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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread


Ixeua

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This is what's happened in the last 24 hours.

1) woman I've been trying to see pretty much tells me there's no point in continuing to try

2) my doctor tells me that I was borderline diabetic the last time she checked my blood

3) phone message from the IRS letting me know they're coming for me complete with a # to call WHERE NO ONE PICKS UP!

I'm going to curl up into a little ball now.

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Maybe #3 was a scam?

#2 at least you are just borderline, still time to fix it. Walking helps a lot!

#1 You dont need her!

Hope tomorrow is a good day for you, Arthur!!

No, I've a legitimate problem with the IRS. I have a lawyer working on it, but that doesn't lessen the impact of when they contact you saying they're coming for you and your wages.

What's sad is I work out 4 days a week. I swim, I bike, I basically eat salads Mon - Thurs (I actually try to make Mondays meatless) and even when I indulge it's still crap like turkey burgers and ground turkey for tacos. I have a very healthy lifestyle, so this may be purely genetic. I seem to recall my grandparents of both sides dealing with diabetes later in life.

And she was great. She was so chill, but apparently that may have been a facade because apparently I wasn't doing enough. On one hand, she has a great career and is incredibly busy so there were weeks she was unavailable. On the other, I can honestly say I lost about a month to this darkness (ironically triggered by my IRS issues) where I couldn't even think about spending time with another human being. And I can't really say, "It's not that I don't care. It's that sometimes I'm rendered inert by depression." So it looks like I don't care.

Edited by ArthurP
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I'm feeling like I don't belong anywhere, and I'll explain why.

I have ambitions, desires, hobbies, passions, interests, and even a decent-to-good amount of social skills I use to share those things we people I connect to. I've proven to people that I am capable of being like that. My consitency is terrible, though. Again, I'm gonna get to that as well.

What I learned from life is that people with the same amount of ambition/passion/etc as I do......well they all come from priviledged backgrounds, and continuously get handed a lot of luxurious oppurtunities on a silver platter. What makes me different from everybody else is that I'm the only person with the same amount of drive who doesn't have a priviledged background. And I get crapped on time and time and time again instead of getting anything on a silver platter. Techically, you'd figure that I wouldn't have any drive considering my background and history of spending too much time in toxic environments and situations. But no. I still thrive for the same things priviledged people thrive for, which makes me connect with them instead of people from my trailer park background. I never connected with people who have this sorta low-life attitude that I can't describe in words, for a lack of proper wording.

What happens is that I keep naturally and uncontrollably thrive to get a life similar to theirs, and I keep getting stuck in these soul-sucking situations instead. Hence the cause of my depression. And hence the reason why I feel like I don't belong anywhere. And it's impossible to change because these are my natural true feelings. You can't change someone's real feelings. You just can't. Messed up isn't it?

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I'm exhausted. Almost done with my long week at work, but now I'm getting sick and am worried about my long shift tomorrow. I've only been scheduled for a few days next week, but they are long days. However, I did finally decide on an official "end date" for work since I will be moving in January, so I only have three weeks left at this job. If it wasn't for that I don't know how I'd get through this holiday… I'm doing my best not to get really low again like I did earlier this week, but now I'm getting irritated and angry at every little thing instead of just going numb. On top of my own personal issues, my brother just lost his job due to budget cuts. He'd been looking for a job for a year and just got this one a few weeks ago. Now it looks like he'll be moving back home, which, though I love him and it isn't his fault, is only going to add more stress to us as a family as we also prepare to move. Life isn't fair for so many :(

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In the dumps, just found out my son relapsed again and he's back in the streets and homeless. Just don't know what to do anymore. I often wonder if I failed him by protecting him so much. I just didn't want him to grow up the way I did. What now, don't really know.

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I am tired of living this painful life. Ideas running through my head are tormenting me. Cannot escape them, how my own mind can be so cruel....or something in my mind. I can be faking that all is well, but then always comes the moment when I am alone with the truth.

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Tomorrow (or technically later today) I have to deal with serious issues that determine my future and I am stressing the heck out. I'm incapable of envisioning positive resolutions. I can only think of the worst case scenarios which is probably part of my depression trying to keep me from doing anything.

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I realize that these oppurtunities of self-advancement that have been given to me are something that I'm just lucky enough to have. The reality is that even a glass of tap water is nothing more than a priviledge that not everyone is fortunate enough to have access to. There are no magical saviors. Only timing. You just gotta be at the right place at the right time.

And when an oppurtunity presents itself to me, the wise thing for me to do is just take it. Why? Because I could either progress as a human being by having a moment of potential joy every once in a while, or I could make a decision for myself that's either bad or unhealthy.

I often fear being completely out of luck, in terms or a lot of things that I really need. Even if I'm willing to do what it takes to achieve what I need, I often wonder if it's truly enough to get there.

Edited by The_Unwanted
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