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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread


Ixeua

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I guess I would really appreciate a couple of you saying I'm still welcome in this thread, even though I put myself in this state through messing around with druqs. I'm so deeply ashamed. But if I'm not welcome I won't take it badly.

 

Of course you are welcome (though I'm not a moderator). I, too, have subjected myself to substances that I shouldn't have. I know all about self-inflicted depression. I have some kind of self-destructive desire to keep myself in an altered reality, induced by chemicals. It's stupid, but there it is.

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At the moment, not doing so bad. I got up this morning and showered (small success).  Pain level is still high but I'm trying to solider on. I have a few errands I need to run later and then I want to clean out closets.

 

Sending wishes to all for a peaceful day.

 

Gah! Cleaning out closets. :( My place is such a disorganized mess right now. There's still stuff in containers from when I moved over a year ago. I'm on vacation this week, so I should be working on the clutter. But I just can't bring myself to do it. I did clean the bathroom though--a job I really don't mind at all.

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I guess I would really appreciate a couple of you saying I'm still welcome in this thread, even though I put myself in this state through messing around with druqs. I'm so deeply ashamed. But if I'm not welcome I won't take it badly.

As JD said you are welcome here. No one on this forum is perfect.

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I guess I would really appreciate a couple of you saying I'm still welcome in this thread, even though I put myself in this state through messing around with druqs. I'm so deeply ashamed. But if I'm not welcome I won't take it badly.

 

Of course you are welcome (though I'm not a moderator). I, too, have subjected myself to substances that I shouldn't have. I know all about self-inflicted depression. I have some kind of self-destructive desire to keep myself in an altered reality, induced by chemicals. It's stupid, but there it is.

 

 

If you weren't welcome and we weren't caring and concerned, I wouldn't have reminded you about the PM.  :sigh:   So delete some messages and PM when you get a chance.  Or just keep posting here...either way as long as you continue to talk and work through it.  

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Thank you so much JD4010, AbandonedAlways and PessimOptimist. It means a LOT. I didn't want to admit what I'd done on here because it's just incredibly stupid. At least when I suffered terrible depression before I could feel that I'd been dealt a harsh hand and was doing my best to cope. But this time, it's just sheer stupidity and recklessness.

 

And I now accept fully that somebody with my neurochemistry shouldn't be messing around with drugs, period. Or even too much alcohol. Some people can handle it but I can't. I just really hope that this is going to let up after a few days because at the moment it's staggeringly bad. I just have to hang in there.

 

Ok, going forward I'm going to try to stop focusing on myself and actually address what other people are posting on here. It seems like quite a few of us are going through horrible times. It absolutely sucks. Whenever I go outside (which isn't much) I feel like a complete alien. People are smiling and joking and talking about light things but enjoying it, just looking like they're happy and enjoying life. And I feel absolutely dead inside, worse than dead. I can't relate to humanity at all at the moment, well except the people on DF. I've had to interact with a few people today and I could barely get through each encounter. It was excruciating. I'm so glad I'm not working at the moment, I just wouldn't be able to handle it at all. I so badly need to get back into a good, healthy routine. I look at where I was a few months ago (getting up early, going for 10-15km runs every morning, doing a lot of writing, spending lovely time with my gf and generally feeling good about life) and can't believe where I am right now, trapped in this hell.

 

And on top of that so angry at my so called 'best friend' who I have listened to for hours drone on about his stupid problems, always making myself available however busy I was, but who is now not having anything to do with me. I place no value in friendship anymore, zero. Family and my gf, those are the only people I trust. And DF of course.

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budfox - You are always welcome on here, and more than that, you are appreciated.  Most of us on here have over-indulged - in fact, it is a symptom of depression.  Self-medication!  You were likely seeking relief.  You are not at fault!!!  Please give yourself a break on the guilt front.

 

Brian

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It seems by the end of the week I am fed up an exhausted.  I am supposed to go down to the Pan Am Games tonight (they are in Toronto right now) and I don't want to.  I'm beat.  But, my girl, Donna, wants to see me and I love her so I will go.  I will sleep on the bus!

 

I'm going to force myself to write a bit and go for a bike ride before I go.  Just about the last things I want to do, but I know I will feel better about myself if I do them.

Cheers

 

B

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Thank you sal. I could almost cry at the responses from those of you saying I'm still welcome here. I always felt extremely welcome here UNTIL I did stupid things, and then I wasn't sure. But, yes, I think there's something in what you said about self medicating. I feel like even at my best on antidepressants I still have low level depression and anhedonia. And that's at my BEST. To feel completely normal or better than normal, I can only achieve by running (sometimes), sex or drugs. I was prescribed dexamfetamine for ADD and, wow, it made me feel so wonderful. For the first time in years I had tonnes of energy, motivation, amazing mood, confidence, ambition. It made me into an extrovert, into the person I wish I could be. Until the crash, which gave me the exact opposite symptoms and this horrendous depression.

 

It doesn't work and now I accept that I may never be as happy as most people out there but as long as I have tolerable depression and can take pleasure in things, that's good enough. I'm not setting my sights that high any longer and I'm ok with that. Much better that than feeling great for a short while then crashing down into hell afterwards.

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It seems by the end of the week I am fed up an exhausted.  I am supposed to go down to the Pan Am Games tonight (they are in Toronto right now) and I don't want to.  I'm beat.  But, my girl, Donna, wants to see me and I love her so I will go.  I will sleep on the bus!

 

I'm going to force myself to write a bit and go for a bike ride before I go.  Just about the last things I want to do, but I know I will feel better about myself if I do them.

Cheers

 

B

Good for you sal. I really admire people who get out and do things even though they don't feel like it. Too many times I choose to crawl under the covers and hide there instead. And it doesn't do any good, of course. As soon as I feel just a little better I'm going to follow your example and start exercising and getting out there and doing things.

 

Edit: Actually I just googled it and the PanAm games looks really cool. I'm sure you'll end up having a really good time.

Edited by budfox
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I find it a little odd to list how I feel at the moment; because, how I feel changes by the minute.  Though I never slip into any sort of deep depression or suffer anxiety attacks anymore; my mind still tends to flip flop emotionally at times.  I'm self aware enough to know that this isn't the result of any mental illness; more so, my frustrating personality type.  People like my tend to rely on various forms of therapy throughout our lives, due to the complex nature of our mind.  It's equivalent to having to diametrically opposing personalities crammed into one skull and letting them go at it on a daily basis.  There are times when my mind seems content with what is happening in my life or at the moment; but, from time to time, it can become heavily conflicted to the point where I find myself excessively contradicting myself.  I contradict myself; but, those contradictions remain the truth in my mind; because, both ideas represent a part of me.  A normal mind tends to reason away and settle on ideas that make an individual feel comfortable; where my mind seems to perpetually reject itself.

It is why people often see me laughing at something that actually offends me tremendously.  To hate something and be amused by it; and accepting that both emotions are representing you accurately.  It isn't as bad as it use to be.  At the height of the war my mind seemed to be in two completely different places simultaneously.  Now days, I simply find myself becoming complacent when I feel the conflict coming.  The distractions that I easily find, seem to hold me over long enough for the storm to pass.  Though there are days when I find myself unable to focus and when that happens, I have no choice but to confront the thoughts and emotions that are about to smash into one another like a collision of typhoons.

This morning I woke up feeling annoyed by my new dog, he was eager to drag me outside for a walk.  Then when I got back I noticed something online that set off a chain reaction within  me and I suddenly found myself overwhelmed with a dreaded feeling.  Conflicted opinions began to surface and I realized how much I have within me that is unresolved.  When you leave things unresolved for a long time, it has a tendency to come back exponentially more potent.  It would explain the elaborate and vivid dreams I have been having lately.  Clearly the conflicted feelings I've had for people in my life have built up too much and I haven't released the pressure for awhile.  You love someone profoundly and hate them at the same time.  Rationally it all makes perfect sense; but, emotionally it is stressful.

I stopped writing a year ago and people who know me have been rightfully concerned.  It is the only way I can fully express myself and if I don't do it periodically my mind becomes a bottle of chaos.

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Hi all.

I'm leaving for my dentist appointment in 20 minutes and I'm so nervous, anxious and fearful.  This is the 2nd panic attack I've had today.  I don't know how I'll get through this.

JJ

 

Just remember that you found a good dentist who has been very understanding. What are you having done today SFCG?

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Frustrated, aggravated, at my wits end :ranting: Hating my job. :verysad3: I want to throw my computer out the window & it's only ten AM. :ohmy:

 

(((( havehope ))))

 

Hang in there. If we loved our jobs they wouldn't need to pay us to do them.

 

Peace

 

Thank you, Starsea :) You're right. Guess the silver lining is at least I get paid for my pain & misery.

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I guess I would really appreciate a couple of you saying I'm still welcome in this thread, even though I put myself in this state through messing around with druqs. I'm so deeply ashamed. But if I'm not welcome I won't take it badly.

 

Of course you're welcome, budfox. Please stay if you like it here.

 

Hugs,

 Christina

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I guess I would really appreciate a couple of you saying I'm still welcome in this thread, even though I put myself in this state through messing around with druqs. I'm so deeply ashamed. But if I'm not welcome I won't take it badly.

 

Of course you're welcome, budfox. Please stay if you like it here.

 

Hugs,

 Christina

 

Thanks Christina. I definitely do like it here and want to stay. No miscreant behaviour for me from now on.

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Hi all.

I'm leaving for my dentist appointment in 20 minutes and I'm so nervous, anxious and fearful.  This is the 2nd panic attack I've had today.  I don't know how I'll get through this.

JJ

 

Just remember that you found a good dentist who has been very understanding. What are you having done today SFCG?

 

 

Hi Budfox.

 

Thanks for replying.  I had to schedule an emergency appointment to get seen today.  On Tuesday evening at dinner, I bit into a bone.  We had posole soup that night which is pork and usually hominy, but I can't eat hominy or corn anymore due to digestive issues.  I had potatoes in my soup instead.  The tooth instantly started hurting when it hit that bone.

 

This poor tooth has had quite a history of issues.  It is my furthest back upper right molar, #2 and was the first tooth I ever had a root canal done on.  The root canal was probably 2 or more years ago and at the time I had no dental insurance, so I got it done by a low cost dentist.  My current dentist says that the root canal done on that tooth was poor work.  It could've been done much better.

 

This tooth also has a crack on it in the back of the tooth.  Not sure how this happened, but my guess is clenching and grinding my teeth at night.  I felt the rough edge on it about a month ago, but it never hurt until Tuesday.

 

The doctor says that the tooth eventually needs a crown to prevent it from getting further damaged.  We may have to re-do the root canal before the crown is placed, which is called a re-treatment.  We won't know this for a couple of weeks because we need to see if the tooth settles down.  They said it's basically just bruised right now and no signs of infection.  They gave me an antibiotic to take if the tooth starts hurting more or doesn't get better in 3-4 days.  They also gave me some pain medicine.  So if it gets worse I'll start the antibiotic and call the office to let them know.  For now, no biting on it or applying pressure, which I'm already avoiding due to the pain.

 

They also said that once the tooth has settled they can smooth out the cracked spot, because right now it's sharp and hurts my tongue, but they don't want to mess with the tooth right now since it's already aggravated.

 

Thank you to everyone for your support.

 

JJ

Edited by SFChristianGirl
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Hi all.

I'm leaving for my dentist appointment in 20 minutes and I'm so nervous, anxious and fearful.  This is the 2nd panic attack I've had today.  I don't know how I'll get through this.

JJ

I remember as a kid getting high as **** on nitrous oxide and the entire room was spinning in circles around me; it was awesome.  As an adult, it isn't uncommon for me to ask to skip the drugs, so they can get the job done faster.  I don't mind the pain from the drilling; just, I question the ethics of waterboarding patients in a dental chair.

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Hi all.

 

I just want to say thank you to everyone here.  Your support has helped me get through some really tough times in the last year or so.  Especially recently with all these dental issues I'm having, it really means a lot to me to have your support, encouragement, advice and friendship.  I feel like I have a second family here.

 

Thank you all so much.

 

JJ

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I'm standing on the edge of a cliff with a strong wind at my back and I'm fighting like he!! to keep myself from going over.  Everything is just too hard and it's overwhelming me.  :coopcray: 

 

Sending (((hugs))) to all that are suffering today. :hugs:

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