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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread


Ixeua

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Yes, novangel - with me it is a matter of looking desperately for someone to make up for the lack of love shown to me by my parents.  At least, that is what I believe anyway.  I don't know if anyone ever could, and perhaps that's the problem I have.  I don't even know what I should be expecting from a relationship.  I'm that confused.

Edited by salparadise6132
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Yes, novangel - with me it is a matter of looking desperately for someone to make up for the lack of love shown to me by my parents.  At least, that is what I believe anyway.  I don't know if anyone ever could, and perhaps that's the problem I have.  I don't even know what I should be expecting from a relationship.  I'm that confused.

 

I feel I can relate to what you said Brian, maybe not exactly what you meant by it.  it reminds me something I read a long time ago. "The worst loneliness - is feeling lonely in someones arms."  Not being able to feel fulfilled, or have that gaping hole filled from my childhood. I've been chasing the illusion my entire life that I need someone else to fill that gap, when in actuality I need to fill it. My relationships have been speckled with bits of euphoria here and there, thinking "THIS IS IT, I KNOW IT IS!" Only to be let down when the curtains pulled back and I'm still lonely and feel unloved. How can I ever truly feel happiness or a sense of "Home" if I'm expecting others to make me right inside. Anyways, thats my 2 cents.

 

My thoughts are with ya brother.

Edited by Abandonedalways
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I've been taking psych medications on and off for 13 years and nothing has helped long-term. I'm to the point that I don't even care if I'm happy; I just want to be numb so I can make it through life. Unfortunately, the medications that have caused me to feel numb in the past have cause rapid weight gain.

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(((((Cally))))) I hope you are able to get more than numbness out of life. Do you think it could be time to discuss new meds?  I know you will have thought about this, but I toss it out anyway :)

 

Abandoned - I do know it's about me and that I have to become my own rock.  Most of the time I think I can do it.  It's when I'm feeling rejected that these feelings come up.  It will pass.  It's just too that it's happening at a very precarious time for me - being unsure I can get through my work day with my sanity intact anymore.  It all just feels overwhelming right now.

 

All of that said, I need to be the "home" that I long for.  I think I can do it. I've already made great strides in that area.  It's just a bad time.  Thanks bud!

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I've been taking psych medications on and off for 13 years and nothing has helped long-term. I'm to the point that I don't even care if I'm happy; I just want to be numb so I can make it through life. Unfortunately, the medications that have caused me to feel numb in the past have cause rapid weight gain.

 I get where you are coming from.  I wish many times I could feel numb almost all the time.  When I take my evening meds they make me feel calm and ready for a restful sleep.   Sleep has become a welcome refuge for me because for a few hours I can feel normal and free in my dreams.  Now yoo mention it, I have had some weight gain too

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I feel optimistic which is out of the norm. Even though my job is awesome I'm starting to worry that when I'm not >80% mentally stable it has a negative impact on my mental health. I deal with day to day 4 figure money swings which I'm used to, and don't majorly affect my financial status. However when I'm feeling extremely depressed and then have an average bad day at work, it has a chance of sending me down a negative thought spiral. When I have a positive day at work, I feel content like that's how it's supposed to go and don't get excited.

 

I had a couple good days at work and feel like life is going to be alright whereas the couple days before this I was very negative. I need to keep an eye on this. Hopefully I can just continue down my current path of goals towards a more balanced life and decrease the average amount of mental breakdowns I have per year. Hah! We'll see.

 

I sometimes get angry at how self-aware I am of my feelings and the crazy that's going on in my brain. If I wasn't always so rational and self-aware, I wouldn't be around on this planet anymore. 

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Stardreamer,

 

I could have written what you wrote nearly word for word just a couple of months ago and still can on a down day.  I'm trying to change my vocabulary in hopes in will help with the negative reinforcement I think I encourage, so bad days have now become down times really so I don't set myself up for an entirely bad day. 

 

I think it's good to be able to recall a time when you felt a little zippier.  It's a frame of reference, for me.  A place to get back to.  I sometimes ask myself what I was doing during that time that contributed to feelings of well being.  Some people have no such frame of reference because they've never really felt well.  I only have one such occasion when I felt really joyful for nearly a year.  I had a lot going on that year as I lost my job, broke up with my ex (who I reconciled with and then left again after two years), and my first grandson was born, which was joyous but took some getting used to because of my thoughts on aging.  I believe what made it joyful, in spite of the circumstances, was the focus I placed on healing.  For the first time in my life I wasn't tangled up with a relationship and this forced me to look at myself.  It also freed up my time to take better care of myself, which I had never really done.  I saw a therapist and did emdr therapy.  It was a challenging process but helped me put to rest some of my childhood stuff.  I was also in graduate school and wrote a memoir for my theses, which increased awareness of my situation.  I wasn't working so I was able to swim and exercise everyday, which helped so much.  I was also able to babysit my grandson a few days a week with gave me a sense of purpose and alleviated the feelings of being so alone.  Anyway, my point is that maybe you can recall those times when you felt more like you, and aside from any chemical imbalances you may have to treat or do already treat, pull back on what you were doing then.  

 

There were so many days this past couple of years when I would open my medicine cabinet in the mornings to take my supplements and think to myself that I was just wasting my time and my money.  I would honestly stand there and get mad at myself.  I'd say harmful things like what the he!! are you doing?  This isn't helping you a bit.  You are not getting better.  You know what, I still don't know if they are helping me.  What I do know is I was trying to do something to help myself and this meant that I did care about me.  Even if only a little bit.  I learned to just say I don't know if this is helping but I'm doing it anyway.  

 

I didn't have the energy to nurture some of my friendships and though I'm working on reconnecting now I can also see that some of them were one sided.  I felt depleted whenever I'd spend time with them doing social things that I really don't want to do.  I no longer do them.  I try to be there for them sometimes but draw the line at being a sounding board for people who seem to forget to ask me how I am during a conversation.  I had a therapist tell me she believed me to be an empath and that I needed to learn how to conserve energy.  I have to pick and chose where I place my emotional energy.  I chose to do it places like here where people are seeking solution.  The people here seem to understand that I may be up one day and down the next, so explaining that isn't necessary.  I guess I'm just tired of explaining something I don't really understand and can't control sometimes.  It is what it is.  

 

The last thing I want to share with you is that I, too, have felt that there wasn't much purpose in my life.  I'm working to pay the bills and keep a roof over my head and whoop de do.  Ha.  I tried to refocus on doing good deeds for other people.  I chose those people to be my immediate family.  I didn't want to keep getting my grandkids on my days off, but I did, though less frequently and we did activities that made room for my decreased energy levels.  We went to the park less and rented movies more.  My desire to do more with them has increased though it still feels all draining at times.  Do you have an avenue for giving?  Someone who needs mentoring or could benefit from your experiences?  It seems to help me feel better about myself.

 

I hope some of what I said helps you.  I get where you are coming from so well and wish you some peace today. 

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Right now I feel like one of those older women who missed their chances to fulfill their dreams like become a ballerina or something and that maybe I'll be depressed forever living with this s***ty regret because you can't turn back time

 

Random Alice,

Have you ever heard of a sitcom Being Erica?  I watched it on Hulu several years ago as suggested by a friend.  In the sitcom, which seems a little goofy at first, Erica has the ability to go back and change situations where she believed she missed opportunities in her past.  With each episode she goes back and changes things and ends up in a worse predicament.  It's all done with a sense of humor but makes one aware of how we all think having done xyz in the year xyz would have resulted us with improved life situations.  

 

It's hard to know we can't unring a bell.  I'm in my fifties now and starting over again.  I'm sad about it sometimes but hey I'm still on the right side of the dirt so there's hope.

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I think too much and I'm starting to think I actually feel very little. I mean, every day I can't remember anything other than 'feeling nothing.' What a life to lead - not caring about anything or anyone, except yourself, because you hate yourself (but do I really hate myself, or do I *think* I hate myself, because, like I said, I don't *feel* anything, right? /joke).

This is a step up from last year though, when I was in the depths of suicidal depression, so I'm thankful for that, at least.

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I wonder if this happens to any of you?  There are so many people I want to respond to on here but I always feel I have to limit it to one or two.  Not sure why I feel that way?  Maybe I just don't want my post to be as long as War and Peace LOL.

 

Anyway, here goes my screed:

 

TopekaK - your sentiment above was lovely.  Thank you for being here!

 

Renee2 - I am glad you are feeling a little contentment - you deserve it!

 

Flash - It's great to have you back - although, I hope you are doing well????

 

JD - I know what you mean with the drinking thing. Let's try to at least limit it, shall we?

 

Mia - happy birthday again!  LOL.  It's fun just wishing someone like you well (so I'll do it twice)

 

Barrier - very happy for you, young man :) (P.S. I don't know how old you are but at my age, you're probably younger them me LOL

 

Anita - I hope your anxiety has lessened some.  Remember, it's only school.  What do those teachers know anyway?  

 

Follena - I hope your body kicks the flabby butts of those stupid, no-brained viruses.

 

havehope - heart whelming children's movies can provide a surprisingly effective lift. I hope you're feeling better after Dolphin 2 :)

 

Which brings me to Dolphin - you are an angel - there, just wanted to say it.  Even if you are a KC fan :)

 

Freckled - you're an angel too, I must say!  I hope your blood has stopped boiling - that is very painful, I hear.

 

Unwanted, Cupcake, and Butter - big hugs to you from moi ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

 

Abandoned - your descriptions are priceless.  I hope you wrung that dang towel out.

 

As for me, well, I haven't been feeling well the last few days, and, of course (it's the way these things work isn't it?) another thing has happened to me just when I am at my most vulnerable.  The lady I had a date with tonight, a lady I actually like a lot, texted me that she was sick. Well, maybe she is, but, despite my standard first date plea to ladies that we just be up front and if we're not interested then let's just tell the other that WE'RE NOT INTERESTED FOR GOD's SAKE inevitably, I have found that to a woman, they cannot come out and say this sort of thing straight up.  I can't figure this out.  Help me out ladies - why is this???  Even I have no trouble saying that (and I am so conflict averse I apologize verbally to my cat if interrupt him when he's meowing).

 

What is it with the excuses and avoidance and games?  You would think people in their fifties would be beyond all this - BUT NO!!!!

 

I can't wait to date in my nineties - I'm sure everyone will act like mature adults then, won't they?

 

Anyway, feeling lonely, like I'll never find someone and little hopeless again.  As I said, I like this crazy chick.

 

Of course, perhaps she is really sick, in which case I take all of this back.  It's just that, from my experience, she isn't.

 

Brian

I'm fine Brian, just decided to get back on meds to quite my mind a little bit. 

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Feeling good, up early to go for an oil change on my car. Off work today for my B-day ( 45th ) can't believe how the years have flown by. I'm going to be " present " for the rest of them.

haaaaaaaapppppppy birthday to youuuuuuu

happy birthday to youuuuuuu

happy birthday to ((insert name here))

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUU

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(((((Cally))))) I hope you are able to get more than numbness out of life. Do you think it could be time to discuss new meds?  I know you will have thought about this, but I toss it out anyway :)

 

Abandoned - I do know it's about me and that I have to become my own rock.  Most of the time I think I can do it.  It's when I'm feeling rejected that these feelings come up.  It will pass.  It's just too that it's happening at a very precarious time for me - being unsure I can get through my work day with my sanity intact anymore.  It all just feels overwhelming right now.

 

All of that said, I need to be the "home" that I long for.  I think I can do it. I've already made great strides in that area.  It's just a bad time.  Thanks bud!

 

Thank you, sal. It's definitely time for a new medication, but the psychiatrist I see is out sick until the end of the month. The one covering for him doesn't return my call for 3  days. Again, I feel stuck. I don't want to go to a walk-in crisis center, because I'm not really in crisis, but really, I can't wait until the end of the month to see someone.

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I am very mad at myself. I'm at the point of nearly shaking from being so upset.

My husband's grandparents have never met me in person, but because they saw on Facebook that I am an atheist, they've completely lost it and not only come out to insult me on numerous occasions, but refuse to get to know the person over the monster they've made me out to be. I've dealt with it for so long without snapping, and today they decided to cut all ties with me (limited as they were).

I'm just upset with myself, but I know that it wasn't me who caused the conflict in this situation. I only hope that one day we will meet in person and they will see that I am not who they have already decided to paint me as.

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My husband's grandparents have never met me in person, but because they saw on Facebook that I am an atheist, they've completely lost it and not only come out to insult me on numerous occasions, but refuse to get to know the person over the monster they've made me out to be. I've dealt with it for so long without snapping, and today they decided to cut all ties with me (limited as they were).

 

 

  1. Why are you so upset with yourself?  For being an atheist or because of the way they are treating you?
  2. I know it may be hard but you do not need people like that in your life right now.
  3. Hold fast to your convictions.
  4. It is their loss, they will either come to their senses or be embarrassed when they meet you face to face.
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