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The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread


Ixeua

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It's been awhile since I last posted. Some things have changed. My daughter went to counseling once. She didn't say much, but we haven't had a huge fight lately. I did eventually give her a little bit of internet back. Still no fb or other social media. But she likes to play games and watch movies on netfli or something. Trust is a slow process to regain.

As for me. I'm not depressed. But if I thought I had the weight of the world on my shoulders before, I didnt know what the hell I was talking about. Sometimes I wonder how I don't fall to peices.

On June 26th I was at work when I had a sharp pain above my eye and then my right arm went numb. I went to the ER where they did series of tests. They ruled out all cardio and stroke possibilities. Then they did more tests. CTA and MRI shows a hemmorage on my brain that has calcified. This means its an old brain bleed. But it is pushing on a nerve, causing migraines and numbness. I also get shaking hands and forget some things sometimes. I'm seeing a neurologist and I go in two weeks to have the radiology reviewed by another doctor to assess whether I have AVM which is arteriovenous malformation. Basiclly that means just a tangle of abnormally connected arteries and veins. I'm on topamax starting tonight, so hopefully that helps with the migraines.

In the meantime, my part time job is ending august 1st. I found out my student loans I've been trying to get out of default, are indeed out of default. But apparently there is another student loan still in default. This prevents me from going back to school at the moment. So I have to keep paying on the loans I have in good standing, plus find out what loans are in default and pay them. Plus my rent increased and another small bill increased. Overall I'm obsessing on how I'm going to pay all bills, go to the doctor, and keep my goals on track. Life is anything but dull.

And if you read all that, bless you. Have a good day.

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Freckled, you are NOT a bad mom! I hope you get a good night's sleep tonight. (((Hugs)))

 

...

 

 As for me, I'm doing emotionally okay, just physically a bit "meh." I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning and hope that doesn't leave me wanting to punch trees. I am beating myself up a bit for not being more productive today, after a very productive day yesterday, but I just feel icky and tired. I'll try to give myself a break. My T appointment went very well. I mentioned DF and that I planned on staying even if remission is on its way (giant IF here). When I mentioned that someone was afraid I'd leave, I got so touched that the water works came :coopcray:

*Waves to Els1e*

 

- Christina

 

Firstly - second Christina, you are NOT a bad mum Freckled! Remember that depression screws with our ability to process guilt, so it overwhelms us. You're a fantastic person & I know for sure you're also an awesome mum. 

 

*Waves to Christina*  :smilingteeth:

 

Ah, thanks man, you're making me cry :coopcray: . Err...If you or anyone else here ever does decide to quit, could you please just white-lie to me (I'll believe it, I’m incredibly gullible) & say you’ll never, ever, ever leave DF & cross your finger behind your back lol. I suppose I could always just stick my fingers in my ears & go “lalalalalalalala” if anyone says they’re contemplating leaving.

 

I’m pretty sure I’m on the autistic spectrum in that respect - the idea of not talking with you again terrifies me  :verysad3: .

 

I don't know how I'm feeling.  Like a failure as a mother and I don't deserve to be one.  This is the second day this week my son has had off from school.  When he does go to school he doesn't eat and he wont eat breakfast so he goes all day without food.  He doesn't want to see a councellor because he's terrified of talking to people.  If I take him to the doctors he'll have to have blood tests which he is also terrified of.  He's just scared of everything and It's my fault,  I've passed it on to him and I can't handle the guilt.  All I can do is hug him and tell him I understand. 

 

I've tried talking to him about things that might be happening at school that's causing this but he swears nothing has happened and he's not being bullied.  What do I do for my poor boy.  This is destroying me.  I'm lost and so confused and I haven't cried this much in a long time. 

 

Sending hugs :hugs:  to everyone who needs them today and for those who are doing ok :thumbs-up:

 

I think about you all often and wish you all the best.

 

Aw I’m so sorry Purple :verysad3: . You are NOT at ALL a failure as a mum!!

 

It sounds like he has hypersensitivity problems, which could even be aspergers or a related condition. Kids on the autistic spectrum (or with similar conditions) have sensory issues that make them hypersensitive to everything, & the world becomes a terrifying place.

 

From what I’ve heard, hypersensitivity is getting more & more common (scarily so). But it has nothing to do with how you’re performing as a mum. It’s a genetic lottery. Incredibly extroverted & confident people also give birth to autistic & hypersensitive kids (e.g. Kathy Lette, a serious extrovert, had an autistic kid) and vice versa (i.e. nervous parents can give birth to highly extroverted, resilient children).

 

You couldn’t possibly have known how your kid was going to respond to the world before you had him. You obviously love him to bits Purple, which makes you an absolutely brilliant mum in my books.

 

I’m thinking, you could really do with a helping hand from a professional. Especially given he’s stopped eating. I think just sharing the burden, by talking it through with someone who’s trained in child psychology, would be an enormous help. Could you maybe make an appointment (on your own) with a GP and have a chat to them about what’s going on with him, & possibly get a referral to a child therapist? You could also, always go see the therapist on your own first. They should be able to advise you on how to help him, or on how to make him comfortable about going to see them.

 

Ah, I’m so sorry, it’s just heartbreaking. The little guy  :verysad3:

 

Irritable. I blame hormones - somehow, it's their fault!

 

- Christina

 

It’s always their fault, always  :smilingteeth:

 

 

Feeling inadequate...tired of feeling that I am less than enough...just never enough.

 

I often feel the same way brother. But you are enough. You do matter. And s***zz you are awesome. Sometimes I feel intelligence makes us cursed. Try to keep your head up.

 

Aw Pess, what Abandoned said, you’re nothing short of awesome. And I’m not just talking about your killer accent lol. Best of luck with the date. I can’t believe you haven’t been nervous on them previously, you must have nerves of steel. But I think that’s a good sign (the butterflies). You must like her (or the sound of her if you haven't met yet).

 

Anyway, she’s super lucky, whoever she is. 

 

Abandoned - re the intelligence curse, err sorry I keep throwing in memes (I have a self-diagnosed, out-of-control, serious meme infatuation disorder), but you're right I think & here's a 'scumbag DNA' meme to prove it... 

 

Mn9KiJZ.jpg?1

Edited by Els1e
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Just severely depressed. It lifted completely yesterday evening and I felt fine. Hoped I'd turned a corner but it's back this morning with a vengeance. Am ignoring all the negative thoughts that go along with depression because I know they don't mean anything (pls realise this PessimOptimist). Last night when the depression lifted my self esteem, hopefulness about the future, etc were all good. Now if I think about any of that stuff it's all negative but I know it's just lack of dopamine/seratonin. That's the good thing about the diurnal variation - it becomes crystal clear that this really is an illness, with a very tangible component (i.e. neurochemistry). If there's one fact (and it is a fact) about depression that I wish everybody would understand, depressed or  not, it's this. Of course the way we live, life events, stress, exercise, diet, etc can all influence neurotransmitter levels but it's the neurotransmitter levels themselves that determine whether we're clinically depressed or not.

 

I'm struggling with exercise. When I was feeling well I was running almost every day but haven't managed to go out and run yet, feeling like this. I'm sure I'll feel better in the evening so I'll try to run then. Exercise is really important but running when severely depressed isn't fun at all. Sometimes the heaviness lifts after 15 mins or so but sometimes it doesn't and every step is painful.

 

I hate this stupid illness.

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Well I missed my first therapy meeting today! I just crumbled under the pressure of having to express my true emotions and having to face them. I thought I was ready for this but obviously my balls have left me, i'm now left feeling altra low/depressed confussed and worthless. I dont know how I will make it to my flat viewings............

 

 

But sending out hugs and prayers to you all. 

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Just severely depressed. It lifted completely yesterday evening and I felt fine. Hoped I'd turned a corner but it's back this morning with a vengeance. Am ignoring all the negative thoughts that go along with depression because I know they don't mean anything (pls realise this PessimOptimist). Last night when the depression lifted my self esteem, hopefulness about the future, etc were all good. Now if I think about any of that stuff it's all negative but I know it's just lack of dopamine/seratonin. That's the good thing about the diurnal variation - it becomes crystal clear that this really is an illness, with a very tangible component (i.e. neurochemistry). If there's one fact (and it is a fact) about depression that I wish everybody would understand, depressed or  not, it's this. Of course the way we live, life events, stress, exercise, diet, etc can all influence neurotransmitter levels but it's the neurotransmitter levels themselves that determine whether we're clinically depressed or not.

 

I'm struggling with exercise. When I was feeling well I was running almost every day but haven't managed to go out and run yet, feeling like this. I'm sure I'll feel better in the evening so I'll try to run then. Exercise is really important but running when severely depressed isn't fun at all. Sometimes the heaviness lifts after 15 mins or so but sometimes it doesn't and every step is painful.

 

I hate this stupid illness.

 

Stay strong. It's actually normal for your moods to change. It's kind of like the stock market. You might have a good day or even a few in a row. Then you'll have a down day or two. But hopefully you'll notice that the trend over time is that you're feeling up more than you feel down. 

 

Exercise really helps. Keep that up if you can.

 

Peace

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So wonderfully happy to be at work, with all of the meetings, griping customers (and coworkers), insane deadlines, and unknown situations that will come along and give plenty of opportunities to screw things up. So I'm feeling greatly optimistic.

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I am tired and have a ton of things to do today.  The date went about like one would expect a first time meet and greet between two people who don't know each other at all.  I was able to make her laugh quite a bit.  She is very attractive, a bit skinnier than I typically like, LOL.  Didn't discover a lot of common ground yet other than we're both for Alabama Football (you have no idea how huge that is in this state, maybe I'll post on just that topic one day), have similar education background, and we are both single parents running our tails off.  I plan to follow up and see if she is interested in me at all.  Well I have to get back at it.  Been working from home since 6 am, have to register one kid for school at 9 and then the other kid after work this evening, etc. etc.  Don't really have time today to determine how I feel so I guess that's a good thing.     

 

Hope everyone has some good moments today. 

Edited by PessimOptimist
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PurpleStorm - I know it's hard bucking your child up when you suffer from the same things.  I go through this as well, as, I sure, many on here do.  Just know that a) it's not your fault and b) the fact that you care this much means that your a great mother. In this situations I try to give them support and advise and then take it for myself as well so we can work through these fears at the same time!  (((hugs))

 

As for me - two nights in a row no drinking; working on some interesting ideas for a more pulpy popular writing project which I plan to nail and try to publish on Kindle and hopefully make a little money (my novel has been a vanity/literary project and even if published will likely sell about 4 books (family and friends LOL); my new cat, afraid of me at first, seems to love me!; work is, well work, but I can take it; T appointment today.

 

All in all, OK.

 

Brian

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I feel like I've been walking around with egg on my face and didn't know it.  Ha.  I'm not sure if I've been thrusted back into reality, which is frightening, or if I'm departing reality, which is equally frightening.  It's like I'm looking around and seeing all of the things I let slide and wondering how long this has been going on. 

 

I took my car in to get the oil changed today.  My mechanic told me it was due in December.  I had no idea it had been that long.  Well, here's to getting it done now.

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Have an annual physical today and my anxiety level has been WAY up there for 3 days now because I have a feeling I'm going to need some testing done. I just want to stay home and curl up in a corner. I know I'll make it but it's the waiting and unknowing that's just making everything worse   :tear2:

Edited by Saraielle
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I feel ok today,im getting ready to take a ice cold shower then mediate,I have to put up some house pictures  online for the realtors in my office then study a few hours today to take my real estate exam.

Edited by scienceguy
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Royally pi**ed off. I went to the doctor's today for sinus symptoms (face pain, jaw pain, pressure in my ear, one nasal congested, dizziness, headaches, pretty much you name it). Now, I know this doctor isn't great, but I figured he would at least be able to acknowledge and treat run of the mill sinus symptoms. NOPE! He said to keep using saline, I looked fine to him, he didn't "see" any mucous  in my throat (despite constant post nasal drip that I gag on and cough out - excuse the details!). So, more feeling physically like crap.

 

 I also brought up the numbness in my thigh that has gone on for over a month, and he refused to refer me to a neurologist. I guess it's normal to lose feeling in a large portion of your thigh? Who would have thought? Note the sarcasm.

 

 It didn't help that when I walked in, another patient was giving me dirty looks and then glaring at my tattoo (Arabic script). Then, she apparently noticed my mother who also looks very Middle Eastern and has an Arabic script tattoo, and gave her the look from hell and watched her while I was in my appointment. Then she got on her phone, whispered into it, while glaring at my mother. Man, I wish I was out there. I would have gone up to her and either asked if she had a problem with my family, or just started ululating..."ALLALALALALALALALAAAA!!!" Lebanese people get sick too!

 

- Christina

Edited by neurotic_lady89
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Just severely depressed. It lifted completely yesterday evening and I felt fine. Hoped I'd turned a corner but it's back this morning with a vengeance. Am ignoring all the negative thoughts that go along with depression because I know they don't mean anything (pls realise this PessimOptimist). Last night when the depression lifted my self esteem, hopefulness about the future, etc were all good. Now if I think about any of that stuff it's all negative but I know it's just lack of dopamine/seratonin. That's the good thing about the diurnal variation - it becomes crystal clear that this really is an illness, with a very tangible component (i.e. neurochemistry). If there's one fact (and it is a fact) about depression that I wish everybody would understand, depressed or  not, it's this. Of course the way we live, life events, stress, exercise, diet, etc can all influence neurotransmitter levels but it's the neurotransmitter levels themselves that determine whether we're clinically depressed or not.

 

I'm struggling with exercise. When I was feeling well I was running almost every day but haven't managed to go out and run yet, feeling like this. I'm sure I'll feel better in the evening so I'll try to run then. Exercise is really important but running when severely depressed isn't fun at all. Sometimes the heaviness lifts after 15 mins or so but sometimes it doesn't and every step is painful.

 

I hate this stupid illness.

I agree totally, budfox. I miss the daily exercise I had when I wasn't on vacation. Yesterday I made the family take a walk. There were some hills. It helped.

I think, thanks to my meds, my neurotransmitter levels are such that they're keeping me kind of even right now.

I got a call from a scheduling nurse for follow up mammogram/ultrasound. We couldn't figure out a time and I may call back. She asked if she could leave a voicemail.

So this is something to worry about and when I let myself, I will worry, fruitlessly. I have lumpy, fibrous post-menopausal breasts. No history of breast cancer in my family (well, maybe a 2nd cousin had it, not sure). My dad died of lung cancer, but he was a life-long smoker. My mom died of a heart attack, preceded by vascular dementia and peripheral arterial disorder.

And if the lumps are cancerous, well, we'll deal with that when we know (the "we" here is my husband and me) for sure.

Today, however, we're going on an afternoon whale-watching tour in the San Diego Bay. I love boat trips and so does my son. My spouse can get seasick, so he's looking up options for how to avoid it. I anticipate fun and joy on the water!

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Tired and worn down, willfully clinging to the side of my bottomless hole, under the weight of a thousand lies, all in a effort to keep the daylight visible when I'm able to look up.  

 

:hugs: I'm sorry, Pess. I'm tired too, and ditchy. I did not forget about writing but may need a nap first, to beat something inanimate with a bat, or both.

 

- Christina

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Hey Pess and Christina - sorry for all that crap!  Hang in their dudes and dudettes!

 

Dolphin - enjoy the water.  Try to put the mammogram bit on post-vacation setting.

 

My boss hauled me into HR today to suggest that I take some time off to determine what the heck is going on with my health.  I said I have been feeling a bit better and I would prefer to keep working. I am symptomatic today - sore throat, swollen glands, extra tired - but, I find if I sneak out and nap in my car at lunch I can get by.  I've been coming into work almost everyday now.  I find  it amazing that they have this meeting now, when I've been feeling better and showing up to work.  Anyway, screw them.

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Anxious. I was just at a casual barbeque with some neighbours I barely know, they randomly invited me over which was very nice of them, just hoping my anxiety wasn't obvious.

 

 

Just woke up and feel like I got pummeled with a bat.

 

 

 

Tired and worn down, willfully clinging to the side of my bottomless hole, under the weight of a thousand lies, all in a effort to keep the daylight visible when I'm able to look up.  

 

:hugs: I'm sorry, Pess. I'm tired too, and ditchy. I did not forget about writing but may need a nap first, to beat something inanimate with a bat, or both.

 

- Christina

 

 

Aha! So it was you! ;)

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