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Boyfriend Is Selfish Or Its Depression Talking...


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I live with my boyfriend and we have been dating for 3years. He can be very affecinate but seems like its only on his terms. My father passed away this year and here we are on fathers day and my boyfriend, hasn't comforted me. When family comes I want him to be included but he avoids my family and friends like he is ashamed of them. When I confront him on the issue he just claims he is tired. Yesterday he was leaving for out of town And I pleaded for him to spend his remaining time with me but he blew me off for his music because he was going to miss his recording studio and wouldn't play with it for a week. He wouldn't see me for a week either but he didn't seem to mind that...He went to out of town this morning and I wrote him a letter to take with so he can read it on the plane ride if he gets lonesome. Its just a silly dumb letter but a sentimental one as well. He never read it. He told me it slipped his mind and that he got a lot of music written down that he was busy with. He is consumed by his love of music and it has barley any room for me. I feel like if I had my medication I could tell him off easier but I do not have meds quite yet.

He has a sister who likes to pursade him to cheat on me because she thinks since I'm out of town I won't know. At least that's the vibe I get. He has already texted me that girls have tried to get with him there and it worries me. Its a bit of a control issue not a trust issue. I trust him I just feel anxious about never knowing what's going on...when I step back from all these thoughts I realize that many of them are depression. The insecurity, the anger and made up scenrios I make in my head. The boy could probably be getting me a present up there out of town but I never thought about it because I think he is out to hurt me because depression told me so, at least I think. I picture this as I'm writing him doing drugs or cheating or not even calling me because he does not miss me. I'm crazy about it...it's controlling its wrong I don't know why I feel this way. I feel like I would be safer if I broke up with him so he could do all those things and it wouldn't harm me as much. I wonder if depression or anxiety patients get this way too. Not clingy but more of a "he doesn't care about me and will hurt me" feelings especially when the person hasn't given you a reason to feel that way.

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Hey hun!

From stories I've heard people feel this way a lot even in standard relationships unaffected by mental health. I do think your depression is spiralling your thoughts in a negative downward circle, as you've noticed yourself. I read your other post about your boyfriend being the only one there for you. If his sister is anything like you described then it sounds like he's probably taking a step back to evaluate your guys' relationship. He does sound like he's being very distant and that would make anyone think.

Perhaps lay off his tail for a day or two and see how he reacts. Don't pursue the topic, but be friendly and normal with him. Don't give him a reason to snap. Wait for him to figure out his feelings and come back to you. He will if he really cares.

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Thank you for the response. I always do tend to "attack" him to try to fix the problem immediately because it's a uncomfortable feeling and I don't want to feel it for long but if I do as you say by stepping back his action's will surely tell me how he truley feels. I just can't have him making me feel ignored any more.

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Hi Kirda,

Is your boyfriend aware of your depression/anxiety? If so, you may want to have a conversation with him about some of his habits that are exacerbating your symptoms. Not an "attack" as you phrased it but a calm conversation. If you have to "attack" him in order to get him to listen, he has some serious growing to do as a human being before he can be in a healthy relationship with anyone, depression aside.

It sounds like he's very dedicated to his music, and as a person who has a deep passion for my own art I can relate to that. But any artist has to understand that if they are going to maintain a relationship with someone, they simply have to make time for them. I work a full time job and dedicate a large portion of my own time to work on writing projects, but I always find at least a little time every day to spend with my wife, even if it's just an hour or two to eat dinner/watch some TV together and tell each other about our days.

When it comes to fighting my illness, my wife is my biggest cheerleader, my support, my muse. I can honestly say that I wouldn't have made it this far without her support. If your boyfriend is not willing or able to play that role for you, you should step back and take a long, pensive look at your relationship. If he had a debilitating illness, wouldn't you care for him?

Just some thoughts. I wish you the best of luck with your health and your relationship. Stay strong.

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Hello twoheadedboy, that is my boyfriends favorite song how funny. My boyfriend is aware of my anxiety and depression but from time to time I have to sit down and have a serious talk about why I react certain ways. He intensifies my emotions by being so oblivious and selfish at times but we do have our days where I am glad he is here. I want to have that kind of relationship that you have with your wife. The support and cheering on. I think in order for that to happen we do need to have a talk. He listens terribly...he is the kind of person where if I had said "you hurt me" he would say "but I didn't mean to" instead of an apology. I've been told he is that way because he has a lot of growing up to do, not sure if that's acceptable because he is a year older and i do not act that way(he is 20). I do hope we get across this bridge so things will get better for the both of us.

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