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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread


Ixeua

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Noticing a pattern of feeling bad-->feeling better-->family has some sort of issue-->feeling worse than I did before

 

Was feeling better after therapy today. Brother broke the dryer. Sad again. It's funny because in therapy we talked about me not associating my good luck with bad stuff happening to those around me (my brother's an ass, but this is just something else for my dad to worry about)...

 

Me, more often than not:

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I feel like my life is falling apart at the seams and that I'm powerless to do anything about it.

My son's mom called this morning; it was around 830 or so..at the time I was still in bed (don't go into work until 130), and though I had been awake since 6, I was having a hard time breaking out of that depressive paralysis that just immobilizes you and makes you wish the earth would just crack open and swallow you up permanently. I think many of you know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, I'm lying there, staring bleakly at the ceiling contemplating a nonexistent future, and the phone rings and it's my son's mom. Our son is on the autism spectrum, not severe, but he still struggles with behavioral/socialization difficulties. Apparently he threw a fit when it came time to get on the bus; he stayed home from school yesterday because of a cold, and just didn't want to go back today, even though he was feeling better. Two of his cousins, who have the week off from school, are visiting while their parents are away celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary, complicating matters further. I ask what I can do to help, as she is a busy executive and hasn't been able to get much work done the last few days as she has had to work from home and deal with our son's illness/crankiness. Initially I offered to come and pick him up and keep him with me until lunchtime, but she ultimately decided to stay home again, and asked could I take him to school in the morning, as she is flying out of town at 6am tomorrow to meet a friend. I told her no problem, I will make it work and take an early lunch (I go in tomorrow at 5). She sounds exhausted (she has a cold too) and I can tell she has been crying a little, as she (and I) have agonized and been at our wits end to help our son cope with this disability. She thanked me and I told her before I hung up that I was sorry she and Gardner (our son) were having a tough time, and that I wish there was more I could do :(.

I thanked her again for keeping me posted about our son, we said goodbye, and I hung up, all the while feeling more alone, depressed, dejected, helpless, worthless, impotent and ineffectual as ever :(

A few minutes later, my former spouse rings me again. "He wants to talk to you. He is upset because he is "grounded" today and he knows I am very angry with him." I say I understand, and that I will be firm with him (he is 7 y.o. and in 2nd grade). He gets on the phone. He's crying, but I tell him his behavior is unacceptable and does he understand why mommy and daddy are upset and disappointed? He says he does and that he's sorry. I tell him I love him and that I will see him in the morning, and hang up.

For those of you who have read this far, many thanks for listening. I have been crying on and off all morning since the calls from my wife and son. I woke up feeling more depressed than I have in months, and now on top of that, I feel like a failure as a parent, on every level. As a provider, role model, disciplinarian...even on the physical, genetic level, I feel almost certain that it was my defective, depressive, broken DNA that saddled my poor son with this disability. He deserves such a better father, not this pathetic middle-aged, impoverished, depression-addled loser. I can barely take care of myself. I honestly feel now like I had no business having a child, and I credit his saint of a mom for stepping up and doing the lions share of the heavy lifting in terms of raising him.

I just feel like a miserable failure who has let every important person in my life down, my son most of all.

Just wish a heart attack, stroke or failed brakes would put me out of my misery. At least he (my son) would get some kind of financial restitution to make up for my horrible shortcomings as a dad :(

 

Tim, I could have written a lot of what you said here myself, and come to think of it, I think I have.  My son was recently diagnosed with Aspergers and struggles with the socialization side.  He's just had a semester off school (3 months) because of anxiety and depression associated with the Aspergers.  He's 15 but the diagnosis explains a lot about his troubles with going to school, (or not going to school) all these years and lack of social skills.

 

I also questioned my right to be a mother and blamed myself for passing on my mental crap to him.  I just want you to know that you're not alone feeling this way and coming to terms with everything that's happening.  You're not a bad father and I'm sure your son would rather have you around to help him through this, you love him and that's what counts. ((((((((((hugs))))))))))

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lonely... depressed... sad... crying...

 

Hugs to you, Sairyss. I see your kindness on here towards others - hope you are being kind to yourself and not believing the lies of depression. You are beautiful.

I am frustrated with my life where I am and how I feel like I have failed. In the process of downsizing my life, selling belongings and thinking how I have failed in life.

Hi SMC - I like downsizing and living like a minimalist, but I hope you're not getting rid of things because of believing yourself to be a failure. Every human being fails, some more than others, but usually there's a reason. Sending most tender and loving thoughts your way, that you will know you are worthwhile, despite failure. And that you might recognize it's depression twisting things to see them as "failure" when they might not be your own personal failure, but just life circumstance. We do not have to be perfect to be lovable and worthwhile. (((Hugs)))

Noticing a pattern of feeling bad-->feeling better-->family has some sort of issue-->feeling worse than I did before

 

Was feeling better after therapy today. Brother broke the dryer. Sad again. It's funny because in therapy we talked about me not associating my good luck with bad stuff happening to those around me (my brother's an ass, but this is just something else for my dad to worry about)...

 

Me, more often than not:

tumblr_inline_nk1j92jBEp1rwgp24.gif

So proud of all of us, and you, for therapy and being aware. The video you posted should be our banner video - that is how I feel every day when I get home from work. It's perfect lol

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I feel like I am never going to get well. i feel like I am drowning. I feel like I'm letting those closest to me down. I am sick and tired of feeling this way. I want to be well. I want to enjoy my life and feel happy about all of the good things in it. I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I want this pain to end. I want to wake up tomorrow feeling hopeful and full of energy. I want to live, rather than just exist.

 

Thanks for listening.

while i was reading it, i felt its me writing how i feel, iwish to be happy and well too and enjoy my share of life

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Ditto. I wish I could be happy too.

 

It's my birthday today and I have tears streaming down my face. I am nowhere near where I wish to be in life. I'm throwing a pity birthday party. :party:

 

I am going to try and suck it up and celebrate and will try to feel better, but right now it's hard. Plus it's raining cats and dogs.

Edited by havehope
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lonely... depressed... sad... crying...

 
Hugs to you, Sairyss. I see your kindness on here towards others - hope you are being kind to yourself and not believing the lies of depression. You are beautiful.

 

 

im trying to be kind to myself...

this morning i feel .... numb... i dont want to do anything ... i want to just crawl back in bed .. and hide... for ever.....

 

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These balloons are for all of us..... I hope everyone can have a break from their depression and feel better. In an effort to be more positive & inject a little sunshine into the day, I thought I'd share these.. ((((hugs))) to all.

Edited by havehope
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I feel tired even after a full night's sleep. It's dark and raining and that's not helping. My gp suggested a sunlamp. I read an article about how fluorescent lighting is bad for your health and that full spectrum lighting is good for your health. We've been using fluorescent lighting for years. I'm going to look into replacing all our bulbs soon, depending on how expensive the full spectrum bulbs are.

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Struggling right now to keep myself together, there's to many changes at my work and it's very hard to keep up with everything and not going totally nuts.  I don't know how long I going to last with all that nonsense they are asking me to deal with without yelling for HELP!

 

Need to repeat myself to keep remaining CALM unfortunately it's more easy said than done.  Please Friday afternoon come quick to my rescue and Monday morning please don't rush I can wait for ever for you to come around. 

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First time I've had a conversation with my dad in a while. Told him my drycleaner story, and how nice it was to argue and apologize and not feel any resentment. He seemed mad, both at how I handled it and the drycleaner. It felt like he was trying to bring bitterness when, for the first time ever for me, there was literally 0% bitterness at resolution.

 

I don't want to become my dad and "let things go" but really I'm harboring a ton of resentment. Working on assertiveness is hard when a person has always been passive, but I'm glad I stood up for myself. Wish my dad was also happy for me :/

 

Geez, I was trying to make him feel better and I probably made him feel worse worrying about me...

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so what you dont know about me is i am pagan... specifically i follow the asatru path of paganism..... which is the norse path...

in a month is samhain... it is the time when we honor the 3rd harvest and we honor our family and ancestors.....

well there is a local celebration happening in about a week or 2... and i would like to go... but i dont know... i feel weird just talking about it...

 

i know if i go ill be with friends some of them are like family...

 

i know if i go... ill feel weird because it will be the first time in 2-3 years since i last went....

i know if i go... ill be sad depressed lonely.... because he wont be with me....

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Feeling better today, 

 

Woke up early with plans to go to the gym, fell back asleep, went to the gym later than I expected but feeling better. 

 

I watched a video from Actualized.org, which helped motivate me to get things done. 

 

Still feel like the depression demon is lurking in the depths of my mind as I sit here setting out goals and writing down reminders to chase my dreams. This demon is there, it's haunting me and quite frankly, it's pi**ing me off. 

 

I feel strong today. :) 

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I'm feeling rather OK. I went through a work-sponsored training session about organization and empowering other employees. It was quite positive and I got a lot out of it. You have to make a contract as part of the class, which states that "you will do yadayadayada". I've got lots of "will dos" to follow up with.

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Ditto. I wish I could be happy too.

 

It's my birthday today and I have tears streaming down my face. I am nowhere near where I wish to be in life. I'm throwing a pity birthday party. :party:

 

I am going to try and suck it up and celebrate and will try to feel better, but right now it's hard. Plus it's raining cats and dogs.

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time on your birthday. Hope you get some respite for it here.

Happy Birthday, havehope! I'm glad you're here :)

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

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