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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread


Ixeua

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I haven't actively solicited a social life for 1-2 months while getting over the worst of my depression and anxiety (though I accepted invites to things). Now that I'm feeling better, I feel lonely, and see my friends doing things without me.

 

I've always felt like I have to try harder than other people to maintain a friendship. If I don't organize something, they won't reach out to me unless it's a big group thing. I hate this.

Edited by chasinghappiness
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I haven't actively solicited a social life for 1-2 months while getting over the worst of my depression and anxiety (though I accepted invites to things). Now that I'm feeling better, I feel lonely, and see my friends doing things without me.

 

I've always felt like I have to try harder than other people to maintain a friendship. If I don't organize something, they won't reach out to me unless it's a big group thing. I hate this.

 

This is going to sound really dramatic but I'm over my friends. They have done absolutely nothing for me the past 6 years when I needed them the most and now that I'm getting better I feel like I no longer care if they call me at all. I have my son, husband, and some family...those are the people that matter. And if I make new friends along the way that's great, if not oh well. I'm over how selfish they are. When they need me I may or may not answer the phone like they did to me all these years because they were so "busy". Give me a break. Nobody is that busy, I just wasn't a priority. They only call when they need to vent and I always listened. It's BS.

 

I have a magnet on my fridge that says: "if your presence doesn't add any value to my life, then your abscence won't make a difference either".

 

Words to live by I say.

Edited by novangel
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I actually feel.....okay.   I'm going to a job retraining program sponsored by the State of New York.  Two weeks of career counseling and evaluations.  A week of psychological testing <== For my Dyslexia.  Then they either find you a job or send you back to school.  All for free.  I finally caught a break.

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Patience was not my virtue today.  

 

The President of China is in town, thus they close the freeways for his motorcades causing miles of back ups.  I had a doctor's appointment today and miraculously made it on time after driving detours I knew may not be crowded. the back roads.  What really depresses me is the lack of infrastructure as opposed to the massive amount of building everywhere in the city.  They said today there are plans constructing the highest skyscraper on the West Coast, 101 floors.  All you see around the city and neighborhoods are cranes and construction.

 

Feel like living in a house with none of the city stuff.  A nice old house I can fix up with lots of gingerbread and a big wooden porch.  And a swinging bench on the porch where I can relax, drink Ice Tea, and enjoy the peace and quiet.

 

Maybe some day.  The city is driving me even more crazy.

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Oh my god...

 

I was walking my dog around outside earlier tonight and I could barely restrain him.  He was freaking out everywhere we walked; because, there were about a hundred stray cats all over the place.  It was like something out of a nightmare.  My dog was so worked up by the experience, that he started having nightmares about cats tonight.  Now I have a dog with PTSD, great...

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Been at services for Yom Kippur last night and all day today.

I love the people in this congregation and I like especially to sit and listen to them talk. I used to kind of grind my gears at not being one of the people invited to do stuff (well not strictly true, I sing from time to time with the musicians, when asked). There are lots of people there who do stuff together outside synagogue activities and I sort of wish I were one of them.

But it's not making me too unhappy.

I went to dinner to break the fast with people and listened and chatted. It was fun. I also brought home a piece of chocolate cake to share with my husband and we watched the ballgame on tv and the Royals won in extra innings.

As I understand it, the Blue Jays trounced the Yankees, so Brian...there you go!

It's nice to be with people even if I'm not at the center of everything. Today it was okay to be where I was doing what I was doing. Wish life could always be like that.

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^ Sounded wonderful Dolphin :)

 

Exhausted. Not sleeping.

 

Saw my GP. She said she can't write ADHD med scripts, as I'm not still under the supervision of a shrink. I'm pretty sure that's not the rule but I didn't arg... Wait, I looked it up online, that is the rule (sort of, close enough). ****. 

 

She referred me to a PD-specialist shrink *sigh* *sigh* *groan*. I agreed to it. Why? Why did I do that? I don't want to go back to therapy. Please don't make me :coopcray: . I had 24 years of ineffective therapy. I'm sure I have some kind of post-therapy aversion syndrome *whimper*.

 

I know it's the sensible thing to do. And I have to start being open minded about treatment again (hope is important &...I have no choice) & stop with all the negativity, but... I'm feeling exactly like this right now:

VGnAnXj.png

Edited by Els1e
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Congrats, Renee!! Big accomplishment!! !

 

I'm very frustrated right now. I wish my boss wouldn't ignore me and all the messages I leave on Skype. Even when I leave good news, she doesn't respond. It's so demotivating. I'm quitting early again.

well that sucks if your boss doesn't respond, but if your boss continually doesn't respond, this may mean that she is not looking at skype, or that this is not the preferred means of communication. instead of using skype, maybe use email to send messages. it's less immediate, see if this improves the response time. either way, if you're emailing, then there is less of an expectation for you that you are "waiting" for a response than there would be on skype. yeah some people are not that good at communication but there's no point in constantly worrying about it. just inform her of what you need to and go about your day.

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blarg. feeling so avoidant and just sleepy. yesterday was relatively good after the morning, today just feeling really apathetic and like i don't care about anything. it's like every day is just me making myself go through the motions of doing stuff i'm supposed to do, and not getting that much done. i feel like i'm always behind. just tired of thinking about it. sometimes i wonder if i'm really going to ever be able to improve my life. it's like it takes all the get-up-and-go that i have in me just to barely do something that's not quite the minimum requirement. i wish there were some kind of pills that would make you care about your life, lol. like genuinely care about doing the stuff you have to be doing. 

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Trapped and hopeless. Don't see any relief in sight. All I see is many years of continual suffering. How easily happiness washes away.

 

I always hear people say that religion is comfort - to think there is an afterlife where all your suffering is worth it. As a depressed Catholic, it's torture. I don't see myself as a good person who's worthy of Heaven. The idea of dying and then...nothingness...is much more appealing to me. Peace at last.

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I'm so glad I found this forum. I was feeling desperate last night and didn't know what to do.

 

I wrote about my feelings today. I've never really talked of these emotions before. thank you for giving me the space to share. it's a breather.

 

 

MY POUTY POSSE

 

I know Sadness. I know Sadness quite well, actually. Same goes for her pals, Despair, Anxiety & Self-doubt. They’re not exactly great company, but I’ve learned to embrace them as part of my Pouty Posse.

 

You see, my Posse and I go way back. We’ve gone through A LOT together. We’ve crossed oceans and State lines; mourned lost friendships and nursed broken hearts. Heck, we even learned to tango and salsa, and we karaoke’d our hearts out together. No one really knows this, but I grew up with that crazy bunch. They’re my peeps.

 

Sure, I tried to tell a few friends about Sadness and her relentless crew. But guess what? After a few tries, the response became almost predictable:  a laugh, a sigh, a glaring look, an offer of prayer or some other random manifestation of DENIAL & DISBELIEF.

 

“No way,” one friend said. “No way can someone like you feel any of that!” Apparently, I’m too “funny” and “smart” to kick back and spend time with Self-doubt or Despair.  I was also told that people who laugh and crack jokes like I do CANNOT possibly associate with Sadness.

 

Every unsolicited advice or insight was always more far-fetched than the last:

 

“You’re just bored, stressed or sleep-deprived.”

 

“Just stop eating junk food and try to lose some weight.”

 

“Go find yourself a man, and get laid.”

 

“Snap out of it already. It’s all in your head!”

 

Pretty soon, I felt like a stack of bricks in a game of PopPsych Jengga: picked apart, fragile and nearly a brick away from that dreaded *CRASSSSSHHHHHH*.

 

As with most children’s games, I grew tired of this Jengga. Game over. Enough. I decided I’d be better off keeping the Posse a secret.

 

Oh, yeah…I did try to get rid of the Posse. I tried many times, in fact. But anyone who’s ever interacted with a Pouty crew can attest to this: it’s easier to learn to live with those troublemakers than it is to shoo them out of your life. So, I kept them around — hidden from public view.

 

For the most part, Despair and her friends have been more of an annoyance than a real burden. Believe it or not, there are even days that I’m even grateful they’re around — they help me see and find joy in some of the most mundane things.

 

For the most part, my Pouty Posse has been reasonably easy to manage. But sometimes, depending on the day or time of month, the whole crew throws these random fits and before you know it, we’re facing off, mano y mano.

 

It took many years, and lots of patience (and tears!), but I eventually learned to deflect and counter-attack every jab and hook thrown my way.  I will admit, some of those fights got pretty rough — BUT bruises aside, they still always felt more like friendly matches or backyard fights.

 

LAST NIGHT WAS DIFFERENT. Something was off. The Pouty Posse had a different vibe.

 

I felt real fear as I watched an unfamiliar shape make its way to join the crew.

 

I felt real fear as I saw Self-doubt give up her spot, turn to the newbie and say: “My work here is done. Now go ahead and finish the job!”

 

I felt real fear in the presence of the faceless and hollow…

 

I felt real fear when I heard its name.

 

Last night, I met Worthlessness.

 

Last night, the fight became real.

 

(to be continued...)

 

 

PM member for link to blog - neurotic_lady89/Christina

Edited by neurotic_lady89
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It's close to 3:30 in the morning here and I am wide awake.I'm not feeling tired right now just a bit frustrated.Yesterday I went to see my p doc.We went up on the abilfy and he says if that doesn't work we might try a new medication.Here's hoping I don't really want to go on a new med.

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blarg. feeling so avoidant and just sleepy. yesterday was relatively good after the morning, today just feeling really apathetic and like i don't care about anything. it's like every day is just me making myself go through the motions of doing stuff i'm supposed to do, and not getting that much done. i feel like i'm always behind. just tired of thinking about it. sometimes i wonder if i'm really going to ever be able to improve my life. it's like it takes all the get-up-and-go that i have in me just to barely do something that's not quite the minimum requirement. i wish there were some kind of pills that would make you care about your life, lol. like genuinely care about doing the stuff you have to be doing. 

 

THIS!

 

Very anxious this morning. My psy appt. is in less than three hrs.

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Congrats, Renee!! Big accomplishment!! !

 

I'm very frustrated right now. I wish my boss wouldn't ignore me and all the messages I leave on Skype. Even when I leave good news, she doesn't respond. It's so demotivating. I'm quitting early again.

well that sucks if your boss doesn't respond, but if your boss continually doesn't respond, this may mean that she is not looking at skype, or that this is not the preferred means of communication. instead of using skype, maybe use email to send messages. it's less immediate, see if this improves the response time. either way, if you're emailing, then there is less of an expectation for you that you are "waiting" for a response than there would be on skype. yeah some people are not that good at communication but there's no point in constantly worrying about it. just inform her of what you need to and go about your day.

 

HI Stardreamer, Skype is actually the preferred method of communication. We all use it on the team for quick messages. We all work remotely. She responds even less to email, unfortunately. But good thoughts, & thanks... she's just unresponsive in general. She sucks as a manager.

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Stressed out and having an anxiety attack. I should be leaving for work but I keep putting off heading out. I don't want to go to work, I would rather go back to bed. I got to go now though or I am going to be late, sigh.

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Right now I am feeling a little more hopeful? :rose: Not sure why, but I won't question it! Yesterday I was really down in the dumps.

I joined chat last night for the first time and met some other members I hadn't encountered before which was a lot of fun! This truly is the best forum... I just love everyone here. :icon12: :icon12: :icon12:

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Remember, we have a choice. 

 

So choose to indulge in something positive today.  

 

It's strange, I'm choosing to sit here listening to music that makes me sad and remember the past. While I could snap out of it and go do something productive I'd rather keep thinking back and feeling the pain for a little while longer. I can't even explain why, I just need to.

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