Jump to content

Revisiting Bullies


Recommended Posts

I wonder how many of us who have experienced bullying (or been the bullies ourselves), revisit or search out our bullies (or victims) online to see how they're doing now.

I have.

I experienced severe bullying by a sociopathic woman a year and a bit ago, and thankfully, she was publicly exposed. For a while, I checked her social media pages to see how she was. I've since resolved to stop checking up on her, but for the last week or so, I've been tempted to look again. I think it's because I'm starting to write the really hard things that I've wanted to put on paper and have been afraid to do so. Maybe I'm still afraid she'll get to me. I need to trust that I'm safe.

Has anyone else checked up on their bullies or victims?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My bully, a previous demon/boss who was easily the most terrifyingly cold and nonhuman person I've ever encountered, got fired. (And I,m very happy to report I was involved on getting that witch driven out) overnight she packed up and left town (very small town lol) and I was very curious about where she was and have tried to find her but no such luck. I believe she retired actually. She probably drowns kittens to feed her need for evil now that her supply of human prey has dried up.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sadly I am not as brave as all of you! I try to avoid. I ran into the worst adult one - yes, another ex boss demon women - about 6 months ago after not seeing her for about 8 years. She was all false swarmy smiles and I was cool poised politeness... until I got around the corner and managed to get to the cloak room and went into a freeze and violent shakes for about 30 minutes. Thank goodness I never did it in from of her! What a relief. I'm afraid I didn't stand up to her when we parted ways like the rest of you seem to have done. Mostly since I was in such a bad way I could barely stand up let alone fight her! I find it supremely irksome that these excuses for human beings get away with so much because of the effect they have on their targets. And often because of the protective effects of power and money.

Edited by Fizzle
Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is one reason why I gave up on Facebook. Sometimes I would search for people I went to school with. It really would make me feel bad that they have moved on with their life, having nice jobs and families. While I am still trying to repair the damage they did and still have never dated. It's like everything they used to say about me has come true. Makes me very bitter.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is one reason why I gave up on Facebook. Sometimes I would search for people I went to school with. It really would make me feel bad that they have moved on with their life, having nice jobs and families. While I am still trying to repair the damage they did and still have never dated. It's like everything they used to say about me has come true. Makes me very bitter.

Hi Tami,

I can relate to giving up on Facebook. There were parts about it that I liked, like sort of staying in touch with family I wouldn't otherwise see. That's a double-edged sword, though, when you have abusive family members. My sister said horrible things about me in our family group, twisting a situation and manipulating other family to be on her side. Our arguments usually make other family uncomfortable. They can be quite vicious, so no one usually wants to intervene.

I found Facebook particularly hurtful when my mother died. I had experienced so many stressors at that point, that it was so hard to take everyone's happy news. Not that I don't want others to be happy, but I was beside myself with grief and stress. I left Facebook for good after the bully I mentioned in the originial post contacted my friends and my husband's family on Facebook to get revenge for rejecting her. I still have a Pinterest account, where I express my emotions through images, which suits me better anyway.

I've left Facebook several times, and I always find I'm happier without it. And those family members, I hope to travel to see them in person at some point, anyway. I'd rather have a hug and a weekend of laughter once a year than occassional comments that aren't private. Quality over quantity, substance over fluff.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Interesting subject...I haven't seen many of my old bullies around in the last couple of years. My abusive ex went on to have a child with his current girlfriend/"baby mama". The only bully I still see fairly often is my stepfather, when I visit my mother.

As to family? I am now thankful that my Facebook account was hacked because social media would have just made my life worse. I have a cousin who is one year older than me and is very competitive with me, always has been...but most people don't see that side of her. She is attention-seeking and would post thousands of pictures of herself in skimpy clothes with her cleavage showing, just so people would comment on how "gorgeous" she is. Ugh. :rolleyes:

So yeah, stuff like that frustrated me. We are both in our early 30's now but she has always been a bully. It bothered me to see people fawning over her all the time and giving praise where it wasn't due.

I think about people from my past very often but the ones who really hurt me, I'm just happy that they are no longer a part of my life (most of them) and I don't have to deal with their crap anymore.

Comparing myself to them would only bring more pain. I'm sure that many of them have good jobs/careers, children, loving families, etc...while I don't have all that much. But I try to look at the few things I do have that make life somewhat worth living. Like my mother despite the problems we've had because of my stepfather. Like my husband, for being my rock when nobody else cared to reach out to me. Like the fact that I can still laugh sometimes despite my emotional pain. Like music, chocolate, and books. Like the pretty yellow sunflower in my apartment. It might not be much but that's what I'm trying to focus on.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Interesting subject...I haven't seen many of my old bullies around in the last couple of years. My abusive ex went on to have a child with his current girlfriend/"baby mama". The only bully I still see fairly often is my stepfather, when I visit my mother.

As to family? I am now thankful that my Facebook account was hacked because social media would have just made my life worse. I have a cousin who is one year older than me and is very competitive with me, always has been...but most people don't see that side of her. She is attention-seeking and would post thousands of pictures of herself in skimpy clothes with her cleavage showing, just so people would comment on how "gorgeous" she is. Ugh. :rolleyes:

So yeah, stuff like that frustrated me. We are both in our early 30's now but she has always been a bully. It bothered me to see people fawning over her all the time and giving praise where it wasn't due.

I think about people from my past very often but the ones who really hurt me, I'm just happy that they are no longer a part of my life (most of them) and I don't have to deal with their crap anymore.

Comparing myself to them would only bring more pain. I'm sure that many of them have good jobs/careers, children, loving families, etc...while I don't have all that much. But I try to look at the few things I do have that make life somewhat worth living. Like my mother despite the problems we've had because of my stepfather. Like my husband, for being my rock when nobody else cared to reach out to me. Like the fact that I can still laugh sometimes despite my emotional pain. Like music, chocolate, and books. Like the pretty yellow sunflower in my apartment. It might not be much but that's what I'm trying to focus on.

Hi FeelinBlue,

I completely agree about comparisons. We're all on our own roads, dealing with our own issues, and you probably have more meaning and substance in that sunflower than your cousin does in ten bikini pictures. She's not attracting good men that way, I assure you.

I sort of feel like clinging to my own resentment and bitterness about people from my past allows them to keep winning, when in all honesty, I've never been playing their game in the first place. I've learned the hard way that most of what people do is for themselves instead of against us, no matter how it may feel. Just being objective, trying to detach.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Interesting subject...I haven't seen many of my old bullies around in the last couple of years. My abusive ex went on to have a child with his current girlfriend/"baby mama". The only bully I still see fairly often is my stepfather, when I visit my mother.

As to family? I am now thankful that my Facebook account was hacked because social media would have just made my life worse. I have a cousin who is one year older than me and is very competitive with me, always has been...but most people don't see that side of her. She is attention-seeking and would post thousands of pictures of herself in skimpy clothes with her cleavage showing, just so people would comment on how "gorgeous" she is. Ugh. :rolleyes:

So yeah, stuff like that frustrated me. We are both in our early 30's now but she has always been a bully. It bothered me to see people fawning over her all the time and giving praise where it wasn't due.

I think about people from my past very often but the ones who really hurt me, I'm just happy that they are no longer a part of my life (most of them) and I don't have to deal with their crap anymore.

Comparing myself to them would only bring more pain. I'm sure that many of them have good jobs/careers, children, loving families, etc...while I don't have all that much. But I try to look at the few things I do have that make life somewhat worth living. Like my mother despite the problems we've had because of my stepfather. Like my husband, for being my rock when nobody else cared to reach out to me. Like the fact that I can still laugh sometimes despite my emotional pain. Like music, chocolate, and books. Like the pretty yellow sunflower in my apartment. It might not be much but that's what I'm trying to focus on.

Hi FeelinBlue,

I completely agree about comparisons. We're all on our own roads, dealing with our own issues, and you probably have more meaning and substance in that sunflower than your cousin does in ten bikini pictures. She's not attracting good men that way, I assure you.

I sort of feel like clinging to my own resentment and bitterness about people from my past allows them to keep winning, when in all honesty, I've never been playing their game in the first place. I've learned the hard way that most of what people do is for themselves instead of against us, no matter how it may feel. Just being objective, trying to detach.

Amen to that, arboria. It is VERY difficult to let go of the hurt and anger...all we can do is take it one day at a time. I had one poster tell me in another thread that I need to be more compassionate towards the people who have hurt me. Honestly, I disagree with them...I don't believe that we owe bullies/abusers anything at all.

But I think maybe you're right about how holding on to the past can stop us from moving forward and being happier. Maybe it fits with the saying that "living well is the best revenge".

It's funny about my cousin...I was pretty much trained to hate myself and compare myself with her growing up because our family treated us both very differently. She was viewed as the "golden" girl who could do no wrong. People would insult my looks, my intelligence but fawn over her. I still don't see why but I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And all of the praise made her somewhat cocky and difficult to be around. She is in a relationship and seems happy with the guy, so I wish her all the best.

I will admit that deep down, I want more attention and validation but I don't seek it the way she does. It seems to be OK for her to do that but not me. I guess that's just the way it is. I try to see beauty in myself and build my own confidence, because my emotional needs have never been met by others...I can only do it for myself. Not even my husband can love me the way I need to be loved but I still value him. And I try to make others smile when I can.

Yes, the sunflower is a small thing but looking at it brings me some happiness. It cheers me up even though it isn't real...but I see it as something that symbolizes hope. I know that sounds weird, lol. Maybe there is something you could find to bring you a little bit of joy, too? Something you can look at or think about that makes you smile. I'm seeking things that can make me feel better and more positive about my life and just life in general because when I compare myself to others, I become even more depressed.

So I try to find something, anything that makes me say: "yeah, this is something to feel good about and no one can take it away from me". I think anyone who suffers from depression or is in a dark place needs to find their own bit of sunshine.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I used to check up on a bully - and the coach who told him to assault me - fairly regularly. I never crossed a line into psychopathy on that one, but revenge fantasies were prominent for many years.

I eventually went to the police to file a criminal complaint against the two of them - 20 years after the incident. Ironically, the bully was now a police officer at the precinct where I had to file the complaint.

He ended up having to be questioned by one of the senior investigators in the department, and the chief of police was made aware of the situation - even though the incident stemmed from years before he was a police officer.

Unfortunately the Crown Attorney declined to file charges, so the coach was never interviewed for his role in the assault However, the bully did acknowledge the role the coach played.

So, I scared the crap out of the bully - even though no charges were laid. Plus, he seemed scared I was going to hurt him and his family. I had no plans to do that - but I have to admit the thought that he was scared of me .... felt pretty good. He got his, even if it was 20 years to late. Hopefully his wife and kids felt no worries, because they had nothing to do with it. However, it was good for me to know he felt fear.

As for the coach - he ended up not achieving his dream of becoming a professional coach. Why? Partially because he was a terrible human being. So while I had nothing to do with his failures, I take solace that he failed in his life, and his character, or lack of it, played a role.

He smiles on Facebook, too. Frankly, people smiling on facebook doesn't always mean much. Sometimes it's accurate, sometimes it's not.

I am fairly comfortable knowing that bullies and thugs, unless they take responsibility for their actions, are stuck in an illusory version of happiness. It can be hard to be truly contented without knowing yourself fairly well - and that you are capable of good things and terrible things, and if you don't own that part of you that did something awful, if you make excuses in your head, if you don't try to make amends when you have the chance ... then there will be an emptiness inside you until you do ... you may have happy moments, good relationships, smiles on vacation, good jobs, but you won't feel real, consistent contentment.

That's what I think anyway.

Edit to add: I rarely check up on these people anymore. I still do on occassion, but nothing like before. And I don't dream about the assault anymore.I use to dream about the incident 2-3 times a year, for almost 20 years. I've been able to move on to some degree, although I can't make up for the lost years of rage and distorted thinking ...

Edited by Lifeintheslowlane
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with Lifeintheslowlane...very good points.

Sometimes karma doesn't always take care of bad people...sometimes they simply move on without a care in the world about the pain they caused. But I would like to believe that some people eventually see the error of their ways and change for the better. That is my hope, at least.

And yes, I agree about how Facebook isn't always an indicator of real life. A person can appear outwardly happy and successful and well-liked but you never know what demons they might battle within. This is what I try to remember when I start to wish I could be somebody else or have their life. My own life has been very difficult, full of pain and trauma, but this is the hand I've been given.

When I used to be on Facebook, there were two people in particular that I would check up on frequently. One is my ex's new girlfriend, the mother of his child. I would compare myself with her and no matter how terrible I felt, I could at least comfort myself with the thought that she was less attractive than me...not very nice of me, but I'm being honest. I would have felt much worse if she were much prettier or had a better figure. The reason I mention her looks is because my abusive ex and his family insulted me all the time based on my appearance and other things, so it surprised me that he would be with a person who wasn't all that cute because they are VERY shallow people. I know it sounds bad but if you knew the people involved, you'd see what I mean.

Another person I would check up on is the cousin I mentioned before. Facebook is pretty much a popularity contest, it seems. I used to feel sh*tty when I would see all these people writing on her wall or commenting about how "sexy" and "gorgeous" she was. And no one ever complimented me or said anything nice...it hurt because it reminded me of how I was treated growing up, bullied and rejected and isolated.

I don't blame her for people thinking she is something special because the truth is, some people are just more adept when it comes to making friends easily. But I feel that she is very aware of this because she has made sarcastic comments about me having no life and implying that she's superior to me in every way. Maybe if she were nicer I wouldn't mind the fact that everyone adores her...I would even be happy for her. But it's hard to like somebody who bullies you and uses their social status as a way to hurt you.

Stepping away from Facebook helped to relieve that pain a little bit because the comparison isn't there anymore. I have my life and interests, she has hers...that's the way I want it to be.

Facebook only encourages competitive behavior and makes those of us who are less fortunate or socially awkward feel left out, so I don't miss it much anymore. I prefer to be more engaged with real life and do things I love. People who have bullied me? I haven't seen most of them in a long time and the few that I still see, I'm civil to them but keep them at a distance. The key to healing, for me, is trying to build relationships with kind people who accept me for who I am.

I used to hope that some of the bullies would accept me but now I want nothing to do with them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 months later...

Personally, I've had enough people bully me up until early high school that I probably don't even remember them all. I never sought anybody out but I did bump into one of them at a bar a little over a week ago. We exchanged pleasantries, he's doing well in life, I'm doing well in life, and that's it. I learn really early to avoid wishing bad on others at all costs after one time where one kid that bullied me quite a bit during middle school got into a car accident and died. I was probably the only kid in my grade who wasn't even the slightest bit sad but years later, I realized how emotionally distant I was from the rest of the world and it took years to fix. Honestly, I couldn't care less about how well/poorly any of them are doing today. I have so many different things going on in my life that it's not even worth my time to track anybody down. If you feel like you need to confront her for closure, by all means go ahead. Otherwise, don't waste your time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Anyone seen the film _Flatliners_? I thought it did a really good job with some of the stories about people's childhood sins coming back to haunt them. I was mostly bullied as a child, and by one person in the 9th/10th grade. I'm not sure that someone would feel an inner emptiness from having been a bully in high school, and yet they are the ones who do some of the worst damage. I wouldn't want any kind of revenge on them, especially if there was any remorse for their actions. But it sure would be nice to have an apology.

I've heard of it, but never seen it...will definitely check it out.

I know without a doubt that the people who bullied me don't feel a bit of remorse for the things they've said and done. That's life, I guess.

And while it would be nice to have an apology, I know that will never happen.

My ex feels no remorse for the cheating, the verbal abuse, and the occasional physical abuse...like the time he choked me when we were still in high school.

My stepfather feels no remorse for the years of misery and torment he put me through.

My former classmates don't even remember me, I'm sure. But if they do, they most likely have no shame about anything that happened.

The men who have abused me physically/sexually/verbally/emotionally throughout my life feel no remorse.

My family still feels justified in their treatment of me. All of this just proves that some people will never see anything wrong with their actions and they will never admit they are sorry.

We have to continue healing and try not to look back, I guess.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

My bullies which are my aunt and her 2 kids live across the road. Thankfully its been a few years since the kids have left home and live in another country.anyway they stopped bullying me the day my mother took her life. I was 14. I pretty much hate them yet am forced to interact with them when they come down. My father died last year and if I could help it I would cut all contact with mmy aunt but she is so damn persistant she keeps calling me as she is lonely and I live across. She still talks in sarcastic tones at times and though I have told her off in the last 2 yrs.. I resent that I have to be in touch with these horrible people. Worse because they are across the road. I cant seem to get any release or a time out mentally. I hate it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...