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Hello,

I don't know if this forum is right for me, but I need help. So I will share some of my story and maybe someone can advise if this is the right place for me.

I am 58 years old and from Yorkshire, England. I lost my wife to cancer in 2009, quite suddenly, even though it was her second battle with the disease. I fell into a deep depression until in November 2012 I decided I needed to try and change my life, so set off to cycle around the world after being given the news I had terminal cancer. Here I am, now in Toronto, Canada. Along the way, I've met many other sufferers and people who have considered suicide. I've even been able to save a few. But I'm struggling, really struggling.

There is not a day goes by when I don't consider ******* myself. Not a single day. I now have the means, so it would be very easy. So I weigh up what I have to live for. The things I have to live for outweigh the feeling that I need to go at this moment, but it's a knife edge. So I go to the next day, then the next. That is my world, my depression.

Last week a close friend who was also suffering from cancer killed herself. We had both made each other a promise, that we would not take the easy way out. She broke her promise, but I forgive her, because I know the pain she was suffering (not physical pain). Now I'm feeling like I want to join her.

I have other friends who are suicidal too. We talk, try to persuade each other life is worth living, but it's just a front. I've lost too many loved ones...

I'm an open person. I've always tried to be there for others. But now I need help...
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You are not alone. So many people are suffering and it's perfectly legit if the ONLY way you can survive is to every day tell yourself "Wait; not today. You can do it tomorrow." Sometimes that's all you can do. But I guarantee you that there are people who are so grateful that you stuck around for another day; your other suicidal friends, for example. They don't want to be alone either. And probably other strangers that you have no idea you impacted during daily, seemingly insignificant interactions.

I will not tell you that things get better, and I will not tell you that it does not suck every day. But the lives of suffering people matter; you are a warrior with a burden (that you did not choose) and you matter and make a difference to other people. It sucks to feel that burden, but it is what it is.

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