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Time For A Change


tenshu

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Hi all,

I have written this out numerous times now, I guess what I want to say is I am depressed & suffer from anxiety issues, I have done for the last 14 years. I've become almost completely isolated socially, I'm unable to hold down a job, I'm constantly tired and angry, I can't (won't) talk to anyone and must just seem like a lazy ungrateful person. To try an counteract these issues I have abused illegal drug and avoided all responsibility and challenge.

It has now resulted in me living at my parents home at the age of 32, in massive debts and I can't even bring myself to go to the doctor out of fear that they will just dismiss me. The one time I managed to open up was to my family, they didn't seem to take it seriously and adopted the 'tough love' approach which has made me feel like a complete failure as I can't even pay my poor parents any rent.

Reading this post even makes me cringe as I feel I'm blaming everything else but me for my problems. Do I even have depression? Or am I just making excuses as to why I'm so lazy?

I want to get help but saying it to the Doctor or anyone makes me anxious that they will not take me seriously, what shall I do?

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Hi Tenshu!

Just read your post and want to say how sorry I am that you are going through all the things you mentioned. Wow, that's a lot to handle!

I don't find "blaming" to very helpful in life. I think it is rare when a person brings full awareness and the full weight of their free will to bear on choices. There are so many forces working on us, many unconscious forces from our earliest childhood. There are also powerful fears, contrary wishes, compulsions and other forces limiting the full exercise of our freedom. What limits freedom limits responsibility too since they are connected.

None of us is an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-seeing, all-perfect Being. We are often doing the best we can even if we think we are not. Some behaviors which seem to come 100% from our deepest core as human beings often are affected by powerful forces, psychological forces we may not even be aware of. It is customary in many cultures to judge others and judge oneself harshly. I do not think you are an ungrateful or lazy person or that you avoid challenges and responsibility. You are a complex person with a rich personality and personal history, multifaceted and deep. You cannot be summed up in words like "lazy," "ungrateful" and so on. Those words over-simplify you to the point of untruth and misrepresentation. I am sure you have done trillions of ambitious, grateful, kind, good and beautiful things in your life. Trillions. Sometimes in a low mood those things can seem to disappear or not exist but they are real.

This is why getting medical advice is so important.

It used to be that people thought they made unhelpful decisions in their life and became depressed as a result. But now many specialists feel that depression often precedes unhelpful decision-making. It is often depression that influences us to make unhelpful decisions.

A person is made up of so many trillions of aspects and events. If I tried to paint a rainbow but could only use the color black, it would be difficult if not really impossible to do a rainbow justice. Often in the low mood, we want to paint a portrait of ourselves that leaves out all our good points, all our strengths, all the trillions of wonderful things we are and do. Everyone has things about themselves that they would like to change. But that is different from painting a portrait of ourselves and leaving out trillions of essential elements. Do you know what I mean Tenshu?

I often try to rescue animals in trouble. Sometimes a bird can't fly anymore because of permanently damaged wings. It cannot get food or water or avoid predators. But to me, that bird still has an intrinsic worth and dignity which can never be taken away from it by the circumstances of life. Life is tough for human beings. There are all kinds of things working against us. No one can really judge you because no one is in your shoes. People might be hard on you in their minds but they cannot really know what you face as you! They are not you.

I wish I could offer something really practical. Sorry. Hopefully someone else on the Forum will have better words for you today! I am sending good thoughts your way!!!

Edited by Epictetus
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Thank you so much for replying, reading your post has actually helped a lot, I realise I've been in a perpetual cycle, I hit a real low point, try and self help, feel a bit better then start to regress back into sadness.

I have in fact really tried hard to beat this for many years and blamed myself for my failures, I think it's dawned on me that I might not be able to fix it by myself.

I've put off talking to my doctor for so long despite knowing they can help, I've been in bad ways physically (unable to breath, heart beating so hard it shakes the bed) and still don't bring myself to the doctors as I fear talking about my sadness. I know what you mean & what you say is true, rationally I know I am a nice, ethical person full of complexities, I also feel this contributes to my depression. I hate the way some people and animals are treated, I feel overwhelmed by emotion seeing suffering, I can't even bring myself to eat meat or fish or even watch the news sometimes.

Tomorrow I should book an appointment, I have done it a few times before but never turned up.

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erghh, was so tired today and attempted to do some work, kept failing and got so stressed out I smashed my room up. Now just feeling really sad and full of self loathing.

I don't even know what I'm doing with my life anymore.

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I know it sounds cliche, but I find it best to remind myself "One day at a time". Which is hard when you feel so out of whack. You need to speak to a doctor, tell them you have depressive episodes that are not going away. Did you keep your appointment? What did they say? You are not lazy, you have a illness that needs help.

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I know it sounds cliche, but I find it best to remind myself "One day at a time". Which is hard when you feel so out of whack. You need to speak to a doctor, tell them you have depressive episodes that are not going away. Did you keep your appointment? What did they say? You are not lazy, you have a illness that needs help.

Hi, thanks for your support. My appointment is tomorrow morning and I'm kind of dreading it. I'm not exactly the most open person and emotions aren't usually my favourite topic for discussion, especially my bad ones.

That being said I need to change and 14 years of trying to do it by myself hasn't worked, it has gradually got worse, so I'll find a way to beat the anxiety and go.

Sounds so weird to fear a doctors appointment, especially when you have nothing to worry about physically :)

Edited by tenshu
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Trust me I fear my doctors appointments every time I go because I know what she is going to say. But I have learned to take it in stride. No problem by the way, if you ever need to talk I am here! I don't normally like to open up emotionally either, but am now at the point where I am letting all of my issues air out and hoping to heal somehow. I need to get my life back in order and deal with my past, as it just keeps getting in the way of my future.

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See! Wasn't so bad was it! I am happy for you! You should start to feel a bit better in a couple weeks when the medication starts to kick in! :)

Yup, I'm not going to look up the medication as I don't want the nocebo effect, Dr said it might have a relaxing effect at first which might help me sleep.

I feel a bit apathetic today, I thought I would break down at the Doctors, but didn't really have an emotional reaction.

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Yes good idea on not looking up the medication, I have made the mistake of looking up my medications and I swear it does more harm than good. I am on the same medication and I think it is a good choice.

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Yes good idea on not looking up the medication, I have made the mistake of looking up my medications and I swear it does more harm than good. I am on the same medication and I think it is a good choice.

Yes, it's actually a bad idea, it's refereed to as the nocebo effect as in the opposite to the placebo effect, we look up the possible side effects and thus experience them.

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Yes I have definitely done that in the past. :( But I try not to look up the side effects or anything anymore. I am bad in general at googling stuff like symptoms, and it is so true what they say, you google something and the next thing you know you think you are dying.

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This kind of feels like you're on ex or MDMA, been nauseas and very spaced out and had a very rough nights sleep. Taking a break from work so my body can get used to the medication.

I ended up looking up the side effects as I was definitely experiencing some, what I read suggested these a prominent in the first few days to a week and then subside.

Overall though, nothing too bad, keep clenching my jaw like I'm high and it kind of triggers past rave memories, which is fun. No change in mood but not expecting that for a few weeks.

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It is hard, especially when you are experiencing some of the side effects. I am glad you are going to keep taking them because usually with anti-depressants symptoms can sometimes be worse before they get better.

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It is hard, especially when you are experiencing some of the side effects. I am glad you are going to keep taking them because usually with anti-depressants symptoms can sometimes be worse before they get better.

Yes, it's worth it in the long run, I never slept at all last night, but on the upside I feel less nauseas today.

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I was going to say - in response to your dr's comment - that a good sleep is never something I have had at the beginning. In fact I am on the same meds and I find it much better taking them in the morning. It does help with sleep in general when things start getting balanced out though so hang in there. It is also normal to almost feel worse before you feel better. I find drinking plenty of water helps me too. It's good that you are getting some CBT too. :) Well done for going. Thats the hardest part.

Edited by Fizzle
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Congratulations on making it to your doctor appointment.

The first time I went in to talk to my doctor about being depressed once I got there I couldn't do it, so had to schedule an appointment for the next week.

You did very well making the appointment, keeping it, and having a doctor who listened and offered you some very good advice as well as prescribing some meds.

Good luck, you've started down a path towards healing. Just stay on the road. It won't be easy, sometimes you'll fall down, but keep talking to us and let us know how you are doing. When you fall there will be people here to pick you back up and get you moving once again.

Folks here are awesome, you just have to reach out and ask.

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Thanks for the support guys,

I am now taking them in the morning, sleep has improved a tiny bit each night. I think you're right that this seems to exaggerate the symptoms of your depression even more at the start, feeling very anxious, tired and spaced out.

Today I managed to take a walk and do a bit of study for work, every small step counts.

I have to say I'm kind of enjoying the buzz these things give you :poster_oops:

Edited by tenshu
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I know it sounds cliche, but I find it best to remind myself "One day at a time". Which is hard when you feel so out of whack. You need to speak to a doctor, tell them you have depressive episodes that are not going away. Did you keep your appointment? What did they say? You are not lazy, you have a illness that needs help.

I've found that this helps a lot. It's easy to blame yourself when your life doesn't turn around fast enough, but human beings are too complicated to have an easy on-off switch.

Every step counts, though, even if it's only a better understanding of what's going wrong.

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Feeling exhausted but insomnia feels like it's getting slightly better every time, last night I got to sleep quickly and only woke up a couple of times.

Never got a great sleep but this is noticeably better than day 1 and 2 of taking the tablets and we should focus on the positive over the negative, I've noticed that the rush or buzz these things gives you is making me restless in the day and night.

I managed to get a decent cardio session in, I must be feeling a bit more energised even if mentally I can't notice it, I'm going to try and do a tiny bit more work than yesterday despite just wanting to lie down, even if I can't concentrate or focus I've decided to at least try and get some positive things done each day, even if it's only personal hygiene, cleaning or chores.

Edited by tenshu
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Having a very low energy tired day today, insomnia was bad last night and today I'm in a daze.

Going to try and push through and get something done, anyone have similar symptoms with citalopram?

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