throughout the years, it has progressed from "text book" OCD (Hand washing, counting, etc.) to what some termed "Pure Obsessional". They're both horrible, and anyone who has ever felt its wrath has my utmost sympathy and the world's biggest hug. It has made my life a living hell.

For the last, probably, 6 years or so, and becoming more prevalent in the last 6 months, I've been dwelling on a problem that is hard to describe, as it is a logical thought process, but has become so obsessive I can't sleep, eat, and has shadowed my thoughts and everyday life.

I've, in short, been trying to come to terms with what is "logical", and what is OCD. Or, if there is even a difference, or a "right or wrong". The biggest problem I have with this in in relationships. I tend to be untrusting naturally, and it's not even as much "untrusting" as it is "Trust needs to be earned." This in itself I feel is fine. I went through a lot of unhealthy relationships with not so good people. My history in relationships is sketchy and I'm embarrassed I allowed myself to be with these people. So I have both OCD and a history of negative experiences which have, admittedly, made me insecure.

Now it's become a problem, because when I am in a relationship or dating scenario, I can't tell if my doubts or fears are logical, or if it's my OCD and insecurity. I've had it come from both ways. There were scenarios when, looking back, I could tell there wasn't anything to be concerned about and I acted on a lot of obsessive thoughts combined with insecurity, fear, etc.

Unfortunately, I've also dealt with scenarios where I've let people tell me it was my OCD, found logic in that, and that I had no reason to be untrusting, etc. When in reality, I had a right to not be ok with their behavior. Some scenarios I found where people were outright lying, and displaying inappropriate behavior. (Cheating, lying, etc.) Other scenarios were very grey area, and while many would have been 'ok' with their actions and behaviors, a lot of people wouldn't have, and I realize now I have a right as a person to adhere to my values and walk away. (Talking to ex's beyond what is a casual friendship, lying about small things, etc.)

This is something I've been obsessed with, and is affecting my everyday life. It's harder because it's such a complicated combination of emotions, some logical and some ocd, depression, insecurity, etc.

CBT has helped with this a bit, but I'm still getting the hang of processing my thoughts through this. (It's extremely hard for me, and I frequently have to write it down to get it to process correctly.)

I welcome anyone's experiences or thoughts on this. To be very honest, I would take anyone in this forums opinion over someone who has not had to deal with a mental hardship. As much as they try. They just...don't get it.

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