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Dissociation And Feeling Like Two People.


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I know I am one person. I feel, however, like two people. Unfortunately for me, this isn't just in theory. I actually feel like two people - two versions of reality going on at the same time. I don't know which one is true, which is a dissociation, maybe they both have some validity. They are very much the opposite of one another - one crippled with self-doubt and one oddly sure of things. I sense them in different parts of my brain and/or body.

It is exhausting, truly, this lack of integration. When I do feel more integrated, it's a great feeling. But usually I feel so separated.

Ironically, I'm known for being calm, cool and rational, as if I know what I'm talking about. It is just a coping mechanism for the chaos, however. I'm generally so unsure emotionally what is going on, I have to use rigid logic to guide my behaviour. That only works when I don't spend much time with someone ... I wouldn't be able to keep that up in the long run if I spent a long period of time with the same people. That scares me and also comforts me - I know I can be stable if I use this strategy and that feels good. But I can't be content or healthy with this strategy, and connected to others, and that scares me.

I don't know what is in my psyche or emotions at a deep level, and I never have. I started using this coping mechanism quite early - by age 12 for sure it was probably fairly ingrained, this use of logic to get by due to overwhelming confusion emotionally.

To dig through this, I have to use emotions as a guide and I am not used to that. I'm f****king 40 years old. It's embarrassing to have the kinds of questions about people and life that a 12 year-old would understand.

I've known I have a dissociative problem, major problem, for 20 years when I had a brutal nervous breakdown and things got so chaotic in my head that I had to choose a rigid set of behavioural rules to follow with people in order to stay stable. Those rules seem more in my head, as a way of avoiding the emotional rules that I really am very, very, very uncomfortable with.

Anyone know what I'm talking about? About actually feeling like there is more than one person inside ... and it isn't just in theory. It really feels that way. It isn't an academic argument where you say, "Oh, I get that humans are complex and we are all capable of different personas" - it's an actual sense of more than one persona, and they argue, and debate, and fight and mess with each other and you sense both of them, sometimes at the same time, sometimes at different times? And you are trying to dig through to sort out your truth, whatever it may be as long as it is truth and authentic and not some fake truth, but you don't know what is authentic and what is fake - and you think maybe there's some truth to both of them, and how to cope and be consistent, both internally and socially?

Edited by Lifeintheslowlane
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Yes I relate to a lot of what you describe although it may of course be different as there are many nuances with this stuff.. It's much better at present which is a shock and seems to have waned with my PTSd symptoms.

I have also done a lot of work on various things which have helped some aspects of this.

Edited by Fizzle
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Well, it sounds very familiar to me, but I'm multiple - diagnosed with DID. What I thought of when I read this was one alter and me in particular. She is very cool, calm, holds no emotion at all, and very efficient in everything she does. When I'm having a bad day - I'm upset, anxious, depressed, scattered - she often steps in to help. Sometimes she does so *literally.* She takes over and I go inside for awhile. But sometimes, we are coconscious, kind of side-by-side. There are definitely two of us functioning at the same time, then, and it can be a bit disconcerting, although over the years I've learned (or maybe adjusted to is a better way to say it) to sort of step back when that other part of me is around, if I recognize that that part of me needs to be in control. We all have many different parts of ourselves that hold different skills and abilities; sometimes, though, those parts in some of us seem to be a little more loosely connected because of a trauma or the way we've had to deal with things growing up. I think part of the trick is to accept that we have different parts and try to honor what they do for us.

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  • 7 years later...

I think what you're talking about is osdd 1a, its like Dissociative Identity Disorder, but the “parts” or “alters” aren’t totally their own people like DID alters are; they could represent more of the original person’s different emotional response states or represent the original person. alters are just the same person. Thats just what i am i hope that helps

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