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Wasted My Life On.. . .nothing!


confusedsoul

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Ok guys this is my first post here. . . I have only just discovered the forum.I'd be 30 by July next year, don't have a job, libe with my parents, didn't go to college and worst, I am still a virgin. I finished high school age 16 with good grades (A's and C's), parents didn't have money to send me to college so at 18 i got a menial job to cater for self and family, at 23 I got admission into a uni for a diploma but had to drop out due to finances once again. . . .I was paying the rent, feeding my family and paying for dads surgery. . I love my family wouldn't change them for anything in the world and I don't blame them for my present situation. My dad worked real hard prior to having problem with his sight, my mom did petit trading to make ends meet, just never paid off. I had to take charge of the situation. All this while my youth and life were fading away, NEVER partied, never had a real relationship, I am tall, trim and very good looking (my close friends used to say they wish they had my face). . . I actually have had pretty girls chase me all my life! Was so consumed by work, that I never had time for sex or a relationship with them. Lost my first love, to a wealthy man, my fault again. So to get over it i turned to self development at night when I get home fro. Work, I spent years writing poetic rhymes, teaching myself HTML and HTML5, learning music production using daws and basically developing my intellect. . . Months back I met a pretty, easy going pleasant girl who is or was really into me, She approached me during her internship in the company were I work(menial job). Problem is she is from a wealthy family and out of my league class - wise, plus she is just 18 and about to graduate college which makes me feel awkward and weird. She is still young and naive, I don't want her regretting later, and it hunts me, so I told her she was too young for me and that at 18 she's probably too emotionally fragile, and i'm certain she'd get bored of me soon but she insisted and kept calling me, I was scared at how shed react to rejection and I guess my emotional void proved vulnerable, because I started to really like her over time. . . . Well she is back in school now, so we got talking last night as always and she said she's been talking to friends and don't know if we would work but she wants us to see where it leads, saying she would like to "explore" the wild side of life a little more before committing to what we have. . . I can tell she is no longer the innocent girl I met, she swears too much now and says she want to experiment with drugs and random sex. It just felt like the end for me. Now because prior to her saying this I'd wake up by 3 a.m everyday and cry for no reason whatsoever. Just hating my life. I feel like such a looser now no degree, no love life, no youth, no friends and whats worse, an 18yrs old is toying with my heart. Not one to show emotions easily maybe that's why people never know I am hurting inside, LiterI'd be 30 by July next year, don't have a job, libe with my parents, didn't go to college and worst, I am still a virgin. I finished high school age 16 with good grades (A's and C's), parents didn't have money to send me to college so at 18 i got a menial job to cater for self and family, at 23 I got admission into a uni for a diploma but had to drop out due to finances once again. . . .I was paying the rent, feeding my family and paying for dads surgery. . I love my family wouldn't change them for anything in the world and I don't blame them for my present situation. My dad worked real hard prior to having problem with his sight, my mom did petit trading to make ends meet, just never paid off. I had to take charge of the situation. All this while my youth and life were fading away, NEVER partied, never had a real relationship, I am tall, trim and very good looking (my close friends used to say they wish they had my face). . . I actually have had pretty girls chase me all my life! Was so consumed by work, that I never had time for sex or a relationship with them. Lost my first love, to a wealthy man, my fault again. So to get over it i turned to self development at night when I get home fro. Work, I spent years writing poetic rhymes, teaching myself HTML and HTML5, learning music production using daws and basically developing my intellect. . . Months back I met a pretty, easy going pleasant girl who is or was really into me, She approached me during her internship in the company were I work(menial job). Problem is she is from a wealthy family and out of my league class - wise, plus she is just 18 and about to graduate college which makes me feel awkward and weird. She is still young and naive, I don't want her regretting later, and it hunts me, so I told her she was too young for me and that at 18 she's probably too emotionally fragile, and i'm certain she'd get bored of me soon but she insisted and kept calling me, I was scared at how shed text to rejection and i guess my emotional void proved vulnerable, because started to really like her over time. . . . Well she is back in school now, so we got talking and she said she's been talking to friends and don't know if we would work but she wants us to see where it leads, saying she would like to "explore" the wild side of life a little more before committing to what we have. . . I can tell she is no longer the innocent girl I met, she swears too much now and says she want to experiment with drugs and random sex. It just felt like the end for me. Now because prior to her saying this I'd wake up by 3 a.m everyday and cry for no reason whatsoever. Just hating my life. I feel like such a looser now no degree, no love life, no youth, no friends, no career and worse an 18yrs old is toying with my heart. Not one to show emotions easily maybe that's why people never know I am hurting inside, but I am actually crying typing this. Has life been worth it?. . . Definitely not!

Edited by confusedsoul
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Welcome!

Umm... step away from the eighteen-year old girl, please. I can virtually guarantee you you're too different and she's not mature enough for you.

OK. You're a seemingly intelligent, sensitive, attractive thirty-year old man.

What's the problem?

Jobless? Not necessarily a chronic condition. Besides, lots of folks are jobless.

Live with your folks? Ditto.

No degree? Ditto.

A virgin? Ditto. Besides, you said you've had women chase you before, so it's not like you didn't have opportunities, right?

You've listed nothing here that five years (or less) of dedication and effort won't cure.

So get started! You can do this. What's your plan? What's your priority?

Best of luck!

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@Rat boy

Up real early once again having one of those self hating sessions. I agree with you, I should tell her its over but as you can tell by now. . . I put everyone else around me's interest ahead of mine. Really worried about how she'd take it.BTW, I live in a society where getting married at 35 and having a kid is already too late! The way I see it I am out of time already.

Edited by confusedsoul
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Wow, sounds like you did a lot to me. Maybe not a lot of what you wanted to do out of life, but a lot of stuff none the less. I hope all this random experience leads you to something way better in the near future. Especially spending time with someone else whether it's friendship, general companionship, or an "actual" relationship since that seems to be one of your more important goals at the moment.

I kinda agree with the other guy that if you're almost 30 and she's 18..it's gonna be weird probably because - well, not just the generation gap, but she's going to want to experiment with things in her life. I wouldn't go for someone that young. She'll end up breaking your heart.

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Thanks a lot @phantastic mirage I know you are trying to pick the positives, but i feel your comments stem from sympathy, I really don't see anything achieved so far. You know how you feel when a precious item of yours falls into the ocean? That's how I feel. . . I lost my youth and will never get it back! I keep asking where did all the years go? I was so committed and fixated in keeping my family afloat that I ended up drowning. I feel like a human sacrifice a failed one. About the girl, I already have a message typed since about 2 weeks ago, just too weak to send it to her. Can't face talking to her on the phone.

Edited by confusedsoul
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They do? I didn't notice. It's probably more from empathy than anything else. I spend a huge majority of my younger years taking care of my grandma, and I kinda still do. Also went to work straight out of high school, but then went to a Vocational School later. Mostly cause it was cheap Lol and the education is just as good to be honest.. So, don't feel too bad about not going to school and what not. A lot of it CAN be done later.

I wonder if it would be a good idea to wait until you run into her or something. I'm not sure about sending an email..

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Would take months to see her in the perfect "arrangement". She only comes back from school December for the Christmas holidays. To be honest she says she wants me to come see her at school, but I have been making excuses knowing she wants us to have sex when there. I'd feel completely awkward about it so I have been bringing up stories. Our only means of communication at the moment are mobile phones. . . Sms and phonecalls that is. Nothing much else I can do.

N.B: Sorry if I come off as incoherent a times, I am posting these via my mobile device.

Edited by confusedsoul
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I try to distract myself but I keep coming back to this page waiting to read something new. . . This is my only release from full blown depression right now. People say I am starting to look stressed. . I might just quit my job too. I hate getting out of bed in the morning nowadays.

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I also feel as though I'm not where I should be at this point in my life, and I have spent a lot of time regretting it. The misery of considering all of the years you could have done things differently is really intense. Of course there's nothing to be done about that, but you can do something about the years yet unlived. Though financial pressure can be one more barrier to happiness, it doesn't mean you can't find what works for you in easing your depression. Please don't give up hope and think about the gift you can give yourself by using the pain of your past to motivate yourself for the future.

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Hello Confusedsoul,

I am sorry to hear about your problems. I am around your age, and I can relate to how you feel like your youth has slipped away. Without realizing it, time just caught up with you. But the time that is gone is gone, as much as we wish we could reclaim it, it cannot be done. So, we need to plan and make the best of the time we do have. With that being said, it's easier said than done. Even if you have a stable job, there's no guarantee to happiness, because I pretty much hate my field. And I wish I had chosen differently myself years ago.

My last real relationship was two years ago, and that girl turned to be a gold digger. That was a slap in my face too.

I think the 18-year old young lady might be problematic. She could end up hurting you and making you more fragile than now, it's difficult to counsel other people on the affairs of the heart. To quote from one of my favourite TV series 30 Rock:" The human heart is properly connected to the human brain."

I wish you good luck and all the best, and I hope you will know what to do.

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I feel the same way confusedsoul. I am 29, a virgin, live with my parents, no job (sorta..I am currently a TA at a university but the pay and hours are very low), etc. I do have a bachelors degree but that hasn't done much for me. I have tried grad school many times, dropping out each time. I am currently in a grad school but I stopped going to classes and will drop out again at the end of the semester. I will also lose my TAship after quitting school. I don't know what I will do after that. It will be hard to find a job.

I also have about 50K in student loan debt that has been in deferrment almost the entire time I have been out of undergrad. I have also racked up quite a bit of credit card debt (about 3K).

I also tried many different jobs but I ended up quitting or gretting fired from all of them within 6 months time. :(

Edited by physicist1985
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I'm going to be 29 in a few weeks & I live with my parents with no job. I did have a job, but quit a few months ago due to not being able to handle it anymore. Was tired of being treated like crap by my manager & health issues taking a toll on me as well. Also, I'm a virgin but had the opportunity a few times to have sex but decided not to. Each situation just didn't feel right so I didn't bother. I feel the same in terms of letting my youth slip away. All my teenage years & 20s I've been depressed pretty much, and not sure if I'll ever be completely happy again.

Edited by GAJ123
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Knowing I am not alone is comforting yet further depressing to know that we are the few who have been "short changed" in life. Can't and will never get those years back. I have decided to make a short list of things to achieve by 35, whilst working out like hell when I get home from work. . .Just to stay distracted from my present predicaments, but its just so hard not being depressed even when exercising and I am starting to fear I might never come out of it.

Edited by confusedsoul
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Life is not linear. It is not like school where you go to each grade, pass and move onto the next grade.

As long as you are alive, you still have time to go do all those things - get a career, get married, have a family.

At least that is what I hope. I am in my 30s now and recently started feeling very depressed about my lack of achievements. I compare myself to people around me and they all seem to be doing so much better. But then, sometimes I force myself to stop and think about all the things that I do have and that I have accomplished. Think about all the things you have accomplished too.

<hugs>

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Life is not linear. It is not like school where you go to each grade, pass and move onto the next grade.

As long as you are alive, you still have time to go do all those things - get a career, get married, have a family.

At least that is what I hope. I am in my 30s now and recently started feeling very depressed about my lack of achievements. I compare myself to people around me and they all seem to be doing so much better. But then, sometimes I force myself to stop and think about all the things that I do have and that I have accomplished. Think about all the things you have accomplished too.

<hugs>

Your first paragraph is spot on!

Your second paragraph... not so much.

If I could only give one piece of advice to my depressed brethren (sistren?), it'd be to NEVERNEVERNEVER compare yourself to someone else.

First, you are on different paths. Different parents, different times, different influences, different friends, teachers, totally different circumstances. If they'd been in your shoes, they may have turned out much as you. Similarly, given their circumstances, you might be in their place. You don't know, but if you really think about it, we're all more or less the same - we've just been dealt a different set of cards.

Second, you have NO idea the burdens THEY might be carrying! That successful person may be carrying a load of debt in order to APPEAR successful, or be carrying gads of student loan debt, or have a spouse that's cheating, or may be having their insides eaten out by the worry of STAYING successful, or may have kids with drug problems, be carrying grief from losses, be in turn envying SOMEONE ELSE... you simply have no idea.

Just be the best "you" you can be. If currently that "you" is depressed, then strive to get UN-depressed so that you can flourish and, in turn, help others to flourish.

Best regards!

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