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Maybe, Just Maybe..


Edric

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INTRODUCTION

"The world is chaotic, unreasonable, and unfair.

It has no meaning at all.

It is the wish of those who realize this, who refuse to accept it.

A wish that the world would be at least a little interesting...

That's what an urban legend is." - No Game No Life

Hello, my name is Edric Ng. I know it's a stupid name, and that barely anyone has ever pronounced it right.

I am bisexual and also a furry due to my adoration and fascination with foxes as well as a dash of curiosity. It may also be a desperate maneuver for companionship after the many times I've been dumped. For those that don't know what a "furry" is, it is a person that likes (using the term very loosely) and often personifies themselves as an anthropomorphic animal, commonly referred to as a "fursona".

Ever since I was young, I've always known that I was different from those around me. Seeing things differently and finding meaning in what many would deem meaningless while rejecting things that many find crucial to societal life.

I was always the one who was despised in school, I saw the brunt of the whole "cooties" ordeal which later evolved into exclusion and being treated as subpar to those around me as well as physical and verbal bullying. What do I mean? My classmates would steal from me and give me undesirable nicknames, their disdain for me was nearly tangible. But regardless, I forged through it all with little more than a handful of friends and will paired up with a fair deal of self-defense.

I often dreamed of what it would be like if the world was different, coming up with numerous fantasies over the years of going on an epic journey ripe with excitement and adventure. It should be clear that I was very interested in video games and several movies and I still am at the age of 21. When a movie or game moves me, I would re-enact and entertain the ideas of what it might be like if I was in there, leading me to believe that I might just be a tad autistic as I play out scenes with both my mind and body. I would sleep on it, attempting to lose myself in my own little world, however fleeting it may be. But of course, reality has its ways and has always snagged me by the neck and dragged me back to this cruel place where all are governed and ruled by regulation I simply cannot abide by and it saddens me to no end knowing it's the only world I can truly be in.

It soon became clear to me that I was doing both actions as a method of avoidance and escape from a world that I knew I didn't belong in, one that would never accept me and I could never accept. But after a lot more observation and thought, I've come to a decision - society is my enemy.

DISCOVERIES

"There is no journey in the linear path that is life." - Edric Ng

For the average human, life is spent in pursuit of a single thing - numbers.

When a person is born, they are innocent, unknowing and free from society's vice-like grasp. But that bliss would soon be shattered.

Society dictates that a child is to pursue higher grades through education (one that destroys creativity as we are all molded to fit society) which show up as numbers on a report card.

Occupation is something society has forced down our throats as people go off to do the same thing day after day for money in order to do nothing more than pay the bills and surivive.

When a person is too old to continue working for society, it will toss that person aside like a piece of trash, and it is where that person will die after being used to their limit.

Birth - Education - Occupation - Death

There are times where I would ask my parents and family how a person could possibly be happy doing the same thing over and over for majority of their lives for nothing more than paying the bills. Their answer is often "Because everyone else does it.", and it is one that infuriates me to no end. Perhaps it is my own pride, but to simply follow along with the masses is both brainless and ignorant to me. Each attempt I try to make them understand, they lash out at me, calling my problems insignificant and telling that I shouldn't think about such things. To this day, all of my relatives are merely relatives in name and in name only, I share no connection or understanding with them.

I have a newly born niece, and I still remember how I greeted her for the first time, "Hey there little buddy, welcome to hell.". All the while knowing that she was going to be yet another relative I have no connection with.

Now then, going through the preordained route through education after birth. I tried to distance myself from as many people and society as much as possible, causing me to skip a large and significant portion of all my classes in favour of possibly discovering something about myself, a magical truth that the blind masses have chosen to miss or disregard. I've always been drawn to forest and secluded areas as a result of this. I wanted to explore, and for a brief moment in time be the adventurer I've always wanted to be.

When things would get very bad, and they have to the point where I've contemplated making myself close my eyes for good. I have began to ponder that perhaps those that do so aren't the cowards the general public labels them, but rather the brave and courageous that become the harbingers of their own inevitable end. Something that most are incapable of doing in fear of the pain or uncertain of what lies beyond the result.

THE PROBLEM

"Oh, Robin, what a beautiful night. I wish it would never end." - Maid Marian

For those wondering, I am here because I am currently depressed, and for what I believe is a silly reason. Of course there is the general dissatisfaction with real life, and that I truly believe that I was born in the wrong world. One that is grey and lifeless as we all wait for our death.

Has anyone ever heard of the Avatar Effect? Apparently a large group of people that watched the movie named "Avatar" came out feeling depressed as they come to realize that they can never visit the utopian planet portrayed in the movie. Though I would never joke about depression, I found it awkward as it seems to be very different from other sources of depression, and that it could never happen to me.

How I was made to eat my own words...

I happen to be a large fan of the Disney interpretation of Robin Hood as a child and even now over a decade later. Maid Marian, who was portrayed as an anthropomorphic vixen was my childhood crush, and Robin Hood, an anthro fox was undeniably charming and to this very day remains a role model of mine as I remain drawn to him. The DVD of the movie now sits on a shelf beside the living room television, but I fear ever watching the movie despite my love for it. It's actually comparable to a really pretty flame that I can't help but stick my hand into time after time - only to get burned.

Now as to the creation of my most recent fantasy world. Through research and deduction, I was able to connect the first entry of the Assassin's Creed games to the movie. In my mind and certainly through physical actions, I would entertain the idea of being an anthropomorphic fox and an elite member of the Hashashin being sent to Nottingham with a single mission - the assassination of Prince John. This directly sets the story for my own character to come across the rest of the cast, where he would possibly join Robin's band of merry men and in turn become a Templar given the chivalrous thief's loyalty to King Richard who is seen leading the Templar army in the battles of Third Crusade in the game.

Stepping back and looking at it all it seems like a fascinating and exciting tale, and one I would definitely love to draw out in detail. But the mere fact that it's fake and can never actually happen is how reality grabs me by the throat and tosses me back into a world where I only see as grey and hopeless. The more logical half of me would ridicule myself as to why I would become so invested in a cartoon as I bash myself and call myself a fool.

I'll be honest, if watching the movie didn't make me depressed, I would be watching it much more often.

CONCLUSION AND WARNINGS

"Boredom is the next epidemic." - Edric Ng

First and foremost, I understand and greatly appreciate anyone's desire and attempt at helping me achieve our ultimate goal of becoming free from depression. However, I must also shamefully admit that I am comfortable with my fantasy worlds that I may not hesitate to lash out against those that attack them, particularly the most aforementioned one. All before running to the shower or into bed and crying until the pain subsides or I fall asleep.

As this one post carries many deep secrets that even my family knows nothing about, the depth and openess of what is here is purely a medium to allow for more precise, relevant and helpful suggestions or comments. In the end I suppose it boils down to - please be gentle.

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it is with a heavy heart that I write this.

Maybe I was a fool to think anyone would care, and that maybe I shouldn't have put in the effort to go into such dark recesses of my mind. It doesn't matter though, coming in bare to be ignored is something I'm slowly getting used to as it's happened everywhere else. This is possibly my own envy speaking, and forgive me if it is.

To be honest, I spent the earlier hours of the day looking through the topics of others, particularly those that had little to no replies and it scared me as I started to scroll down on each thread.

Well, it's about time I tried pulling myself out of the trenches. If I'm going to rely on someone I might as well rely on myself.

It is from each story that a moral can be taken, and I would like to believe the moral from Robin Hood is to defend your freedom and never idle when you are wrong and oppressed.

My mind is still wraught with questions however:

"Was this the wrong place to put something like this?"

"Maybe there is no hope for someone like me."

"Perhaps it was the poor (and rather misleading, now that I look at it) title?"

"Are my problems simply too heavy for anyone to handle?"

"Am I just too different for it to be a natural decision for others to just.. alienate me?"

So much so that I would shut my mind down, and think of absolutely nothing as I drag along this lifeless reality filled with nothing but despair as I wait patiently for my death.

Having nothing to live for.. sucks.

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Hi Edric,

I hope you hang around and persevere. You did well to write all that out. It's important to remember that everyone on here is suffering with some sort of difficulty and inevitably posts with long and complicated text are always going to be more difficult. Personally I am often unable to focus when there is a lot there. Sometimes people can't find the words to respond and that also won't be about you and your worth. I may have missed this as my concentration is near zero but have you made plans to see a therapist? Coming here was a great first step.

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Has therapy even began to work? I've been sent by my family doctor to see several throughout my life, and it's been many things but hard theraputic, not to mention expensive and far.

Now that I'm an adult, most therapists and psychiatrists won't even see me due to that fact alone. It takes a lot of work to be open as a book like this and most therapists probably wouldn't hear what anyone could see here in any of my visits with them simply cause I'm actually uncomfortable to share these things.

I used to tell myself in my teenage years that I don't want a normal life, and that maybe if the world was just a little more exciting I'd be a little happier with it.

But in the end, the world just isn't like that. It's one where we all just have to bow our heads and walk down the same beaten path that everyone had to take and never question it. Call me defiant but I could never forgive myself if I just did something cause everyone else did. It just seems like a half-assed approach to life.

Edited by Edric
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Hi Edric,

I just now saw your post. Fwiw, I was asleep during the times between your first and second one, so my personal lack of a reply is not so much because I don't care but because I was unconscious and dreaming about my own demons. You actually write very eloquently and my guess is that a lot of folks here can relate to many aspects of your post but, sometimes, after the first reading of such honesty, it takes some time to take it all in before one can put their thoughts together and respond.

I was always the one who was despised in school, I saw the brunt of the whole "cooties" ordeal which later evolved into exclusion and being treated as subpar to those around me as well as physical and verbal bullying. What do I mean? My classmates would steal from me and give me undesirable nicknames, their disdain for me was nearly tangible. But regardless, I forged through it all with little more than a handful of friends and will paired up with a fair deal of self-defense.

This really takes me back. Kids in class and on the playground avoiding me and running up to me, saying they had to stay away because I had "cooties." Stealing things from me all the time, throwing my purse and books on the ground. Calling me all sorts of names. Kicking me. It's a horrible way to grow up, isn't it?

I often dreamed of what it would be like if the world was different, coming up with numerous fantasies over the years of going on an epic journey ripe with excitement and adventure. It should be clear that I was very interested in video games and several movies and I still am at the age of 21.

I completely get this. I'm much older than you are, and we didn't have video games (or cable, for that matter) when I was young, but I had my own way of trying to create a different world through fantasy. Of making something better than the outside world, so I could get through day to day, if I couldn't make sense of the "real" world.

For the average human, life is spent in pursuit of a single thing - numbers.

Wow. I love this quote! And I think, for the average person, it is sooo true. It's what I (and those of us who are deeper thinkers and dealing with depression and anxiety and other "mental illnesses") find absolutely maddening in the world. That everyone is about getting more or having more and so few stop to think about the truly important things, which have NOTHING to do with the numbers.

For those wondering, I am here because I am currently depressed, and for what I believe is a silly reason. Of course there is the general dissatisfaction with real life, and that I truly believe that I was born in the wrong world. One that is grey and lifeless as we all wait for our death.

I think this is another area where a lot of people here could probably relate. I certainly can. That feeling like we don't belong here. That sense that this world is "grey and lifeless" and we are just here waiting "for our death." I'm struggling with this very thing right now. I can very honestly tell you (and I've been around the block many, many times, so I'm not just saying this - I gain nothing by lying to you) that this is how depression makes us think. Now, even I don't believe that right now because I'm seriously depressed right now, but I KNOW it to be the truth because I've had long stretches when I wasn't depressed.

And yes, therapy can help, but it is hard work and you have to be connected to the right therapist who understands you and is willing to work with you where you are. It also can be expensive, but there are often programs and places that will help people who can't afford the full fee. There are also programs you can work through on your own, while you are waiting to get into see a therapist.

I hope you'll continue to write here, Edric.

I used to tell myself in my teenage years that I don't want a normal life, and that maybe if the world was just a little more exciting I'd be a little happier with it.

But in the end, the world just isn't like that. It's one where we all just have to bow our heads and walk down the same beaten path that everyone had to take and never question it.

In my experience, we have to make our own excitement in this world and, sometimes, we have to find ways to create our own happiness. And, we NEVER have to just follow the crowd. Lots of people will tell you that you must, that that's the only way to go, that you'll run into trouble if you step off that path and question things or try to find your own way. Take it from someone who knows: it *is* harder when you question and when you leave that path, but it's so much more satisfying and you feel so much more better about yourself. I promise.

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