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"you're Just Not Trying Hard Enough."


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I have a very good friend, used to be sort of a boyfriend, who I don't get to see very much because we have conflicting schedules, but who I chat with every day via IM before I go to work. We've known each other for almost 6 years, have been physically intimate; he is the only person I can tell absolutely anything, and I've never loved or trusted anyone like I have him.

Well, since the depression/PTSD has gotten so much worse, we have been arguing more. We've always been very good communicators and that hasn't changed, it's just that he doesn't understand me AT ALL. He has no experience with depression or PTSD or DID or anything remotely different psychologically and, while he's always been a very kind and gentle person, he's begun over the last couple of months, to act kind of like one of those people who is just mean when it comes to the mentally ill.

I've tried so many things to help him understand, but nothing sticks. He actually told me that he thought I wasn't trying hard enough to get better - this, while I was going to therapy weekly, attending a mindfulness group once a week, my insiders were bearing their souls in therapy about things they'd never told anybody before. But I wasn't trying hard enough.

Why do people treat us like that? Why can't they see? Why don't they listen when we tell them what it's like? After that conversation, I sent him a video I found online of a guy talking about how depression made him feel. So we talk the next day and NOW he gets it (he says). That guy didn't say anything different, but my guy says, "I just really didn't think you were trying."

How can we get better, how can we have hope, how can we get by in this world if no one understands and no one cares to understand? I finally had to stop talking to him, because every time we talked, I ended up in tears and he would accuse *me* of not listening, but refused to do anything to try to understand.

I'm just left feeling so alone and hopeless and like now I have nothing again. Back to square one.

I hate people.

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Rhyl,

I feel a lot the same way, though different circumstances.

As far as the mental issues I face, the only people who understand are those who suffer the same issues. Everyone else is mostly clueless. Very disappointing, and just makes matters worse.

I wish things were better for you, and all of us here.

Sending warm thoughts, jmg :flowers:

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  • 3 weeks later...

rhyl, i care. If you ever need to talk, just pm me. I do not have insiders. But believe me, I have known, loved and respected a lot of people who do. People who live with DID. Some of them are brilliant and amazing. But DID is real. And it is horriffic because of the PTSD and history. None of this is your fault. And you are working as hard to heal. its a long road. I am sorry that your friend didnt understand. But there are some people who will. Too many do not. And are SO hurtful. PM me any time you want.

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Why don't people see? They have no frame of reference. The same reason that people harass seemingly normal-looking people that use handicap parking spaces, it never occurring to them that a person's disability might be invisible - heart condition or asthma.

It's difficult for some people who've never experienced a mental health issue to wrap their heads around the fact that there might just be a "wiring" issue that can't be "cheered" away or whatever.

Take care - best of luck.

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I can not even talk to anyone in my family. My sons hate me and my grandchildren treat me like crap. I am never in control of anything. I have lost my home crashed and burned, went to hospital been in therapy, go to a really nice Dr. I have no friends. I hate that I will be this forever.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Rhyl, I just want to yell sometimes because of this; I absolutely hear you. My spouse is slowly coming around from this point of view, and I can't tell you how painful it's been.

I've learned that for those people who say 'I'm just not trying,' my depression is a threat to their own stability and belief system. Because if I really am trying my d*mnd*st, and still struggling, that really makes them question what they think they know. And one thing I've learned is that so very many people don't want to question what they think they know. So very many people want to think they have an accurate bead on the world and have all the answers and have control over their lives.

So when they meet someone who doesn't fit that mold, they deny that person's pain, anguish, and suffering. I've seen it happen more often with depression or mental illness, but also with a physical illness or a physical disability they haven't experienced personally. That's another thing I've learned: very many people have absolutely zero capacity to imagine themselves in someone else's shoes.

And most of the ones that can are here, thank God.

I'm very sorry you've had to run into this, rhyl, because it is very soul-bruising. We know you are doing your absolute best, and we are proud of you. You should be, too.

((hugs)) to anyone out there who has run into this soul-******* nonsense.

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I can not even talk to anyone in my family. My sons hate me and my grandchildren treat me like crap. I am never in control of anything. I have lost my home crashed and burned, went to hospital been in therapy, go to a really nice Dr. I have no friends. I hate that I will be this forever.

Jan2, you have friends here, real people behind all these avatars and usernames who care about your struggle. I know you can't believe it now, but you won't be this way forever. ((hugs))

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Thank you to jmg and lillyp and 20yearsandCounting and RatBoy,

It's been hard to be here. For other reasons. But thank you for your reminders and your strength and your encouragement. And thank you for staying strong. 'Cause really, what else can we do?

Jan2,

I can not even talk to anyone in my family. My sons hate me and my grandchildren treat me like crap. I am never in control of anything. I have lost my home crashed and burned, went to hospital been in therapy, go to a really nice Dr. I have no friends. I hate that I will be this forever.

Sounds like things are really tough right now, and have been for awhile. You *are* in control of at least 2 things - what you talk about in therapy and that you've found a new place (here!) to come and meet others who might share some of your feelings. And I bet, if you continue to read and talk with others here, you will find out a lot more positive stuff about yourself. It's funny how things work out that way.

I'm really glad you're here! This place has really helped me, because I can talk here all I want when I can't talk anywhere else.

Welcome!

rhyl

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I can not even talk to anyone in my family. My sons hate me and my grandchildren treat me like crap. I am never in control of anything. I have lost my home crashed and burned, went to hospital been in therapy, go to a really nice Dr. I have no friends. I hate that I will be this forever.

Things will turn around for you for sure it wont be like that forever my friend

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I can not even talk to anyone in my family. My sons hate me and my grandchildren treat me like crap. I am never in control of anything. I have lost my home crashed and burned, went to hospital been in therapy, go to a really nice Dr. I have no friends. I hate that I will be this forever.

Jan, I hope things will start to turn around for you. I am SO sorry to hear all the pain and adversity you are dealing with.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Unfortuantely, some pepole not only dont understand, they dont want to understand.

Our worlds are made up of our internal impressions- that is, our frames of references create our experiences and opinions. To some who dont have mental health problems it can be frightening to even contemplate them.

However, it does sound like your friend/partner is trying.....

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  • 2 months later...

Sometimes people who do not understand can benefit from watching education videos on it. My dad used to think my depression would simply immediately go away if I met a girl and kept pressuring me into finding someone which in turn caused me to back down from it more..however he watched this documentary on TV and got a deeper insight into depression and why it happens and the pain that we experience and he obtained a total new understanding of it and has been strongly supporting me with the illness instead of trying to force what he thought was the cure. My brother on the other hand...Whom I love very much needs to understand it now as he does not realize how complicated and hard it actually is..I forget the name of the documentary my dad watched but I would like to try and find it so perhaps we can maybe educate other people on it :)

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  • 3 years later...

Most people are dogmatic parrots who will repeat and regurgitate everything they were told by the corrupt education system, mainstream (i.e. LAMEstream) media with no thoughts of their own. We heard all of that before and will keep hearing it because, ironically, THEY aren't trying hard enough to REALLY understand that there are people who are hurting.

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  • 1 month later...

I don't get how people are so dismissive either. Try harder - I can't believe I've never thought of that! End of all my problems, thanks. I'm kinda envious of the kinda people who'll tell passing stranger to cheer up, smile, and how worse things happen at sea etc. I mean, I'm not envious of them being... a swear word.. but I'm kinda envious that my world isn't as simple as theirs. Wouldn't it be great? All you have to do is pull yourself together and you can get on with your life. I wish it were that simple.

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