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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread


Ixeua

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I am constantly sexually harassed at work and I can't stick up for myself. I'm so uncomfortable all the time but I already have the habit of laughing it off or pretending I didn't hear. Makes me physically sick. I don't know how to set boundaries or make people stop because I'm used to always accommodating every one else's feelings...

Hi there mzungu, so very sorry you are dealing with that! How completely awful. I have been there myself and know exactly what that feels like. You can report this to the human resources department or HR representative if you have one in your company... Sexual harassment is NOT OK to have to deal with at work, there are boundaries that can be created, and people can and should get in trouble for this kind of lewd behavior. Definitely do not worry about these people's feelings -- they should be concerned about yours! And they're not. It's sometimes very hard to confront all on your own, I know, but typically there are people set up in companies to help intervene with issues such as this.. please do seek out some sort of support within your company, & it can be done privately... you certainly do not have to put up with this and shouldn't have to!! Keep us posted... best wishes and warm hugs :hugs:, havehope

Edited by havehope
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Realreason - yes, i feel disgusted very often at humanity. This extreme revulsion. I think it's why I often prefer staying inside with a book or a movie. I find it really hard to enjoy things like buildings or museums or anything much when they're packed with humans. Yes, I'm a total misanthrope.

 

Thank you Dolphin for your kindness. I've been vague about what I did but let's just say I have been 'self medicating'. It can feel very wonderful but of course it's not for long and ultimately it will have a negative effect on my mood. I'm getting away from Englan for three months and going to a country where I would never be able to buy anything on the street and even if i could i would be too scared because laws are so strict. I hope that when I get back I can stay on the straight and narrow.

 

Just occasionally though I have this weird exhiliration about heading towards oblivion. It's not  a proper self harm thought but just a kin of fantasy.

 

Take care all.

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Three birthdays coming up within the next two weeks. It just makes me feel horrible about my future, and guilt(?) about these specific lives I'm sure my depression has affected.

So, not feeling so good. Really I'm in a mood where I'm trying to pinpoint all my faults and saying "Yes, you are." Besides this being a universal symptom of depression (the self-loathing) the good news is that I can't (because of my muddy memory, but still) remember a time pre-mental illness where I've felt like I lacked empathy and have been annoyed by the people in my everyday life, so it's reassuring to me that *this* ([my imaginary feelings of] being an unempathetic person) can be fixed.

I don't want to feel like an awful person for any longer.

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Pretty much a cruddy day. Frustration and anger over a problematic rental car return. They say I scratched it, I told them I didn't do it and could not prove it. One agent was good, the other one was nasty. A friend was picking me up to take me home and he, as he often is, was not sympathetic and told me I was in the wrong, and of course, he would have never done that and would have taken pictures of the car as he rented it... on and on how he would have never let this happen to him, as he does everything right.

 

Really got me angry, anxious over the problem and of course I obsess over it.

 

A friend who I enjoyed riding with to church and to church choir up and decided to move to Florida. Another lady who I knew and admired died this AM. Slowly people are leaving me..

 

Just feeling off kilter tonight. Thanks for listening.

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Went to sleep late, woke up late.  Starting to deal with chronic pain issues due to arthritis I think.  Having this pain, oddly, has me focused on that than my depression.  Still seeking a new therapist.  My doc said he might have found one which might be a good fit.  I know I need to go back to therapy.  Been way to long.  

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I ran out of the Emsam patches I use 11 days before I can refill because they wouldn't stick. They're probably $45 each patch and I can't afford to pay that. I know my insurance won't pay for more so I'm going through withdrawals. I can't get into see my psych until later this week.

 

Also, I'm a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding this weekend. It's a 2 day wedding, plus the rehearsal, nails, hair, pictures...etc.. I am so overwhelmed that I feel nauseous and I've cried over it. The dress doesn't fit me, because I'm a cow who can't stop eating, and I'm going alone because I'm unlovable. I talked to my aunt tonight and she said "maybe you'll meet a guy there." That hurt, because I know this is very unlikely and I'm sick of being judged by others because I don't have a boyfriend.

 

I really don't want to be alive.

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Sad again...tomorrow is an appointment with the psychiatrist to hopefully change my meds or remove them or add them, I don't know. I just hope it works because I really don't feel like I can handle this sadness every day. It's becoming unbearable. I do have little hope that any medicine will help me but at least a little hope is more than nothing.

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I socialized a lot this weekend and tbh, for the most part I don't think I sounded like a weirdo or a creep. I said things that felt right.

Now onto finding a way to help rid me of these thoughts that I'm a no good you know what.

 

Is it possible for you to say "STOP" or use a rubber band on your wrist when you have some negative thoughts about yourself and maybe use some humor to shove the negative thoughts out of your brain and into the trash?

 

(((Hugs)))

 

 

I tried the rubber band thing once, Brett Favre said he had used that method before...my wrist was raw in about 30 mins and all the hair on my arm was gone after an hour and a half.  :boredsmiley:

 

 

Well, I'll never suggest that again!! OUCH!!

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I managed to get through registering the kids for school with minimal anxiety tonight. Also worked some more on my art project. Wish I could say I feel good but I don't really feel well physically or mentally tonight. Probably time for bed.

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Pess - I'm sorry for the back pain, back pain sucks, it's the worst. And ouch on the rubber band. Moderation! lol

Freckled - that's great, that you got thru the school registrations & the pain is more manageable atm. I'm sorry you're down. I hear you :-(

Christina - aw it's good you're recognising the eating disorder & it sounds like you're getting on top of it. I had a bit of an irrational ED years ago, OCD-related. I started restricting (thought food was harming me & causing me to lose weight). With me, I just had to break out of the ED cycle, practice a sort of CBT & just force it down. It eventually went away.

Budfox - chat info is here http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/109671-scheduled-weekly-chat-2/page-5#entry1205375

Think I'm getting a bit of the chronic fatigue back. My exhaustion levels just aren't normal. Maybe they are (just lack-of-sleep tired). Maybe I'm being a hypochondriac. Tired of being tired though. Just got a sleeping pill script, hopefully I'll feel human again tomorrow.

Got a bad case of the sads today as well. Life is just ugh :-(.

Have to meet the niece tomorrow. She's always calling me to meet her but she has a bad habit of last minute plan changes & cancelling on me. I'm going to strangle her (err not literally, although I may come close lol) if she does it again.

Sorry for everyone who's suffering.

Edited by Els1e
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Frustrated. I feel like I can't take care of my cat as well as I should and having to causes more stress than I can handle currently. But I can't find anyone who wants her, all the shelters I've contacted are full (though one put me on a list and promised to contact me "in the future" if they get room), it was even suggested to me that I take her to a vet and put her down. But I refuse to do that, I'm not ******* a beautiful, perfectly healthy cat for such a selfish reason, so I'm stuck with her for now.

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Anxious about meeting with my psychiatrist today. Need to make some kind of change, because the heavy depression and suicidal ideation has come back after a few months on sertraline. Afraid of change, afraid people are just going to think I'm making excuses, afraid people won't believe me. Need to get this appointment over with.

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I am terrified and in an awful position.

 

I hate saying this here because I'm so ashamed but I need some support badly, or just knowing that you guys are there and reading, even if you don't reply.

 

I was completely drug free all through my 20s and early 30s. I HATED drugs and for a long time wouldn't drink or take antidepressants even though I needed them so badly. I was in hospital one time for 3 weeks and the ward was so noisy that I couldn't sleep. But I refused sleeping tablets.

 

For various reasons all that changed. Basically I got such bad anxiety and depression that I needed benzos for the anxiety and a mild stimulant (Cylert which is banned in the UK but I wasn't in the US) for the depression. To get me through the working day.

 

Well after that I became less afraid of drugs. Not only that but the stimulant made me feel so good (compared to my constant depression - it was never not there, it just varied by degree) that i sought out a stronger prescription one (dexamfetamine). I kind of abused it but eventually I realised it was becoming a problem and I stopped. I haven't used it in months.

 

But recently I went to Las Vegas for EDC music festival and I did one of the stupidest things ever. I tried illegal drug and it felt amazing. I don't know why I did it, I really don't. In my 20s I had been offered it so many times at parties and always turned it down. But this time I didn't.

 

Then when I returned to England by chance I met someone who could get very pure illegal drug and I bought some. I think from the first time I tried it, it changed my brain and even after one use it was enough to make me think about it a lot and crave it.

 

So I bought some illegal drug thinking I would use it once every six months at parties or something. I did one line to test it out but one line turned into a multiday binge. I felt terrible after, severe depression for a week. But before I finished using the first batch I bought a second (I know how stupid I am). When the depression kicked in I flushed the second batch down the toilet (about £250 worth). I was proud of myself.

 

But then I bought more once the depression cleared up. Again a binge followed.

 

After that I went abroad with my girlfriend and didn't use for 10 days. I had no problems not using but I still thought about coke. When I got back home I bought more, again telling myself I was just stocking up on the good stuff for future parties or whatever. But, surprise, surprise, I ended up using it every day. And that brings us to today. Now I'm an addict. I'm at the beginning of the addiction, just a couple of weeks into it but I'm still an addict.

 

My plan was to go and join my gf in the country she's living in (very far away - we are getting married soon but for now are long distance), flying out on Sunday. In that country I will have zero access to drugs and even if I could get them I would never dare. I will be staying there for 3 months, enough time to get completely clean and for the cravings to reduce a bit.

 

I work as a lawyer, on a contract basis. I didn't have ANY work for the last 6 weeks but now I have been given lots. Also I will have to be in my home city for another week so can't fly out for a week. I'm going to have a lot of work to do, which would be great normally, but when I stop taking coke after a binge I have a week long severe depression. I'm talking catatonic, barely able to move or speak.

 

I don't know how I'm going to function. This sounds so awful but I think I might need to keep taking the illegal drug until I go abroad. I don't want to but I don't think I can stop. When I leave this country I will stop because I will have no choice.

 

I could flush it away (a waste of hundreds of pounds but fine) but if I do that I don't think I will be fine. I will have to go through about a week of intense, demanding work while having withdrawals.

 

I'm so screwed. I feel like I've wrecked my whole life with my stupidity. I hate myself and I can't see a way out.

 

My gf is so tough but she has been under horrible stress and is now clinically depressed herself (I never thought it could happen to her). I need to support her fully and not give her anything to worry about with me so I can't talk to her about this. I don't care about myself anymore, I just want her to be ok. And I want to be able to support her financially so she can quit her horrible job with her horrible boss. I need to do all this but I'm a damn coke addict after just a couple of weeks and I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

 

Sorry for the long post, I'm just really desperate.

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Hey budfox - firstly - you are not stupid.  The fact is, you are sick (as we all are).  Self medicating is what many, most of us do here.  I would bet that you weren't depressed back in the day when you could so easily turn down everything??  Just a guess.  WE SEEK RELIEF FROM OUR OWN MINDS.  The big D can be chronic and it beats us down.  Seeking relief is what depression forces on us.  So, please, let's get past the blaming yourself.  Please, bud :) ?

 

Now, on to what to do.  I'm not a pro, and maybe someone here will say that this is a bad idea, however, here is what I would say off the top.  Try to do the law work one day without the "substance".  Then, try another day.  If you can't function, use the substance in modest amounts until you get the work done and can go see your girl.  When you get there, be open with her on what is happening with you (you will likely be depressed and she will deserve some kind of explanation).  After that, use her and use us to help you not go back on it, if you can.  By adding to your depression, it will all end badly.  It really will. I know it's not easy and not your fault but you have got to try, as not trying likely means it's over.  

 

Now, where things get complicated is when a part of us may want things to be over.  To that I just would say that there is happiness in the future to live for.  Again, it is the depression that is telling you otherwise.  And depression is a big fat liar!

 

Hoping for the best for you bud!! :)

 

Cheers

 

Brian

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I am sitting at work actively planning out what work I need to do and what work I should leave until next week when my boss is back so I don't have nothing to do when he is here.  It is a tad slow right now LOL.

 

I had a deep and long sleep last night.  I've noticed that I have had more energy and the symptoms I was having seem to be mostly gone (sore throat, vertigo, nausea, stomach issues, etc.).  It's been 8 months but I've been feeling better. Maybe the virus has been conquered?  On the other hand, maybe it's just that my boss has been away and it has been slow and I have stopped looking for a woman and stress is, therefore, much less?  I don't know, but I am enjoying it.  As a result of feeling better physically, I have been OK mentally too.

 

Cheers, everyone!

 

Brian

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