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God As A Last Resort


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I'm the only one of my siblings that wasn't baptized. I was going to get confirmated but quit that. I have not been brought up in a religious household. My father is an atheist and my mother fluctuates between christianity and eastern religions and seems to be drawn to both but isn't really devoted.

And here I am now, when it all gets too much, putting my faith to the good Lord in heaven, trying to believe that my life is exactly as it should be. That although I may not be content with where I am right now, it is where I must be, where I'm meant to be and I'm not meant to have the things I want, the things I am convinced will make me content. It might sound harsh, that God doesn't want me to be content but in the grand scheme of things, what does it matter? He can take the wheel I don't want it.

I just can't with my life, with myself... The inferiority, the self-loathing, being an outsider, never belonging, nobody to confide in, being such a miserable Biotch it's turned me into a horrible demon, selfish, Biotchy, bitter, jealous... Just plain awful...

If I had been brought up with a belief in God I would probably have rejected him, but I wasn't so instead I seek him.

Right now it's the only place I can find a reason for living, and acceptance for my life as it is. The only question is how long it will last.

The guilt and the shame is the hardest part. If this is all meant to be I have no need for those.

Edited by bellbottoms
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Interesting that you called this thread "God as a last resort." I love what C.S. Lewis wrote in "The Problem of Pain", how we choose God when nothing else works, and God, in his humility, accepts us anyway.

You seem respectful and hopeful toward God. Humble. It has encouraged me.

As a fellow broken human being, I don't feel I have much to offer God. I need help to make the bed and get through the day. And I get the help I need.

I am happy you are here and reaching out...both to God and to us. Look forward to more from you! :thumbs-up:

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I think that God's great gift is that he accepts anyone. Think of the pentinent thief on the cross who asked for God to come into his life at the very last moment before death. He was accepted with no hesitation. There is no such thing as cheap faith.

Edited by ramkuma
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If I had been brought up with a belief in God I would probably have rejected him, but I wasn't so instead I seek him.

Right now it's the only place I can find a reason for living, and acceptance for my life as it is. The only question is how long it will last.

If you are seeking God in spite of not have been brought up so, I presume that God is calling you to be one of his flock. How long it will last? Well, even if it sounds old fashioned, a part of the Christian faith is that God threw Satan out of heaven because he opposed him. Satan's goal is therefore (in anger) to destroy what God loves, his created people. He don't want us to reach heaven. The day will come when you will wonder if your ideas about God only were fantasies. That day it is important that you pray to God for help over and over again. It may also be good to be prepared for it by reading about Satan's strategies and how to fight them.

My very best wishes for you! :rose:

Edited by Rosegirl
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  • 4 weeks later...

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