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I Live On Out Of Habit


muffinman123

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I'm 24 going on 25 in a few weeks and feel as bad if not worse than I did in my late teens. Let me give you a quick summary of my life.

I was raised in a lower middle-class family

I'm average looking and of average weight

I've never had a girlfriend but have had sex once

I was kicked out of High School due to drug-related problems but got my GED soon after

I've never had a job that paid over minimum wage

I've held 6 jobs total with none lasting over a year

I was diagnosed with Asperger's 3 years ago (unsure of whether or not that's true though)

I have a moderate IQ

I am a fairly good talker but deep down hate every human including myself

I have no interests or passions

Now that I have that out of the way let's move on shall we?

I am old enough to have "grown out" of depression according to my parents but I've been in a rut for as long as I can remember, at least since my early teens which is excessively long so I am beginning to question if it's just the way I am.

I have attempted suicide a few times due to OTC medications in the past but nothing worked and I just ended up feeling like crap when I woke up the next day or two after.

As for my life it's your average lowlife scenario as I'm 24 and work at a small department store 30 hours a week for minimum wage and no benefits but the only way I've been able to cope with it is with large quantities of alcohol on a near daily basis as I know my future is going to be bleak as I lack any form of passion whatsoever, I am literally a shell of a human and have no interests at all. I work, go home and drink, then sleep. That is literally it.

I've tried exercising as well as sports but found them stupid and pointless on the dozen or so attempts that I've tried them and even reading a good book doesn't hold my interest for long nor does a movie. Even philosophy is moot point as I just end up coming to the common (for me) realization that everything is pointless anyways so I rarely bother with it.

I literally am living out of habit or whatever else you could call it. I just don't give a single crap about life at all and that realization troubles me as I know I'm being truthful about it and human nature deems that as odd. Then again I don't care what society thinks or I wouldn't be a hardcore alcoholic.

I honestly hope that my liver fails in the near future as then I won't have to worry about saving for a nonexistent retirement, finding a mate, and worrying about fostering yet another worthless friendship as I will be free at that point.

Maybe then I could take a one-way trip to Thailand or something with the small amount of cash I have in my bank account and from selling my possessions and finally attempt to enjoy my life for a month or two before passing away in a foreign country with no form of identification so my family wouldn't freak out over it and eventually forget or grow content with my absence. Then again I wouldn't really care anyways as I'd be dead by that point after finally being free for the only time in my life without the shackles of society forcing me into paid slavery for 40+ years.

I get it, I screwed up by not learning a trade nor attending college but that's fine as I have no desire other than to experience true freedom that only either vagrancy or death can provide and I'm too weak to deal with either on a direct route so I spend my life taking the easy path by drinking until my own body chooses death for me in which I will finally be able to live if only for a short while.

I know that I must sound crazy but I've dwelt on this for years and that's as much as I could come up with, is there anything I am missing?

I guess that's the reason I asked this question in the first place. I've basically grown accustomed to my fate but am asking this out of sheer curiosity as I know there isn't much that can be done at this point as I have no particular talents to speak of which places my fate in with the lower rung of society of which I am not content with being a part of which is what led me to my alcoholism which will then lead to my inevitable early demise, that is right correct?

Edited by muffinman123
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I just find it so hard to care at this point, my life is in a form of limbo and I have no willpower to do anything about it nor the funds to solve the "problems" I have. I am more than aware that I could get a loan for college but I have no interests so that would be moot point.

I'm basically living for the sake of living and I'm a total facade of a human at best. I act so convincing at my job and everyone finds me to be a nice person but inside I'm no different than an ice block. I've vented myself to others, including counselors but to no avail as reassuring words are nothing more than decent icing on a bland, tasteless cake that is my life.

It never get's better, I've been told that life improves over time and that I would grow out of my hopelessness but seeing as I'm nearing 30 I doubt that's the case. They just said that to give me a false hope that would egg me on for a few years and make me even more dead inside once such a realization came to pass eventually once I had found such "friendly advice" to be a lie.

None of the people in my past even contact me anymore unless I egg them on and even then it's nothing substantial.

I am the worst case of hopelessness I have ever met in my life. I've been reading through other posts and I can't help but feel a bit alienated from most on here. I am such an empty human from an emotional standpoint that it actually scares me.

Wait, scratch that I am not quite empty as I do feel emptiness itself which is an emotion of it's own by definition so there is something.

Looking back at the last 7+ years if not longer there isn't a single standout experience I've had that has emotionally moved me, I am being completely honest. Everything has literally been monotone unless my memory escapes me. I remember enjoying Christmas as a child as well as my birthdays but what child didn't? I never had any form of trauma to speak of, I guess one day I just stopped caring?

This post has helped me with self-realization I guess which is something but it's honestly baffling that I can't find a single positive or negative thing to speak of.

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Feel free to delete my profile as I don't really see a reason to even bother with this anymore and already changed my linked emails security questions and passwords to random numbers/letters.

...Done with society as a whole but will continue to live on as an empty shell until I die...

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I understand where you are coming from muffinman, I feel alienated sometimes from a lot of people of this site because of my lack of emotional connection, and in real life I have felt empty for a lot of it. I am 23 and have always had trouble understanding other people, and feeling like I didn't want to do anything. No passion, nothing. At the moment I feel very empty, but I have felt good in the past, so I think there is still hope for you. Even if it feels like you will never be any different, I've been there, there is still hope for you to get out of this mindset you're in. Stick around.

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That's not really for us to say. The reality of your life may or may not be different in five years, as every year brings a few changes that can open up new doors. The unpredictability of it isn't a lot of comfort, but it's there.

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