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Found 25 results

  1. Hi guys, sorry if wrong forum. Been here a while. To cut a long story short I've been depressed since my 11 (Im 29 now). Was diagnosed 3 yrs ago and have been up and down from 5 - 60mg citalopram since. I've worked full time through most of it. I've just allowed myself to be written off for 2 weeks as I work in a University and I can. Had counselling twice. Once for 12 weeks, 1 session at my work place that I knew wasn't right so offered it to someone else. Talking through my problems isn't what I need. I've started the mental health team process before to access cbt, but by the time I get in I'm happy on citalopram and I can't access other therapies because at that point I'm feeling pretty happy. High doses of citalopram don't agree with other parts of my body. And I can't face the 4-6 weeks hell of a med change. I'm not on Bupa and I'm looking at exploring private options so I can get help when I need it. Any advice from other UK NHS'ers around? Your experience? My best friend is an OT in mental health but she's on hol for a month and I ain't putting this on her again. Thanks! Anton
  2. Hi Guys, I have depression and anxiety and I'm getting fed up with the NHS and slowness of it. I need to sort out my problems and I want to make it happen. After discussing my issues with my best friend who's a mental health OT, I think I would like to see an expert psychiatrist and then probably get some good CBT. Also would like someone to help in crisis. I get phases of depression - the NHS is too slow. Still not sure what the process or options are - but I'm willing to try and pay (and ask parents to help) to get my depression sorted if it's worth it. My GP is looking into private options. Anyone else been in this position? Anyone experienced private care? How much are we talking cost wise? I have no private health insurance. Anything to share on this topic greatly appreciated. Thanks tekgrl
  3. Make me fumble Make me fall Make my heart stop and start tremble uncontrollably Let my eyes fill with desire for those who long apart forbid the kiss and leave us innocent of the things some do in the dark the things some do in the dark the things some do in the dark Make me remember make me forget make my mind unable to force the body do its will let it be right for belief and denial to share a space in the heart leave us only to imagine about the things some do in the dark the things some do in the dark the things some do in the dark make me pretend make me expect things can go and come to pass without trial or tribulation let this life space and time leave my body with permanent marks faded scars and lines not a single impression of the things some do in the dark the things some do in the dark the things some do in the dark Let me be tempted let me be torn make my thoughts pure and not morally corrupt in form let us sleep tonight let innocence lie in our dreams and secret hearts burning desire need to learn and do of the things some do in the dark the things some do in the dark the things some do in the dark the things some do in the dark the things some do in the dark
  4. I'm not really good at explaining when I have a problem. I don't really know where to begin. I can complain, but not tell a story. Last night I planned on going to bed early so I could get to school on time. I was looking around for directions to a place that I had to go to. My husband had mistakenly thrown it away. Okay, I was angry that he did. I looked in the few areas I knew it could be and ended the search. He didn't want to accept that. The deflect hurt a lot. The insistence that I was just looking over it hurt a lot. The anger of his search irritated me. The fact that he wouldn't stop looking after I told him to irritated me. So I let him look. When he gets into this mode, I just let him. He wants to help sometimes even when I don't want him to, so I just let him. After a while, he left the house. I put on some music and started cleaning. I felt like misplacing the item was a result of the disorder that I keep everything in. So I sought to order things. The music worked pretty well. Then he came back and told me not to touch him. Because he'd been crawling in the dumpster. He wanted to know why I didn't help him. He seemed incredulous when I explained that I wasn't going to help him do something that I never asked him to do in the first place. That I asked him to do the opposite of, really. We went to separate rooms for a bit, I continued to clean. He took a shower. Afterwards he approached me and started talking. I sat with him and listened. Honestly, everything he brought up was reasonable. He worried that I was pulling away from him, making connections in areas he didn't feel he could penetrate and he felt that he didn't really have control over anything. I stopped short of reassuring him that I would be dependent on him again in a short period of time. I want more independence, he doesn't. And that's the truth, he feels that he will have nothing to offer me. I feel horrible for making another person feel this way. On the other hand, I really want more from myself. I want to be able to support myself, grow and develop separate from him. If that means that one day we have nothing to offer each other I would much rather that than staying with someone out of dependence. Dependence that I'm forcing on myself. But perhaps I'm just emotionally crippled. Maybe he's right. I don't know how to ask people for help. I don't know how to reach out emotionally. Perhaps that's all. I could call more. Even when I don't want to.
  5. Lesson 1: When my mother and I would travel to the store, sometimes I would reach out for her hand. She'd quickly retract it from me with revulsion and tell me not to touch her. It is in my nature to fear rejection from others. Lesson 2: My mother would often tell me stories about how life was really good before she had me. She went to parties and lived with her mother. She didn't have to pay any bills and she was thin and pretty. It is in my nature to apologize for intruding on others with my presence. Lesson 3: When she was depressed herself she would tell me that she thought having a child would mean that someone would always love her. If she could have removed my pituitary gland and kept me a baby forever, she would have. I was an ungrateful child. It is in my nature to distrust what others desire from me. Lesson 4: She told me that I didn't have feelings. Not important ones. It is in my nature to distrust myself. Lesson 5: She taught me that no one else would ever love me. The only thing I should expect from life is people trying to hurt and control me. I would have to take care of myself. Love and trust no one. That last lesson nearly destroyed me. I crave people, interaction. I feel hurt when I'm not noticed and appreciated. It's only now that I feel I'm getting a chance to do something different and reach out to others. My goal is to stop the belief that I have nothing to offer and no one wants me around.
  6. I received a text tonight inviting me out to a bar. It was after my workout, I was tired and stinky. I was going to decline and start working on stuff for school. But I remembered a promise. To this certain person I told I would go out wherever and whenever they asked as long as I was in town. I made this promise because they observed my statement that I wanted to be more sociable. They told me my actions didn't match up to my words. They were right, so I made a promise to them and I always aim to keep my promises. I could not back out. I went to the bar, sat in and had two beers. I got tipsy on the first because I'm a lightweight. I ordered another and got halfway through. During the night I had great conversations with my classmates. It was odd because they wanted to see me drunk, and many people told me they felt they liked the drunk they saw. They told me I was fun and that they wanted to see more of the real me. I had a good time. I made a promise that when we go to California I'll go out and party with them. As long as we can walk back to a place to crash, I'll show them what I'm like with the mask off. The night ended with a group hug that I was in the middle of (seriously, it was odd). I learned a bit more about everyone. There's so much I never knew. I wanted to tell someone. That's why I'm here. I almost feel ashamed about tonight. This is what it's like, I guess, to have friends and to have a good time. I don't really consider them friends, more acquaintances...but it was really nice and I've never had this before. I want to do this again. But right now I really want to sleep. Tomorrow I have a museum to go to. Let's hope the hangover won't be too bad (I also had a jagerbaum after the beers...that was later).
  7. Had a week of ups and downs...first week back in school. I learned my grandmother is in the hospital... That's my mom really. I think of her as such. After learning about it I signed off last night and tried to pray before sleeping. My mind kept going in circles. I really don't want to get back on the plane for another funeral. Especially not hers. I'm so glad I'm alone right now. I complain about being alone sometimes but if I was surrounded by people I could not cry. And right now I just want to. I had a dream last night where my grandmother was very small and frail. She cried on my shoulder and asked me to take her home. I couldn't leave my bed this morning for two hours. I just laid there incapable of moving. It's stupid to want someone never to leave you, but she was once the only light in my life. She was it. Even now I think that if all else goes to hell, i can always go home. She is home. She isn't weak, frail or old. She's my grandmother.
  8. I am being moved!!! To a place called Craghead. This is in private seeing as the company I work for is so afraid we will bad mouth them. Errr yeah, they are moving me to Crag'fecking'head! No more home for lunch, no more nap, no more seeing hubby and pup on my break. Oh she has her 'reasons' Crag'fecking'head needs a manager, it hasn't had one for ages. It does ok, I can't say she is sending me to a bad place. I can do good in this place............ but it isn't MY PLACE!!!!! I like my place. I can do well in this place, but it isn't MY place. I love my place!!! I'm very upset but resigned to the fact...... I have no choice. Little by little, they make me a robot.
  9. Why is life so freaking crap? ................................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................................ Friend of hubbies took his life last week, very sad. One of my friends families is falling apart. My moods are swinging wildly, tears one moment, nowt a matter the next. I can't put up with this, I can't. I'm broken.
  10. I knew when I woke up half an hour after my alarm that today was going to be a bad day. Got to work and realised I'd left my keys on the desk, inside the shop yesterday afternoon. Didn't have a number for D or the cleaner, had to call L on her weeks holiday, she rang D and came with me to direct me to his house. got his keys and opened the shop 6 mins late. Had S on the phone complaining about the fact her travel claims were being looked into,
  11. I had my hair cut on Friday, well a trim, 1st time in 18 months. I got a pair of work trousers, a skirt and another backless top. Got some cd's too, Classic FM's Summer Guitar, a Gregorian chant one, a George Gershwin Rhapsody in Blue one, and a Johann Strauss II Blue Danube one. Remember me mentioning in a blog once about the cassette player that I believed would harm me if I didn't say a certain rhyme that for the life of me I cannot recall? When I was a tiny baby in my cot Mother would play a cassette of Blue Danube to get me to sleep on the same player. I was a little worried about buying the Strauss CD, for some reason I thought I may remember why the player would harm me. Thankfully I haven't, just enjoyed the music and drifted to sleep. Making me think tho, why was I so afraid of this cassette player? Looked like that, maybe a bit chunkier. I gave it to my junior school when I was 7 or 8. It was in the cupboard in the library, whenever I was in there I'd have to check it hadn't got loose and was hunting me down, gawd what a loon. Not sure if I want to know why I was afraid of it, live in blissful ignorance. My love of music must have started in the cot. I've ordered a pillow that you plug an mp3 player into, the speaker is in the pillow, supposedly you can listen to music low without disturbing your sleeping partner. Looking forward to giving it a go, fed up to the back teeth of ELO, hubby doesn't like my chill out stuff, if I want music to drift off to sleep he keeps asking for ELO. I didn't have any bread yesterday, I did cave in by 11pm and had a bag of frazzles, everything else yesterday was healthy tho, as long as you count the alcohol as grape juice, lol! Got to get pup out for a quick walk, do the dishes and cat loo, another load of washing, vacuum and some ironing before I have a bath.
  12. Took a pill last night and slept in this morning, woke up at 830, when I should be setting up the shop ready for opening at 9am. Didn't do too badly and got open for 9.03am, thankfully it wasn't a Friday or Saturday morning, takes ages to set up then. At work until 12 then to Seaton Burn for a meeting starting at 1pm, stopped for a sarnie and ate half of it on the run. Meeting was same old stuff, teaching grannies to suck eggs in my opinion. Was going to visit the big Tesco for the 25% off 6 bottles of alcohol but got lumbered into taking someone home. We got out at 5.30pm, no rest for the wicked today. Home to sort out the washing basket, get the dishes done. Hubby has gone to a car meet, didn't want me to go "you'll just be bored" errrr well i'm gona be bored and lonely at home! Makes me so ANGRY, i've had tears in my eyes. Seems so trivial. My entire life is ruled by work and housework. Need to eat but I have no desire too. It's all to easy to fall into a bottle of alcohol for comfort and relaxation. I'm trying for a dry night. Get some washing done, bath and bed, can't even be bothered with TV or Radio, not like me at all to be sat in silence. Sometimes I have TV, laptop and a newspaper on the go at once. Urge to hurt myself and others is just so strong. People say things to me and I really want to reply "look, just go tell someone that ****ing cares eh?" So much rage in me, :taz: could rip them to shreds. Strangers, they may not even speak or look at me but I see them and just want to... well you know ****************************************************************************************************************************** Poop talk. ******************************** My bot is bleeding, not sore, just fresh red blood on the tissue. *************************************************************************************************************************** Random bit info for you all there. Dunno why I told you, possibly 'cos I have no one else to tell. What now? Got some prawns soaking in vinegar, one of my fav. snacks. Have to iron a shirt for work, the size 12's are too tight now, got 4 x 14's but 3 are in the wash. All day tomorrow at work so I'd like to be as comfy as I can be. I'd like to go to Stand 'n' Tan, to an exercise class, get some books from the library, cook a nice meal, watch a good dvd, have our friends around for a Wii night, tidy the gardens... list could be endless but I have no time or energy. Can't remember the last time I wondered around the shops in town. Haven't had my hair cut for a year and a half. How do other people manage to fit it all in? What is the magic way to make it all fit and keep everyone happy? The eternal optimist from work was at the meeting today, she was going straight to the cinema with her friend. She was in Barcelona for a hen weekend last week, her friends are organising her a 'late' hen do this weekend. She goes to they gym, rides a bike, does wonderful promo's at work. How does she fit it all in with a hubby and a gaggle of kids? Who does her washing? food shop? ironing? gardening?
  13. All I want to do is eat! Hungry!!!! No need to be. but I CRAVE! I am unhappy.*********************************** ooooh scary Don't read!!!!*************************************************88 *****************88 *****************88 ******************* **************** Serious, other day at work I was wanting to smash a glass and slash. Thankfully no glasses at work, plastic or paper cups, not even a knife. If I were home i'd have been cracking a glass to slice at me. Gawd the need was so real. Pills make me sleepy during the day, getting outta bed is awful. It's a case of get up n go or lose your house and babies. So difficult. Head -v- Heart. Feels like work is pushing me, go go go, faster, harder, more!!! Me, I'm the Tortoise, plodding along, slow and steady, get it right first time, no need for repeats. They are wham bam thank you ma'am rabbits, try this, flit onto something else, to the next and next. I know what works ffs! Got a letter today, meeting on the 1st, place... to be arranged?!? Also got a letter from the Dr surgery saying my insurance letter was ready, ooooooooooooooooooo only 4 weeks after i've been back at work, makes me sooooo ANGRY!!! I count the hours every day.
  14. Not amazing, but better than I have in a long time. No music, no night light. I was shattered mind, up from 7am to midnight without a nap and all that whizzing around. Woke up after the first 2 hours but nodded straight off after a tinkle trip. Sleep seemed to be sound too. Woke up with a dry mouth which the Dr said I might, does that mean the pill worked? I read up about them, can take 4 weeks to see an anti depressant benefit, tbh sod that as long as I get some sleep. I got very upset with hubby last night, when I rang him he twittered on about how wonderful his trip is and how he wants to go back next year and how great the boys are and.... you know.... stuff. Not once did he ask how I was, how the Dr's went, how pup was doing. I didn't say owt, just raged inside when I put the phone down. He rang me back an hour later, and I said "oh did you remember that you didn't ask how pup and I were" and he said, "have you got my photo yet, I text you a photo will you put it up in my website please" I gave him a bit of an ear bashing, he said he had asked how we were and how I slept but he hadn't at all, I remember everything. He continued about his precious website saying can you put up a thread about how we are doing and the photo and blah blah blah. I bluntly replied that I already had a thread running to tell his car friends how they were doing. I think about him and his friend on holiday, he doesn't think about pup and I at home. Then I got "well your going away for 2 weeks" FFS I've got the chance to go visit family in a country i've never been too, i've never been that far from home. Mother and Grandad have been, hubby has also been to Canada before. I'm scared of the plane journey, I'm scared of being so far from home, I'm scared of being away from hubby and my furr babies. Work at 3.15 til 9.45 then 3 days off, yey! Need to walk pup, do the dishes, hang out some washing if it stays nice, clean cat loo, feed fish, feed me, have a bath... erm think thats it.
  15. What a day! Didn't sleep well again, up early to get to work and get the shop ready before I went to see the Dr. On a normal day that would of been fine but we had an AWFUL lot of money to pay out today, and didn't have any of it. I've been run ragged calling people and arranging stuff. J came with money from her shop and she went to another as I was unsure of the way. I went to 2 other shops and the mall to get money from the bank. This is aswell as speaking to my line manager about the other problem, and finding loads of info for her. Oh and the weekly paper work too. Dr has given me amitriptyline to take on a night time, hopefully help me get some sleep. I'm worried about trying another pill. Dr was pleased with all the things i'm doing to try and help myself and said to keep it up. Got pup to feed before I go see S and the kids. Can't stay too long as pup will be needing another walk soon. Mother rang me today to say she had to go for an xray on her hip, oh and pup did 2 poops, lol Oh, the cctv camera box is off, I better go fix it. Happy weekend bloggers xxx
  16. As recommended by Pearly a few months ago I finally got to try some tilapia fish today. Very nice, although I think I over cooked it. Did it in a foil parcel with olive oil, splash of lemon, splash of white alcohol, garlic, frozen prawns, peppers and mushrooms. With fresh ingredients it would have been amazing, but still very tasty with the frozen bits. Work is awful, I'm afraid more poop is going to hit the fan. Someone hasn't followed procedure. We tried to help but the bins had already been emptied. I feel rotten reporting it, but I have too. Since i've been back i've followed the rules to the letter, been really careful to make sure I did nothing wrong. In the good ole days rules were bent, but now with the new lot in control its a tight ship. My sleep last night was random, not a good night. Ended up staying at work an extra 45 mins trying to sort the mess, came home to see pup and do the cat loo before I went for 6 mins on the stand and tan, drop a book at the library and up to the BIG Tesco for shopping. Tesco was awful, full of screaming kids. Time to walk pup. Up early tomorrow for the Dr, got to go to work early and set up before my appointment then get back to open up at 9am.
  17. Okay, so here we go.... It's 6:30 AM Monday morning. I have now been up for an hour or more, breaking sleep pattern, mainly because I was just lying in bed around 5 AM fervently wishing I would totally stop feeling. That was after resting/sleeping from 2am to 5am, and having one cuddle session with my cat. I love/hate this window of time, because once I got up and turned on the computer, I started to feel calm-ish for the first time in 24 hrs. At this time of day, there's the feeling that no one can reach me, so I am "safe". I can do whatever I want and not worry about people calling me or feeling obligated to do anything in particular. Part of me tends to view it as a magical "bonus" time, although it's really not....because it's part of what screws up my sleep pattern. Chances are that I will sleep in until early afternoon, and then get panicked again that I can't get things done that need to be done. Trying last night to think of 3 positives seemed impossible: only thing I could think of was "Well, faithful assistant Wendy came today". But even that seemed "tainted", because it was in the midst of her editing an email to my contractor that I got really super hyper. She's usually a great editor, but it took a little too long, and she did change one paragraph to a tone I didn't want, and in my frazzled state, it took me forever to change it back. I was getting frantic that I wouldn't get the email off, although I did--but no response yet from contractor--although maybe he will write around 7 or 8 am, that sometimes happens with contractors. Okay, interupted to send you a couple emails, back to trying to find 3 positives from Sunday: 1. Well, Wendy did work for me and did errands for me en route, so that I am well stocked with food and all caught up on mail. 2. Wendy and I laughed about cat maggie getting caught off-guard when she crawled into my lap for a brushing, forgetting about wendy's presence. Just as Wendy said: "It's amazing she's sitting there so vulnerable with me nearby", Maggie suddenly became aware, went on red alert, and leaped clean off my lap. 3. There's got to be a #3, there's got to! I guess I'll try later.
  18. 4:39 PM EST As predicted, after my peaceful productive time in the window of say 6am to 9am, I slept way in, until maybe 2pm. I didn't get panicky, however, just depressed. I am swimming through a morass of quicksand depression, trying to tackle things, none of which I really want to do, or that really seems to matter in the grand scheme of things. I did clear up one tiny problem with my computer by calling the repair shop, but the other post-tune-up issue is going to take more effort and energy than I have right now. I also pushed myself to phone the West Hartford painter, who had not yet responded to my email. That project is just hanging over me, and my normal modus operendi (means of operation) would be to immediately tackle it and push my way through it....but we now have thunderstorms predicted for Wednesday :-((((((((( I tried calling real estate agent Rich to get more detail on his conversation w/daughter of late dr. C______ re her not wanting to sell the land. Couldn't reach him either. left msg. Also have been trying to push myself forward to work on both General Power of Attorney and Medical Power of Attorney. So close to being done, but stalled, and stalled again. Don't want any life or health decisions made by remaining blood family, who don't feel like family (haven't connected with at all since last July). Other than that, I heard from one other group member I have been in touch w/privately (she had emailed me to see where I've been, it took me several days to respond). C. responded this AM by saying she thought I should see doctor, emergency room, or the like. Which is not apt to happen. Doctor is nice but costs $$$$$ and generally would have nothing new to tell me. Emergency rooms are out. Only two times have I been: First time was scary because I had to navigate the "suicide issue" to get to see a counselor without getting committed. Second time I waited endlessly to be seen for an eye problem which they thought might be internal bleeding. After waiting into the night (six hours), I was seen by an upstart young doctor who had NO CLUE re anxiety disorder, and after being rescued by the cat scan department, I signed myself out and vowed never to return unless I was unconcious. That's the only way you would get me back there. I fear hospitals more than I fear death. I am not sure what I am going to do today. Vagueness envelopes me. Update 6:18pm: I have no idea why, but I have developed chills it seems, in addition to an upset digestive tract (this latter is nothing new). Update 9:00pm: I called Michael to see if he had been able to turn on my attic air conditioning at West Hartford. He said "yes." Amazing to me how easy that was for him, when I have been struggling for weeks to get there. Probably a good thing I talked to him; at least gives me a human connection, but I am still feeling so horribly vague. As I finished talking to him, couldn't even figure out what the next thing was that I was going to do tonight. What is wrong with me?
  19. Post started May 27 2009, 11:37 AM I need someone to miss me when I'm gone. I feel numb as much as anything. Today I probably have the time, but I have very low motivation. Possible positives over past few days: Monday 25th: I finally reached Michael. Tuesday 26th: that I finally mailed 2 items (the Charter Oak registration w/$200, plus the next installment for mail forwarding) Wednesday 27th: even with body aching and literally wracked with pain and stiffness, made it to the Windsor repair shop with laptop for second installment of upgrade and tuneup. Decided to not even attempt West Hartford. Made brief stop on way home for kitty grass and packages of it for future growing. And a try at a Kentucky Fried Chicken grilled meal. Really enjoyed the corn on a cob--just right, even without salt and butter (why did I always think those things were necessary?) But grilled chicken itself was dried out and had a kind of stiff "crust" in places. Why? They need to perfect their "moist and tender", which it was definitely NOT. Resisted potato w/gravy, which would have been expensive ($2) both money wise and calorie wise. Picked up spring hill mail, then to Wormwood, then finally "home" to apartment (wanted my cat, my landline phone, and heat!..house was cold). Thursday 28th: I made it to Wormwood house. leaving the apartment at 3 pm. I packed up paint for West hartford. I have 1/2 hour QiGong video installed in kitchen and went through it in 2 to 3 steps. I am definitely enjoying having a TV in Wormwood kitchen. I desparately need my escapism. Oh, I also mailed my new MarLea contract, month to month, and check for June. I am just so tired tonight (thurs) but am resisting sleep, because sleep doesn't feel like a "safe place", although don't know what is. Friday 29th: Felt like grog city trying to wake up. Stay overnight at new house didn't help me get up earlier today. In fact, I went back to bed maybe 12 noon to one pm? Must have finally left house around 3 PM (the earliest I seem to be able to go anywhere), after conceding there was no way I was going to be able to visit West Hartford, even though I was going all the way across the river to Windsor. Did pick up mail at birth house and get gas in car, which made me feel a little better about jettisoning important task. Made it to pick up repaired laptop, and back with 1/2 hour or so to spare before Pam's arrival to work with me from 6 to 8 PM (first time in MONTHS). Very jittery tonight; can't seem to quiet down inside. Is it because of West Hartford looming over me? Is it because of bit of caffeine in Vitamin pill I took earlier today? (I usually avoid caffeine, just on principle).
  20. ... It's that or they just hate me and don't want a failure like me to practise their art. Set my alarm, got up, had detox tea and some porridge, got ready, drove to the centre. Yoga isn't on 'cos of school holidays. I checked the website last night, didn't say owt at all. It does about Wed. am Keep-fit, term time only. That was the only one tho. I am soooo pi**ed off. I cried on the way home and i'm crying now. Called at the Dr's office, got my signed off the sick note or whatever its called. They STILL don't have the letter for my insurance, they have had it well over a month now. When I got home there was a letter from the insurance people saying they have cancelled my claim because they hadn't heard from me. I already rang them to say I was having trouble with the Dr's office getting me the letter done. I don't understand, I rang Tuesday for this sick note thingy, they can do that in 3 days but can't fill in an insurance letter in over a month. They just want me back at work and outta their hair, I am obviously such a hassle to look after. Hubby has 3 days off work but is so preoccupied with his precious cars, he has no time for me. It's a beautiful day, I sat out in the garden for a bit, scrapped candle wax off the decking. I want to punch things and rip up my arms. I rang the insurance people, explained again about the Dr, she said when I get the stuff to send it in and they will sort it. She asked if I was feeling better. I said "no not really but I have no choice I have to go back to work" I am trying so hard to be healthy and perfect and as close to 'normal' as possible but it just isn't working. I'm sat here sobbing, hubby walks in says "if they ring (some car people) i'm just in the garden" not "oh darling your crying, let me hug you and make it better" What the fcuk are you supposed to do on a wonderful day like today when you feel like it would be better if you just didn't exist. My options seem to be, spend even more money I don't have, go back to bed or get ratted drunk. I'm tempted to ring that stupid Pdoc and ask him, I've done everything he said to and I still feel like this.
  21. ************************************************************************************************************************************************************************** I am being a paranoid android. Work colleague rang me yest, left a msg on my mobile asking me to call back, I did, she had already left for the day. She sound paniced, I rang her mobile, no answer. She hasn't rang back. I'm wondering is the sacked person trying to cause trouble? Does she know someone I used to work with wants the deputy job? I don't care who gets it, its not up to me. I'd love to work with this person again, we get on well, but if they don't get the job and the current assistant does I don't mind. Would just like a happy shop. Would like to stop being paranoid and anxious. Another thing, I am thinking someone has been reading my public blog, someone I know but haven't told about my blog. I'm imagining he has been searching the 'net for my name (AG) and has seen my blog and reads it. He was talking to me about stuff i'd put in my recent blogs. I don't like being like this, on edge, scared of the phone ringing, emails, text msgs, turning a blind corner. Heart thumping, head pounding, mind racing. Its all too much. The sun is shining, I'd like to be happy, but I am so afraid
  22. I picked the scab off again at 2 days. I was aiming for 3. The one below my corset got done too. Left elbow has faded, raised scar atm. I tried some home waxing yesterday, bikini area, bleddy difficult and hubby was as helpful as a chocky fireguard. Good thing about the wax was I didn't get it all off and lay in bed 'nd picked at that all night. I didn't sleep too well, remember a dream, running needed to sprint to finish and I shot forward and bumped into hubby. He was sound asleep so thankfully it didn't bother him. I gave up at 7.30 and got out of bed, had a cup of tea and watched some telly. Hubby got up at 11, he has another late shift today then off for two days. Hopefully we will get to do something nice together. I'm annoyed at my building society online account, locked me out 'cos I added a mobile number! Have to wait for them to contact me, can be 36 hours. I was transfering money to Mother and Hubby, bleedin pain. Went to the giant Tesco just after lunch, prefer their soya milk. Came home and unpacked then off to stand'n'tan with Mother, except today we lay down, another go at 3 mins and I may up to 6, but only stay on 5 lol. I got some sushi at Tesco for my lunch and ate it in the car park, i'm roasting some peppers now to stuff them with cous cous, not done it before. Going to eat after i've been to this Flexitone class (what ever it is) Must remember to feed pup before I go, she had her breakfast quite early and will be ready for her tea soon. Got a text from someone I used to work with, asking whats been happening. She heard rumors that the deputy has been threatning the assistant. No call or letter from work today, i'll ring my boss again tomorrow. This going out more lark is difficult, I just want to crawl under the covers and hide. Sometimes I think i'm better then a mood will spring up and whack me, be it a bouncy happy or a sullen sad. Just keep plodding on, look forward. I saw one of those nasty cars on TV yesterday, instinct was to hold my breath, looked away from the TV and forced myself to breathe. Changed channel after that, just incase it came back. Peppers are done, its stuffing time!
  23. I think I have a private blog and a public blog. I did try going private that time I ran away from home but then my friends who read my blog and aren't DF members couldn't see it. This is good being able to have private and public
  24. I have always thought of this place as a place to seek, as well as offer, to the extent that we can, help and support - a healing place. I have believed that, though we're sometimes not in a place that we can help others or Person A is simply not able, for whatever reason, to provide support to Person B, we would at least not seek to cause one another harm. Without that belief, I could not have overcome my reclusiveness and started a blog here, for all to read. I was encouraged to do so by a mod, who said my experiences might help others, and it was in that spirit that I finally decided to share my innermost and worst feelings. From my earliest years of responsibility, in the Boy Scouts and then in the U.S. Navy, teamwork was drilled into me constantly until it became a reflex. The stronger teammates help the weaker ones, and no one gets left behind. When I was in the Navy, I was a plane captain (very similar to an aircraft crew chief in the Army or Air Force) in an attack aircraft squadron, and when at sea I worked on the flight deck at night, where the opportunity for fatal accidents or mistakes is very high. When my shipmates and I climbed the stairs from the catwalk and stepped onto the flight deck, we literally entrusted our lives to each other. There was a fellow plane captain that I never got along with, for no particular reason. When we were off-duty, we looked for excuses and opportunities to beat the crap out of each other, but when we went to work, all that was left behind, and we watched each other's back like lifelong friends. I expected to find that here, and I have thought of all of us in that way...tossed in a stormy sea of depression and working together to keep everyone afloat as best we could. To think that there might be someone here who would push one of us away to fend for themselves...
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