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Doubting Myself


callierose303

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Hi

I have been dealing with severe depression and anxiety and PTSD for 4 years now. I used to be a "go-getter", always busy. At home I would putter with home projects and running errands, time with friends. At work I held my regular position as a cancer treatment specialist as well as the Clinical co-ordinator for our students and President of our union.

Now I sleep 10 hours a day and wake up exhausted. I have to fight to not go back to bed after being up for an hour. I struggle to accomplish the most basic of things, put the vacuum away (I've been looking at it for 2 weeks now and it's still not put away), getting groceries (I often go long periods with little food in the fridge), even making phone calls seems to big.

Does anyone else deal with this or am I just lazy? I feel like somehow I've lost the person I used to be. Driven, motivated, eager.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

Sincerely

Callie

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I don't think you're lazy. I commend you for working in the Cancer field, this is very hard on the spirit to see so many others suffering. You sound like you need some rest, don't feel guilty, recharging is necessary for us all. Visualize being motivated, it will come back to you when you're ready.

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You're not lazy, just ill, I know how hard it is do things, when you just feel exhausted and fed up all the time. Yeah try not to feel bad/beat yourself up about about it, because I know all too well that doesn't help anything. Try to relax as much as you can, and do as much as you feel capable of doing.

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Caliie,

If you had been in a car accident with multiple fractures and a head injury and were house bound then you wouldn't be being lazy. This is no different at all. PTSD is an injury. It's as simple as that. It is an absolutely normal response to abnormal experiences.

It sounds like your depression symptoms are way up. I hate that feeling. The depression stuff absolutely can improve and I hope it does so soon for you.

I relate a lot to aspects of what you describe. I used to be super productive and my life was filled to the brim. I always had multiple things going on and seemed to seek out responsibility. Then I cracked totally and that seems to be it for me. I can't do it anymore. I am accepting of it most of the time now, If I am honest there was always a hidden cost and various forms of unhealthy coping going on to facilitate me being able to do what I did. And there was a lot of running away from the past and denial. There was little to no self compassion there or acknowledgement of my needs. There was a lot of self unkindness and lack of care there. In a weird way I know I am actually healthier now which is ironic as others wouldnt see it that way. My depression symptoms are much improved thank goodness and I think a significant part of that has to do with self care. Or should I rather say, a lessoning of intense self hatred.

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I've done the vacuum thing. I think past a point it can become a matter of habit. You always see it there and mentally write it off until it becomes automatic, even in a mood where you might otherwise move it. I know I'll neglect to clean out the fridge once in awhile just because I'm tired and crabby, and eventually I stop thinking "wow, I should clean this" when I look in.

Except when I'm on my way out, of course.

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