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Found 7 results

  1. Hi all. I'm not really an active user around the forums (even though, to my belief, i should have been much more), but just wanted to share my experience in order to heal some wounds or perhaps, share some insight with others. We met in my first year of college. It was pretty much love at first sight. Our interests were common, we could talk for hours not to mention we had the same goals for life. The first year of our relationship was great. However, bit by bit, i began to discover she wasn't the happy gal she appeared to be. When the warmer days of Spring started to shine and the clothes were cooler, i started to notice she had a lot of scars on her body. At first i avoided asking about them, because i didn't want to trouble her. Eventually i gathered some courage to ask her about it. Little did i know what i was about to unfold. She was so furious about me asking about her line shaped scars. I started joining the pieces of it, little by little, until in the heated argument i asked: - " Did you cut yourself?" The moment she looked at the floor, unfortunately, i knew i was right. At that day i discovered i was in relationship with a girl that was struggling with a horrid past. On top of that, her childhood was full of despair. Her father was an alcoholic man. He was also an emotionally abusive man and i suspect he has been physically abusive too, even though she never confirmed it during the time we were together. One way to cope with the pain, was to cut herself. She explained that the only reason she got through childhood without commiting suicide, was because of her adored sister and the huge cocktail of pills her mother gave her. Her relationship with her mother wasn't great either. Her parents have been divorced 3 times, only to get back together the same amount of times. She hated her father...But i bet she hated her mother more for not leaving that poor excuse of a man. Knowing about her past didn't discourage me at all. I simply adored her. She was my first love, The only person i felt like i could really be myself. During the following years we shared an appartment while attending college. Life was great. Ocasionally she would stress about her past, but i would remind her that her future wouldn't have to be that way. That she had a great future...with me. Eventually she had the possibility of going to Turkey on an interchange program from college. If her application were to be accepted she would be gone for 6 months. Knowing that she was suffering from Wanderlust and that it was a chance of a lifetime, i encouraged her to go, reassuring her that i would still be here, in Portugal, waiting for her to come back. Seeing as i held no obstacle she went in a heartbeat. 6 months later, after that interchange program, she came back. She was never the same. She started avoiding me. She wouldn't sleep on the same bed as i, saying she would disturb my sleep because she had horrible nightmares all night. She wouldn't allow me to touch her, feel her, kiss her... Anything at all. She would get mad at me for all the silly things. She began to be verbally abusive too. I thought she was going through a depression so i recommended she would see a Psychologist, which she did. Eventually i was to find out why she was distancing herself from me. While in Turkey, she emotionally cheated on me with another guy. It troubled me so much to know that she didn't have a mere physical fling with somebody else... She actually discarted my love for her, the only guy in her life that trully supported her through highs and lows...And replaced it with the love of some 16 year old that would literally insult her everyday, according to her. This incident generated many problems, of course. However we were able to get past it. However, in the mids of all these events, according to her Psychologist and later her Psychiatrist, began to agree that she suffered from Bipolar Disorder. I think that giving a name to what she was feeling all these years, devastated her psyche. She wouldn't get out of bed. She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't even move to go to the bathroom all day. I tried to be supportive. She simply would not accept her condition. She wouldn't take her pills right, become very violent, lash out at whoever was close. Despite she treating my horribly most of the time, i blamed it on the condition. I was pretty much in denial. Our relationship was nothing like it used to be. But i really loved her. I just wanted to help her so badly. This went on for about 2 years. Both her and i were unemployed because we were trying to pursue our carreers through freelancing. Seeing as it was leading no where, i recommended both her and i get a job somewhere... Call centers, restaurants, whatever placed payed some money...I just wanted her to start loving her self and feel she deserved having a good life. Feel like she accomplished her own happiness. She followed my advice and was able to get into a great job, considering this world financial crisis. She seemed to be happy. Steadily happy. Thinking that the worst was gone, we moved into a house, got ourselves a puppy and happily started living as a young couple with their carreers blooming. But then, her bipolar disorder got worse... She started missing work...Money started running thin. I managed to get 2 jobs to support us and i was doing everything i could. Supporting her. Trying to give her everything she wanted. Handling the bills, trying to keep our house and also giving the attention our young pup needed. Until 2 weeks ago, on my birthday, March 11th... She broke up with me. Simply saying she did not feel the same for me anymore and that her depression was taking her into a very dark place. Knowing she didn't love me, i simply packed my things and went back home to my parent's house. I'm currently devasted with all this. And i'm still trying to assimilate all of the above. I'm now 23 years old and i feel like i've wasted so much of my life (5 years) in a relationship that ended in such a weird way. I can't help but feel that she used me after she came back from Turkey. That she didn't love me anymore after the incident with the other guy... She simply stayed with me because i would do everything for her... But then again i don't want to believe in that. Could she really be that mean? I've been carrying on with my life. Going to work, trying to work on my freelancing music producing carreer. I wouldn't say i'm particularly depressed... But there's this void that has been lasting since the day she broke up with me. It's pretty hard to sum up a 5 year relationship in one post, and i am sorry if i have wrote a too big of a test but i really needed to blurt it out of my system. Any comment anyone has will be dearly apreciated and if anyone wants to chat about their experiences in relationships with someone that suffers from depression, i'll gladly engage. :)
  2. I've been with my fiance' for 2 1/2 years. We are set to be married in June, 2012 (3 months away). I have been diagnosed with severe anxiety attacks, low self esteem and depression. I have been on several medications. Some have worked, some have not. I recently could tell that my 40 mg celexa was no longer working. My Dr. thought that increasing that med would not help at this point and I should switch. I have been put on to 40 mg of Prozac. I started it about 3 days ago..no change so far. Here is my story: I dated a man 4 years ago. We dated for only 6 months but it was the most emotional 6 months of my entire life. I absolutely did love this man. We were planning on moving in together and possibly getting married. We both had very strong emotions about this relationship very quickly. Right from the beginning I had secrets. I felt the need throughout our entire relationship to keep contact with random men. I would text and email them. I would make sure that I felt they found me attractive and were interested in me. I would NEVER meet them and NEVER had thoughts of sleeping with them. For me it was just the need to know that someone found me attractive and that I could get a man if I had to. I was caught every single time by my boyfriend. When he confronted me, I would make up some ridiculous, outrageous lie to try and cover it. This continued for the whole relationship. I wanted very badly to stop and wanted to be with this man, but I just couldn't stop myself from doing the things that he told me not to do. Ultimately, he couldn't take it anymore and broke up with me. I did "stalk" him for awhile even after he became serious with his next girlfriend. Moving forward to today...I have met someone and gotten engaged. I do love this man and would be very happy the rest of my life with him. The past boyfriend I spoke about earlier has since become single and he contacted me after all these years to say that he wanted to make amends with his past. He felt that in order for him to move forward and have a successful relationship again, he needed to forgive people that have really hurt him in his past. He said that I was the one that hurt him the most. He gave me 100% of his heart and I took it, stomped on it and gave nothing back. I ended up talking with this ex-boyfriend and actually felt good after I talked to him. I felt as though I had some closure from the relationship. I did continue talking with my ex more times than I should have. I did tell my fiance' about our talks and he said "OK, just promise me you want have contact with him again. If it happens again, then it will be the end of us." Over the next few weeks, my medication stopped working. I contacted the ex again several times (just through email). I tried to convince him to take me back and give me another chance. The ex made it very clear that the ONLY thing he wanted from me was sex. He did not want a relationship and could never trust me again. Here is my thing...I have a pattern of doing the exact thing that I am told not to do. I know right from wrong. I don't want to contact my ex. I'm putting the family we have created at risk. I don't want to contact him but I have urges to. The urges build up and I can't seem to fight them. I know what I'm doing is wrong, but yet I hit that "send" button anyway. 5 minutes later I am a wreck because of what I have done. But then he writes back and the process starts all over again. I know for a fact that this is not me and not what I want to do, but I can't seem to break the cycle. Here are the differences between my last relationship and this one: 1. The last relationship I did this all the time with random guys. This relationship I have only done it with one guy and it was with someone that meant something in my life. 2. Last relationship I lied over and over and over until I couldn't lie anymore. This relationship I have not lied once and have told my fiance' openly and honestly about what I'm doing. If I continue down this path, my fiance' will ultimately get to the same point as my ex and just not be able to deal with it anymore and will leave. I obvisouly don't want this to happen, but I seem to do the exact things I know will ruin it. It just seems like a vicious cycle for me. I am in counseling but I just can't seem to get to the bottom of this and take control. Sometimes I just feel like calling off the wedding and leaving just so I won't continue to hurt him. My fiance' knows everything, in fact he found this site to help me out. He told me he understands it's my disease that doesn't allow me to make rational decisions but at some point it will become too much if it continues to happen. I understand this. I do still have urges to contact my ex and I am still fighting them. My ex has made it very clear that he doesn't want to ever speak to me again and doesn't want me to contact him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for listening.
  3. I have been with my boyfriend about 8months. I think we are good together, we rarely argue and we both love each other. Recently my bf has been feeling very depressed and yesterday he had a really bad panic attack. He told me he was feeling very nervous for no apparent reasons and worrying about things that really doesn’t make sense. He said he was worried about our relationship, whether we are right for each other. He was also feeling nervous about him being gay, but the thoughts of him doing sexual acts with other men repulsed him. Then he started to worry about whether he has a sexual addiction. It’s all very confusing and random. Whatever it is, him being gay or not I want to be there for him but I feel like I am not strong enough to do this. I couldn’t help but cry when he wasn’t around. To be honest I have been feeling really depressed myself, I usually cry to myself in bed. I soon realised this was getting me nowhere so I decided to take new hobbies and fill my time with other things. I also can’t help but feel little Jealous because he has support from his family where as I am on my own. I have no one to talk to other then my boyfriend but I have never told him about my situation because I am not very good at talking about emotions and I didn’t want to depress him. At the moment, I really don’t know what to do. I feel so alone and I have no close friends that I can confide in, my family would not understand. I am secretly in a relationship with this guy as my family would never approve him. I just want to break up with him and find someone more stable but at the same time I really want to be there for him and help him get through this.
  4. Hello, I don't post on here normally but I have nowhere else to turn. I have been in a relationship for nearly 4 years. My boyfriend makes me the happiest person ever and I love him more than anything. But I never listened. I had been more ratty than usual over the past year, snapping at little things. I knew I was depressed, and he told me to ring the doctor. I never did, and things went too far and the other day after one little argument, he snapped and said he never wants to see me again. It is totally my fault for being too scared to phone the doctors. I have lost the love of my life because of it. So today, I finally got the courage to ring the doctor. My appointment is at quarter to 5. It is good that I am helping myself but I have still lost him. He is so so so mad and so so hurt, he just doesn't see any hope for us and says our relationship isn't real as we argued too much. I feel so alone and angry at myself. It was all my fault and now I've pushed him so far away without even realising it, I can't get him back. He went out the night we broke up and got drunk and then apparently sat in the corner of the club all moody, I hate to know I have hurt him this much. He is coming over for 5 minutes on Wednesday so we can exchange stuff, it is breaking my heart. He knows I am going the doctors now, but it is too late for us. I have ruined everything. Now I am going the doctors in a few hours, but I am wondering how it will help. How can life go on when I have let myself lose the person who loved me so so so deeply? I have hurt him so much, I don't even think there is anyway to get him back. What do I do? Please help.
  5. Hello there. I am hoping to seek some kind of advice on the relationship topic. As a little background, I've been abused most of my life, by family and my boyfriends so i don't really trust people, nor do i have the self confidence to really keep a relationship because i usually push them away.. BUT... In this new year i told myself that i WOULD be mood-happy again (and what a struggle!) 3 years in the making with my therapist and i can ALMOST see the end of the happy tunnel ha ha ha! ( or would it be the beginning ? anywho...) So i have a spectacular boyfriend now, and yes i have said this before but really and truely he is.. He really cares about me and wanting me to get better, which is turn makes me i feel worse.. Possible? AH! I have some insecurities that he will leave me, cheat on me, lose interest... does he show any signs of this? NO, of course not. But i seem to try to find something about him or set up situations to purposely get into arguments to tell myself, OH he is horrid! Wow, what my mind goes through to keep up with it's depression! Bottom line is, I want to get better and he does too, but he doesn't know how to cope with someone who is depressed (I am his first real gf, he is really big into his work ...) So really we have a very hard time seeing eye-to-eye on issues. Plus he is really positive, so when i try to explain depression to him, he basically just doesn't get it. Let's just say he is emotionless and i am over emotional. You can see the conflict that could arise. How can i get him to become MORE emotional so i can be LESS? I feel like if he were more then i wouldn't feel the need to possibly bring out over emotions to see his emotions, if that makes sense...
  6. I met my boyfriend about 6 months ago and we started going out a month after. He is bi-polar and was not very well around the time that we met. He was very up front with me about it and although I knew it wouldn't be easy, I really liked him and wanted to see what happened. He had been in and out of hospital a few times and still isn't doing so well but despite all of this we fell in love. In February last year, my father died very suddenly and unexpectedly. I've only really come to terms with this loss recently and have been in and out of depression myself. My BF was very supportive of me and I was able to have my bad days and be comforted by him. So we've both been having our ups and downs and because of his illness, we've been doing things one step at a time. Last week we had a very serious talk where we discussed if the relationship could work. He told me more about his illness and I felt that I understood it all better than I had before. There were some problems that came up on both sides but after a good chat, we both agreed that we wanted to give it a go and see how things worked. I told him that I knew things weren't easy and that until he felt better, I just wanted to spend some quality time with him and not to demand too much from him. I thought after this, that our relationship was stronger than ever and that I loved him and wanted to be with him because he made me happy and we had such a great connection. Then at the weekend, we were together vegging out - his mood wasn't great and he was quiet (I had said something quite insensitive earlier that day and I knew I must have upset him). I touched him on the arm and he eventually started to ask if 'this was working', I said I didn't understand why he was asking this. he echoed some of my concerns voiced the week before and I was quite surprised - I explained that I thought we had resolved these problems and had found a solution to work towards while he was getting back on his feet. He said he was angry all the time, and what I'd said to him earlier had really upset him but that wasn't the reason he was questioning the relationship again. He felt like he hadn't been well in a long time and eventually said part of him wanted to get through it alone. after a while I asked him if that was it - he said there was nothing more to say. I said, no, is that the end of it then? And he said yes and he was sorry. Following that was a lot of tears and me begging him not to do this, he just kept saying he was sorry and he had to. I just feel that he's modelling this on a previous relationship (he had told me that he'd had to do this before because he was depressed), and I just don’t know what to do. I think that he's pushing me away and that the decision was a spontaneous one. what can I do? Has anyone had any experience with something similar? I've read a few posts where despite a long term depression, couples have made it through. Any advice you have would be great. Thanks
  7. Hi everyone, I just want to start by saying that I'm a new member here on the forums (this is actually my first post). It took me a while to muster up the courage to finally get an account and reach out to people with similar problems as myself. I respect everyone on here who's willing to share their most personal stories. I've been very seriously depressed for the past 2 years. I'm 24 years old, have a decent job, good family, and a fairly solid support system. When my girlfriend and I broke up after being together for 4 years my entire life shattered and came crashing down around me. At this time I had just gotten my first full time job out of college and had moved to an unfamiliar location. I would cry night after night for hours. I lost 30lbs, couldn't sleep for days, etc. I knew something was wrong with me. I became obsessed with the woman I had 'lost' in this process. My mind was racing all day trying to figure out ways to get her back. I knew this was normal for a month or two, but this went on for an extremely painful entire year. I was open to anything, and eventually got myself to see a therapist and also quickly got on an anti-depressant. As time went by I became a little more numb to my situation, but have never really fully recovered from the pain and complete devastation caused by the breakup. I go through life now with a general sense of sadness and sorrow, and am constantly searching for ways to help myself. I still struggle with some very serious self esteem issues that stemmed from all of the self hate I went through. Maybe I'm a little dazed from 2 years of constant negative thoughts, who knows? I feel that now my sadness and pain has turned into bitterness and resentment. I want to learn how to forgive the people in my life who have been an ingredient to my depression, but I can't seem to understand how. I also want so badly to look at new situations and new relationships with optimism and maybe even a smile. I've been so closed off from the idea of accepting another person into my life or even believing in the concept of trust again. Has anyone else experienced this? If so, how were you able to break through it and conquer these demons? Steve
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