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Hi all.

I joined this forum because I'm struggling through yet another period of my life. I'm a 27 year old female. Although I do surround myself with a supportive and intelligent support group of friends, family, and my psychiatrist, it is often hard to describe in accurate detail what it feels like to wake up, stare at the ceiling for hours, and not once in that time have the want to move, excel, or even be alive. I believe that often, only other individuals who have experienced a hardship with depression (or disorder of any kind), will be able to really get at the core of where I'm coming from. If nothing else, in a sense, it helps to know I'm not alone. (Because that's ironically one of depressions biggest contributions.)

I originally was diagnosed with a severe case of OCD when I was 9 years old. In short, it has ruined my life. In my younger years, I would brush my teeth until they bled, and had trouble in school because I was terrified to sit on chairs. It has now progressed into a severe spectrum of OCD called "Pure Obsessional". I suffer from depression because of my struggles with OCD. I was recently told that I exhibit borderline personality disorder symptoms, which logically makes sense as I see the world in extremes. The grey area is terrifying, and where I'm going to be hurt. It seems like even if I can get one of these in order, I can never simultaneously control all of these in harmony to live a happy, healthy, life style.

I'm tired. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. There hasn't been a day since my childhood when I haven't had a moment of severe panic, or life shattering feelings of sadness. I have things in my life that do cause a great deal of happiness, but my struggle is when I can't be doing those all the time. (Photography, cooking, my animals, etc.) It's like a have moments of happiness, but the underlying base is still dark.

Things have been worse in the last six months after two consecutive romantic situations wherein I was treated poorly, or disrespected. I, personally, would rather be respected than liked, so this hit my ego quite badly. I do exhibit a great deal of mistrust and insecurity in regards to other people (A large portion of which came from negative experiences) I own that, but won't let others use it as an excuse for themselves, or use my insecurities against me to do cruel things. I've had others tell me things are my fault because of my OCD or depression as a scapegoat to weasel their way out of bad behavior. Unfortunately, it's usually after the dust settles this is evident. I have trouble telling the basis of reality, quite often, because of my borderline and OCD. I'm not sure anymore what is acceptable, what is not, or if that even exists, whether it's simply a matter of perspective and values. To be treated badly is another layer of, well, everything. It's fuel. It makes me doubt myself, fear everything, and make me feel like a bad person.It is extremely scary and unnerving, causing me a great deal of stress.

Anyway, joining this group is a part of my journey into self realization and healing. Time to motivate myself to get up.

Edited by Versi
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Hi Versi, welcome!

I'm glad you joined the group, it's been 3 years for me here and it has been a tremendous help, having a place to come and unload to people who know exactly where you are coming from. Trust me, I do. Right now I'm laying here trying to motivate myself to get up and get dressed (it's 2 in the afternoon) because my son will be home from school soon and he doesn't even have a costume for trick or treating and I have to paste a smile on my face and hand out candy when all I want to do is shut the light off and pretend I'm not home.

It's not easy and sometimes it almost hurts to push yourself forward but the rewards are great. I always feel better when I do get up and function rather than giving in to staying in bed and watching TV or getting lost in my laptop. I'm glad you came here for support, you will not only find it here, but eventually you will give it to. I hope you'll hang around!

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I know exactly what you mean. I think I have one or two friends who really get me, but I don't talk to them regularly. We're all off struggling with out own problems. We forget to reach out to each other. I had some OCD symptoms when I was in college...counting stairs as I ascended or descended, which turned into an obsessive thought of throwing myself down the staircase. I no longer have that issue, or stairs in my house, thank goodness! I have schizoaffective disorder bipolar type, meaning I am schizophrenic and bipolar. I understand what its like to struggle with more than one mental illness. Interestingly, most of my anxiety disorders when away after my psychotic break. Like my mind needed a break to heal itself. The psychotic symptoms aren't so much a problem anymore, as are the mood disorders. I'm on a depressive cycle. It takes me 30 minutes or more to get out of bed in the morning. I have to set my alarm earlier because of this. My personal hygiene has gone down the loo. I use to shower every other day, now its every two days or three. Gross. I just can't get myself motivated. I have a hard time getting myself to brush my teeth too. I use to be so good about these things. I'm really struggling to care.

Depression is a struggle. But you aren't alone. You can come join me in the "Trying To Care" Club. :) Maybe we can motivate each other.

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Thank you for the kind replies.

It's been a bit of a roller coaster lately.

My trigger point seems to be around 6-7 at night. This is when my OCD analytics start kicking in, I feel anxious and have trouble sleeping. I've started keeping a journal, which in a sense, is a healthy compulsion.

I hope everyone is doing well.

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Wow, I can so relate...I suffer PTSD and insomnia from a near fatal case of Legionnaire's 6 years ago and sleeping is the pits for me. And I was doing well for a while but lately my anxiety has been kicking into overdrive and I'm not sure why. Could be the weather getting cold and snowy alll of a sudden and not so muchc outdoor time.

Do you find when you do sleep, you wake up with your heart racing in a panic? This is something else I've had to deal with. I just have to take a few deep breaths, collect my thoughts and tell myself this is only temporary and I will feel better in a little while.

It's really hard to shut your mind off at night. That's why I miss walking, I used to exhaust myself physically which helped. I guess I'm just going to have to bundle up and tough it out. I did treat myself to a new down coat I'm picking up this weekend along with some new warm boots, maybe that will hel. If nothing else, at least shopping is therapeutic for me!

I wish I had some words of wisdom to help. I try relaxing my arms, then my legs, then my whole body, little by little, concentrating on each part as I go and my breathing. If I still haven't relaxed, I count to 100 and then backwards down to 1. Just a few of my little tricks that might help. Good luck!

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