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This Can't Be Resolved.


Lumessence

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Yeah.. me again. Same thing. Always is.

I cry out to the world that I'm in pain, and people seem to hear it, but as soon as I stop, i'm completely forgotten. I do what I can to help others in need because i wish someone would do the same for me. I think and worry about other people when they aren't speaking to me. But they do not do the same for me.

What are you supposed to do when the entire world just simply doesn't get it?

I am disabled for life, and it's been that way since birth. I've always had difficulties, and I'm always going to be dependent on others. That can't be helped. I cannot live with my mother for the rest of my life, and once that time is over, i've got nowhere to go. No one who will care. I shout out in all places I can, and again, people seem to speak in response, but ultimately no one is going to go a little further than words.

I'm not saying that everyone is blame for this. I can't expect people go out of their way for no reason to help me, obviously. That won't happen. But that's where I'm trapped. Because it never will.

I have never had anyone in life that looked at me as more than an acquantance, and when it comes down to it, the only people I'm even on a list of priorities to is my mother.

I have times where I get severely dedicated, and become social, and do what I can in a positive light, but in those times no one sees it. "just a happy friend" (a friend that apparently doesn't require you to make any effort in keeping, because i do ALL the work myself...)

Every friendship I have is one sided. I am ALWAYS the one speaking. ALWAYS the one thinking of others. ALWAYS the first.

I am tired of it. But that's the way life is, and despite how much I try, it will never change. That is the way society is.

Be positive, and people don't see that you're in pain. Show your pain, and people don't want to deal with it, or think you're just "attention seeking". Twenty eight years old, and all this time all I've ever heard was "it will get better". No. I'm too far gone for that to even be possible anymore. Unless god shows up and waves a magic wand, that isn't going to happen. I can't see anything about life beyond sorrow and despair from being alone anymore. Regardless of how much I try to find something, I am just simply shot down by others. The only encouragement I ever truely receive is false hope that just causes more pain on it's own. I can't even look at 'friends' anymore without just knowing that they will never be what I need them to be.

Worse is, the only actual giving up is death. And until that happens, this pain will never cease.

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I'm already on disability. I have been for a while. But that isn't enough. Regardless of funds or w/e "support" i have, without the aid of somoene else, it's all useless.

Joining groups for help isn't going to do anything along the lines of encouraging me to want to continue to exist. Even if it were possible to have people take care of all my difficulties, it isn't what I truly need.

I have been in groups before, and I do not receive the attentiveness I need. I'm just another patient/member.

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I've mentioned them in the past.... but overall the issue is that I' extremely disociative. To the point that I lose awareness of what I'm doing around me. Without someone to follow, or to poke at me once in a while, i'll completely get lost in whatever i'm doing.

I've been diagnosed with ADHD, bi-polar disorder, and schizoaffective disorder.

But I also have maladaptive daydreaming, and fantasy prone-personality disorder. Coupled with DID.

I have very minimal awareness to the outside world. But I do know that when I do have someone with me, I can manage. But if I'm on my own, that is just simply not possible. The issues is, I just don't have anyone that will do that. At all.

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My diagnosis is sometimes schizoaffective now too, it depends on who I see. Othertimes it is paranoid schizophrenia with a mood disorder. Apparently my psychiatrist and counselor don't agree, lol. The coping strategy I used until my 30's (pentecostal Christianity, the voices were supposedly demons) I don't really recommend to anyone, but if one worked to an extent then there are probably others too. I'm sorry you go through this too, and good luck.

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It definitely sounds like you are not getting your social needs met.

If you can't get the attention you deserve/need, then perhaps the best solution is to work on being more OK with your isolation. Isolation isn't something you should feel while in a support group. The difference between isolation and inclusion when sitting in a room full of people is often just our own perception. This world has many people reaching out for human connection, and in that respect you are not alone.

There is more wisdom to be gained by your unique perspective, and therefore, more coping mechanisms inside of you. Finding them won't be easy, but I believe it is an eventuality for you, eventually.

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I was finally diagnosed with schizo five years ago, but it's always been there. (rare, i know). Up until then, people didn't really get it, and I was just thought to be a problematic person. It was only then that things actually fell into place, and my living environment at home became peaceful. Up until then, I was even always having conflict with my mother due to my inefficiencies.

If you can't get the attention you deserve/need, then perhaps the best solution is to work on being more OK with your isolation.

Not going to happen. This is no better words I like to hear than "You are not alone". Not eating is not a solution to being hungry. I've had this issue since my earliest teenage years, and it's just a natural part of me. Before that, I got all the attention i could want, but it was all negative.

It's not really just about not being alone, or having someone take care of me. It's about validating my existence and finding a reason to care. WIthout anyone else to hold me here, I really have no reason to not just end it, as the pain and struggle is far worse than any benefit.. Which at this time being, there are no benefits.

I've spent my life devoting myself to helping people, but the problem is it's not enough, because I have nothing I can give people.

Support groups are only depressing in that respect. I seem to see all kinds of "care" being given, but it is not enough. Acquaintances, friends, and therpists are not going to fill that emptiness.

All the people I'm familiarized with that I can even close to friends are married now. It seems that's true for everyone around me, or they're in a relationship. People even talking about relationships is agonizing to me, and quite often a trigger for wanting suicide. It's something I need, but I know well something I'll never be able to have.

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Yeah.. me again. Same thing. Always is.

I cry out to the world that I'm in pain, and people seem to hear it, but as soon as I stop, i'm completely forgotten. I do what I can to help others in need because i wish someone would do the same for me. I think and worry about other people when they aren't speaking to me. But they do not do the same for me.

What are you supposed to do when the entire world just simply doesn't get it?

I am disabled for life, and it's been that way since birth. I've always had difficulties, and I'm always going to be dependent on others. That can't be helped. I cannot live with my mother for the rest of my life, and once that time is over, i've got nowhere to go. No one who will care. I shout out in all places I can, and again, people seem to speak in response, but ultimately no one is going to go a little further than words.

I'm not saying that everyone is blame for this. I can't expect people go out of their way for no reason to help me, obviously. That won't happen. But that's where I'm trapped. Because it never will.

I have never had anyone in life that looked at me as more than an acquantance, and when it comes down to it, the only people I'm even on a list of priorities to is my mother.

I have times where I get severely dedicated, and become social, and do what I can in a positive light, but in those times no one sees it. "just a happy friend" (a friend that apparently doesn't require you to make any effort in keeping, because i do ALL the work myself...)

Every friendship I have is one sided. I am ALWAYS the one speaking. ALWAYS the one thinking of others. ALWAYS the first.

I am tired of it. But that's the way life is, and despite how much I try, it will never change. That is the way society is.

Be positive, and people don't see that you're in pain. Show your pain, and people don't want to deal with it, or think you're just "attention seeking". Twenty eight years old, and all this time all I've ever heard was "it will get better". No. I'm too far gone for that to even be possible anymore. Unless god shows up and waves a magic wand, that isn't going to happen. I can't see anything about life beyond sorrow and despair from being alone anymore. Regardless of how much I try to find something, I am just simply shot down by others. The only encouragement I ever truely receive is false hope that just causes more pain on it's own. I can't even look at 'friends' anymore without just knowing that they will never be what I need them to be.

Worse is, the only actual giving up is death. And until that happens, this pain will never cease.

What is it that you want, specifically?

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What is it that you want, specifically?

To truly be shown that I exist, and that I'm important? To be shown that this existence isn't just a prison?

I feel like when I got lost, it's just a shrug of the shoulders to people, and that I'm not really that important. I am constantly lying in my bed in sorrow with no one to even speak to. No one to even hear my words, or be concerned. There is only one person in this world that thinks of me in their own time, and that is my mother. No one else.

I constantly see/hear about people going out of their way for someone, and it's a little painful knowing that no one but my mother does or will ever do that for me. Why everyone else? Why not me? I am trying to the best of my capabilities, and it is not enough.

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What is it that you want, specifically?

To truly be shown that I exist, and that I'm important? To be shown that this existence isn't just a prison?

I feel like when I got lost, it's just a shrug of the shoulders to people, and that I'm not really that important. I am constantly lying in my bed in sorrow with no one to even speak to. No one to even hear my words, or be concerned. There is only one person in this world that thinks of me in their own time, and that is my mother. No one else.

I constantly see/hear about people going out of their way for someone, and it's a little painful knowing that no one but my mother does or will ever do that for me. Why everyone else? Why not me? I am trying to the best of my capabilities, and it is not enough.

What does that look like to you? In your mind, what specifically do you picture when you think of someone showing you you are important? What are they doing?

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What is it that you want, specifically?

To truly be shown that I exist, and that I'm important? To be shown that this existence isn't just a prison?

I feel like when I got lost, it's just a shrug of the shoulders to people, and that I'm not really that important. I am constantly lying in my bed in sorrow with no one to even speak to. No one to even hear my words, or be concerned. There is only one person in this world that thinks of me in their own time, and that is my mother. No one else.

I constantly see/hear about people going out of their way for someone, and it's a little painful knowing that no one but my mother does or will ever do that for me. Why everyone else? Why not me? I am trying to the best of my capabilities, and it is not enough.

What does that look like to you? In your mind, what specifically do you picture when you think of someone showing you you are important? What are they doing?

Being Present.

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What is it that you want, specifically?

To truly be shown that I exist, and that I'm important? To be shown that this existence isn't just a prison?

I feel like when I got lost, it's just a shrug of the shoulders to people, and that I'm not really that important. I am constantly lying in my bed in sorrow with no one to even speak to. No one to even hear my words, or be concerned. There is only one person in this world that thinks of me in their own time, and that is my mother. No one else.

I constantly see/hear about people going out of their way for someone, and it's a little painful knowing that no one but my mother does or will ever do that for me. Why everyone else? Why not me? I am trying to the best of my capabilities, and it is not enough.

What does that look like to you? In your mind, what specifically do you picture when you think of someone showing you you are important? What are they doing?

Being Present.

What are they doing if they are being present? Where are they? In your room? In your home? Living room? Watching t.v.? Playing chess? Are you out somewhere with someone?

Edited by Lifeintheslowlane
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I'm not sure what the point is in trying to get me to imagine one specific moment in time with someone.

And as someone who is prone to dissociative dreaming as I am, fantasizing about something like this only makes me see what I'm never going to have, which is not much different than waving that carrot on a stick in front of me. I can continue to imagine and dream, and wish all i want, but that is not going to solve the problem that is.

I have spent my lifetime trapped in nothing but dreams. That is what I am trying to get OUT of. It's a poison that has killed me over and over again, and it one of the things I need someone to pull me out of.

Edited by Lumessence
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I was finally diagnosed with schizo five years ago, but it's always been there. (rare, i know). Up until then, people didn't really get it, and I was just thought to be a problematic person. It was only then that things actually fell into place, and my living environment at home became peaceful. Up until then, I was even always having conflict with my mother due to my inefficiencies.

If you can't get the attention you deserve/need, then perhaps the best solution is to work on being more OK with your isolation.

Not going to happen. This is no better words I like to hear than "You are not alone". Not eating is not a solution to being hungry. I've had this issue since my earliest teenage years, and it's just a natural part of me. Before that, I got all the attention i could want, but it was all negative.

It's not really just about not being alone, or having someone take care of me. It's about validating my existence and finding a reason to care. WIthout anyone else to hold me here, I really have no reason to not just end it, as the pain and struggle is far worse than any benefit.. Which at this time being, there are no benefits.

I've spent my life devoting myself to helping people, but the problem is it's not enough, because i have nothing i can give people

Support groups are only depressing in that respect. I seem to see all kinds of "care" being given, but it is not enough. Acquaintances, friends, and therpists are not going to fill that emptiness.

All the people I'm familiarized with that I can even close to friends are married now. It seems that's true for everyone around me, or they're in a relationship. People even talking about relationships is agonizing to me, and quite often a trigger for wanting suicide. It's something I need, but I know well something I'll never be able to have.

whooooah, stop right there...

you are good at getting right to the nitty gritty of other peoples problems, as i recall in a PM you sent me.

so put that in your pipe and smoke it.

last i heard you was making friends online quite well.

so you have failed now because of what?

because people are not there for you?

yeh it sucks, i don't know if it's intentional on their behalf, only you would know...

but at least you know you need to change your perceptions of at least one thing, that you have a gift of helping others put their problems into perspective.

i vote that u train as a zen master and teach others to become more present.

sutra. leadership in action :tounge:

Edited by sutra
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I was finally diagnosed with schizo five years ago, but it's always been there. (rare, i know). Up until then, people didn't really get it, and I was just thought to be a problematic person. It was only then that things actually fell into place, and my living environment at home became peaceful. Up until then, I was even always having conflict with my mother due to my inefficiencies.

If you can't get the attention you deserve/need, then perhaps the best solution is to work on being more OK with your isolation.

Not going to happen. This is no better words I like to hear than "You are not alone". Not eating is not a solution to being hungry. I've had this issue since my earliest teenage years, and it's just a natural part of me. Before that, I got all the attention i could want, but it was all negative.

It's not really just about not being alone, or having someone take care of me. It's about validating my existence and finding a reason to care. WIthout anyone else to hold me here, I really have no reason to not just end it, as the pain and struggle is far worse than any benefit.. Which at this time being, there are no benefits.

I've spent my life devoting myself to helping people, but the problem is it's not enough, because i have nothing i can give people

Support groups are only depressing in that respect. I seem to see all kinds of "care" being given, but it is not enough. Acquaintances, friends, and therpists are not going to fill that emptiness.

All the people I'm familiarized with that I can even close to friends are married now. It seems that's true for everyone around me, or they're in a relationship. People even talking about relationships is agonizing to me, and quite often a trigger for wanting suicide. It's something I need, but I know well something I'll never be able to have.

whooooah, stop right there...

you are good at getting right to the nitty gritty of other peoples problems, as i recall in a PM you sent me.

so put that in your pipe and smoke it.

last i heard you was making friends online quite well.

so you have failed now because of what?

because people are not there for you?

yeh it sucks, i don't know if it's intentional on their behalf, only you would know...

but at least you know you need to change your perceptions of at least one thing, that you have a gift of helping others put their problems into perspective.

i vote that u train as a zen master and teach others to become more present.

sutra. leadership in action :tounge:

Aint that the truth....

I'm often not much more than a tool, unfortunately. And once i've done my purpose, i'm no longer needed.

I'll be honest. I don't want to force anyone to be stuck with me for life when there are many other people out there that won't be slowing them down with what they need in life. I'm realistic in that sense, and i have a subtle knack of turning people away from me... In all realism, i'm setting the stage with my own rules, and then trying to fight them.

What you said made me recall something that I had forgotten about my teenage years....

thoughout my teenage years, I prevented two girls from committing suicide be being there for them, enough to bring positive outlook in their life long enough for them to fall into a relationship with a guy that brought them out of their depression. I was a crutch, you could say.. But I don't really feel used in that sense.

Obviously in my teenage years I was frustrated that I wasn't able to keep them, but I at least recognized what they needed....

I can be present for people... But that's about it... When people need hope, comfort, etc.. I exist.. But when they don't need that, I really don't have anything to offer. Beyond that point, there are just other guys out there that can give them what they need that I just simply can't.

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  • 4 months later...

Can't live and can't die.

Trapped enduring a frustrated limbo for the rest of my life.

I am starting think people just don't believe until it's proved that people mean what they say. You don't mean it until you're dead.

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