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Found 3 results

  1. Been with husband for 15 years. Issues with not being a physical person has gotten slowly worse over the years. Want to be perfectly clear before I go on: there is no reason for me to be afraid of him. He has never hit me or forced himself on me. Have developed some really messed up habits so as not to encourage him to touch me. Wrapping myself in a blanket while we’re watching tv so he won’t be able to reach out for me. Wearing pjs for the walk from the bathroom to the bedroom after a shower (even though I’ll take them off immediately after getting to bedroom) so he won’t see me naked and get aroused. When I think about wearing something nice to work or for a special occasion my first thought is about how this will make him more attracted to me and will usually discourage me from wearing it. When he hugs me or reaches out for me I pretty much just go limp. Play dead hoping he’ll lose interest. He knows I’m not a physical person, but if he knew how complex my feelings were or how I’ve developed these weird habits as a deterrent it would crush him. It’s not as easy as just trying Viagra because it’s not about having trouble climaxing during sex. The issue is much more complex and involves even the most innocent forms of contact. It’s not like we’re close in other ways because it’s hard to get me to talk as well. I’m not emotionally or physically present in the relationship. Have tried about a dozen different antidepressants and have seen a few different Counsellors and Psychiatrists. Issue is only getting worse and am causing damage to our relationship and his self-esteem. Suggestions? I’m really worried.
  2. Hi, everyone... I hope you're all OK tonight. So I'm supposed to go on a road trip with my husband tomorrow...we will be visiting my in-laws. But this post is about a past relationship, one I had before I met my husband. I've been having a LOT of difficulty letting go of the past. I'm still holding onto painful memories and bitterness toward my ex-boyfriend, as well as his family and friends because of the way they all treated me. I know that relationships often fail for different reasons but I will try to explain why I'm still hurt by what happened. I started dating him (my ex) when we were in high school, at about 15 or 16 years old. We had a platonic friendship before that. Anyway, our backgrounds were very different. I was of mixed race, I was shy, and not very popular while he was African-American and not shy in the least...he was friends with pretty much everyone. No one bullied him, but I was the constant target of bullies in and out of school. He was a really sweet person back then. He stood up to some of the people who made fun of me and he had a way of making me feel somewhat better about life. I came from a broken home, a very toxic environment with an abusive stepfather and a mother who loved me but didn't understand my emotional needs. I had no friends and no other family who cared about me. I was very lonely. So you can see how a young girl with low self-esteem can easily fall for a guy who tells her she is pretty and showers her with attention, which is what he did. His parents are wealthy and although he had some issues with his father, he had a loving family. He never had to endure the constant verbal and emotional abuse that I went through. His mother and some of the other people associated with him didn't like me. I'm not sure why, really. I can only guess at some of the reasons...the color of my skin, my physical appearance, and the fact that I was considered "weird" because of my extreme shyness. His mother was a bit prejudiced and she would make comments about my fair skin, almost like she was trying to belittle me for being light-skinned. It became more complicated when we started having sex and his parents found out. His mother decided that she hated me even more because of that. In her eyes, I was just a slut who corrupted her little boy. His friends had a problem with me, too. I never did anything to his family or friends but they all hated me. They would tell him right in front of me that he could do better. I wasn't pretty enough, I was weird, etc. His father was always nice to me but I felt that it was more about pity than sincere kindness. The relationship ended back in 2007 after a series of very unfortunate events. I made a lot of terrible mistakes, which I still beat myself up over. I take full responsibility for my actions but I also attribute my bad choices to the lack of love and attention I had. I had a late-term abortion in 2004...I was basically forced to terminate the pregnancy. It was either that or wind up dead or living on the streets. I was in my early 20's, I had no money, and I couldn't support a child on my own. I was very confused and lost. His family made it clear that they would not help me. They are very judgmental people and they are extreme pro-lifers. They wanted me to have the baby, but they expected me to be on welfare. They did not tell him to take responsibility for his actions. Instead, all of the blame fell on me. My mother did NOT want me to have a baby out of wedlock. My stepfather would have k***ed me if he had known about the pregnancy...I mean that literally. After the abortion, his family put me through hell. They turned against me, adding to the abuse that I've suffered most of my life. My ex had issues with substance abuse and he became abusive towards me after I terminated the pregnancy. Not physically, but verbally and emotionally. He would blow up at me over nothing, calling me the most horrible names and saying I was stupid. Our conversations would consist of me crying uncontrollably. He even asked me if the baby had been his, implying that I was promiscuous. When he found out about another mistake I'd made, he told everyone about it. He slandered me to everyone. Anyway, we broke up and I met the man who is now my husband. I love my husband but I can't stop thinking obsessively about my ex. I replay all the things that happened in my mind. I remember the nights I would lie awake, sobbing into my pillow because of how he treated me. I remember the time he cheated on me and contracted an STD...I forgave him for that, although he denied cheating on me, but he couldn't forgive me my mistakes. I can't allow myself to remember the good times we had, because that would just be even more painful. It feels "safer" to be angry and to hate him, to hate all of them. He is now with somebody else. He has been with her since about 2009. During one of the last conversations we had a few years ago, he told me that I could be replaced. That hurt me deeply. I can't fathom saying that to anyone, let alone a person I once loved. This girl has pictures of them together all over Facebook. I've heard that he treats her very well and that she is happy. She is even friends with his sister on Facebook. But what really hurts is the most recent picture that she posted on Facebook...she is holding a baby boy that looks just like him. I'm convinced that they now have a baby together. It tears me up inside. I guess this proves that I haven't recovered from my broken heart. I've just been able to hide it. I'm married and my husband doesn't seem to want kids, but this girl seems to have all the things I want, except that I'm more attractive physically. His family seems to have accepted her just fine, while I was treated like crap. This only confirms my feelings of being unloved and unwanted. Sure, my mother and my husband love me, but this is a situation that not even therapy can fix. I'm sorry for my long-winded post. I know I sound like an obsessive nutcase. I know that it is unhealthy to focus on the past, especially as a married woman. But I don't know how to move beyond this. I thought I was getting better...but I'm not sure anymore. Has anybody else been through something like this?
  3. This is my day dream, that happens to pop into my head. It has been around since I've been 16-17. It is soemthing I wanted to use for a basis of a story, but I often grew to envious and scrapped it Anyways enjoy! The sun shines down into my face. I get annoyed as my nose starts battling the rays omitted by the sun itself. I listen intently as I hear the bed covers move. I immediately open my eyes, and before my eyes lay a stranger, a woman no less, in the same bed as me. Panic sunk in my mind, as I begin to scan around for clues as to what may have happened, and what the hell I am doing with a strange woman in my bed. Then my eyes focused in on a picture. It was me… with the woman… in wedding attires. I then begin to feel my left hand and low and behold a wedding band. I begin to pull my hair as my mind starts swirling in circle. “Mhmmm… Good morning, hunnie!” I look over at the smiling woman when I realize it was my wife. She was the person I suddenly felt closest to as I saw her face. Before I could concentrate even more, I was tackle by two short figures. “WAKE UP MOMMY AND DADDY!!!” The two little children yelled. This felt like another slap in to me as never recalled this event. I look down at the giggling boy and girl, and they try their hardest to take me down, but I decide to play along with them, as I grab a hold of them, and fall back, making them scream with excitement and joy. I begin to tickle them as the laughter of my son and daughter, and the near laughing coming from my wife mix together, making a sweet symphonic tune that plays in my head, and makes me cry on the spot.
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