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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread


Ixeua

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Christina - fantastic news on the job, I'm so happy for you.

--

Feeling hopeless & a little afraid. I've gotten slack again with the eating & barely slept the last couple of nights. I'm nauseous from lack of sleep. No idea how I'm going to get brekky in. There's very little in the fridge anyhow. I'm afraid of this nerve (or muscle?) pain I'm in, which happens when I don't eat.

Losing my grip again, I think. I'm still intensely sad & the despair is setting in. Just can't seem to muster my fight. Sorry guys. Way to lift the mood :-( Sorry.

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 Had some flashbacks today about my parents passing as well as some of my best friends.  Spilled a few tears.  I don't think you can ever put a time limit on grieving.  I feel almost as much grief now than after their initial passing.  Can't seem to get closure on this and move on.  I miss them so and feel a part of me went with them.  I'm hoping when I start with the new therapist I just did intake for, he will be able to help me with my continual grieving and PTSD.  I just feel sad.

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So after sharing a little too much emotional and personnal information with people I shouldn't have, I ended up finding comments about myself that were made to ridicule me by saying that I act "feminine" in derogatory remarks that I probably shouldn't repeat over here. I didn't over do it because I kept most of my emotional stuff to myself and just talk "normal" to them for the most part, 95% of the time. But I think the comments were made because the person was afraid I would say too much again at some point. Maybe wrong place to speak again. But maybe I'll give them a chance by keeping all my problems to myself to make sure this never ever happens again. Maybe it's hard for someone to hear the things I say, and maybe I am the bad guy and they are the victims, by having to hear my emotional bit of information that they shouldn't have to hear. I know there's a line that's drawn on what I could and can't say, but sometimes this happens.

 

I didn't think what I said was a problem. But if it was, I'll just keep everything to myself, put that smile back on my face, and I'll just come back here if I need to get anything off of my chest. So regardless of whether I'm the bad guy or not, I just said I recognize that maybe I shouldn't have poured my heart out so much. So now I don't owe them anything anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Dear abandoned and Els1e

 

I am heartbroken about your current perspective, guys,  I think that both of you provide so much to us. I also think that both of you have great trouble seeing just how amazing you are.  I wish I could snap my fingers and make you see this - what I can see so clearly - what all of us on here can see.  You have to see it for yourselves.  I know heart and caring and empathy when I see it, and I see it in you two in spades! I am sure you two will, in time, see yourselves truthfully!!  After all, a thing of beauty is a joy forever, as Johnny Keats wrote.  You are things of beauty.  I hope you accept that responsibility and can overcome what has hurt you in the past.  Because, you know, the past is done, over, gone, done with.  It's trite to say it, be we can overcome.  You are NOW and you both are brilliant!  I love you guys.  I am torn apart by hearing that you r hurting!!!

 

:hugs:

 

Brian

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I'm tired.  Ready to head to bed soon.  Today was a gloomy day.  Rained on and off all day.  The forecast says it'll be like that all weekend.

 

My mom just told me she wants to do something together tomorrow.  I'm not sure what we'll do.  I'm still wiped out with this respiratory virus.  We may just stay at home and play a game together.  Now we're both into very simple life styles.  The quality time means more than the activity.

 

Good night all.  Hope everyone feels better.

 

JJ

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Dear abandoned and Els1e

 

I am heartbroken about your current perspective, guys,  I think that both of you provide so much to us. I also think that both of you have great trouble seeing just how amazing you are.  I wish I could snap my fingers and make you see this - what I can see so clearly - what all of us on here can see.  You have to see it for yourselves.  I know heart and caring and empathy when I see it, and I see it in you two in spades! I am sure you two will, in time, see yourselves truthfully!!  After all, a thing of beauty is a joy forever, as Johnny Keats wrote.  You are things of beauty.  I hope you accept that responsibility and can overcome what has hurt you in the past.  Because, you know, the past is done, over, gone, done with.  It's trite to say it, be we can overcome.  You are NOW and you both are brilliant!  I love you guys.  I am torn apart by hearing that you r hurting!!!

 

:hugs:

 

Brian

Thank you so much Brian, you have no idea how much your words lift me up. I'll be ok. Its night time so I have a bit of a break from my own head right now. Much love back to you.

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Dear abandoned and Els1e

I am heartbroken about your current perspective, guys, I think that both of you provide so much to us. I also think that both of you have great trouble seeing just how amazing you are. I wish I could snap my fingers and make you see this - what I can see so clearly - what all of us on here can see. You have to see it for yourselves. I know heart and caring and empathy when I see it, and I see it in you two in spades! I am sure you two will, in time, see yourselves truthfully!! After all, a thing of beauty is a joy forever, as Johnny Keats wrote. You are things of beauty. I hope you accept that responsibility and can overcome what has hurt you in the past. Because, you know, the past is done, over, gone, done with. It's trite to say it, be we can overcome. You are NOW and you both are brilliant! I love you guys. I am torn apart by hearing that you r hurting!!!

:hugs:

Brian

Aw Brian, you're such an amazing person. Thank you so much for saying that. It made me teary in a really good way. I had to wipe my eyes to finish it. I mean yeah, extremely hard to see any of that in me, but I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. You're so kind. I love you & everyone here also. I'm so immensely grateful for you guys.

Sorry to worry you :(. Mornings are my toughest time. I have managed to drag myself out of my self-pity wallow pool enough to eat a good lunch. Currently sipping on vile, corn-syrupy liquid food (err I need to stop bagging it, it keeps me alive - maybe think like Dr Strangelove "How I learned to stop worrying & love...liquid food" :D), to make up for breakfast. Thanks again bud ((((((hugs)))))))

Edited by Els1e
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Confused.  I've been reading the news again.  I could go on and on about all that seems wrong in this world...not to mention my own minuscule piece of it.  I find the more I think and ponder, the more senseless everything becomes.     

yeah. i went through a period of being deeply concerned about every horrible thing going on in the world now, and it got to be just too much. i eventually had to stop looking at the news and just focus on my life, it was bringing too much negativity, and for the most part there is nothing i can do about those macro events

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Yes, PO, but there's also this. News media rarely report what is right or good in the world. 

True. To get real news that isn't carefully shaped by the corporate/government interests, you have to go to independent news sites like AlterNet and Salon, etc. who are reporting what is really happening. There are places online you can search to find less-biased or unbiased independent news sources that aren't funded by governments or corporations

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So after sharing a little too much emotional and personnal information with people I shouldn't have, I ended up finding comments about myself that were made to ridicule me by saying that I act "feminine" in derogatory remarks that I probably shouldn't repeat over here. I didn't over do it because I kept most of my emotional stuff to myself and just talk "normal" to them for the most part, 95% of the time. But I think the comments were made because the person was afraid I would say too much again at some point. Maybe wrong place to speak again. But maybe I'll give them a chance by keeping all my problems to myself to make sure this never ever happens again. Maybe it's hard for someone to hear the things I say, and maybe I am the bad guy and they are the victims, by having to hear my emotional bit of information that they shouldn't have to hear. I know there's a line that's drawn on what I could and can't say, but sometimes this happens.

 

I didn't think what I said was a problem. But if it was, I'll just keep everything to myself, put that smile back on my face, and I'll just come back here if I need to get anything off of my chest. So regardless of whether I'm the bad guy or not, I just said I recognize that maybe I shouldn't have poured my heart out so much. So now I don't owe them anything anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry this happened. To me this clearly seems like this person just could not handle what you were saying/doesn't know how to deal with emotions. It's their issue, not yours. There are people you can talk to who do understand, but there are some people who are just going to have unhelpful reactions and yeah I wouldn't share with that person anymore after they did something like this.

And what a jerk for using gender-based slurs. 

Hugs to you

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Wondering why I always cause myself so much pain. I feel like an addict who just cant stop beating himself down.

I feel the same way, AA.... I feel like my negative thinking patterns just perpetuate my state of depression. I think it's all a part of the depression. A friend of mine from here sent me this excerpt on depression that I found very helpful. It seems to capture the essence of a lot of depressed thinking -- I'm particularly stuck on #6 in my own thinking & #8 since I am an escapist: 

 

6. During depression, remember that your brain goes on a bad-memory hunt, looking for old memories to torture you. Be prepared to relive or re-feel old hurts, old doubts, old guilt, and old sorrows. Be curious about what memory files the brain selects rather than focus on those memories. You can expect your brain to constantly replay the video tape (your "worst hits" tape) of your life. You'll feel guilty for things you did as a child, mistakes you made ten years ago, etc. You'll live in the past as long as the depression remains. It may interest you to know that as the serotonin level increases, the "past" returns to the past as a memory - not a torture. 

7. As your brain tortures you, it may "lock on" horrible thoughts. You may feel you have a terminal disease. You may become preoccupied with guns, evil thoughts, etc. Often, individuals feel they are somehow contaminated by a killer disease, fearing they will pass it to their family. One husband brought his wife in for treatment when she began fixing breakfast in a surgical mask and rubber gloves! In other depressed situations, people become obsessed with other issues, almost always "the road not taken". Often viewed as mid-life crisis, a straight-laced businessman now wants a Harley and a tattoo while another individual begins suddenly thinking about a past sweetheart. In almost all of these situations, the individual acts totally out of character. 

8. All depressed folks look for escapes. Common methods of trying to escape depression are excessive alcohol use, drugs, sexual relationships, changing jobs, etc. A lot of good marriages are lost during these times as the spouse of the depressed partner hears "I've got to have space" or "I've got to get away and find myself!" You'll find these escapes don't work. These methods only complicate your depression and your recovery. Best bet - don't make changes, just get to a professional.

 

This was really apt, to my chagrin. I made a topic related to this in another forum on DF.

http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/112514-the-bad-future-thought-machine/#entry1219928

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Haven't slept much lately due to having to complete obligations without much time. This is probably affecting me mentally since I had to deal with crying episodes after I woke up for 2 days in a row. I had to deal with the "bad future thought machine" (see post in D. Central) starting up today, and a lot of really distressing mental imagery which I haven't seen in a while, which I managed to get it to stop. It took a while and today I had to take a nap after my energy was drained out by crying, but I did manage to get my meditation done and stop crying.
I have been in a pressure cooker for 6 days now with no time off and no leisure time, and I still have several days left.
Just feeling tired and somewhat blasé about everything. Hoping I can succeed. Because I don't want to have to deal with the self-loathing if I don't.

Edited by stardreamer
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I took a downtime day yesterday.  I watched my grand babies in the morning so their mom could go to the doctor but after that I came home and slept for four hours.  It was delicious.  I guess the funeral activities wore me out some.  I responded to a couple of texts from people who were concerned but I didn't talk to anyone.  I have this friend who has been really good to me over the years.  She always shows up for me.  Lately I have been annoyed by her texts, which always seem to demand a response.  I'm not sure if it makes any sense or not but she'll send me a text saying are you working, or are you awake (she knows I work night shift), and I'll answer her and then nothing else from her.  Does that seem odd or am I just being strange about it?  I assume, if she asks me if I'm working and I say no it's because she wants to talk and will then call me.  Anyway, I got one of those are you awake texts yesterday and just didn't respond.  She recently got custody of her grand son and I know it's been difficult for her but I sometimes feel like she just calls me to dump her stuff.  I had to cut her off the other day while she was complaining about taking her grand son to the doctor to tell her my niece died.  I feel selfish about doing so but I also feel somewhat protective of myself right now.  

 

I'm just rambling here but I am trying to sort out the difference between relationships in which I've adapted to the role of being the person who others call with problems and how to let them know that I've had my share of difficulties lately and can't go there with them.  Do you ever just want to scream that yes, you are home, you are relaxing after a trying time and this does not mean available to help you.  It means I am doing my finger nails, taking a bubble bath, watching mindless television and eating chocolate so back off?  Ha.   

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Sad.

I got scolded badly for not "trying" or "studying". Honestly, I feel like my efforts are going to waste. Nobody ever recognizes the effort I put in, especially if we're comparing the past and present. I'm sorry I'm not like your other students who can mug all day all night, or be able to understand concepts fast or have the motivation to excel. I'm just....done.

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So after sharing a little too much emotional and personnal information with people I shouldn't have, I ended up finding comments about myself that were made to ridicule me by saying that I act "feminine" in derogatory remarks that I probably shouldn't repeat over here. I didn't over do it because I kept most of my emotional stuff to myself and just talk "normal" to them for the most part, 95% of the time. But I think the comments were made because the person was afraid I would say too much again at some point. Maybe wrong place to speak again. But maybe I'll give them a chance by keeping all my problems to myself to make sure this never ever happens again. Maybe it's hard for someone to hear the things I say, and maybe I am the bad guy and they are the victims, by having to hear my emotional bit of information that they shouldn't have to hear. I know there's a line that's drawn on what I could and can't say, but sometimes this happens.

 

I didn't think what I said was a problem. But if it was, I'll just keep everything to myself, put that smile back on my face, and I'll just come back here if I need to get anything off of my chest. So regardless of whether I'm the bad guy or not, I just said I recognize that maybe I shouldn't have poured my heart out so much. So now I don't owe them anything anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I'm sorry this happened. To me this clearly seems like this person just could not handle what you were saying/doesn't know how to deal with emotions. It's their issue, not yours. There are people you can talk to who do understand, but there are some people who are just going to have unhelpful reactions and yeah I wouldn't share with that person anymore after they did something like this.

And what a jerk for using gender-based slurs. 

Hugs to you

 

No it's my fault not theirs. Because I should know better to keep my mouth shut to avoid feeding certain words or sentences to the jerks so that they could open season on me.

 

If I make a mistake and they bring me down, shame on them. If I repeat that same mistake without knowing how to stop and they bring me down again, shame on me. It is impossible to avoid judgments at all times. But knowing how to keep people quiet is crucial because a huge part of my mental health depends on it.

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