The "how Do You Feel Right Now?" Thread

[flight]

I feel very bitter right now. I feel bitter all the time really, just to a much lesser degree some days than others, but it's always there. It's there in the background even when I'm having a laugh with someone or enjoying something on tv. Today's bitterness has to do with my 12 year old daughter. I'm giving her the best me that I got! I'm loving her as best I know how, but it seems it's not enough. I was going to elaborate on this situation when I started writing, but you know what, I don't feel like it now so to hell with it! Let God handle it! He's the all powerful one, right?

[neurotic_lady89]

Feel awful day 6 of paxil. Woke up 3am with anxiety and awful butterflies

Lying on the sofa now, watching old tv shows just to pass each hour. Millions of negative thoughts flowing through my head

:-( :-( :-(

 

(((smitchci))) I hope the start-up awful anxiety passes soon. Did your pdoc give you an anxiolytic to cope with the start-up? If not, it might be worth getting in touch with him/her, even if you are only on that prescription while your body adjusts to Paxil.

 

Hugs,

Christina

[neurotic_lady89]

Missing someone who I just met. Trying to find some peace of mind and clarity. The mental blender has begun again. My daughter is also obsessed with goldfish crackers, and I feel completely robbed of the joy of fatherhood. Beyond feeling out of control the feeling of nothingness involving my own flesh and blood is hurting me even worse inside.

 

(((Abandoned))) I am so sorry. I hate how depression takes all of the little joys away. I like to think that it is temporary, and not forever.

 

- Christina

 

P.S. Your daughter is on to something. Those little goldfish are pretty good!

[flasquish]

Pretty well but a little aprehensive, today is my last day of taking Sertraline. I might as well pull off " that bandaid " and meet my goal of being done. I'll put up with any side effects if I get any, tapering down was not too bad at all.

[neurotic_lady89]

 I feel better than earlier. This morning I was sitting with a cup of coffee at my table, and just didn't want to do a thing - not a single thing. I was very upset by all of the discontent in my life (aren't we all? unless in remission) and felt both angry and generally unhappy.

 

 Therapy went well. I talked about a lot of things with T, particularly the fact that I am not "doing" right now. I feel best when working towards a distinct goal and put immense amounts of pressure on myself to succeed. This limbo period to try to heal is a very positive thing, but sure as hell doesn't feel like it sometimes. We also discussed working, and T emphasized that I should be very selective where I apply, because she says I am very well-spoken and would likely get hired almost anywhere (and potentially hate the job). That is a compliment but difficult just the same.

 

 A man in the waiting room with severe OCD asked me out on a date. I declined because I am not interested (not because of the OCD - that's fine with me), and very selective with relationships these days, but I agreed to keep in touch about our anxiety. I'm sure it wasn't easy for him to abruptly talk to someone, as he seemed very nervous, and I don't know what kind of support network he does or doesn't have. I think it is important to have someone to talk to - just NO romance!

 

- Christina

[Abandonedalways]

Thank you Christina! Yeah, shes a smart cookie about what foods she likes. I've found myself to work well with pressures also. I never thought about asking anyone out in a doctors office before. That is pretty bold. Hopefully he has a good network to keep him strong.

 

((Christina))

[neurotic_lady89]

Phat. I've been eating far too many carbs and sugary treats for a long time. My spare tire is coming back; I worked really hard to get rid of it back in 2007-2011 period. I lost darned near 40-lbs.

 

I'm only up about 10 lbs again but I need to reverse the gain.

 

Carbs and sugar are harder to resist than booze is for me. Especially at night.

 

I hear you, JD. I eat pretty healthy but sweets are my downfall. Speaking of which, I need to stick that Hershey's with almonds in the fridge before it melts...

 

- Christina

[smithci]

Hi Christina

Thank you

I'm seeing doctor tommorow but it's doubtful he'll give anything for the anxiety.. I'm in the UK and they tend to just tell you to bare with it as best you can. I'm also asking for a therapist referral

[salparadise6132]

JD - hang in there, bud.  Hoping you can pick it up at work.  In know it's tough - I'm flagging at work myself.

 

Long day about half done.  Can't wait to get out of here.

 

Bri

[ohgeesmiles]

Uggghhhhh! I hate Wednesdays, I really do.  For as long as I can remember, Wednesday has always been the most unpleasant day of the week.  For some reason, everyone on earth suddenly becomes an irritating P**k on that particular day.  All I did was drive down the street and back; I feel like I just drove through Fallujah.  When Texas passes it's open carry law, I'm going to make it a mental note to not go outside on that day, for any reason.  Other than that, it's nice and sunny outside, despite all the flood water everywhere; I think I will go for a walk in the woods, away from the humans.  lol

[neurotic_lady89]

I will be amazed if I make it through the day without a severe, full-blown, panic attack or five. This is all hormonal, due to my "visitor" coming soon - seriously ready to donate my uterus to science. I will now lay in front of the fan and try to breathe deeply. I knew I should have picked up my "calm tea" (Chamomile with honey and vanilla).

 

- Christina

[mikeb6901]

surrounded by people yet feel so alone & isolated. 

[TrappedWriter]

Today, I am still feeling the anger and sadness from last night. It sucks when you find out that someone you really like and care about, lied to you the whole time; about everything. I feel awful..

[CallaLily]

Physically I feel so darn achy. I feel like I'm 80 instead of 31, though this isn't anything new. I usually just take OTC pain meds, do some yoga, and don't think much about it. However, when I feel good mentally, like I do today, then I start to focus on physical symptoms. It's always something!

[buttermybiscuit]

I sometimes wonder if I'd feel better if I cut back on the Internet, but then again there's not much you can do to make anything feel better once you've hit rock bottom.

Frustrated, again. I don't even know how to put into words why I feel this way.

[Abandonedalways]

Confused. Very very confused. but managing.

[Drakeyfox]

I think the reason I hate myself is because my parents have spent my whole life criticizing me. They mean well, but I just can't spend time around them without them pulling apart my flaws.

My friends in middle school did the same thing. Every day they would gang up around me and insult me or list my faults. Then in n high school my brain took over where they left off.

If this many people thought I was inferior, then logically I must actually be inferior trash.

[neurotic_lady89]

Uggghhhhh! I hate Wednesdays, I really do.  For as long as I can remember, Wednesday has always been the most unpleasant day of the week.  For some reason, everyone on earth suddenly becomes an irritating P**k on that particular day.  All I did was drive down the street and back; I feel like I just drove through Fallujah.  When Texas passes it's open carry law, I'm going to make it a mental note to not go outside on that day, for any reason.  Other than that, it's nice and sunny outside, despite all the flood water everywhere; I think I will go for a walk in the woods, away from the humans.  lol

 

 Be sure to bring your rain boots in the woods! How's that ark coming along?

 

I'm not sure what it is about certain days of the week. Tuesdays were always tougher for me, because it is later than the "new beginning" of Monday yet not close enough to the end of the week. But I notice the most damn unpleasant people on Thursdays (my theory is that the week is almost over - but not yet).

 

- Christina

Edited May 27, 2015 by neurotic_lady89

[salparadise6132]

Oh I hate to read all this pain.  But, I'm glad you're all writing it down for us!

 

Drakey - I understand.  My parents were distant, unloving and critical and that, combined with a natural predisposition for anxiety has led to most of my life's problems.  However, I have made great strides - not out of the woods - but I generally feel better about myself.  I can actually say I like myself, effeminate, or not LOL.

 

Christina - Here's hoping you don't panic tonight.  But, if you do, it will pass :)

 

Butter - Being analytical, perhaps to a fault, I am always frustrated when I can't easily define what it IS that's bothering me.  I NEED answers. That said, this might be a time for you (and I, when this happens) to accept the feeling and let go of the need to understand it.  I know, easier said then done, but if we can do it, it could be freeing for us.

 

TrappedWriter - Been there, with you, too. The feeling of violation is profound.  We have to accept it though, and move along and try to trust others - only this time with a little more experience and information behind us so that we ca, hopefully, look for these signs again.

 

I am doing OK.  Downloaded a real cheesy, self-helpy, but well articulated E-Book on loving yourself.  I even did a test and found out that I do - I do love myself.  It's taken me fifty years, but I do.  I think I'm pretty damn cool. Please, everyone, try not to wait as long as I did to come to this conclusion.

[eden_vane]

Trying to keep myself busy doing chores. I am back at my house alone. Sometimes I pause between chores and just stare at the wall for no reason. It feels like something is missing. I have to cook dinner soon. Cooking is a little joy in my day.

[freckledface]

Feeling rather pathetic. I feel myself isolating more and more. Have a T appt tomorrow and really no desire to go... What's the point? I "know" what I need/should be doing but have absolutely no motivation or energy to do it.

[buttermybiscuit]

@Sal I think that's some good advice right there. I feel like I vacillate between wanting to know *exactly* what's up and not wanting to -- or rather, like you said, just being free. The latter option should be the easiest choice, but the analytical mind just keeps saying "no."

But I get what you're saying, and I think I'm going to follow your advice and accept every little fiber of my being from here on forward.

[Shawn81]

Had a yearly evaluation at my agency. I really hate sitting there answering questions about what family/friends supports I have. They think I'm joking or something when I tell them none. Then it just gets uncomfortable.

[feelinglostagain]

Shawn81 I feel for you. I swear, people who have been convicted of horrendous crimes are not seen as "flawed" as people who prefer to be alone rather than be around people they may not care for.

 

A while back I had to go to a food bank, and one of the required documents to "prove" you "need" the stuff that donated to the food bank is have a "friend" fill out a form saying you aren't working or whatever, like a "friend" wouldn't lie. Then they looked at me like I was from another planet because I didn't have "friends". I told them I knew some neighbors (one a moochy substance abuser, another one of the biggests gossips and liars I ever knew, another that I had occasional conversations with who believed ALL POOR PEOPLE ARE GOOD AND ALL PEOPLE WITH MONEY ARE BAD which just seemed completely off the wall to me) so I told them I knew people from here and there but wasn't close enough to any of them for them to know my personal business.

 

Anyway, sorry to go on, fact is it seems most of the people in the world would rather be with ANYONE rather than be alone so for that particular type of coward, it is unthinkable to choose to depend only on one's self.

Edited May 28, 2015 by feelinglostagain

[Shawn81]

Shawn81 I feel for you. I swear, people who have been convicted of horrendous crimes are not seen as "flawed" as people who prefer to be alone rather than be around people they may not care for.

 

A while back I had to go to a food bank, and one of the required documents to "prove" you "need" the stuff that donated to the food bank is have a "friend" fill out a form saying you aren't working or whatever, like a "friend" wouldn't lie. Then they looked at me like I was from another planet because I didn't have "friends". I told them I knew some neighbors (one a moochy substance abuser, another one of the biggests gossips and liars I ever knew, another that I had occasional conversations with who believed ALL POOR PEOPLE ARE GOOD AND ALL PEOPLE WITH MONEY ARE BAD which just seemed completely off the wall to me) so I told them I knew people from here and there but wasn't close enough to any of them for them to know my personal business.

 

Anyway, sorry to go on, fact is it seems most of the people in the world would rather be with ANYONE rather than be alone so for that particular type of coward, it is unthinkable to choose to depend only on one's self.

 

I know the feeling, the quote in my signature sums up how I feel about it.

 

I had the weird food bank rules too. I take people to the food banks a lot for work because they won't give them meat or pastries unless they show up with a vehicle, which none of them have, obviously. They get like three times as much if they can show up with a car.