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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread


Ixeua

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It's been a pretty good day. I know it's because I've been out of the house and saw a friend and hubby was home....and not because of the Wellbutrin, since I'm only on day 5 of that. The only thing is the Wellbutrin seems to be causing a lot of heartburn. Hope that is only temporary...bought some Zantac in the mean time.

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Is it me or is time flying by so fast.  I talked with another resident in our building who agreed.  I remember my younger years when days became a week, and a week like a month, and a month like a year.  We're talking like while in elementary school.  But as I've aged everything goes by so fast.  The trouble is, I look back at all I've accomplished in my life, yet at the same time realizing I'm not really accomplishing anything significant now.  I am sure age, physical and mental condition contribute to this bullet train called life.  But I am totally accepting my depression is not allowing me to stop the clock a bit of aging, and enjoy life again.  

This probably doesn't make much sense, but the point is I feel like an invisible entity watching the world go by, and not being recognized. I want to muster all the strength to get out there and enjoy what life I have left, but my body and mind are only allowing me to take baby steps back in.

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Feeling pretty decent for a change. Finally laid my head down on my pillow...and Monday Night Football is still on. Now just waiting for meds to knock me out. Back is a little stiff from sitting on bleachers watching my son play football. He had a really good game. Name called out by announcer several times for tackles. Several parents commented on his play as I left the stands. Been chatting and laughing with a friend for the last hour. Maybe I'll actually sleep well tonight.

Edited by PessimOptimist
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Alright Pess - nice to read a message from you that abounds with internal peace.  You deserve it.

 

highanxiety -baby steps are OK.  They are what you build from.  Please keep going and try to tamp down unrealistic the idea that your success/turnaround is going to be immediate.  It always takes work, for nearly everyone, except the lottery-winning-lucky among us, who are few and far between.  It's the journey back to life, and out into the world, that is thing.  No matter what anyone, including that nagging inner voice, tells you.  Keep doing what you're doing to get back and savor every step!  No pressure about the time it might/will take.

 

Me, uh, I am not sure.  Time for bed.  We will see tomorrow morning.

 

Brian

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Past two in the morning and I'm playing games on my tablet because all I'm doing is laying wide awake in bed, ruminating about how mistreated I was in my previous job and how I've walked through the furnace of humiliation these past four months in a new team filled with immature and unprofessional brats. Sigh. At least I found out I'm still in the running for a job I applied on with another organization.

Driving home today I hit the edge of a country road and it was a sharp drop off. I blew a tire and needed a tow truck to get home. Government car's in the shop to get fixed. Geez that's all I need. Another reason for the "bratpak" to have a good laugh. lol I'm sounding more like Eeyore every day.

On the upside my cold's gone.

Tomorrow is team meeting and team lunch, then Wednesday our entire division is having an all day meeting. Sounds cozy but in actual fact will be like sticking needles in my eyes since it's merely an opportunity for our Director to get acquainted with our files so she can pretend to know something (she leaves the office at 3 pm every day).

I feel ridiculously adrift ... but never was triumph so near as at that moment of utter defeat.

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Still trying to fight my racing/obsessive/intrusive thoughts through repression and compartmentalization. If I was at 20/100 in how much it's been taken care of, now I'm at 80/100.

Obsessive thoughts about love and connection and worthiness, but what I'm thinking about has nothing to do with me. Perhaps if it did I'd actually talk to someone about it, but with this I have no way to approach the subject. I don't know why I care so much (and why it came on so suddenly). I keep forgetting that I also have depression because of this (heh).

ETA: It's probably a part of my depression, actually. Probably connected to my past in some way.

Edited by buttermybiscuit
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Have not checked in for a while. Doing ok, things are mellowed out and I seem to be able to handle things without too much anxiety. I do get frequent bouts of feeling low and worthless, but not to the depth and persistence as was in the past. My psych upped my Wellbutrin and Buspar so I think I am at a good dose. For now. I still know that depression lurks and, in my usual case, comes on deep and fast over little or nothing. 

 

Always on guard.

 

Going to go check on all so hope all doing ok and hugs and good thoughts to those who struggle.

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Thanks Donaldopato for the good wishes for everyone!   I will take one :)

 

havehope, hang in there.  Your course of action will become clear in time. What's going on in your life reminds me a little of the strife I've gone through with my boss the past year.  It was hard and painful and depressing and anxiety inducing, but I really needed that year to come to the conclusion that I must make a play to leave - move internally to another job.  I could not have made that decision before I knew for a FACT that it was 100% the only option I had.  I think the proper course of action for you will reveal itself in time.  Try to be patient :)

 

I am OK.  Work is a drag, but as I say, I am now forcing the issue using medical means.  We will see where that goes.  On the lady front I suddenly have about 4 irons in the fire, though, admittedly, the fires are stoked with very wet wood.  We'll see.  Writing-wise, I am making progress, finally, sculpting out a narrative/plot outline that's more enticing for a reader - this is my main goal in working with my new teacher.  It is rather exciting.  

 

Cheers and hugs to all who need them!

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Thanks so much, Brian :) You're right... I need to be patient... I'm not very patient when it comes to some things! I'm glad you're excited about your writing and that you have four prospective women at the moment (even if the wood is wet.. )! Cheers to you & fingers are crossed for you re: your job!!!

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Well apparently I slept too well.  Didn't make it in to work until 9.  Normally get in at 6:30.  Perhaps I took one too many meds last night so I'll have to cut out the one that I think is knocking me out too hard.  Other than feeling really groggy, almost drugged, with blurry eyes I'm doing pretty good this morning.  Have to kick ass at work today to make up for yesterday.  Maybe I'll get a chance to check in tonight.  

 

Really hope everyone finds moments of peace throughout today.

PO

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Didnt stir my coffee.... just hit the bottom of the mug and ran into sugary goodness/sickness. bleh.

 

I feel like... a doctor is trying to find my heartbeat but cant, and I'm being yelled at for not supplying an adequate explanation why I'm a walking corpse. Apparently mumbling "Depression" isn't a good excuse.
"

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Didnt stir my coffee.... just hit the bottom of the mug and ran into sugary goodness/sickness. bleh.

 

I feel like... a doctor is trying to find my heartbeat but cant, and I'm being yelled at for not supplying an adequate explanation why I'm a walking corpse. Apparently mumbling "Depression" isn't a good excuse.

"

 

I love the way you express yourself Abandonedalways!

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I feel like my life is falling apart at the seams and that I'm powerless to do anything about it.

My son's mom called this morning; it was around 830 or so..at the time I was still in bed (don't go into work until 130), and though I had been awake since 6, I was having a hard time breaking out of that depressive paralysis that just immobilizes you and makes you wish the earth would just crack open and swallow you up permanently. I think many of you know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, I'm lying there, staring bleakly at the ceiling contemplating a nonexistent future, and the phone rings and it's my son's mom. Our son is on the autism spectrum, not severe, but he still struggles with behavioral/socialization difficulties. Apparently he threw a fit when it came time to get on the bus; he stayed home from school yesterday because of a cold, and just didn't want to go back today, even though he was feeling better. Two of his cousins, who have the week off from school, are visiting while their parents are away celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary, complicating matters further. I ask what I can do to help, as she is a busy executive and hasn't been able to get much work done the last few days as she has had to work from home and deal with our son's illness/crankiness. Initially I offered to come and pick him up and keep him with me until lunchtime, but she ultimately decided to stay home again, and asked could I take him to school in the morning, as she is flying out of town at 6am tomorrow to meet a friend. I told her no problem, I will make it work and take an early lunch (I go in tomorrow at 5). She sounds exhausted (she has a cold too) and I can tell she has been crying a little, as she (and I) have agonized and been at our wits end to help our son cope with this disability. She thanked me and I told her before I hung up that I was sorry she and Gardner (our son) were having a tough time, and that I wish there was more I could do :(.

I thanked her again for keeping me posted about our son, we said goodbye, and I hung up, all the while feeling more alone, depressed, dejected, helpless, worthless, impotent and ineffectual as ever :(

A few minutes later, my former spouse rings me again. "He wants to talk to you. He is upset because he is "grounded" today and he knows I am very angry with him." I say I understand, and that I will be firm with him (he is 7 y.o. and in 2nd grade). He gets on the phone. He's crying, but I tell him his behavior is unacceptable and does he understand why mommy and daddy are upset and disappointed? He says he does and that he's sorry. I tell him I love him and that I will see him in the morning, and hang up.

For those of you who have read this far, many thanks for listening. I have been crying on and off all morning since the calls from my wife and son. I woke up feeling more depressed than I have in months, and now on top of that, I feel like a failure as a parent, on every level. As a provider, role model, disciplinarian...even on the physical, genetic level, I feel almost certain that it was my defective, depressive, broken DNA that saddled my poor son with this disability. He deserves such a better father, not this pathetic middle-aged, impoverished, depression-addled loser. I can barely take care of myself. I honestly feel now like I had no business having a child, and I credit his saint of a mom for stepping up and doing the lions share of the heavy lifting in terms of raising him.

I just feel like a miserable failure who has let every important person in my life down, my son most of all.

Just wish a heart attack, stroke or failed brakes would put me out of my misery. At least he (my son) would get some kind of financial restitution to make up for my horrible shortcomings as a dad :(

Edited by LonelyHiker
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I feel like my life is falling apart at the seams and that I'm powerless to do anything about it.

My son's mom called this morning; it was around 830 or so..at the time I was still in bed (don't go into work until 130), and though I had been awake since 6, I was having a hard time breaking out of that depressive paralysis that just immobilizes you and makes you wish the earth would just crack open and swallow you up permanently. I think many of you know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, I'm lying there, staring bleakly at the ceiling contemplating a nonexistent future, and the phone rings and it's my son's mom. Our son is on the autism spectrum, not severe, but he still struggles with behavioral/socialization difficulties. Apparently he threw a fit when it came time to get on the bus; he stayed home from school yesterday because of a cold, and just didn't want to go back today, even though he was feeling better. Two of his cousins, who have the week off from school, are visiting while their parents are away celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary, complicating matters further. I ask what I can do to help, as she is a busy executive and hasn't been able to get much work done the last few days as she has had to work from home and deal with our son's illness/crankiness. Initially I offered to come and pick him up and keep him with me until lunchtime, but she ultimately decided to stay home again, and asked could I take him to school in the morning, as she is flying out of town at 6am tomorrow to meet a friend. I told her no problem, I will make it work and take an early lunch (I go in tomorrow at 5). She sounds exhausted (she has a cold too) and I can tell she has been crying a little, as she (and I) have agonized and been at our wits end to help our son cope with this disability. She thanked me and I told her before I hung up that I was sorry she and Gardner (our son) were having a tough time, and that I wish there was more I could do :(.

I thanked her again for keeping me posted about our son, we said goodbye, and I hung up, all the while feeling more alone, depressed, dejected, helpless, worthless, impotent and ineffectual as ever :(

A few minutes later, my former spouse rings me again. "He wants to talk to you. He is upset because he is "grounded" today and he knows I am very angry with him." I say I understand, and that I will be firm with him (he is 7 y.o. and in 2nd grade). He gets on the phone (he's crying, but I tell him his behavior is unacceptable and does he understand why mommy and daddy are upset and disappointed? He says he does and that he's sorry. I tell him I love him and that I will see him in the morning, and hang up.

For those of you who have read this far, many thanks for listening. I have been crying on and off all morning since the calls from my wife and son. I woke up feeling more depressed than I have in months, and now on top of that, I feel like a failure as a parent, on every level. As a provider, role model, disciplinarian...even on the physical, genetic level, I feel almost certain that it was my defective, depressive, broken DNA that saddled my poor son with this disability. He deserves such a better father, not this pathetic middle-aged, impoverished, depression-addled loser. I can barely take care of myself. I honestly feel now like I had no business having a child, and I credit his saint of a mom for stepping up and doing the lions share of the heavy lifting in terms of raising him.

I just feel like a miserable failure who has let every important person in my life down, my son most of all.

Just wish a heart attack, stroke or failed brakes would put me out of my misery. At least he (my son) would get some kind of financial restitution to make up for my horrible shortcomings as a dad :(

 

Tim,

 

I am so sorry that you and your family have these struggles. I can certainly relate. My oldest son has learning disabilities and ADHD, There are days when I believe if I would have him reevaluated he would be on the Autism/Asperberger's Spectrum as well. We have endured some very difficult challenges but he's 16 now and it's not easy but it's easier.  I know it's hard to not blame yourself for every obstacle that comes your way, but please be kind to yourself. It certainly sounds like you are doing the best you can. While it may be really hard to do, being a united front with his mother will help tremendously. From one struggling parent to another, I get it... lots and lots of hugs to you, my friend. 

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