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Please Help. I Want To Leave This Planet


Twenty_one

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I am 23 and in grad school. Going to my dream school and getting involved as an RA there was my biggest ever dream. It was a dream I cherished so much that whenever something bad happened, I would tell myself that I would go to my school one day, and I would be happy.



All through life I have largely fallen down, and, despite climbing up again and again, I would never succeed. I never succeeded despite working twice as hard as anybody else in academics, in academic competitions, in extra curricular events; I cannot count the number of times that I failed, failed miserably and sobbed as I sank into a corner, But although I felt bad about all of this, I still told myself I would go to my dream school. Even though I had to initially fight with my parents to let them send me before they got me married. (I'm from India). Even though I had very low academic scores after a major burnout in my fifth semester. I knew I could build my profile, I knew I could do it.


I failed in my final semester. And although I submitted my paper for a recheck, the results never came back and I was forced to study again, which I did. But I learned later that although I had studied very hard and written the exam very well despite a 9-6 job (I had gotten my bachelor's degree by then), my score on the test was not considered and they had just given me a passing grade according to some new rule. I fought with the administration saying that this score would affect my admissions and I had followed their rules, why couldn't they do me justice? No one was fair there, the principal shooed me off despite knowing what they had done was wrong.



I started applying to schools. I had gotten a 1550/1600 in my GRE which was so highly applauded by everyone I was sure something bad was going to happen. Sure enough, for my first application season in Fall, I did not make it to any of my first choice schools, and only got into ASU. I had highly relevant work-experience and a publication but it was not enough.


Knowing how competent top schools are (top 20 and not top 5), I applied again for the next semester. This time, my manager and I had filed two patents, he helped me publish another paper, I increased the number of projects I had worked in and refined my statement of purpose. Result? I got rejected everywhere. I had no choice but to go to ASU, even though I was extremely reluctant.



I eventually did come here, listening to parents and other well-wishers who told me I would have a lot of good going for me here. In the second week of my arrival my problems with my roommates started, For the next two months they escalated to a point where I did not feel like coming home anymore and I would come home after everyone was asleep just to avoid them. Finally, things got to a point where they forced me to move out, and I had no place to stay. For three weeks, I lived in the library and ate off vending machines. It was the middle of the semester and very difficult to find an apartment. After extensive searching I did find a new apartment and I was so excited to begin a new chapter. It was at this point that God decided I still can't afford to be happy.



The manager I spoke about was also my friend. He was a married man, and while we were close I did my best to ensure we maintained boundaries. But he had done some stupid things with me before for which, after I stopped speaking to him and he apologized profusely, I forgave him. After I came to Arizona, he had come to CA on an official trip and wanted to meet. Knowing it wasn't a good idea, I politely refused, but he was so relentless that I eventually went, albeit unwillingly. He took advantage of this, told me there were two beds when there was only one, and what happened next was two days of unacceptable behavior, to put it mildly. You might ask why I didn't leave after the first day. I made it very clear that I was going to. But he cried and apologized and begged me to forgive him. I finally did and stayed, believing he meant no harm.



Days passed, my grades plummeted because I lost all drive and focus, and my GPA was on the rocks. I also got rejected a third time to all the colleges I applied to, in the hopes of transferring. Then I moved to a new apartment which had a severe bedbug problem and for almost 6 weeks after the next semester started I slept at the library, unable to sleep at home since the management wasn't doing anything and my roommates didn't acknowledge the fact that there were bugs. My laptop had broken down too so I spent all my hours in the library since this semester is really crucial for me.... I have to get my GPA up. I continued trying for part-time jobs and RAs but no luck. The last straw came when I found a house to move into, was all packed and suddenly after trying to contact the person living there multiple times, I was told the house was not open for rent. Then I learned the place I was staying in was not open for my staying either, so I am at a point where I might have to move out any minute. On top of all this, serious issues have cropped up at home and I have no idea how I'm talking to my family and helping them through this, on a daily basis. Things got so bad that I messed up a very important interview today despite knowing everything I was asked. I was just incredibly disturbed because of the problems at home that I couldn't answer anything.



Really, all I can say is, I hope no one goes through what I am going through. No one deserves this.


Edited by Twenty_one
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Thanks lauryn.... I was able to take it even until last week but now I've just lost it. I have just blanked out and I have thoughts of quitting my education because I can't go through with this anymore.

I tried the student counselling service before.. it is rather expensive and even if they offer to waive it, they don't waive most of the sessions and I end up having to pay $15 per session. It is a little expensive if you do not have income or if you're not funded.

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I'm sorry to hear about all the stuff you've been going through the past few years. Have you ever thought about speaking with a counselor? Sometimes it can be good to have someone help sort through those hard things in life.

Hi teedaalee, yes I have tried counselling on campus. But besides being expensive, ($15 per session), it was also ineffective and I felt it was not making any difference to how I felt. I have body image issues that I would talk about and her response was "It must be difficult living inside your head". I accept that my sense of low self-esteem tends to go overboard sometimes, but I would expect a negative remark like that from an outsider and not from a counselor. Now my semester is so hectic I do not have the time anymore to dedicate to counseling.

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I am a 23 year old male struggling to graduate my undergrad degree. I commend you for getting this far. I would have gone insane if I were in your shoes.

Even though I had to initially fight with my parents to let them send me before they got me married. (I'm from India).

Forced marriage?

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Sometimes you've just got to let the pieces fall. It sounds like you've stressed and tired yourself out through your heroic efforts to a point that it's hard to think clearly. Perhaps letting go, resting and relaxing your mind will bring you answers you never expected. Sometimes we try so hard to force things to go the way we want that we actually miss opportunities or other possibilities that will make us even happier. Don't fret - all will be well, and all will be well and all manner of things will be well.

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Thanks lauryn.... I was able to take it even until last week but now I've just lost it. I have just blanked out and I have thoughts of quitting my education because I can't go through with this anymore.

I tried the student counselling service before.. it is rather expensive and even if they offer to waive it, they don't waive most of the sessions and I end up having to pay $15 per session. It is a little expensive if you do not have income or if you're not funded.

Life is about money sadly, I hate admitting it but it's true.

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