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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread


Ixeua

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Had a break in the depression yesterday and went for my first run in weeks and I was able to run much further than I thought I would. The run really helped. I think it's so key for me.

 

Today I feel ok but am having a few drinks and that could send me back into the depression. I'm so stupid. When I'm down I swear I'll do everything I can to make sure it never happens again. Then when I'm fine the depression seems like it never happened and I forget how bad it is, so end up doing things (like drinking) which are more likely to precipitate another episode. I don't drink heavily and am ok most of the time with half a bottle of alcohol but sometimes it's enough to trigger an episode.

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Sad, frustrated, feel guilty. I was about to make plans to go shopping next week. But my social anxiety is acting up again. Right now I feel so anxious and can't go. Even something as simple as getting out of the house feels so scary. So now I have to try to move these plans to another day. The problem is I don't know how to say no and I feel guilty. I've been feeling like this for the past couple of days. 

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I'm going to put this date with a big circle around it and a smiley face. After sleeping sporadically last night/this morning, I was up at 6am for some unknown reason but I was in a good mood and my pain level has decreased immensely. I've been outside playing in the flowers, went for a short walk,  came inside and did another 20 minute cardio DVD and ate a healthy breakfast, taken my vitamins and already have drank 4 glasses of water. So YAY, I'm having a good morning!!

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Meisje - do you feel guilty about not following up with plans? Please try not to be too hard on yourself. I'm exactly the same, have failed to make so many outside things just because I felt too anxious. It's hard. I always feel better when I do go but getting going is really not easy. If you were feeling good, you would go out with no problems. Just do what you can and don't blame yourself for suffering from the awful diseases that is anxiety and depression.

 

Freckledface - many thanks. I do still think I'm my own worst enemy and maybe too 'greedy' sometimes. When I'm depressed all I want is to feel normal. Then when I do feel normal I want to feel even better and end up pushing the envelope sometimes with unhealthy activities. It's like I'm depressed so often that when I'm well I want to squeeze everything I can out of life. But I should be doing that in healthy ways, not drinking or smoking, etc.

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By the way, I was told something by my Mother yesterday and I wanted to know what you guys think. We don't really get on now, we can't. I think she doesn't have any feelings of love for me at all. But as a child we were SO close.

 

I know she's unhappy and she told me yesterday that if she could do things again she would choose a completely different life path. I asked her if that meant she wouldn't have any children. She said yes (i.e. she regrets having children - well child, I'm an only child). She was totally serious and she meant it, I'm sure.

 

To be honest it hurt me. She loved me so much as a kid, I thought that enough would have made deciding to have me worthwhile, but I guess not. I respect her telling me the truth and she made it clear today that it wasn't personal to me (although it's hard to accept that). But it still hurt. Do you think it's stupid to feel hurt by her comment? I don't know if I'm overreacting.

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I'm going to put this date with a big circle around it and a smiley face. After sleeping sporadically last night/this morning, I was up at 6am for some unknown reason but I was in a good mood and my pain level has decreased immensely. I've been outside playing in the flowers, went for a short walk,  came inside and did another 20 minute cardio DVD and ate a healthy breakfast, taken my vitamins and already have drank 4 glasses of water. So YAY, I'm having a good morning!!

 

WOOOHOOO!!! So happy for you! You deserve a break (ideally a permanent one).

 

- Christina

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Meisje - do you feel guilty about not following up with plans? Please try not to be too hard on yourself. I'm exactly the same, have failed to make so many outside things just because I felt too anxious. It's hard. I always feel better when I do go but getting going is really not easy. If you were feeling good, you would go out with no problems. Just do what you can and don't blame yourself for suffering from the awful diseases that is anxiety and depression.

 

Yes, I do. I'm just feeling extremely self-conscious lately and I can't snap out of it. The problem is I can't tell my friends about these anxious feeling, because I'm scared of being judged by them. I like to put up this happy front so telling them something like this is impossible. If I may ask, how do you do it? What do you tell your friends when you cancel plans? I just feel guilty because I do have the time, but still can't go and than I feel like I have to come up with an excuse that sounds reasonable. 

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To be honest it hurt me. She loved me so much as a kid, I thought that enough would have made deciding to have me worthwhile, but I guess not. I respect her telling me the truth and she made it clear today that it wasn't personal to me (although it's hard to accept that). But it still hurt. Do you think it's stupid to feel hurt by her comment? I don't know if I'm overreacting.

 

Sorry, that sucks. It's not stupid, she did basically say she wishes you weren't born, of course that hurts. I don't think you're overreacting at all.

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By the way, I was told something by my Mother yesterday and I wanted to know what you guys think. We don't really get on now, we can't. I think she doesn't have any feelings of love for me at all. But as a child we were SO close.

 

I know she's unhappy and she told me yesterday that if she could do things again she would choose a completely different life path. I asked her if that meant she wouldn't have any children. She said yes (i.e. she regrets having children - well child, I'm an only child). She was totally serious and she meant it, I'm sure.

 

To be honest it hurt me. She loved me so much as a kid, I thought that enough would have made deciding to have me worthwhile, but I guess not. I respect her telling me the truth and she made it clear today that it wasn't personal to me (although it's hard to accept that). But it still hurt. Do you think it's stupid to feel hurt by her comment? I don't know if I'm overreacting.

Uhm, YEA you have every right to be hurt by her comment!! I'm not sure if she meant it in the context of "she wasn't a very good mother or not" and that would be kind of a different situation but if she didn't specify then yea...I would be hurt and angry as well. No mother should say that to her child, regardless of age, etc. So sorry, bud :(

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I'm going to put this date with a big circle around it and a smiley face. After sleeping sporadically last night/this morning, I was up at 6am for some unknown reason but I was in a good mood and my pain level has decreased immensely. I've been outside playing in the flowers, went for a short walk,  came inside and did another 20 minute cardio DVD and ate a healthy breakfast, taken my vitamins and already have drank 4 glasses of water. So YAY, I'm having a good morning!!

 

WOOOHOOO!!! So happy for you! You deserve a break (ideally a permanent one).

 

- Christina

 

Thanks so much, Christina!!

I hope you enjoy your visit with your grandmother and your mood gets better!  :hugs:

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Thanks SenorDomino and FreckledFace. I didn't react when she said it but then went up to my room and cried (I never cry). She didn't mean that she regrets having me because she thinks she's been a bad mother. She regrets it because she would like to have led a more selfish life and done more things. I've sort of had it with her. She's not the same person I was so close to as a child and I guess I'm not the same person either. A lot of it is my fault but I was still very upset that she said that.

 

Meisje - I haven't done a good job at all. I'm incredibly isolated at the moment as far as friends go and I think some of that is that I have flaked so many times. Like you I didn't want to admit the reason why I cancelled appointments. To be honest I doubt it would make any difference if I told them. Some friends would be understanding but many wouldn't. I don't actually often make plans these days for this reason. I spend almost all of my time alone which obviously isn't good. I've adjusted the point that I actually prefer being alone but it's not healthy. I'm going to try to do a better job but at my age (37) none of my friends hang out that much anyway, they're so focused on work and wife/kids.

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Meisje - I haven't done a good job at all. I'm incredibly isolated at the moment as far as friends go and I think some of that is that I have flaked so many times. Like you I didn't want to admit the reason why I cancelled appointments. To be honest I doubt it would make any difference if I told them. Some friends would be understanding but many wouldn't. I don't actually often make plans these days for this reason. I spend almost all of my time alone which obviously isn't good. I've adjusted the point that I actually prefer being alone but it's not healthy. I'm going to try to do a better job but at my age (37) none of my friends hang out that much anyway, they're so focused on work and wife/kids.

 

Thank you for responding. It's great that you're going to try to make an effort at least. I wish you the best of luck. Hope we'll be able to get out of this situation. 

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Thanks meisje, I hope so. When I feel good I don't have any problems doing normal things like meeting friends, etc. But when I'm down it's hard enough taking a shower, let alone getting dressed, taking one or two underground trains to get there, etc. Sucks.

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I am making lots of changes in a good way.  Drinking less, getting off my butt and into the office in the morning instead of working from home, thinking better thoughts about myself, being more comfortable in my skin and situation.  That said, I still need to lead a healthier lifestyle.  With all the things I have to do, I just can't seem to prioritize exercise and eating right.  And I still have these days when I feel like I have the flu for no apparent reason.

 

Other than that, it's not too bad of late. I have a family thing today and get to see my kids. Yay!

 

Cheers,

 

Brian

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By the way, I was told something by my Mother yesterday and I wanted to know what you guys think. We don't really get on now, we can't. I think she doesn't have any feelings of love for me at all. But as a child we were SO close.

 

I know she's unhappy and she told me yesterday that if she could do things again she would choose a completely different life path. I asked her if that meant she wouldn't have any children. She said yes (i.e. she regrets having children - well child, I'm an only child). She was totally serious and she meant it, I'm sure.

 

To be honest it hurt me. She loved me so much as a kid, I thought that enough would have made deciding to have me worthwhile, but I guess not. I respect her telling me the truth and she made it clear today that it wasn't personal to me (although it's hard to accept that). But it still hurt. Do you think it's stupid to feel hurt by her comment? I don't know if I'm overreacting.

I don't think you're overreacting. Your feelings are your feelings and she probably did not mean to hurt you. Tons of things my mom said and did to me both assured me of her love for me AND let me know that she would rather I not be in her life at times. You can't have great love without great vulnerability. That's the trade-off.

Her regret at having a child may mean that if she hadn't her life would have turned out differently. And who among us hasn't had dreams like this: if I hadn't made X choice, I would be at the top of my profession; I would be an astronaut; having the most fulfilling love life imaginable...etc.

So I think it's reasonable to feel hurt by what she said to you. I don't think she said it to hurt you in a real sense, unless she was being manipulatively sadistic in some way and wanted to see you feel hurt.

:hugs:

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I'm going to put this date with a big circle around it and a smiley face. After sleeping sporadically last night/this morning, I was up at 6am for some unknown reason but I was in a good mood and my pain level has decreased immensely. I've been outside playing in the flowers, went for a short walk,  came inside and did another 20 minute cardio DVD and ate a healthy breakfast, taken my vitamins and already have drank 4 glasses of water. So YAY, I'm having a good morning!!

I am glad, glad, glad, glad, glad for you!!!

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Dolphin - thanks so much. Yes, it was exactly that type of thinking that made me want to give her the benefit of the doubt. I think she did mean it in the sense you said. The problem is we've grown so distant that it was much worse to hear than if we had been getting on fine and she'd said something like, 'I love you very much but I do sometimes wish I'd led a more selfish/hedonistic life.' I can totally understand her viewpoint but given the context of the current circumstances, it was hard to hear. I just want to avoid her at the moment.

 

Freckledface - so happy to hear you're having a good day. Life can ge good sometimes. Important we all remember it when things seem dire.

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My mom managed to turn a discussion about me cooking beans for lunch into a screaming match about how I'm apparently lazy and selfish.

She just makes up arguments to have a perceived moral high ground, I swear. Nothing I do is ever good enough, she constantly criticizes me and then makes a big show of how she's "on my side".

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I'm still feeling really awful.  I've tried and I can't get these thoughts of dental phobia and anxiety out of my head.  I've been looking online trying to research my dental problems.  I think I might be making it worse though.  Usually the research helps me feel better, but it isn't right now.

 

I looked up one of my conditions last night called 'tooth resorption'.  There is no good treatment option for this as far as I can tell.  Your options are a root canal followed by a crown or an extraction if the affected tooth is so bad that a root canal doesn't help.

 

Neither of these are good options to me.  I cannot go through another root canal or extraction, let alone 3.  I just can't.

 

I'm really stressing out.

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