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Hi everybody... this is the first time I've started a thread since I've been on DF. This is yet another night where I can't sleep because I'm tortured by depression. I apologize in advance for any potential triggers. I have come to accept that very few people care about me. While I'm sure that some people do love me very much (my mother and my husband), they have other priorities in life and they don't understand my pain. I have no one to talk to. My depression is slowly eating away at me. I am dying inside and no one cares. I am 28 years old. I have no friends, no job because of a severe learning disability, no children, and I'm a mental/emotional wreck. I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder due to years of bullying and abuse of various kinds, including discrimination based on my race. I rarely leave my apartment anymore. I feel ugly and unworthy of love because of how I've been treated over the years. My husband loves me in his own way but he doesn't understand what I deal with on a daily basis. Sometimes he will try to comfort me, but at other times, he can be a bit insensitive. He thinks that I have a "woe is me" attitude when this is not the case. I'm not looking for pity...I simply need to feel that I matter to somebody in this world. The last attempt I made at therapy was a dismal failure. The therapist was not only uncaring but very cruel in her responses to anything I said. She didn't listen. If I can't even find a therapist who cares, there is no hope. My life means nothing. I mean nothing to anyone. My family never loved me. I've always been a joke to them. Before I met my husband, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship that scarred me deeply. I was abused in the same way by my stepfather, who continues to belittle me to this day. My biological father was never really involved in my life that much but now he calls me constantly...I'm hurt, angry, and confused. He was never there when I needed him most and now he is trying to make up for lost time. Where was he when my stepfather was hurting me and destroying me mentally, as well as emotionally? My mother also played a part in this because she stood by for years and allowed it to happen. This has had a profound impact on my mental/emotional health and my whole life. I've never had stability, security, and the things that many other people enjoy...friendships, a good job, and a sense of self-worth. My life is just a black hole. I will never be somebody in life. I'm a loser. Perhaps I deserve to be hurt. I'm sorry to complain. I know that others have it worse, but at the same time, I'm sick of having my pain ignored and minimized. I'm sick of being judged. I'm sick of being shunned and misunderstood and rejected. Most of all, I'm sick of life...even as I recognize that there is still some beauty in the world and I shouldn't take it for granted.
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So I have dealt with depression off and on for years...the more I read on here..I'm beginning to think it sounds more like being bipolar. Anyway, the main reason I joined this site is because I'm having a hard time dealing with the death of my niece. She was only 4 days old..and just so precious. My brother and his wife had little Miss Ainslee on January 20th and she passed away January 24th. She contracted GBS through delivery which ended up being bacterial meningitis and sepsis. I got to see her on the 23rd at the hospital. And on the 24th I got to hold her before they removed her ventilator..and after that I got to sit with my brother and his wife and their daughter after they removed the tubes and we sat with her until her last breathe. As excited as I was to have her here. . I feel guilty I didn't go see her the first day she was born. I feel horrible my husband and daughter..and the rest of our family didn't get to meet her. When I held her..I couldn't speak to her..in my mind I told her I loved her and how sorry I was that this happened to her. How even though my daughter and husband hadn't met her..they loved her so much as well. It's hard for me to not think about that day. Watching my young brother sit there with his child..whispering words of encouragement in her ear. To see him so happy she was finally here..this kid that turned into a man in the snap of finger..this man that would love this child and take care of her..a man that deserved this child and now she is gone. And I know that everything happens for a reason and God does have a plan and reason why he took her. And I know we'll get to see her again some day. It's hard..when I think about my own 3 year old daughter. If I had only had 4 days with her. I think about the pain my brother and his wife are in. Before this all happened..in July of 2011....my parents..after 25 years of marriage..divorced. My brother is 20 and I am 26. My brother had no idea it was coming..that day he cried and cried..two times within a year I've seen him cry. I one the other hand knew it was coming..and I thought since we were older it wouldn't really effect us as much..it did..just in a different way than it would for a younger kid. I guess the more it sunk in..the more I realized as I was growing up..I wanted my marriage to be like theirs. They rarely fought. . and seemed happy. Dad always worked..mom stayed home with us till we were in school then she worked...and took care of the house stuff. Until it all came out...they both had all this resentment towards each other all these years...for all sorts of things..they never talked about any of it..by the end they both just hated each other. But they ALWAYS but on a show for other people. They were ALWAYS happy around everyone and everyone was shocked when they found up they split. Now that the "ideal" marriage was broken for me..I automatically felt like I was failing at my own marriage. And we were doomed! We've had problems off and on..I believe now actually stem from my crazed moments..I'm not saying it's all my fault but defiantly take half the blame. Anyway, here lately I've been finding it easier to sit on the couch all day and do nothing. I am a stay at home mom with my 3 year old. Normally, I do my job with easy and do a good job. And usually very active with my daughter. But I can't seem to find any sort of motivation. I want to enroll in school in the fall..for some online classes, I also wanted to start a GBS website to raise awareness about GBS in memory of Ainslee..and a few other things I've thought about doing as well but just can't get the motivation to do anything. I've told my husband about all this and he asked me what he could do to make me feel better but I told him I didn't know. Because I don't really know...this time it's started to affect my sex drive. I used to have a very high sex drive..and with in the last month and a half..has basically gone to zero. Right now, we don't have health insurance..so it makes it difficult to go to the doctors. Right now, I do take synthroid for my thyroid problem...and adderal ..for ADD...have been on Paxil in the past..and seroquel which made me suicidal. I also take a baby aspirin daily..do to a DVT 2 months after my delivery with my daughter. It ran from the top of my right hip down to below my knee cap.. If anyone has any ideas or thoughts of somethings I can try by myself at home to make things better until I'm able to see my doctor. ..it would greatly be appreciated. Thank you
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Let me start from the beginning and god i hope this doesn't sound stupid. In school i was never popular.. Well. I never had like 20 friends.. I had friends, maybe like 6 or 7 but i never felt important in school.. I never felt wanted or needed.. I had plenty of girl friends but i was always nervous and always worried about things people were not even close to thinking about.. Only one girl made me feel comfortable. People in school were not nice and it did not help one bit. I was also a slow learner and i have ADHD. Not really hyper anymore like i was. I've calmed down a lot and grew out of it.. I graduated from high school and everything was fine there.. But now time has passed.. I had a hard time getting a job and often didn't have the enthusiasm or "spark" to really try and find one. I can't start college without a job and I'm not using student loans.. I got a job for about 5 months and then i got laid off. It sucked. Now i'm 22 and still trying to get a job.. Hoping i can start my life and move on.. But i feel like it's better for me to just "stop trying" and give up rather then trying. Which brings me to the reason i wrote this. For the longest time (as long as i can remember) I've always had a lot of anxiety but not to an extreme case. I don't worry my health will plummet and all else will fail. I mostly worry that people will think of me in a bad manner. Like i'm weird, or not equal to them. I also worry some one will see me as being dumb or stupid.. I also become intimidated easily which you can imagine is not good for the job world, but i do okay. I worry that i won't be able to support my self.. That i don't have what it takes to go in the real world and for the life of me i can't figure out why i feel like this.. I'm not overweight, or ugly. I'm a nice person if your nice to me. But i also believe these feelings, the way i think is slowly destroying me inside.. I can't stop but wonder what others will think and it makes me be and feel weird and yet i can't help it. I do things because i feel weird.. Yet it's what makes me feel weird in the first place!!! It also makes me feel very sad.. I will think how i may not be able to be as good as everyone else. Like no one will ever look up to me. In fact i can get so nervous my hands will shake but that does not happen often at all. I will actually put my self down thinking i am not as good or won't ever be successful and have a life of my own. So my questions to you is not a solution, because i know a solution will not be as easy as a Yahoo Answer or a forum post. Just tell me what you think is wrong.. I believe the only cure for this is to get what i'm afraid i can't get. To be happy and on my own.. With some one who loves me for me being me. to higher my self esteem and feel better about my over all well being. Break the barriers that make me like this. Some tell me i am just fine, that everyone goes through this and others will say i have depression and need to get it treated or looked at. But i don't know. The above was posted on Yahoo Answers a while ago and while i still got answers i was not pleased with the answers. So i figured I'd come to a much better place for that. The above is all true. I'm telling you this like your family. -
Well Basically Hi, My names ben Im 16 Ive had deppression for I dont even know, At least 2 years, as well as very severe social anxiety I dont know how to structure this Topic so I guess i'll start by saying stuff about me: (i'll underline the main important stuff if you dont feel like reading) About a month ago my girlfriend who I was with for over a year just completley changed and broke up with me (in a very very hurtful way) I feel so sad / weak / un motivated and alone all the time most of the time I can hardley be bothered to eat, and its making me very ill I completley hate myself, I think I am SO ugly, I have no self asteem or self confidence. I fear going outside because people will think im ugly or hate me or something and so I constantly hold my head down to avoid people seeing me. Im doing so bad in school because im too un motivated and preocupied by sadness I do have friends, but I never feel like they're my friends, sometimes it seems like loads of people like me and are all my friends, other times it seems no one wants to talk to me or do anything with me, usually its the latter. All my friends dont properly know me, no one does. and it seems like no one wants to properly know me. Everyone at school has different opinions about me, the majority is im "just some ****** who avoids people and always has his head down" thats pretty much the opinion of everyone not in my year, for people in my year many of them think of me as some weirdo, when i started developing these problems in secondary school I didnt know what to do, and I pretty much did act like a weirdo and was very attention seeking because i didnt know how to deal with this stuff or even talk to people properly, over the years up to know I got gradually less weird and attention seeking and more avoiding people. and So everyone I know thinks of me as some different person, That isnt even me at all. Despite my confidence and self asteem issues (which are mainly about my appearnce) I think that people will actually like the real me, But like ive said it seems to me that no one wants to get to know me, and I find it so so so so so hard to talk to people (not that anyone wants to talk to me at all) I am ashamed to say, The only way I can be at all social is with a drink. I know that is incredibly bad but Its so hard for me to talk to people and be around people and anything like that at all. I rarely am invited to hang out with friends but the times I am and there is alcohol involved, I can go and its fine and people like me. Once again I know its so bad! I know I shouldnt drink and I dont anymore. I wish I could be social without alcohol, I wish I was happy, I wish I could be social and had friends who wanted to know me and talk to me. just some extra info: im on sertraline (zoloft) and have counseling, neither of which seem to help, and I have many times attempted suicide Im just SO alone, I need someone to talk to, please I feel so alone. I know that if i could do something about my appearance it would majorly boost my confidence enough for me to be able to go in to the playground at break/lunch (instead of sitting somewhere crying) and talk to people, then maybe they might get to know me and maybe people can like me or whatever. But at the moment everything just seems so hopless. I feel so lonely. I cant take it! no one wants to talk to me!!! no one wants to know me!!! im so sad all the time!!! No one would ever want to be with me!!! all I do is sit at home being sad!! I HATE MY LIFE!!! :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( please can I have some people to talk to please :'( please :'( i need people to talk to :'(
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Hi Folks, I have been feeling a really desperate need to get a few thing down on paper on out for other people to view, people who aren't my wife and aren't going to charge me $135 am hour to tell me cognitive therapy is the answer to everything. Overall, I would say I have a good life, I am married, have a house, have had the same job for 12 years. But I have a lot of skeletons in my closet. When I was a preteen, I was a very sensitive guy, and such i got picked on a lot. I would come home crying every other day from getting picked on at at school. When I reached junior high, I found a group of people who accepted me (kind of), as long as I did drugs with them. I quickly found that a life constantly doped up on anything was better then any reality. I was using an illegal drug, drinking, taking any pill I could get my hands on, Anything to escape reality, cause reality just sucked for me. That went on for about 6 months,, and then I had a bad experience with an illegal drug, and that sparked my genetic disposition to Panic Disorder. I'm not talking just the shortness off breath type panic disorder, I am talking about the type of panic that made me hallucinate an lose bowel control. Good times. So my parents put me in rehab, and I saw a Pysche who put me on 1mg of xanax at the age of 13. The Xanax worked great for dealing with my panic, but he did nothing for helping me though me issues. We played chess. I am now 32, and finally weaned off the xanax at age 31. Now am battling serious issues of self worth, panic, and addition again. I started having really bad panic attacks again, so my GP put me on Klonopin. Now I am battling shaking this crap. I am typing this message on 60mg of valium just to keep the shakes at bay. My wife and I are trying to have a child, and I can't perform. It makes me feel comletly worthless. I want to be a father so bad it hurts. My job is completely dead end and I did not finish my college degree. Each day leaves a grey cloud potential unemployment over my head. I don't know how much more of this I or my wife can take. I am looking for a sympathetic ear. I just need someone t talk to. My wife is a chemical dependency counselor, inconveniently - so when I try and talk to her about this stuff the counselor mode comes on and flips all this crap right back on me. I would appreciate anyone willing to take the time to talk to me more. Jeff
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True love. We all hear about it. We all think about it. At times we all want it. I use to be that girl who thought true love was one of a kind, that everyone had a soulmate. I've had many crushes in the past, but I've only every had ONE boyfriend who i am still with. I am only 21. And I've always thought he was my true love, and I still want to think that he still is. I use to write romantic things about him...I could think at the top of my head reasons why I loved him so much. That's what I thought love was. You had to have reasons. I always asked him time and time again why he loved me, and he always slow to answer always had to think about it. When i asked him why he said "I just do, I love you, I just do. I don't see why I need a reason too state why i love you" like I always had to do with him. I never obsessed over him. I never thought of him day and night when we first met and then over the years I began obsessing not wanting him to be with others, getting extremely jealous even if he spoke to another woman even though deep down i knew it was silly. And I see now that it was. I have OCD but what part of it, I do not know. My family never got me fully diagnoised and until this day I suffer in silence because no one will listen. Was my love for him my obsessions? Did I love him because he followed my rules and when he started challenging them saying I was too controlling...was that when the love stopped? I know deep down that I still love him. I know OCD throws thoughts into ones head. Especially ROCD. But I can't bring myself to get jealous. Or I think that maybe i don't love him the way I thought I should. What if we're truly not compadable? Do I have to be jealous in order to love him? I don't know if this is ROCD or if is it something else. I want to believe it is my OCD throwing all these at me. I know it's silly, people say you don't find your true love so young...and then I look around and see people who are my age that i know who been with only one man their entire life and are getting married. I live in a family, where I see divorce and couples fighting all the time wondering...what is love now? People say love isn't thinking about it. It's just feeling. But what is feeling when you have thoughts running through your head that drive you insane? How long does this last? Will it fade? I know deep down i don't want him to be with anyone else. He's mine. No one deserves this kind hearted loving man but me. I don't even want to think of another person having him. But I can't bring the old jelaousy back...is that normal? They say some jelaous is normal, because it shows that you care for someone? Is that true? I use to think about him every waking moment of the day, and now i don't. Is that normal? I don't know what is anymore and I'm scared. I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life. I want it to fade and be a distant memory. I just want to feel again. Will i ever be happy with this man? Are we truly compadable? I know there are things we don't share in common but we also both love similiar things. Is that normal too? I know I love this man. I want to marry him. I use to fantasize about it everyday and now I can't bring those forward without doubting it. Sometimes I can get the fantasies and they make me happy knowing they are still there. There is still hope.... But I have this gremlin living inside me... Things I never found at fault before are getting to me about him. Why didn;t they before? Was I too hopelessly in love to have noticed? Or does this happen to everyone who loves someone? I find myself thinking "Will I be okay without him?" and it scares me. I ask myself "Would I care if he left me?" or "Would i care if something happened to him?" And this scares me. I use to panic about something happening to him and now I can't bring myself to worry. Why is this happening to me? Is this ROCD? Loving someone and yet not loving? I feel guilty. He deserves to be loved. He deserves to be loved by me. Why can't I return to the feelings of true love, soulmates, meant to be? Is there truly such a thing? Or is it all make-believe? I know we all set our own course and I've always set mine toward him. I fought to keep this man a year ago and some months later these thoughts just come out of the blue? I fight myself constantly. Trying to bring the feelings forward. Trying to remember what it was like before...but I can't. I can't force myself and I want too. Please, just go away. Bring the old me back. Where I can love, without feeling guilty, where I can smile without the guilt, where I can look at him without feeling the doubt. ROCD or not. What is true love?
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It's nearly Valentine's Day and this is probably the worst occasion even more than the Christmas holiday! I'm so lonely, sad and depressed!
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I'm 21 and I still live at home, well technically, I live with my grandparents. I've been living with them since I was 11 thanks to some complications with my mom after my parents divorce. (i'm the oldest of five kids, was always the one treated badly) and I've always been use to the negativity in this house until the last few years when it's been directed at me. Because of my problems it causes me and my family to clash, especially me and my grandmother because she is always telling me off. Saying, she understands I have problems but she expects me to just change them as if I could with the snap of my fingers. She's always yelling at me, or someone. I take the blunt of it since I live here. In all, she controls me. I can't go anywhere without her approval. I can't even go to the doctors alone to speak to him about my problems because she's in the room and starts laughing the moment I start explaining something to him. And the doctor believes her, not me. She is always saying everything is in my head, that I make myself this way. So my doctor just throws medication after medication at me telling me to try this and that without really listening to how I'm describing how I feel...not that I really can I don't like describing it in front of her because it's uncomfortable... They say you should be able to feel comfortable talking to "loved" ones like this but I can't. It's not just the controlling issues, and the laughing at me and scolded me for the way I am. It's taking everything out on me. Or the fact that she is always yelling or voice is raised or someone else is yelling and voice is raised. There is so much yelling in this house that I've come to sitting with earplugs in my ears just to try and escape it. Some part of me wonders how I would cope if I was in a calm quiet enviroment...
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Hi all, I'm brand-new here. I've known about the Depression Forums for a couple of years and have "lurked" as a guest a few times but never joined until now. It's nice to be here. I was recently "officially" diagnosed with severe recurrent depression and moderate to severe GAD. I've been on various meds for about 20 years. I'm pretty stable and relatively content, all things considered. I'm a recovering addict and have built a strong support network via therapy and 12 step meetings. One victory in my life is that I used to struggle with severe driving phobia, which I'm managed to pretty much overcome. I still have my days with it, but it doesn't rule my life the way it used to. I'm looking forward to getting to know some people here, esp. folks who struggle with anxiety. That's a MUCH bigger problem for me now than depression. It's funny, because it used to be the other way around. I'm rarely suicidal like I used to be a lot, and that's also a huge blessing. Nice to meet you all. -
Hi, I apologize in advance if this issue has been addressed on a different thread, but I searched and couldn't find what I was looking for. I've been on Zoloft for about 8 years, mostly on 100 mg and a few times up to 150 mg. I have panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder (and depression when the anxiety gets bad for an extended period of time. Recently, maybe July or August, I decided that I wanted to try to come off the meds because I was feeling so good and wanted to try life without them. I tapered down from 150 mg to 25 mg very slowly and had zero withdrawal effects. Then in October, I was on a vacation and got a throat/sinus infection. The antibiotic they gave me made me very sick (stomach/digestive upset) and an upset stomach feeling is a big trigger for panic attacks for me. The panic attacks came back, with a vengeance. I went to my dr. and immediately went back on the Zoloft. For the first few weeks it was terrible. I couldn't leave the house or get out of bed. Eventually the Zoloft seemed to be kicking in a little (but i'm unclear whether it was the Zoloft working or if I just naturally started feeling a little better). It's almost three months later, and I'm up to 150 mg of Zoloft but it's just not enough. I feel better, I'm able to function, but I'm still not back to my old self. I panic in certain social situations, can't take trips away from home, and suffer from bad anxiety in the afternoons/early evening (I also suffer from SAD, so winter is always harder for me). Right now, I feel like the Zoloft is not working anywhere near as well as it's supposed to, or did before. My doctor wants me to wait a few weeks, go up to 200 mg and see if that works. If that doesn't work, then the plan is to switch to Prozac. (These are deemed to be the safest for pregnancy, and I'm in a stage of my life where I'm considering this. I'm not ready yet, but I don't want to find a good medication and have to switch it a year down the road. Please no comments about taking AD's while pregnant, I've already considered all the pros and cons, have done my research, and will make a personal choice when it's time and when I feel emotionally ready.) I also don't want to add something to my current medication that is unsafe for pregnancy. I'm feeling so desperate these days and I'm just so sick of this, I want to find something that works. I'm afraid the Zoloft has just "pooped out" and I don't want to waste time taking it if Prozac could be the answer. So here are my questions: 1. Has anyone switched from Zoloft to Prozac with success? 2. I had very few side effects with Zoloft and it worked for me for a long time. If I switched to something else, is it possible that I could switch back to Zoloft someday and it would work again? 3. Has anyone ever reached that magical right dose of Zoloft and gone from bad to good just by upping a dose? Like the flick of a switch? (I'm wondering because right now I feel like a little improvement is not going to be enough, and I'm doubting whether going up another dose is possibly going to give me the relief I need) Thanks for your help! Also, please note that I'm in therapy, exercise daily, eat healthy, do yoga, working on mindfulness meditation, in a healthy relationship . . . I think I'm just one of those people that needs medication.)
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Hi there guys Well, let me start off by saying the following: I'm a 31 year old archaeologist. Been working back in archaeology in Portugal for the past years. The weather there is nice and the food is awesome, but as you guys know, at this point, Portugal isn't doing to well financially and I never managed to make a decent living back there. Not directly due to the nature of my profession. I know load of architects, engineers, lawyers that were making less than me. I'm currently in London doing an MA in Archaeology and the Winter here is just ******* me. I started getting depression during 2009 and in early 2010 I started taking 100mg of Cipralex (an SSRI). That kinda helped for a time but it never really made me better. At this point I'm trying supplements. I tried St. Johns Wort for some time but that didn't do anything. I tried Chromium but also nothing and today I'm starting with 5HTP with 50mg in the morning and 50mg at night. My main symptom are: Hypersomnia - By far my biggest issue. Keeps me sleeping around 11 to 12 hours a day which really interferes with my work/study.I wake up really groggy and tired, like I ran a Marathon. I guess I'm getting to much REM. Fatigue - Specially in the morning during the first couple of hours. It kinda gets better during the evenings but nothing substantial. Anhedonia/Lack of motivation - Not really interested in anything, and the fatigue doesn't help either. Lack of appetite - Complete loss of appetite, but not losing weight. On the contrary, been gaining weight steadily. I'm pretty slim though, at 1.85m and 84kg, which makes is pretty healthy. Some stress and anxiety but nothing too problematic. At this point I'm not really sure what type of depression I have. I've ruled out diabetes and hypertyroidism. The doctors I've visited all say different things and I was expecting someone with similar symptoms could share some ideas. I don't think it is melancholic depression since usually SSRI's work with that stratum of depression and melancholic depression is usually associated with some trauma (relationship, loss of kin, etc) and it doesn't last as long. On the other hand atypical depression is usually associated with most of my symptoms but not with loss of appetite, much on the contrary, people with atypical depression tend to have high BMI's and carb cravings, which I don't. At this point I'm not really sure how to fix this. I remember once, a couple of weeks ago, I went out for drinks, got a really bad stomachache that kept me awake till 7 in the morning. I woke up at around 11 (so 4 hours later) but feeling completely refreshed and in an awesome mood. I guess having slept little and going through less REM helped! So I'm guessing that whatever is keeping me depressed has to do with my Hypersomnia and disturbances in my sleeping patterns. Anyone else with these problems? Anyone know how to improve their sleep? Artur
