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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread


Ixeua

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A high school degree, a college degree, and 2 trade degrees and yet I still can't find a job other than washing dishes. Doesn't get any more screwed up than this.

 

 

I have the high school degree, some college and much specialized training in a couple fields and can't work at all. But I've finally come to realize that where you work is not as important as who you are. You are very cared about here.

 

The problem is that my work does not allow me to be who I am, because I don't have the time nor the chance to be myself. In my position, In my position, I am a "bouche-trou", which means I am being used. Basically, every crappy boring uninteresting task people don't wanna do, they throw to me because that's the position and there's no way to make anything better. It's not their fault. They're not forcing me to stay. I signed up for it and I stay for the money only.

 

Still, I don't know how too people that enjoy being used. As much as anyone could have a sense of humour, this is not a laughing matter.

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I figured out what's been bothering me. I've been giving priority to a lot of important things, but I need to take more steps toward GRE prep. I need to take the Literature Subject test for at least a few of the grad schools I'm applying to, and that one's only offered in November. Plus, most of the application deadlines are in December or January. My current school offers free prep courses, including some workshops. I've signed up for most of the workshops, but I still need to send in my transcripts for the prep courses. I'm doing that first thing tomorrow. I have a phone appt with an advisor, too. I hope I can get it together and make the most of it, because oftentimes I seem to flounder and somehow waste the appt. I feel so full of need - need for something I should've gotten, but never got, from parent-figures. I feel like I'm trying to get bits and pieces from anyone, here and there and everywhere, as I go along. It's unbelievably tough trying to navigate life when you've never had family support or guidance, even parents (don't ask, it's too horrific - a can of worms I can't open now). But I'm just saying the fallout, what you're left with, is difficult to heal, and I think it's difficult for others to even fathom the burden that you carry, unless they've experienced it. I mean, that's why I'm so socially clueless, because I didn't go through the ordinary growth and socialization stages as a child.

 

I shouldn't go into that now. I was just trying to figure out why I get so desperate sometimes - feeling like I'm running out of time. Or like I'm waiting for bad news, for obstacles or confirmation that I can't do it. For a cruel blow. I really feel like I'm going in the right direction, that I really just need to almost ride the wave in - not that I shouldn't do anything, but I can do it confidently, relaxed more or less, that I have what it takes to get in and so forth. When I write, it's hard not to lament about how I'll ever get anyone, never mind the right people, to read this. And without that affirmation or encouragement or hope, it's hard to finish it. I think I keep fearing that the same thing will keep happen, or that patterns will repeat. How will I break out of isolation when I haven't managed it yet? I know it's live and learn, and I've learned so much. I need to do things differently this time around - and most of all, persevere. A big part of the problem before was that I was so reactive. I've always been passionate, and I would panic and assume the worst. About situations, people's actions, that they didn't want anything to do with me or thought really badly of me, or that their beliefs or opinions made them fundamentally alien creatures. The depth of my alienation is hard to describe. I never grasped it myself, or I just didn't see it the same way. I've let go of so much of my hangups in the last few years, especially the last few months. It mostly came from the fact that I thought I was alien, though, due to the messages I got early in life. I felt so unlovable, unworthy of any connection or affection, inhuman. It wasn't other people, or the way I felt about them; it was the way I felt about me. My judgment of them was actually a reflection of my feelings about myself. I felt I could never be accepted, so I never gave anyone else a chance. I read the worst in every look, flicker of expression, word, tone, action, or lack thereof. Part of it was projection, and introjection. I saw in them what I had grown up seeing in those around me - and in them, I'm afraid, I really was right. But not in everyone. Maybe in few others, actually, although I think I do have good radar when it comes to actually abusive types. It's normal or healthy or kind people who I have trouble with. The ones I actually want in my life. I've known so much toxicity and I've had trapped inside poisoning me for so long; the last thing I want is to be toxic.

 

I've just remembered some more things I buried. A couple of traumas from when I was 18-22. I'm amazed sometimes how hard I am on myself. I can easily see now how these things are connected to this, how I've been hiding and terrified of self-revelation so long, even as I was so lonely and dying for connection at the same time. I didn't forget they happened, but I didn't see the psychological causal relationship before. But looking back, it's hard to see how they could've not affected me like this, considering my background. And I buried them because I didn't know how to deal with them, and I was alone with no help, especially then when I wasn't in school and had no resources, and had no clue where to turn. At 18, I didn't trust anyone as far as I could throw them. I had no reason to expect anything from anyone. I don't feel comfortable talking about them here yet, when I've just discovered them, and I don't want to trigger anyone, either. But I really would like to talk about them eventually with someone. Maybe with a therapist when my insurance kicks in. I think I'd have to build a strong foundation of trust with the person first, though, because they're very sensitive, and there's still a terror associated with them in my psyche. I'm trying to be gentle with myself, and accepting of that. Just to accept the situation as it is for now.

 

I think the amount that surfaces when I actually take steps toward self-healing is a strong and clear sign that I can heal, though. That I'm meant to. I'm going to allow myself to be encouraged by it.

Edited by frozen
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Hi frozen, after reading your post a couple things came to mind. One is working towards self-love, and filling yourself up inside with a sense of self-worth and confidence. I know past trauma and a troubled home life can crush a person's sense of self & spirit. That is where the inner and personal work lies when we are missing the support and love we needed from our parents, is building yourself up for yourself, and for love of yourself because you and your life's journey are worth it. This also helps to ease the desperation for others and anxieties about failure, about everything crashing around you, and about others rejecting you. We all have to learn to love ourselves in order to heal, to be more whole and on solid footing, and to feel more confident about our abilities to succeed and navigate through life's endeavors, whether that be in career or personal realationships. Another thing that came to mind is I don't know if you have a therapist, but if you don't, I would strongly suggest also working through these issues with one. They can be of great help in healing past traumas & helping you to journey through them so that you can gain the confidence and strength you need to move forward. A therapist can also help reflect back to you your personal strengths to give you the wisdom & growth needed for gaining self-love.

 

Just some thoughts. :hugs:  :icon12: .

HH

Edited by havehope
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A high school degree, a college degree, and 2 trade degrees and yet I still can't find a job other than washing dishes. Doesn't get any more screwed up than this.

 

 

I have the high school degree, some college and much specialized training in a couple fields and can't work at all. But I've finally come to realize that where you work is not as important as who you are. You are very cared about here.

 

The problem is that my work does not allow me to be who I am, because I don't have the time nor the chance to be myself. In my position, In my position, I am a "bouche-trou", which means I am being used. Basically, every crappy boring uninteresting task people don't wanna do, they throw to me because that's the position and there's no way to make anything better. It's not their fault. They're not forcing me to stay. I signed up for it and I stay for the money only.

 

Still, I don't know how too people that enjoy being used. As much as anyone could have a sense of humour, this is not a laughing matter.

 

Nobody likes to feel used, you are correct.  Still, you know who you are in your heart and that is what counts. 

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I was doing great last night after a chat with another member set my fears to rest. But in bed, half asleep, my mind kept racing and bouncing off things, and I couldn't sleep for a long time. I wonder if it was too much exercise too late at night. I got about 4 hours of sleep. I kept worrying about my fear itself! Worried about the intensity of my pain, aversion, horror of the past, anger, and so forth. Worried that it's an obstacle to ever truly letting go, to stop being afraid. I know now that this is not true. But I've been - superstitiously - trying to avoid all thought of it. I've wrought it up to fever-pitch in my mind. I think I've actually sensitized myself to it, to extremes, from this superstitious fear, horror, anger, aversion, etc. I know I'll need to work through this with a therapist. It's my own mind that's creating the "monster" that's been terrorizing me.

 

And this self-sabotage keeps rearing its ugly head. I kept obsessing about it last night, trying to avoid the thought of it instead of the false beliefs. I told myself I rejected them, but I just kept trying to avoid thinking about it, too. As if it were dangerous, as if it would open something, like a connection that would allow something else to take me over. To sap me and drain me again. I still reject those beliefs. So why am I still obsessing over them? Why am I so phobic? 

 

I'm trying not to get down on myself. Especially with 4 hours of sleep, I can't afford to throw any more stress into the mix. It's the start of a new week, and I have so much planned to do.

 

I know the object of my phobia isn't real. I truly believe that in my heart. I think I may have just been so used to this for so long, it's hard to uproot the habits of reacting. Plus, it's so painful to think of the root of the issue. I've been trying to avoid the emotional turmoil that it brings up, and I think I've demonized that superstitiously out of anger and pain. I feel like it's the fault of my abusers that I've suffered so much throughout life (this was beginning from early childhood).

 

You know, I've just figured out from writing this that it really is me. It's me that doing this, that's creating my own terrors. I'm my own Oz, so to speak. I just stopped and spent a few minutes addressing that, and it's helped tremendously. So as to leave no room for doubt: I'm doing this, and I can stop it.

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A high school degree, a college degree, and 2 trade degrees and yet I still can't find a job other than washing dishes. Doesn't get any more screwed up than this.

I have the high school degree, some college and much specialized training in a couple fields and can't work at all. But I've finally come to realize that where you work is not as important as who you are. You are very cared about here.

The problem is that my work does not allow me to be who I am, because I don't have the time nor the chance to be myself. In my position, In my position, I am a "bouche-trou", which means I am being used. Basically, every crappy boring uninteresting task people don't wanna do, they throw to me because that's the position and there's no way to make anything better. It's not their fault. They're not forcing me to stay. I signed up for it and I stay for the money only.

Still, I don't know how too people that enjoy being used. As much as anyone could have a sense of humour, this is not a laughing matter.

Nobody likes to feel used, you are correct. Still, you know who you are in your heart and that is what counts.

It does. But at the end of the day, I almost never have the chance to be that person. While I don't emotionally invest myself much into what strangers who I never see think of me, the opinions of the people around me are more important than what I think of myself because they tell me what I'm going to do with my day. They have the opportunity to make me do depressing tasks because of my financial dependency on the workforce. They cannot afford to abolish my position. It's not always easy finding a productive job.

The opinion of my boss on me is more important than my opinion of myself because I am nothing if I don't get hired to have sufficient money to live off of. While it's true that I cannot please anyone without pleasing myself first. In the end, I have to know what people are looking for at least in the jobs i apply to because I know what's more important.

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A high school degree, a college degree, and 2 trade degrees and yet I still can't find a job other than washing dishes. Doesn't get any more screwed up than this.

 

 

I have the high school degree, some college and much specialized training in a couple fields and can't work at all. But I've finally come to realize that where you work is not as important as who you are. You are very cared about here. 

 

I'm a happy camper today.  I've had my surgery, recovering well (no cancer,  YAY! ) and feel very blessed with good family (the ones I claim anyway), good neighbors and friends who have been like angels to me, seemed to sense when I needed them most (even though I didn't tell them about the surgery or other life struggles), and one friend/neighbor sent over thru her sweet special needs son a plate of goodies yesterday, and another even brought a meal tonight. This doesn't ever just happen out of the blue!  Neither knew about the surgery.  The one tonight said she just made extra and felt like she should bring it to me/us, and no, she didn't know about my surgery! (And my sweet hubby is exhausted, needed a break.)  I feel like someone up above is watching over me, very aware of my needs. I hope I don't offend anyone with my beliefs, it is just what I feel. 

And tonight I feel blessed. 

I hope this doesn't get anyone down as this is not happening to them at the moment, I hope it just gives hope that things won't always feel so bleak.  I've had many years of bleak, and it's hard, not fun, and not wished on my worst enemy. But tonight is a special night, and I want to share it with those that need it most.

 

Sorry to hear you are going through a rough time but at least you have someone looking over you.   

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Safe: I got the damnned flu shot - a war that was gonna cost me my job and somehow effect my husband's immigration situation.

Sold Out and Whored... Bullied and Cattled

 

Validated: I've connected with very old and dear friends in the last week and feel supported and empowered as much as I can believe

 

Refreshed: I've made new friends and it seems the exchanges are mutually gradifying for the moment.

 

Drunk and sleepless: I blame the day's events on the latter. The first, there is no excuse.

 

Ready: What's the next threat I'm ill-prepared to fight but habitually will

 

Disregarded (which would be par for the course) and Gulity: I abandoned my daughter at a young age and it's been hell trying to stay connected with her as an adult - both of us suffering emotional imbalances.

 

Wet and Fat: Just took a shower and not looking forward to work - as my uniform is getting tigher and that effects my feeling of freedom and efficiency.

 

Selfish: I am missing the opportunity to take part in other people's lives as a positive influence while hiding in -and whining about- my own.

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Feeling really down and hopeless today.  When will this depression end?   I am still in bed and it after 2 pm.

Yeah duck when will it end? i'm so anxious and lost too....i've got an appointment with a doctor at 3pm to take my first TMS therapy as he works in a medical center and he's an expert at TMS TMS_How_It_Works.jpgabout.pngneurostar-magnetic-waves-depression-trea

 

 

Feeling like when is it going to end. Im bored in this life.

There's no ending to the suffering we born everyday in the morning to suffer more and more as noting changes you get more depressed each day...i've 50 years more to live to die by natural causes!

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