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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread


Ixeua

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I feel like my life is falling apart at the seams and that I'm powerless to do anything about it.

My son's mom called this morning; it was around 830 or so..at the time I was still in bed (don't go into work until 130), and though I had been awake since 6, I was having a hard time breaking out of that depressive paralysis that just immobilizes you and makes you wish the earth would just crack open and swallow you up permanently. I think many of you know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, I'm lying there, staring bleakly at the ceiling contemplating a nonexistent future, and the phone rings and it's my son's mom. Our son is on the autism spectrum, not severe, but he still struggles with behavioral/socialization difficulties. Apparently he threw a fit when it came time to get on the bus; he stayed home from school yesterday because of a cold, and just didn't want to go back today, even though he was feeling better. Two of his cousins, who have the week off from school, are visiting while their parents are away celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary, complicating matters further. I ask what I can do to help, as she is a busy executive and hasn't been able to get much work done the last few days as she has had to work from home and deal with our son's illness/crankiness. Initially I offered to come and pick him up and keep him with me until lunchtime, but she ultimately decided to stay home again, and asked could I take him to school in the morning, as she is flying out of town at 6am tomorrow to meet a friend. I told her no problem, I will make it work and take an early lunch (I go in tomorrow at 5). She sounds exhausted (she has a cold too) and I can tell she has been crying a little, as she (and I) have agonized and been at our wits end to help our son cope with this disability. She thanked me and I told her before I hung up that I was sorry she and Gardner (our son) were having a tough time, and that I wish there was more I could do :(.

I thanked her again for keeping me posted about our son, we said goodbye, and I hung up, all the while feeling more alone, depressed, dejected, helpless, worthless, impotent and ineffectual as ever :(

A few minutes later, my former spouse rings me again. "He wants to talk to you. He is upset because he is "grounded" today and he knows I am very angry with him." I say I understand, and that I will be firm with him (he is 7 y.o. and in 2nd grade). He gets on the phone. He's crying, but I tell him his behavior is unacceptable and does he understand why mommy and daddy are upset and disappointed? He says he does and that he's sorry. I tell him I love him and that I will see him in the morning, and hang up.

For those of you who have read this far, many thanks for listening. I have been crying on and off all morning since the calls from my wife and son. I woke up feeling more depressed than I have in months, and now on top of that, I feel like a failure as a parent, on every level. As a provider, role model, disciplinarian...even on the physical, genetic level, I feel almost certain that it was my defective, depressive, broken DNA that saddled my poor son with this disability. He deserves such a better father, not this pathetic middle-aged, impoverished, depression-addled loser. I can barely take care of myself. I honestly feel now like I had no business having a child, and I credit his saint of a mom for stepping up and doing the lions share of the heavy lifting in terms of raising him.

I just feel like a miserable failure who has let every important person in my life down, my son most of all.

Just wish a heart attack, stroke or failed brakes would put me out of my misery. At least he (my son) would get some kind of financial restitution to make up for my horrible shortcomings as a dad :(

Tim, honey, I just want to give you a big hug.

You love your son and you told him so and you'll see him tomorrow.

Is there anything you can do today for him that won't subvert his mom's intentions? Why not call him again, just to listen to him talk to you? He loves you no matter what your shortcomings are. And you love him. You are not a horrible dad. That's the effffing depression taking over your brain and talking.

You are a wonderful, patient dad. I know that from reading your posts.

If I were in your brain, I'd put a shield around it, so depression could not attack and make you feel so bad about yourself.

:hugs:

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Hah! What the **** is going on with my brain? A month of being pretty good and healthy and working hard. Then suddenly out of nowhere boom, again, severe depression. I'm guessing it's something to do with my birthday coming up extremely soon. I don't know how but I got out of bed today. I feel s***ty taking 4 days off from work in a row but I guess it's worth it to prevent buildup of some worse event later in the month. 

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Feeling alright right now.  Very full of pancakes.  I lost 4 lbs this week so I'm feeling good about my junk food day.  I also don't have to work today so that makes me feel even better.  I'm still kinda in drowsy mode though, although I haven't had any coffee yet.

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I have been successfully triggered...on multiple fronts.  Overall good day and a half....poof...gone.  Actually have tears welling up while sitting at my desk.  Initial thoughts now are I'm done for the day, go home and self medicate on pain killers, close my door and lay in bed til morning.  Guess this is where mindfulness is supposed to come in.  Recognize what is most effective for me to get where I want to be, where we all want to be, and that's to feel better.  So I will acknowledge the deeply personal pains I have just experienced and then choose not to give them any more power and definitely not dwell on them any longer.  I will choose to return my focus to my job for the remainder of the work day and then taking care of my kids when I get home.  I will plan to take a walk with my daughter for some exercise and outdoor time.  And that will be enough for today.  Writing this out has helped tremendously. 

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been feeling full of angst with occasional moments of rage the past several days. it's like there's this pile of pointy, jagged, angular rubble that is filling me up, the pile gets higher and higher. instead of sadness this week it's anger. and this background angerbeast is all too keen to jump in if i do start having sadness, to whatever sad thoughts i have, it lends its input at how angry it is at me for not being able to fix my life, and how i should just [insert really not good action here]. i say f-ck you, shut the h-ll up, and it quiets, but remains there waiting to jump back in whenever it gets a chance.

 

been dealing with physical body pains too. and the cat woke me up after 4 hours of sleep, yay it is so much fun to be me.

 

i have been taking slightly more action, that has been the upside, but just having this 50% anger background is not really much fun.

 

and i keep feeling like me telling this stuff to people is just a bunch of bullsh-t, that i am just burdening them and nobody wants to hear it, i should just suck it up and do my sh-t because telling people about it doesn't matter anyway, it doesn't change my life. whatever. maybe that's true, maybe it's not. i don't know. whatever. 

 

and i keep seeing my life as this unsatisfying cycle that repeats itself over and over again, it's like a bad movie. it's like i sit there and watch it, in horror, look it's going to repeat... and it does. there are so many giant pits of problems that i really am not sure how i'm going to get out of it. (*cue stomach hurting again.)

 

whatever. lame. i feel like i just want to barf out all my internal organs that are hurting and all the sources of my health problems, maybe that would help get rid of some of this crap that's inside me.

i feel so uncomfortable all the time, i really can't believe this is my life. it feels like a cruel joke. and the really bad part is that even if i suddenly became maximum-capacity, uber-productivity girl all the time, it might take years upon years to get anywhere with these problems, that i might have to continue this horrible poverty existence for a long, long time beyond now. that thought in itself is very crazy making. i'm just feeling worse the more i write so i'm going to stop.

Edited by stardreamer
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I keep thinking I shouldn't be so down on myself. All things considered, I have a pretty good life. I have a nice home. I can travel. My health is fairly good for a man my age and have hobbies that I can pursue that give me pleasure. So why, you are probably asking, am I so damned depressed? I wish to hell and back that I knew. I can't seem to please anyone anymore no matter how hard I try. My wife is a perfectionist, so nothing I do is ever good enough for her. She tells me that I can't make her happy. We stopped having sexual relations 25 years ago - around my 40th birthday - because her daughter wanted to get her and her Dad back together and threatened to call Social Services and make up a story if I didn't stop making love to her Mom, so I did. I figured celibacy was better than prison. Now I'm 67 and it's too late to start over. I don't blame my wife for hating me, I suppose. She had to learn to live with my decision.

I can't seem to get over the notion that the world belongs to the young and beautiful and that guys like me no longer have a right to it. I p***** away my own youth and now must pay the price by watching the younger generations enjoy the fruits of life that I am no longer entitled to.

So how does all this make me feel? Like I belong in a deep, dark hole all alone. You asked?

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Feeling like I'm not quite sure what I want to do.  This happens often when I have days off.  I don't know what I want to do and wind up not doing anything.  I should do some laundry but who the hell wants to do that lol

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I have been successfully triggered...on multiple fronts.  Overall good day and a half....poof...gone.  Actually have tears welling up while sitting at my desk.  Initial thoughts now are I'm done for the day, go home and self medicate on pain killers, close my door and lay in bed til morning.  Guess this is where mindfulness is supposed to come in.  Recognize what is most effective for me to get where I want to be, where we all want to be, and that's to feel better.  So I will acknowledge the deeply personal pains I have just experienced and then choose not to give them any more power and definitely not dwell on them any longer.  I will choose to return my focus to my job for the remainder of the work day and then taking care of my kids when I get home.  I will plan to take a walk with my daughter for some exercise and outdoor time.  And that will be enough for today.  Writing this out has helped tremendously. 

 

You don't know how much I, and so many other on here are pulling for you Pess.  Writing it out does help a bit.  A walk with your daughter will too.  Little steps, get through. I hope tomorrow is better.

 

I am obsessing again, about people, mostly women, who aren't contacting me.  I need to put the phone and computer away the rest of the night and check message tomorrow. So, that's what i will do.  Unfortunately, my Blue Jays are probably going to be rained out in Baltimore.  NOW WHAT WILL I DO?????

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(((((Stardreamer))))) I wish I had some magical comforting words for you, but I'm drawing a blank right now, unfortunately. I'm so sorry you're in this kind of emotional state, feeling the way you are :verysad3: wish I could give you a big hug!!

(((((daveb48))))) very sorry for the ordeal you've been through and are going through... same as I wrote above, I wish I had comforting words for you, but you're not alone here!

 

(((((Pess)))))) hugs! Sounds like you've got a good plan in place for dealing w/ those feelings--- hope it helps!!

 

As for me, this day has just gotten worse and worse. Feeling very down in the dumps and lethargic... I need to get off my butt to take care of life matters, get to the dentist, the doctor, and enroll in a certification course to improve my career, but my motivation is just not there whatsoever. Each day I say I will and I don't do anything. I'm so frustrated with myself and with my lack of energy/motivation.

Edited by havehope
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daveb48,

I clicked like to let you know I read your post.

And to let you know that you can feel better again. Neither you, nor anyone for that matter deserves to live in a deep, dark hole.

First steps in coming into the light of day is over here.

I know what it feels like to be growing older and to see all the eye candy in the movies, on TV and in ads, and feel that my youth has gone forever and that's it.

Every day I'm alive, I learn that that's not it. When I come here and see all the caring, it inspires me to care. Then I am taken out of myself and out of the deep dark hole.

Welcome aboard!

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I have been successfully triggered...on multiple fronts.  Overall good day and a half....poof...gone.  Actually have tears welling up while sitting at my desk.  Initial thoughts now are I'm done for the day, go home and self medicate on pain killers, close my door and lay in bed til morning.  Guess this is where mindfulness is supposed to come in.  Recognize what is most effective for me to get where I want to be, where we all want to be, and that's to feel better.  So I will acknowledge the deeply personal pains I have just experienced and then choose not to give them any more power and definitely not dwell on them any longer.  I will choose to return my focus to my job for the remainder of the work day and then taking care of my kids when I get home.  I will plan to take a walk with my daughter for some exercise and outdoor time.  And that will be enough for today.  Writing this out has helped tremendously.

 

You don't know how much I, and so many other on here are pulling for you Pess.  Writing it out does help a bit.  A walk with your daughter will too.  Little steps, get through. I hope tomorrow is better.

 

I am obsessing again, about people, mostly women, who aren't contacting me.  I need to put the phone and computer away the rest of the night and check message tomorrow. So, that's what i will do.  Unfortunately, my Blue Jays are probably going to be rained out in Baltimore.  NOW WHAT WILL I DO?????

Hi Brian,

re: the Blue Jays--search YouTube or their MLB page for highlights! Better rained out than shut out, although that's doubtful anyway, considering what a powerful team the Jays are!!

Obsess about the Jays, take your mind off the women...because the Internet was made for watching sports highlights! (okay, not just sports---political coverage, satire, cat videos...)

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Sorry if I'm missing comments or quotes atm, my mind is all over the place. I managed to tidy my bedroom today which was a huge feat in itself. So that's something I guess.

My mum's told me her bf is moving in within the next week or so. Consideting that he is emotionally unpredictable and physically threatened me and my sister, I'm obviously not looking forward to that. My dad was an alcoholic and could get pretty aggressive but at least that was the booze; it was an addiction fuelled by his depression and at least I knew to stay away when he was drunk, usually at weekends or on holidays. He's been dead for 7 years but now it feels like its starting all over again. I can take care of myself now but emotionally I can't take it. I always prefer to avoid violence and have never been in a fight. I once fought back against my dad and frightened myself. Along with that my sister is a powder keg herselfvand hates my mums bf so its gonna be nothing but fireworks. I'm desperate to move out asap but can't as I still don't have a job and my savings are almost gone.

Meanwhile tomorrow I should be dying my hair (green tips, temporary) which will likely freak my mum out and cause nothing but arguments but hell if I'm being controlled anymore. I'm perhaps my own worst enemy here but whatever.

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I'm getting more and more upset and am working myself up into a terribly depressed state. I can't shake these awful feelings.... I'm completely stuck, lost at sea, & paralyzed & getting more and more depressed about the state & situation I'm in. I'm really hating my life at the moment. To top it off, tomorrow (Wed) is my b-day and it's going to rain 3 inches. How completely depressing. :verysad3: I'm really upset right now.

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I'm getting more and more upset and am working myself up into a terribly depressed state. I can't shake these awful feelings.... I'm completely stuck, lost at sea, & paralyzed & getting more and more depressed about the state & situation I'm in. I'm really hating my life at the moment. To top it off, tomorrow (Wed) is my b-day and it's going to rain 3 inches. How completely depressing. :verysad3: I'm really upset right now.

 

havehope, this is exactly how I feel "lost at sea"

ps. Happy almost-Birthday 

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