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Total Apathy


drool

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Hi everyone. I've been depresses for the better part of 5 years. I guess it was brought on by the realization that regardless of how much I put into work, most of my peers and management don't care about doing the right thing, so I can't make a real difference. This allowed me to see that none of us make any lasting difference. It makes everything seem so pointless.

My deep love for my wife makes me want to be happy for her sake. However, I find everything hard to do now. Basic life maintenance seems like so much work. I still feel joy, pain, etc for others, but could not care less about myself.

Is is so hard to motivate myself to get out of bed, or do anything productive.

I've been on meds, but all of them that I've tried led to sexual dysfunction. That just leads to more unhappiness and lack of intimacy.

If I could end it all easily, I would. However I can't stand the thought of doing that to my wife.

What can I do to snap out of it? What's the point anyway? To be happy again with doing pointless things?

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Hey Drool welcome to DF!

I am sorry to hear that you have been suffering the better part of five years. Work can definitely cause pretty severe depression. Have you ever thought of switching jobs or careers and finding people who are motivated to do good things and make a lasting difference. There are people out there.

It sounds like you love your wife very much and she cares for you very deeply. Have you told her how you have been struggling with the basics.

The point is to be happy and be able to enjoy your life even when doing the pointless things.

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Sounds like you've wandered straight into my old friend "existential depression". A lovely condition which has surely introduced you to its friend "nihilism". I'm quite familiar with both and sad to say haven't found anything trump their pessimistic worldview. No matter how I try to convince myself that they're wrong I'm unable to do so. So ultimately I don't think there's an intrinsic purpose to anything... that is to say "existence does not come with a reason for existing". Life does not have a reason built into its design; just as there's no reason hardwired into making you get up in the morning. It simply is or it isn't. You do or you don't.

Unfortunately it largely comes down to worldview and one thing I've learned is you can't change your worldview through force of will. It's a way of understanding and interpreting the world around you; as such it must be something you hold true. Most people are happy to ignore the futility of everything we do in order to focus on the small and petty things. They don't care that things won't change or get better because "that sweet new movie is coming out!" "that chick at work totally got new boob job!" "my car is so much nicer than his!". If you're aware enough to see all the things people choose to ignore it's gonna be hard to go back to being entirely focused on when the new iphone comes out. So ultimately you have to come up with your own purpose. Mine is to make my girlfriend's life better. I don't give a about myself or my happiness... but making her life better is something I can hold on to. That doesn't make the process of getting out of bed each morning less painful... but it does make it less pointless.

Wish I could offer you something more but that's as far as I've come in my own struggle with these issues.

Stay strong.

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Wow this post hit home. I am terribly sorry you feel this way. I have been extremely apathetic lately and just feel so guilty and it is so hard to get out of. My reasoning is the same as yours and to be honest, I don't know if I will get out of it as soon as everyone wants me too. It is good that you are at least doing SOMETHING to tackle your state. It seems like you still have an attachment to your wife which is very good. I think of that as an anchor. A reason to keep fighting. I don't really have one anymore sadly. I just keep fighting in hopes of finding something I can enjoy or find passion in again. Dog's post was spot on and interesting to read. She/he pretty much has it spot on.

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