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Friendship Difficulties.


16bit

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I'm currently getting into quite a bad funk, and so I'm trying not to be alone as much as possible lately.

However, I don't think people really like... doing things with me?

I'm pretty cheery and people never really suspect there is anything 'wrong' with me, so I don't think it's because I'm a downer. But I feel like people aren't really comfortable with me? I always hear that, "If you go, I'll go" between them and someone else, and I just can't work out why we cannot just go together, because I'm not aware of any issues between us and so forth.

I almost want to ask, but I'm really afraid to because I might be reading way too much into this!! Don't want to come across as crazy or anything, and I just presume that people are forgetful or say such things because they think it'd be more fun with their closer friends/a group, etc.

Anyway, it is just making me feel more lonely than I felt beforehand and more down about myself. =\

To be honest, I almost think I am too vulnerable for friendships. I just don't like the rejection involved, and don't think I can cope. But then I think trying and feeling super-lonely then gradually/hopefully getting over it someday will be better than becoming a recluse? Or will it be!? I'm not sure.

What to do!!

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Hey hun,

Sorry you feel this way! I can totally relate. I feel too vulnerable for a lot of friendships too, unless I really connect with the girls and they can understand me.

But then I think trying and feeling super-lonely then gradually/hopefully getting over it someday will be better than becoming a recluse? Or will it be!? I'm not sure.

Haha, this is exactly the mindset I had when I feared being alone. To be honest, I did become a recluse, which I wouldn't suggest for anyone else but for me it helped me find myself and be more comfortable in my own presence. Again, thats the only positive thing though, I do get lonely sometimes but have one or two best friends I see occasionally and my 21 yo brother is always up in the loft with me. (I'm 19)

I don't know what age you and your group of friends are but it sound like a pretty immature thing to say "If you go, I'll go" obviously there are subtle cliques or closer friendships within the group and not everyone is close with everyone (it was like that when I had a large group of friends with I was 15 but no one ever said anything like that) is there someone you're close to in the group? Or are you just friends with them because they're there?

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Hey EllaMight!

Thank you for your reply! I already feel a little better to hear that you can understand where I'm coming from.

That's the thing, I don't often have an issue with being alone a lot or staying indoors probably way too much (except when I have to stop doing that and socialise more, then it's all a bit of a shock and thus difficult mentally).

But I'm not sure if that's healthy? Even though I don't mind it. I guess I kind of want what you have! One or two best friends that I occasionally see. I have an eighteen-year-old brother and we are very good friends too. =)

Yeah, I thought so too. It was just such a shock to have a few people saying this? I am 24, the people in question are 20 - 22. Uni. friends! I mean, I understand it from people who don't know me well - I really have no problem with that. But for these people who have come to know me, I don't really get it. I've never had people say that to me either before meeting these people.

I don't think I'm close with anyone here. Well, I'm starting to feel like that in a way (as if we're staying friends just because we're here) because I would usually just avoid people who don't seem to want to hang around with me... but sometimes they do invite me to things, so it's all a bit confusing. I think because it's a small group of us we might kind of feel we have to mix together than if we weren't in this situation (on a study abroad). I was actually pretty happy that I got to know them, but now I feel like I might have been wrong in thinking that I was bonding with anyone. =\

My counsellor told me to be more open with people because even people who have known me for years do not know many almost basic things about me, due to all the self-hatin'. I tend to extract lots of information about other people, without giving information about me in return! So I really tried to apply it this year. Fresh start. It was stupidly painful at first, but I've done it and I think these people know me better than most people I know, to be honest (although I don't think they would suspect that!!). Yet the problem with that is, I have this paranoia that the more people get to know me, the more they will hate me. That's why I worry that I am overreacting to their behaviour towards me.

But not too long ago - and I wrote about this here too - two of the people called me a 'time-waster' (in a joke-y way, but it upset me quite a bit at the time). I don't know, just so exhausting...

I don't really want to think about it. Ha ha, but I need to because it's aggravating all the lethargy and sadness that's gathering right now.

Having said that, there is actually one person here who I'm pretty sure genuinely enjoys my company. Ha ha, so at least it's not all bad! =)

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It can be tough when you're craving social interaction and feel like you are not getting enough of it. That craving can make us over-analyze and second-guess all our social interactions.

It sounds like in your current social circles you are at least part of the group, if not the "hub friend" around which everyone revolves.

My advise is to engage in activities you truly and genuinely enjoy. Things you would do alone. Things around which you have passion. When we do this, the activity itself becomes the "hub" and your interest and excitement shine through eventually. At least then, there will be part of yourself on display others can connect with and you'll be open to talking about.

When I read your first post, my first thought was "This person is past high-school" because that's when friendship ceases to be something that comes automatically from sharing all the same classes and sitting around the lunch table and starts being something where it's easy to vanish into the crowd. Everyone does their own thing.

I think it's likely true what your counselor said in your second post, that because you are guarded, not letting on even that you're depressed, it's harder for people to know you, and therefore harder for them to feel intimate with you. Not feeling intimate with you isn't the same thing as not liking you or not liking your company.

You might actually find that if you share this basic truth about you, that you're afraid of rejection and afraid of judgement, your friends will react by becoming much much closer to you when you finally let down your guard a bit. Even just saying the sentence, "I'm afraid of being a downer, so I don't let on that I struggle with depression most of the time." can give someone the opportunity to feel really close to you and say some kind words.

Take a chance on one of those friends and be vulnerable for a day as an experiment. You know them all well enough to know which ones are kind and emphatic!

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I don't know, Susandirs. I rarely have positive experiences with any of this at all. =(

My main interests do not seem to be anyone else's interests. I have a great passion for a number of things, and nearly everything interests me in general. But things I am particularly interested in are not of any interest to most people. Even watching films (which I love) is something that most people seem to respond negatively to. They say I'm wasting time, etc (even though that's not true!).

I've let my guard down with the people I'm speaking about, and I've never had such negativity said about me and such in my life. =\ Honestly, it feels like it's only solidifying my worries! My counsellor thinks maybe I said too much, but I don't even like to say 'too much', so I don't think that's possible.

But this is exactly why I didn't in the first place. I've had experiences where people have not been too kind or understanding about it (enough to make me feel uncomfortable) and/or tried to even use my issues against me. Honestly, it's not so much even that the people don't like me. The problem is that if I feel any hostility with somebody, I shut off any interest I have in them. I don't care to know them in the slightest if they try and belittle me, etc (no matter how good our relationship was beforehand).

And I feel like, by opening up about things, I am allowing them to say things that will be exactly that and then I will not be able to be friends with them anymore as a result (because I have no tolerance for it), whereas I could have been friends if we just didn't ever talk about it.

I just don't feel like anybody could ever be neutral about it, but I know I cannot maintain relationships if I feel this way... so I don't bother with it. At the same time, I have definitely been 'tested' and I have handled it very well, I think.

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Hello. I can totally relate with that. For many years I got to know people, but didn't let them really know me. They knew about some of my interests, we talked about things in general, but I always avoided telling anything really personal. I didn't lie to them, but I omitted as much as I could. And they didn't even seem to notice that. But that also meant I had no support from them, since they never got to know anything about my problems.

When keeping up a front got harder, I changed my tactics. And guess what? Letting people know about problems, see me struggling, was even worse. Most of my so called 'friends' not only did not give me one grain of support, but started showing their claws, especially when they noticed I was to overwhelmed to react.

And like you, I shut off any interest I have in them.

I know this reply neither positive nor very helpful....but that's my experience :/

I'm really interested in reading more replies to this topic.

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Classicmoviefan, it's good - although also kind of sad - to know that you've had the same experiences as I've had!!

This also really hurts me when the people in question are close to me. It's made some issues a lot worse, I think.

I definitely find that the majority of people are not at all good to speak to about problems or anything too personal.

It feels like, the more they learn about me, the more they are given the opportunity to attack me.

Even regarding my interests - which, yes, most people did not previously know about. Even some family don't.

It's just so frustrating, and what did they hope to achieve? Making themselves feel better?

Anyway, 99.5% of the people I know are like this, I think. So at least that leaves me with 0.5%. =)

& I can deal with the majority of people, but only at a surface level, which is why it's better to keep it that way.

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