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"paralyzed"


Icarus21

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I can't seem to make the next move in my life. Everything seems to be at a stand still. Over the past year, I have learned a lot about myself and of the world. I have had a lot of self improvements and a lot of setbacks as well. All I can say is I am terribly overwhelmed.

I have a bunch of new information and I just don't know what to do with it all. I doubt everything uplifting I tell myself because of the events that have recently happened over the couple of years. I got so burnt out after constant arguments, fights, guilt trips, lies, and BS from people around me.

I longed for social connections and after a while, I got so fed up with everyone and everything that I had to retreat. I have been retreating for a while now and know I can't forever, but at the same time I know myself well enough to put myself out there right now. I beat myself up this. I feel guilty. I should be enjoying summer and having a job but I just can't physically or mentally get myself to that point with sheer willpower.

I still feels like all of this burden just feel on me recently, so I'm still just beginning to grieve. I should do something, anything, but my body won't let me. My mind won't let me. I have an idea and then my mind goes back to horrific events. I suffer from PTSD and I didn't grow up in very good conditions.

I feel like people are annoyed or rushing me to be better, to smile, to forget everything, to fake it, and I just can't. I did that in the past and it made it worse. I even went to the store with my mom yesterday and her stress and my niece crying gave me a mini panic attack.

I'm afraid to do anything knowing that won't help but I know from past experiences that when I just venture off unguarded, things become even worse. I don't know how it gotten so bad that people now terrify me. My heartbeat goes a mile a minute ANYTIME I come in contact with people. Even by myself I have been increasingly anxious.

I second guess all of my decisions because in the past, everyone believed they knew me better than I did and after hearing "what's best for me" I begin to believe them. I spend hours and hours playing mind games with my self. I can't just "be."

I would love to see a doctor to properly diagnose me and help me out but that is what started a lot of this. Me going to "simply" see a doctor is not even an option. I was lied to, neglected, and used by the last time I tried to see another doctor. And I have been having more and more bad experiences with psychiatrists. I go back to school soon and by the time things are arranged I will be back at school anyways where I do have a supportive counselor doing EMDR.

To be honest I am dealing with all of this alone, except for my counselor. So if I am writing on here too much, I am incredibly sorry. I am just in need of a listening ear.

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It sounds like in addition to your PTSD, you have social anxiety now.

Funny thing about social anxiety is that it makes us avoid people, experience negative feelings when around people, self-judgment after having interacted with people, and YET all that negativity doesn't take away from our need for human connection. So you end up craving to be around people even as you are terrified of interacting with them.

Cut yourself some slack. Drop the self-judgement whenever you notice it. If you spoke to another who was struggling the same way as you, you would not be so quick to judge them as you are to judge yourself. You would not assume others judge them the way you likely assume others judge you.

Sounds like some high baseline anxiety is going on for you. Don't completely rule out medication. These types of anxiety disorders can be quite successfully treatable by medication. Most frequently, this means trying several to find the right one (which can often surprisingly be an anti-depressant).

Know that your fear is not indication of danger. Your self-judgement is no indication of any wrong doing on your part other than being self-judgement itself. And judging yourself doesn't harm anyone, except you, and you're already paying that price.

Fearlessness is to be without fear, what we see so many action-heroes in movies display. Bravery is to act in spite of fear. Spread your wings bravely Icarus, for no one can take that away from you.

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Don't apologize for coming here and talking...that's why this forum exists :) I don't really know what to say, except that I understand your social anxiety. I get that way myself, and before I was on medication (I take Lexapro) I was at the point where I didn't want to leave the house because I couldn't stand the anxiety I felt being around people. And I felt paralyzed about making even small decisions in a grocery store, like should I get the white bread or the wheat, and what brand, etc etc. The cereal aisle could induce a small panic attack because of the hundreds of choices.

I feel better now on medication, and I am in therapy as well. Could your counselor recommend a good psychiatrist? Medication might really help you if you can find the right doctor who is knowledgable and compassionate, or at the very least competent and has your best interest in mind.

Hope you get the help you need, in the meantime come here and talk to us if you need someone to listen!

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Nothing to apologise about at all. Its also an absolutely normal part of PTSD to have that sort of physiological response when speaking to people and especially if some of the trauma has been interpersonal. I think its worthwhile remembering that as the best way to deal that isnt always the same as dealing with social anxiety even though they can seem the same.

Its a bit like depression or depression with PTSD. For the first people usually respond when they do as much as possible whereas with PTSD and depression too much causes symptom spikes, fallout and worsening. Saying that though, isolating and avoidance isnt helpful either and the whole world and everyone in it can soon start looking untrustworthy.Its starts feeling like a black hole to me.

Mourning is very healthy if painful. You deserve patience.

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