Jump to content

You're Either In, Or You're Out.....


Wrenn84

Recommended Posts

Today I kind of flipped at one of my close friends.....she bailed on some plans we had together which of course wasn't really the reason why I'm upset. She's one of the few people that really know what is going on with me mental health wise and I just feel like I am always the one initiating contact and plans together....it definitely hurts me that even after I have shared my struggles with her she doesn't seem to care enough to spend time with me or check up on me. I'm always the one taking care of other people and their problems but this past year has been really tough for me...for the first time in my life I actually asked some people for their support and have been really disappointed by the response.

Is this just the mental health stigma, that people are so horrifically awkward when their friend says I'm struggling with PTSD, depression, anxiety? That they don't know what to do or say?

Or is everyone just so self centred they cannot act unless it's about themselves.

I feel like I don't ask for a lot, but still get disappointed. Just wanna tell people if you're in, you're in and if not, then you're out, cos I just don't have the time and energy anymore to spend on anyone that doesn't reciprocate.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sorry that your friend isn't being supportive.

I think it's usually the case that people don't know what to do or say, yes. I work in a field where I meet people who are struggling on a daily basis. Often, I don't know what to do or say. Sometimes just listening and validating their concerns seems to help them. Others require more help than I can possibly provide alone.

If you can communicate to your friend what you would like her to do, in a calm but sincere way, maybe things will change?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't have any friends. Never really have. So I always feel like I'm "out". I learned the hard way that if you are looking to other people or things for validation you set yourself up for disappointment. I obviously can't advocate being friendless wilfully because that would just crush some people but I feel better being alone than trying to fit in with "normal" people. I do find I can associate with others in specialized situations but being able to disconnect is the only thing that works for me.

I'm not a fun person to be around so I'd probably have a similar problem. Having to deal with another person who has problems like I do is hard, especially if you don't know how to deal with it. After a while you run out of ideas and it gets tiring. I'd say just give the relationship a break for a while but make sure you tell that person what's going on before you do.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

wrenn, I'm assuming this isn't the one that told you to just get over it?

Is she capable of being tuned into another persons needs? Have you seen her support someone when the need arises? Not everyone has it in them.

Edited by Fizzle
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Fizzle,

No but that friend also on my radar for the same problem. I told one friend today, just straight up, you disappointed me, I need your support right now or you're not my friend.... The other friend (one that told me to get over it) is gonna get the same speech on Friday when I see her,

Do I just need new friends??

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do I just need new friends??

The person that told you to "get over it" is certainly entitled to his/her opinion but I would hardly call that friendship.

I would be careful, though, when you communicate your disappointment to them. Delivering an ultimatum would probably not work to your advantage. You might tell them how you feel and what you would like out of the friendship in a way that isn't hostile.

Edited by afflicted
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your situation is a tough one. I am struggling with this as well to be honest. It is hard to know when to be understanding and patient with others and when to let people go. So much of one sided relationships and communication has made me feel detached from everything and it has caused me to lose trust and emotions for others. I don't want you to go through that. I can empathize with you. I just wish I had the ability to help you. I hope you are able to get through to some of your friends. Good luck Wrenn. :console:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do I just need new friends??

The person that told you to "get over it" is certainly entitled to his/her opinion but I would hardly call that friendship.

I would be careful, though, when you communicate your disappointment to them. Delivering an ultimatum would probably not work to your advantage. You might tell them how you feel and what you would like out of the friendship in a way that isn't hostile.

Ya I have no intention of causing some huffy drama fest. I'm just done with being disappointed if I can't rely on them then I'm not gonna keep pouring myself into these friendships. Both these friends had destination weddings this year which I had to go to, plus a lot of other expenses and time commitment for helping plan their weddings. This year has been really hard for me, witnessing crazy things at work, changing careers, taking medical leave, dealing withserious physical health problems,.....I've expressed that to them, and still apparently a low priority to them, it's very hurtful because these are friends I've had since childhood, one is basically a sibling. But it's only fair for me to tell them I'm mad and upset with them give them the opportunity to make it right, I know they haven't been doing it on purpose. Life gets busy, I get it. Not asking for 24/7 support here but would it **** them to make a point of seeing me a couple times a month an hour. ...But geez I never ask for help from anyone , I did this time tho and both failed to deliver. Brutal!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Fizzle,

No but that friend also on my radar for the same problem. I told one friend today, just straight up, you disappointed me, I need your support right now or you're not my friend.... The other friend (one that told me to get over it) is gonna get the same speech on Friday when I see her,

Do I just need new friends??

Let your history with them decide rather you stay friends with them or not. Not based on one instance of disappointment. If they are generally just not there for you(all of them) from what you said in your post, yes it is time to get rid of them. Those that you NEVER hear from, unless you contact them, are not your friends. They are "safe" to LEAVE in the past. Otherwise,be careful with persistent ejection of friends. It will surely backfire. Everyone cannot be there for you all time, and wont always have something to say. For people like that, they feel the best they can do is listen.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can relate to your situation because im also the one who always has to innate everything,with my friends or they just don't keep in touch,my best friend from childhood only texts me once every couple of month and invites me to his birthday party every year,other then that all the times we hung out I iniated and my other good friends are all the same,some of them are just very introverted people though and are bigger hermits then me.it sucks because i pretty much have been friendless for so long I have gotten used to it and don't have the time at this point in my life to try to make friends with people when im so self suffient already.I wouldn't worry about them to much if they don't want to make plans with you its there loss,a therapist is better for support then a friend anyway.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Today I kind of flipped at one of my close friends.....she bailed on some plans we had together which of course wasn't really the reason why I'm upset. She's one of the few people that really know what is going on with me mental health wise and I just feel like I am always the one initiating contact and plans together....it definitely hurts me that even after I have shared my struggles with her she doesn't seem to care enough to spend time with me or check up on me. I'm always the one taking care of other people and their problems but this past year has been really tough for me...for the first time in my life I actually asked some people for their support and have been really disappointed by the response.

Is this just the mental health stigma, that people are so horrifically awkward when their friend says I'm struggling with PTSD, depression, anxiety? That they don't know what to do or say?

Or is everyone just so self centred they cannot act unless it's about themselves.

I feel like I don't ask for a lot, but still get disappointed. Just wanna tell people if you're in, you're in and if not, then you're out, cos I just don't have the time and energy anymore to spend on anyone that doesn't reciprocate.

I totally understand and have been through this… I don't have any friends I can count on either. One person I have known for over 40 years (we met in grade school) and she knows all about my mental health issues and other trauma from child hood- however, she will never make the effort to do ANYTHING when I am really completely down and out- but I have in the past dropped everything because she "needed: me for something.. and I don't even tell her any of my issues- I may explain to her in a simplistic way I am "feeling more depressed than usual" but I never go further than that because she doesn't carry the empathy / compassion gene- any conversation I have with her is ALL about HER- from her high blood pressure condition and medications to her family and their issues… more than once I have answered a phone call from her and I haven't said ONE SINGLE WORD for 45 minutes!! during which I think to myself 'Wow, this is what happens when I don't have any friends" she is like a broken chatty cathy doll… constantly constantly talking about her self and she can't handle it when someone other than she or her family need some kindness and consideration.. and she is completely condescending to me.. oh sorry, ranting a bit here… but I know.. I believe there are many people that are just so self centered and unfortunately we, who have mental health issues, somehow have "friends" like these.. or really, acquaintances, because friends are suppose to help one another, emotionally in some way. And you are absolutely right! we don't have the time or energy to spend on these people when they can't reciprocate!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have found it interesting when dealing with my depression. Everyone always knows me as easy going and happy etc. I really did not think i was that good of an actor to hide it. When i sought help with the Dr i decided I would also with certain people in my life. My mother has been beyond wonderful, some friends have just stepped back a bit, and i have never brought it up to them again. Some have given me the old "You will be fine"...........I will? Let's see. I barely left the house, barely ate, functioned at work at the minimum i could to get by, drank for months straight, and then at one point decided i did not want to live anymore.......................Oh SURE, i will be fine. I just bit my tongue.

There are a close FEW that care. That call. That stop by. A FEW that take interest in the fact that i am still breathing. When i say FEW i mean that.

It is not that i am scared to say anything anymore it is that i just do not want to punch someone in the mouth who tells me to toughen up and you will be fine (A little humor there).

I just think people that have never experienced it cannot really relate to what it does to a person. I never could until it happened to me and then it opened my eyes to it all.

I cannot explain to someone why i know i have things to do that must get done, even as basic as taking care of myself, but I cannot get myself to get out of bed.

Thankfully the worst is behind me and i do have good support around me

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The one that is in mental health has no excuse.

I have a few ways I approach this.

1. Evaluate what I think the person is capable of and what is beyond them.

2. Evaluate if they are a safe person to be entrusted with my personal information. (unfortunately default is that no one is but am working on that one!).

3. If the relationship is important then give it a go and see how they respond.

4. If they do not respond with sufficient humanity then go to one of two things: cut them out or adjust my expectations and keep a more superficial relationship with them. Like the ol' family.

Some people are good to have coffee with once every so often and nothing else. If I am OK with that then it works. Not that I drink coffee. I find the problem is expecting what isn't going to come. I think it is wise to discuss this with them face to face as you plan to do and give them a chance to see the light. Then you can take it from there according to the response. It sounds like you have been friends a long time but when your life hit a crisis they have not been there for you. I know you are a very independent person and that anything you are asking from them is likely to be very reasonable. I think you also need to give the get over it friend a refresh of exactly what PTSD is. ;-)

Oh, and yes, you may need to make new suitable friends.

Edited by Fizzle
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks everyone for your responses. Makes me wonder how much better mental health issues could be managed with an affected person having a steady support network. But I suppose the answer is that those without a healthy support network are more susceptible to mental health crisis, which makes sense.

Well today I spoke to my " get over it" friend and withdrew from attending her destination wedding and bridesmaid duties. I apologized for doing so, but went over there and just told her her lack of support has hurt me and that if I'm not a priority of hers she's not one of mine.

So there, it's a done thing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Don't you hate this! I do! When you confide in people and they don't seem to care how you feel. I can totally understand where you are coming from because this year quite a few people that I have been close to have done the same thing to me. I don't think it is as much stigma as it is people being too into themselves and not taking the time to listen to someone else. Even though I would do that for them....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't have any friends. Never really have. So I always feel like I'm "out". I learned the hard way that if you are looking to other people or things for validation you set yourself up for disappointment. I obviously can't advocate being friendless wilfully because that would just crush some people but I feel better being alone than trying to fit in with "normal" people. I do find I can associate with others in specialized situations but being able to disconnect is the only thing that works for me.

I'm not a fun person to be around so I'd probably have a similar problem. Having to deal with another person who has problems like I do is hard, especially if you don't know how to deal with it. After a while you run out of ideas and it gets tiring. I'd say just give the relationship a break for a while but make sure you tell that person what's going on before you do.

Same here but partially out of choice as every friendship I've ever bothered to have never lasts unless I go out of my way in excess to keep it going and by that point it feels forced so I tend to side-step the issue altogether, on an opposite note though I am considered to be a fun person to be around due to being totally uncaring of societal norms due to my severe (undiagnosed) depression.

Edited by muffinman123
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...