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rhyl

Really Angry And Really Upset

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Ha. Thats only to be expected. I hope you don't mind me bringing it up (tell me if you do) but I think thats when PTSD is very relevant. Especially if previous trauma has been betrayal trauma. I think the connections or triggers can be endlessly complex. I am pretty logical too and so figured that I had it worked out on a cognitive level before but recently had a week or two when my symptoms went right down for the first time. I was astonished to see how much safer I thought everyone was. And that's compared to when I hadn't had anything setting me off more intensely. The other feelings you are feeling dont fit in the present situation and they therefore will be about the past and are important. In many ways difficult present events can help us process things from the past and they we can gain self awareness and healing from them.

I hope you can be very patient and kind to yourself whilst you work through this. Keep reminding yourself that there are many safe people in the world. And try to get more meds!

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This was really helpful, Fizzle. I never think of myself as having PTSD, even though I do. And lots of my previous trauma was betrayal trauma. There's so much coming up right now, so much from the past that was triggered by this one incident. I never expected that.

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Rhyl, I think it can be enormously helpful to understand more about PTSD in context to ourselves when we have it. I found it hard but helpful. When I could understand the mechanisms that are in action it helps me feel less overwhelmed by it. It makes sense of things which otherwise seem crazy to me. Then I realise my response is entirely normal in context to the situation and the past. Emotional flashbacks are extremely confusing if you don't realise what is happening. You'll probably find that 98% of what you are feeling right now has nothing to do with your pdoc. See if you can do some grounding and then hopefully you can work through some of this with your t and use this as a way of healing. Hang in there. I think absolutely anyone who has betrayal trauma would find a situation like this triggering.

Edited by Fizzle

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OMG. I found out tonight that the records that my psychiatrist sent to my therapist went back only to 2011 (I've been seeing him since 1999 or 2000) AND they contained NO discharge notes.

I am so mad.

I feel completely (and more than before) dismissed. Disregarded. Treated like on the bottom of his shoe. How am I supposed to even think about getting care if he isn't going to provide all my information to a new doctor???

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rhyl,

That is not acceptable. I'm sure it can be resolved. Lets hope its one of the useless secretaries fault. I wonder what is going on with this guy?! It makes me think there is drama happening there.

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Yeah, here's the thing, Fizzle. He's the CMO and ultimately responsible for whatever they do with my stuff. He sent me the letter originally, he made the decision in the first place. I don't care if he's got a whole Broadway musical going on there - I can't keep chasing around after these stupid idiots and I can't live like this anymore.

Thank you for being so kind.

I. can't. do. it. anymore.

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He is certainly responsible no matter what and no matter what is happening in his life too! They are real gems aren't they?! Maybe write a vent letter right now and burn it. Then you can do a real one tomorrow. is there anyone you can get to help you with the doing parts?

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What I would recommend rhyl is to find supportive MH services in your area and forget the shrinks. They are way too expensive for what you get out of it, IMO. I've worked with shrinks a lot - not a big fan.

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What I would recommend rhyl is to find supportive MH services in your area and forget the shrinks. They are way too expensive for what you get out of it, IMO. I've worked with shrinks a lot - not a big fan.

I hear you, but my experience with the community MH services is rather poor. Besides, I actually *need* an experienced psychopharmocologist because my depression is treatment resistant and I have a ton of other medical issues. Community MH services around here are generally staffed with social workers who don't have a clue what they're doing (and I have a wonderful therapist) and maybe 1 psychiatrist who doesn't know is *ss from a hole in the ground.

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I'm sure everybody is super tired of hearing about this, but I have nowhere else to go with this right now. My stupid therapist is still on break and not answering emails and, even though I see him on Monday, I'm not sure I'm going to want to talk to him. But that's another story.

Over a month ago I sent a letter to 3 members of the board of the facility where my ex-pdoc works, explaining what happened and expressing my dissatisfaction and disappointment with him and the predicament he left me in. I never received any sort of response. I don't want anything, except an acknowledgement. I think the fact that nobody has responded, along with everything else (my therapist not responding to me the past couple of weeks and being on break and breaking up with my bf), has contributed to my feeling so bad the last few weeks.

I know I should just let it go. But...I can't. See, I'm having problems now, I think, with the Prozac. All I have to rely on is my GP, who I don't trust to deal with my psych meds. I can't afford to look for another pdoc (not to mention the trust issues there) and to go through all the initial and follow-up med visits with him/her. I have NO idea what I'm supposed to do. I feel like he compromised my care and my health in a huge way. I'm still so mad because I feel like I'm screaming for help and nobody is hearing me.

I don't know what to do.

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Hi Rhyl - I hope you can express how abandoned you have been feeling at your T appointment tomorrow. I am sorry the support has been lacking, especially when you have so much going on.

I don't understand the lack of response from the board - you would think at the very, very least you would get an "acknowledgement of receipt" type letter. Would you ever consider sending It again and asking them to please confirm in writing that they received your correspondence? Do you think it would help for you to know they heard you and read your letter? It absolutely does not take away from the way you were mistreated, which I feel very bad about. Maybe a second request would also kickstart someone actually addressing your concerns and not leaving your letter in a pending folder somewhere. That would be even better than acknowledgement - to actually get a response to the concerns you raised....

Anyway, I wanted you to know I was thinking about you and hope the appointment tomorrow is helpful.

Edited by Thimble

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Hi Rhyl - I hope you can express how abandoned you have been feeling at your T appointment tomorrow. I am sorry the support has been lacking, especially when you have so much going on.

I don't understand the lack of response from the board - you would think at the very, very least you would get an "acknowledgement of receipt" type letter. Would you ever consider sending It again and asking them to please confirm in writing that they received your correspondence? Do you think it would help for you to know they heard you and read your letter? It absolutely does not take away from the way you were mistreated, which I feel very bad about. Maybe a second request would also kickstart someone actually addressing your concerns and not leaving your letter in a pending folder somewhere. That would be even better than acknowledgement - to actually get a response to the concerns you raised....

Anyway, I wanted you to know I was thinking about you and hope the appointment tomorrow is helpful.

Thank you for responding, Thimble. This is actually one of rhyl's alters. She's having some difficulty right now. Our therapy session this morning was difficult, but rhyl did talk to him about her feelings of abandonment. Those were increased on Saturday when a good friend she was supposed to get together with after work didn't show up because she forgot. Except for this forum, she is feeling completely unsupported, and very angry. I'm afraid she's lost all trust in everyone, as well.

As for the board of the center where our ex-pdoc works, I rather think it might be a better idea to find someone else to send the letter to, someone outside the center. I'm wondering if you might have any suggestions in that regard?

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I feel like an incredible pest. But no one here knows how incredibly grateful I am that this place exists. I feel completely without support right now. My friend that I was supposed to meet on Saturday didn't show up - I tried reaching her, and when she finally got back with me, she told me she forgot we were getting together. It's the 3rd time in a row she's cancelled. Then I saw my therapist on Monday and it just felt...bad. I had trouble talking, I couldn't look at him. I was so mad and so depressed and I didn't want to be there. I wasn't there 10min when I started to cry, and then I couldn't stop. He was sooo nice, and he knew I was mad and he said maybe I could talk about being mad at him because it was safe there and he promised he wasn't going anywhere, but I just couldn't.

I don't know how to get past the lack of trust. It's so strong. And the anger is intense, along with the depression. It doesn't feel like it's ever going to get better.

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Hi there - I am glad you were able to speak about how hurt and abandoned you were feeling. I didn't respond yesterday because I wanted to think of who would be best to send a copy of your letter to. Is there a medical association/board for your state/province or country?

Did you book another appointment with your therapist? Did he seem willing to work harder to rebuild the trust that was lost? You deserve someone in real life too, who has your back and can offer unconditional support.

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Rhyl,

you are so not a pest. Very far from it. You are dealing with an enormous amount at present. I would so be right by you in my reactions if I was in your situation. I truly feel for you.

I have no doubt you will get that trust back with your t. All the hard work you have done and the successes you have had are not gone. You have merely hit a speed bump. A really bad painful one. This may even help you work through some of that old abandonment pain once you get through this. Ignore if that isn't useful. I do that with myself sometimes and sometimes it works. Triggers are always a potential tool to getting better as long as we are not retraumatised by them.

I so understand not being able to speak or trust or look at someone. Even someone that part of my mind knows is trustworthy. Your t is the same t he was before. He is imperfect but he obviously cares very much for you and has helped you a lot. He can help again too. Maybe it is OK to just accept that it is going to take a little time for you to get all the trust back. Sometimes doing affirmations helps a little for me. Even something like, "Bob is the same Bob he always was".

I know that one of the worst things for me with not speaking is obsessing about not speaking. I'm afraid I am never able not to. The obsessing makes it way worse as the more pressure I put on myself the worse it gets. I find acceptance very hard with this.

Can you find an outlet for some of the anger maybe? I have to say I am shocked at the incompetence of the pdoc practice. It makes me wonder if there is something wrong there. Its pretty extreme. I don't know how it works there but is there a body you could report them too? Could you give them an ultimatum and say you will report them if you haven't received your treatment record by ...... ? Just a thought. See what you think.

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