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I'm Lonely And Wish I Had Some Friends

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In my life at the moment I have a boyfriend and 2 friends.. one of which I see every year or so and the other which I see more regularly but is quite negative and mean about people. I feel like I only see her for some company and and because I'm worried my boyfriend will see me as weird if I don't have a single friend. He has a lots of friends.. he just seems to meet somebody who introduces him to somebody else etc, so he has a very social life. He's not the most outgoing person in the world either but I feel like things come so easily for him. For me, I accept every invite people give me (which is rare), have tried to connect with old friends and am always the one initiating plans with my current friends and it's a massive deal if I go to see a friend rather than a normal thing which makes me a bit sad. I'm happy and have no problems with all his plans but I do get a bit secretly jealous sometimes. It depresses me thinking of how much fun he's having whilst i'm on my own.

I try not to act desperate and full on but it's hard when I'm barely getting anything from the other person. My friend usually accepts my invite and say she's excited to see me but it seems a bit fake, and she never initiates plans. Everybody just seems so uninterested in me and I have no idea why, I used to have a close group of friends but they did something very hurtful to me so I've cut them out of my life. Sometimes I wonder if I was wrong for doing that and whether there is something wrong with me because nobody wants to spend time with me. When I do go out I don't talk about problems, ask about the other person, generally try and be positive and fun and I'm never mean, but people will never make follow up plans with me. Yesterday I asked my friend if she'd like to go to the park, but it began raining so I understood her not wanting to come. Today I saw on facebook she'd gone to that park with another person and was a bit sad she didn't think to invite me. I've had a lot of instances where somebody have rejected plans for some reason and done them at a later date with somebody else and posted pics of facebook and it does sting a little as I'm usually doing things on my own to keep my my mind occupied.Facebook has been quite upsetting for me to see everybody elses fulfilling lives. I end up feeling a bit sorry for myself that everybody seems to share enjoyable things with people whereas I'm basically talking to myself when I go out. Most of the time I don't even have the motivation to do anything though and usually end up sleeping to pass time. I then wake up feeling guilty that I'm wasting my life. In the past I've even shamefully lied to friends about what I've been up to so they don't think i'm pathetic. I don't mind being on my own sometimes mind you, and my boyfriend and I do a lot of things together which I'm so grateful for. I love him, and he never mentions my lack of friends and treats me so well, I just feel myself wanting to withdraw from him a bit out of worry that he's going to turn out to be my only source of real happiness, and I'm going to be really hurt and much more lonely if we break up. I want to be have a life aside from him, somebody to spend time with apart from him sometimes.

I also have 1 friend at uni who is probably my closest but she lives too far away to see over summer. The other week it hit home when she was talking about best friends and was listing pairs of people off and came to me and said "you and.. whoever". She's also said things like "I don't know how *** has any friends, she's horrible" and I obviously relate that to myself, making me think there has to be something wrong with me for not having friends. It made me feel like her and my boyfriend might secretly think I'm strange for not having friends which might eventually put them off me.

I'd honestly love to make new friends. There's not a lot of "clubs" around me for people my age (20) but I'm looking for a job. I'm shy but I still make conversation with people. I feel like I've just been taken forgranted by all my friends so far in life and I feel like I have something to offer. I've felt like this for around a a year and a half now but have just put it to the back of my mind and accepted it, but recently it's started getting bad again. I have had a few suicidal thoughts the past week which has scared me, although I wouldn't act on it, it does come to mind when I'm feeling terrible. The issue which is making me most depressed at the moment is that I'm going to start depending on my boyfriend too much and starting to picture how devastated i'm going to be if we break up, so I desperately feel I need to make some friends and create a new life as quick as I can, before there's any sign of us breaking up (I understand how irrational this is, as this is going to take time). I'd appreciate any advice or kind words today.. thanks for reading.

Edited by Char12
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Hey darling,

Can I first just say that you sound amazing and the type of person I would LOVE to be friends with. I could relate to your post so much, I used to have a large group of friends when I was 14-15 (i'm 19 now) but also cut them off because some of them did something hurtful to me too. The rest have slowly just lost contact.

Also don't feel bad or like its your fault that your friends aren't the ones inviting you out (although this particular set you describe sound pretty needlessly horrible or terribly unaware if I may remark) As I find a lot of people around our age (19-21) lose contact with a lot of friends and people are terrible at following up etc. My brother is 21 and also literally has like 1 gig buddy and 1 best friend from primary school. (I'm best friends with her sister). I think it's just a huge time for change and everyone is desperate to be seen doing something and meet new people etc.

It's very selfless and lovely of you to continue to make plans. Those people don't sound very compatible with you - it sounds like they're all about the gossiping, want to be seen to be busy busy busy all the time (uploading their pics on Facebook), and you sound like someone who deserves a more quality connection than just a load of fair weather friends who just care about themselves and their image. I know it sounds terribly cliche, but joining a book club or some sort of class is really the best option if you're not in some other sort of regular setting outside of home at the moment.

I can totally relate to what your saying. I think I would be in a very, very similar situation to you if I was in a relationship at the moment. I'm basically trying to do exactly what you are doing but before I get into a relationship so that I won't have to rely on my boyfriend / be co dependent on him - something I'm scared might happen to. You sound very self-aware and like a charming, really awesome girl.

As well as reaching out to try and build a life outside of your boyfriend, I'd focus on being more okay with not being okay sometimes, and with liking yourself and comfortable with being alone. I've spent a lot of time alone so I feel like if I were to break up with a future boyfriend I'd be devastated but then very comfortable with being alone again as I'm so used to it. (Hopefully - I've never known what a relationship feels like so hopefully that won't distort my perceptions too much)

Can I ask is being in a relationship really that great? I can see it being really helpful for diminishing loneliness at the best of times. (But also that factor of dependency as the price, as you mentioned) but I'm sure ir requires a lot of mental work to stay stable and happy together, something that I think I'd find hard to do when going through depression but simple enough when I'm in a stable mind. How are you finding it?

Edited by EllaMight
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Hey Char,

It's hard to just go out and find new friends however maybe finding some new interests. Maybe taking up a hobby or even volunteering (looks great on a resume). You meet some really nice people who share some of the same interests as you. Also avoid comparing yourself to others on facebook that can really make you feel horrible. Start finding things and not people to fill your life.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thanks for the positive words everybody. Ella, I think it's very smart of you to want to get your own life before getting into a relationship. To be honest I actually felt okay before getting in this relationship.. I mean, I'd have waves of loneliness and in hindsight, still didn't have a lot going on in my life, but felt okay most of the time. I don't know if this was because I was at university and concentrated on my work, and had one friend at least which made me feel like my life had some meaning. I was still constantly searching for new things to take part in though. If anything, when we got together he made me feel so secure and beautiful at the start of our relationship that it completely boosted my ego and made me believe I could get any guy I wanted (not that I did want anybody else obviously) and made me want to do new things on my own.. I understand now that this in itself is a form of dependency that him and not myself made me feel like that.

Like I previously said, now I'm home for summer I'm struggling making plans with friends. I only really see one now. I initiate plans and I've really opened up to her about things. She says she feels the same, but has a large group of friends she goes out with yet doesn't invite me. I hint that I'd love to come out with them but it falls on deaf ears really. I went to the other friend's (who I barely see) garden party the other day and I felt quite looked down on by her friends which are much more cultured and well spoken that I am. I tried to make conversation with her friends but it felt like a clique, and I just felt excluded so left early. Since then I feel like we both feel inside that we don't have anything in common so haven't spoken since. I feel like I've lost another friend.

I feel like It is having an affect on my relationship now. My plans and friends are dwindling.. I never know what to say when my boyfriend asks what I've been up to because the real answer is.. trying to make plans, find things to do, get motivated etc, realizing the reality and then sitting in bed depressed, whilst he always has plans with friends. I don't want him to feel sorry for me or feel like I am dependent on him. I want to be a happy, fun to be with girlfriend for him. I feel like it's starting to become clear to him what my life is like, and he's starting to take me forgranted.. knowing I'll always be available to make plans with when he wants. Where he used to treat me perfectly in the beginning, he's now started being late to meet me and acting a bit different. I know this is pretty trivial and I feel I wouldn't be so hurt by it if I had other stuff going on in my life. I ended up telling him I felt he was being different and stupidly crying because I want to change this and have a fulfilling life so I won't get dependent on him but it's just not happening.. I feel like I'm becoming a burden. I hate to make excuses but there is just not a lot to do near me. Lots of the clubs are targeted as only people or children. I will take Pinga's advice and start focusing on filling my life with things and not people.. I just crave company so much.

If anybody has any other suggestions about things to fill my time or advice that would be great. I'm feeling very low at the moment. I feel so stupid for not being able to have a life when for other people it comes so easily. I read before that " How can somebody have a close, intimate relationship when they can't even form basic relationships".. I feel like something is majorly wrong with me.

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