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loner124

Unattractive Male Dealing With Isolation, Loneliness, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts... Need Help..

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Hello everyone,

How can I effectively deal with having a very inferior physical appearance (male, 26 years old) but craving for a successful career and a healthy relationship in a world that ignores and disregards people who are unattractive? For about two years now, I have been struggling with isolation, loneliness and general feeling of hopelesness of all my efforts. Despite working extra hard in my job, keeping a very healthy regiment including regular exercise and staying confident on the outside I realized that I will never be fully respected, appreciated or loved because people just don’t like to hang out with ugly people like me. I am struggling more than ever to keep eating healthy food, working extra hours at my job and arranging plans for the future because so far I have received mostly setbacks.

Probably the most painful consequence is a complete lack of romantic relationships. Girls just don’t even look at me unless they need my help. I have put a lot of effort into finding a date and making myself as good looking as I possibly could but no matter how hard I exercise or how much money I spend on a stylist, nothing seems to be beating poor genes and general bad looks that I possess.

I don’t know anymore, what should I keep saying to myself to stay motivated in life. Nothing seems to be able to beat my inability to fully bond with people or feel good about myself because of the way I naturally look. The realization that I will never get things that average looking people can get easily is becoming unbearable.

I would like to reach out to all physically challenged people on this forum to give me advice on how to cope with everyday life.

Thank you very much and I am sending a big hug to you all

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What makes you think you're unattractive? Each person has their own standard of "attractive." Have you ever walked through a mall or down a beach or looked through the crowd at a football game and noticed the "couples"? There are all kinds of people together. As someone who grew up bombarded with cruel insults from a very young age, I know that it's easy for us to get programmed into thinking that we are someone we are not ~ that we are fat when we are thin, that we are stupid when we are smart, that we look like a monster when we look like a normal human being. I wonder if you've convinced yourself...or someone else has convinced you...that there is something wrong with how you look and that is affecting your confidence. It took me a long time before I unlearned the lies I was taught and I could look into a mirror. I actually put signs on my mirrors that said "fat" and "ugly" to remind myself what a horrible-looking person I was. Ironically I was anorexic at the time and was underweight! Our mind can be overpowering with the messages it sends us. Perhaps instead of spending time trying to style your hair and reshape your body, you should spend that time learning that you look just fine and that you have lots to offer in a relationship.

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Perhaps instead of spending time trying to style your hair and reshape your body, you should spend that time learning that you look just fine and that you have lots to offer in a relationship.

I am at this phase in life.

I was never anorexic, but most people thought that I was. I'm a 30 year old male and I weigh 120 pounds. My freshman year in high school, I tipped the scales at 80 pounds. I didn't grow past 5'0" until I was 15. I hated being skinny and small because it made me an easy target for bullying at school. In fifth grade, a group of third graders who were bigger than me started throwing food at me one day. I tried to hit one of them back, but my fist barely reached his chin, he was that much taller than me. Being older, I was the one to get in trouble because I was supposed to "know better". So instead of fighting back, I learned to tuck and roll, get up and keep walking. This was the key to surviving and I finally learned it in eighth grade, when someone put me in a headlock and smashed my head into a granite wall...for amusement. I could have stood my ground, fought back...and I would have lost. I could have run to a teacher...and I would have been laughed at by others because I couldn't defend myself. I never even told my parents, for the same reason. Instead, I turned around and just kept walking, without looking back. Once people realized they were not going to get the reaction they wanted from me, they left me alone.

On the dating battlefield, I have been shot down by many, many, many women who I thought could be happy with me as a person and love me for who I am and not how I look. But they could not move past the biological, instinctual need for a bigger, stronger, more attractive male. It's more their loss than mine, really, but that does little to take the edge off.

Yes, I feel lonely often. I haven't been in any kind of intimate relationship for almost 10 years. I tried to get back in the game over the last year, and met with one rejection after another. It's very, very easy to let yourself feel hopeless, worthless and victimized. But I think there is a way to turn it into a motivator. I have coped with my latest rejection (which has put me on back on the sidelines for the foreseeable future) by focusing my energy on school and job hunting. I've made it my goal to become the person they wish they hadn't turned away. It may be a vindictive motive, but if it means I end up as a happy and successful person, then I'm OK with it.

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What makes you think you're unattractive? Each person has their own standard of "attractive." Have you ever walked through a mall or down a beach or looked through the crowd at a football game and noticed the "couples"? There are all kinds of people together. As someone who grew up bombarded with cruel insults from a very young age, I know that it's easy for us to get programmed into thinking that we are someone we are not ~ that we are fat when we are thin, that we are stupid when we are smart, that we look like a monster when we look like a normal human being. I wonder if you've convinced yourself...or someone else has convinced you...that there is something wrong with how you look and that is affecting your confidence. It took me a long time before I unlearned the lies I was taught and I could look into a mirror. I actually put signs on my mirrors that said "fat" and "ugly" to remind myself what a horrible-looking person I was. Ironically I was anorexic at the time and was underweight! Our mind can be overpowering with the messages it sends us. Perhaps instead of spending time trying to style your hair and reshape your body, you should spend that time learning that you look just fine and that you have lots to offer in a relationship.

I completely agree, do not think you are unattractive or you are this and that sometimes it all begins in the mind you know.

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Hello, loner124.

My advice to you is to live life.

Look... go find an average looking guy. The figure that 50% of all the men on earth are uglier than him. Yet take a walk through a mall or attend a sporting event. Lots of "ugly" guys with women and families, and seemingly happy at that. And vice versa. Ugly females with nice-looking guys.

Point being, don't dwell on this one specific area of your life. Focus on the others. Strive to excel at work. Volunteer somewhere. Join groups or clubs that focus on your interests. Participate.

You'd be surprised how many people will respond positively to someone who's got a little confidence, and who will share themselves with others.

Don't fret about any perceived ugliness. 99% of the people you run into either won't be interested in you or vice versa - other guys, females that are too young or too old, or whatever. But word will get out about loner124 who really knows his stuff about X, Y, or Z. "Oh, give loner124 a call - he's all over that stuff!"

Trust me, this really works. And eventually someone that you are compatible with will be drawn to you. These things don't always work out, but at least you'll be in the batters box, and eventually you;ll find someone with whom you can be happy.

You think you're ugly? Whatever. Lots of guys are. Or think they are. Don't worry about it - be attractive on the inside. People will listen.

(Hey, look... I'm a pretty large goon with stooped shoulders and poor teeth. Overweight. Ginormous nose. No idea what to do with my hair most of the time, so I leave ot to its own devices. And I've dated a few very nice-looking women. Married one. The marriage didn't last - 4 1/2 years, but.. well, there you are. I've got a brain. I've got a sense of humor. And my former employer (I'm either on sabbatical or retired - haven't deided which!) had the confidence in me to put me virtually totally in cahrge of the areas I was responsible for. This meant traveling on behalf of the company. Joining and being an active participant in trade associations. Speaking at seminars. Talking to groups of employees.)

This can work out for you, but you've got to realize that physical attractiveness isn't everything. Look at your other assets - maximize and broadcast them. Be an asset to yourself and others. GO LIVE LIFE. This thing will take care of itself.

By the way, congratulations on keeping yourself in shape - I wish I had. This will help you out in SOOOO many ways!

Take care - best wishes!

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What makes you think you're unattractive? Each person has their own standard of "attractive." Have you ever walked through a mall or down a beach or looked through the crowd at a football game and noticed the "couples"? There are all kinds of people together. As someone who grew up bombarded with cruel insults from a very young age, I know that it's easy for us to get programmed into thinking that we are someone we are not ~ that we are fat when we are thin, that we are stupid when we are smart, that we look like a monster when we look like a normal human being. I wonder if you've convinced yourself...or someone else has convinced you...that there is something wrong with how you look and that is affecting your confidence. It took me a long time before I unlearned the lies I was taught and I could look into a mirror.

What an great post! The best one is to think we are fat when we are thin. Good one, but so very true...sadly.

If I may, I could even add that we can get programmed to think......~ that we are boring when we demonstrate interest, that we are sad when we admire beauty, that we are useless when we lend a helping hand, that we are failures when we are learning, that we are lame when we're being true to ourselves, that we are unlikable when we are passionate, that we are creeps when we feel special.

Bottom line....the human mind will believe anything that's continuously repeated. And if enough people feel so low about themselves, there must be an infinite amount of jerks continuously warping our brains. If people want to remain harmful, than that's what they're going to do. But at this point, I won't point fingers. I'm actually starting to wonder if I ever said something that badly hurt someone else, without thinking about it enough.

Edited by The_Unwanted

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Dear, you should see some of the guys I've dated! Granted at first glance I wouldn't have noticed them, but other qualities I found very attractive. This one guy was kinda goofy looking but he was so laid back, confident, and easy to be with that girls were just drawn to him. He knew how to cook and would invite me to dinner - I found that incredibly sexy. Women were always knocking on his door though.

I'm sure you've heard this before but you're only 26, and obviously intelligent, ambitious, and in shape. You WILL find the right woman, but probably not until you stop worrying about looks and beating yourself up. The inner qualities can make anyone seem more attractive and they're far more important in the long run.

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