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Hi there, I wanted to share a couple of my thoughts on depression. I have been struggling with it for 3 years now, and still struggle with this dreadful condition till today. Since it started YouTube was my go to place for solutions. Surprisingly, it did not help me with all of the information out there claiming nutrition, exercise and a change of mindset is all you need. Wish it was that simple right! Since I was already in the gym and my nutrition was pretty good, I started trying to change my mindset with no real luck, the negative thoughts kept bashing in my head and I just wanted to sleep all day to get rid of it. You will never succeed, you are useless to your family and community, you will always be poor and in debt, all the people you know are rich and have surpassed you. It's really better for everyone if you just die. Add to that the ridiculous anxiety and panic attacks for a lovely psychological tornado. I could not handle all of that in addition to work pressure. I decided to go to psychiatrist, the visit took 5 minutes and he prescribed me an anti depression. That drug played with my mind for a couple of weeks before it kicked in. It made me on snooze mood with no care in the world. I added online therapy with it to get a better result. I felt at ease in the first couple of months but started noting the symptoms crawling back! I noticed that the drugs killed my anxiety and panic attacks but it worked as a pain killer for the depression. Therapy was not of much benefit to me as all of them were focusing on challenging my negative thoughts all the time with no real solution. I guess I got more depressed because of their stories. I have stopped the anti depressions for almost three months now and feel the depression coming back with a splash, they really just numb you up and don't really treat it. I still go to therapy and write out my feelings which helps me out a lot. The most thing that crushed me in the last couple of years is facing this dilemma alone and the hit I took in my finances and social life. Had 3 divorces, lost all my money in a scam, noted that I was all alone in this world with no friends or passions to keep me distracted. It was really hard for me and still is. I feel stupid, useless and a loss of space. However, I really know deep down that this will not last forever and there is always hope. To get back to topic, here is the things I wish that I have done in the past to face it: 1- don't face it alone find a social group should be supporting you. 2- don't make any life decisions in this state, 9 out of 10 they will be wrong. 3- don't isolate yourself from the world and run for pleasure through porn, movies and Netflix. 4- share your agony with your family and they will not judge you. Sometimes I think this is a punishment from God for my bad sins, but I know that it's an illness and anyone can get it, so I will always have faith that one day I will be free.
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Hi everybody... this is the first time I've started a thread since I've been on DF. This is yet another night where I can't sleep because I'm tortured by depression. I apologize in advance for any potential triggers. I have come to accept that very few people care about me. While I'm sure that some people do love me very much (my mother and my husband), they have other priorities in life and they don't understand my pain. I have no one to talk to. My depression is slowly eating away at me. I am dying inside and no one cares. I am 28 years old. I have no friends, no job because of a severe learning disability, no children, and I'm a mental/emotional wreck. I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder due to years of bullying and abuse of various kinds, including discrimination based on my race. I rarely leave my apartment anymore. I feel ugly and unworthy of love because of how I've been treated over the years. My husband loves me in his own way but he doesn't understand what I deal with on a daily basis. Sometimes he will try to comfort me, but at other times, he can be a bit insensitive. He thinks that I have a "woe is me" attitude when this is not the case. I'm not looking for pity...I simply need to feel that I matter to somebody in this world. The last attempt I made at therapy was a dismal failure. The therapist was not only uncaring but very cruel in her responses to anything I said. She didn't listen. If I can't even find a therapist who cares, there is no hope. My life means nothing. I mean nothing to anyone. My family never loved me. I've always been a joke to them. Before I met my husband, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship that scarred me deeply. I was abused in the same way by my stepfather, who continues to belittle me to this day. My biological father was never really involved in my life that much but now he calls me constantly...I'm hurt, angry, and confused. He was never there when I needed him most and now he is trying to make up for lost time. Where was he when my stepfather was hurting me and destroying me mentally, as well as emotionally? My mother also played a part in this because she stood by for years and allowed it to happen. This has had a profound impact on my mental/emotional health and my whole life. I've never had stability, security, and the things that many other people enjoy...friendships, a good job, and a sense of self-worth. My life is just a black hole. I will never be somebody in life. I'm a loser. Perhaps I deserve to be hurt. I'm sorry to complain. I know that others have it worse, but at the same time, I'm sick of having my pain ignored and minimized. I'm sick of being judged. I'm sick of being shunned and misunderstood and rejected. Most of all, I'm sick of life...even as I recognize that there is still some beauty in the world and I shouldn't take it for granted.
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Hi Everyone, 23 year old gay male here. Just recently move to a new city for graduate school, and I've found it very difficult to get my social life back on track. I was dating a guy as soon as I arrived here whom I met on the internet, but he broke up with me after about a month. He was the first person I ever dated, and after he dumped me I sank into a deep depression. I finally got out of that depression when I found myself making more friends. However, I've developed attachments to two of the friends I made around that time, and this is causing me to be depressed more than I was before. I'll focus on one friend for now, whom I'll refer to as "D." He's also gay. I might have a slight crush on him, although he has a boyfriend so I've tried to hold back. We've become pretty close friends in a short amount of time, and I've developed an unhealthy, obsessive attachment to him. It's sort of like being on a drug (although I've never been on drugs so I don't know exactly what that's like). I'm very happy when I see him, but afterwards I begin to feel sad. If he has to cancel plans or can't hang out with me for some reason, I become very depressed and want to act spiteful towards him. This has led to many mood swings over the past few weeks. I also have many irrational thoughts, such as thinking that he doesn't like me or doesn't want to spend time with me, even though he consistently demonstrates quite the opposite. The rational side of me knows that the irrational thoughts I have a wrong, but my emotions seem to be siding with my irrational side, hence causing me to be depressed. I know this sounds kind of confusing. I really do like spending time with this person and I don't want to have to give him up as a friend because of my obsessive tendencies, but it's getting more and more difficult to maintain a healthy relationship with him. Any advice would be appreciated. Not many people understand this condition... Thanks, Wombat -
alrightie guys, first of all im sorry if i make any grammar mistakes , that’s because English isn’t my native language, surely ms-office is doing a great job with auto correction (not that im complaing ) :D .. anyways, im 31 years old guy, the eldest one in the family among my siblings and cousins , currently separated (arranged marriage)not that it matters . I have never, not even once talked about what bothers me inside, my life , relationships or whats in my mind . girls would go like (if only I know what’s inside your head) , sadly, I find that talking about myself is a sign of weakness , I mean, who am I to talk about what bothers me , what makes me depressed and think about harming myself, while other people on this planet are getting raped, killed or living in the streets without a shelther, food , or even decent clothes to keep them warm at night. I think I developed a thought that I have no right to complain , I have a roof above my head, some food to eat and for that im thankful. I survived harming myself a few times. I really stopped caring about whether I live or die. People call me heartless cuz I say that truth no matter how it is without coating it. I don’t believe in love “sorry ladies” , to be honest, I made myself to believe that love is only an excuse for other people to get what they want. “I love you, give me your money, I love you, lets have sex” its always something you need to pay for being loved. Im sure you probably disagree and say that love is still around, I would say, probably, but not for me. I mean, to love someone, you’d be able to forgive your loved one even If they step over your head, me? The funny thing is , I used to be that nice guy that would forgive anyone, understand everything , if you slap me on the face, I’d be like “if it makes you happy, slap me more” . to be honest, I don’t miss my old self, its dead. And when I remember how kind and understanding I was, I would go puke. So what turned me like this you say? (hey if you aren’t wondering about that why are you reading?.. shoo , shoo!! Go away!!) :P “big sigh” , well… It all starts with the parents…. (I’ll pause here for a while cuz it triggered some bad memories, im going out for a while). Alrightie , my mother comes from a poor family , who was forced into marriage when she was 15 years old to distant relative who’s been rich. I came to this world. 1 year after that marriage. Well, I don’t remember my childhood , that’s for sure. Dad never really cared, the only thing he cared about was providing food for the family , the rest was thrown on mom. So, being abused by my dad’s side of the family, having no family support on her side at all , no money to do anything, completely trapped. She had to take out her stress on her children. And who’s the best candidate for that? The eldest one of course. After my mom grew a bit old. She’s like “I feel sorry for abusing you” and im like “don’t worry I forgive you” . I used to self harm a lot, cuz I stopped caring . I was one of the top students in school even though I never studied. When I graduated from high school, got a scholarship to the states? What do you think was my parents reply? .. “was that all you could do? You didn’t even get in to medicine college?” I was like “I don’t wanna operate on a human body that’s why I choose engineering”. (sigh again) . not even a hug, not even a word “congratulations” . Dad is a professor in a college, he’s rich, but his brain is so messed up, he thinks he’s better than everyone else, if its not his way, then its wrong. He often used to tell me “under my roof , under my rules” , I’d often go “**** your rules” and end up leaving the house, since I am the eldest in the whole family , my uncles and grandparents come to me, and tell me its my duty to go home and do whatever my dad tells me to , cuz that’s the duty of the eldest son. Having no where to go, no place to feel welcomed to I decided to go back to my home and stay there, be the good son that everyone wish to have. If I get abused, I say “yes , whatever you say”. Lets say I used to get abused up until I was 21 years old , I used to practice martial arts back then, whenever I was stressed , I used to go there, punch the punching bag. I used to pick fights in the streets , if someone bothers me while I am driving, I would ram my car into his . I even used to pick up fights with the cops. I don’t know how I managed to stay out of jail, probably my family’s influence . just to clear things up, my dad used to abuse my up as well. I used to think of it as practice for martial arts :P . I refused to take money from my parents cuz they kept humiliating me, so I used to work and study at the same time. s***ty jobs and often I barely have enough money just to pay for gas. I used to do the groceries for him, pick up my siblings from school and drop them there, do their errands, it was hell. Anyways…. I knew a girl , she was also rich, but of course she never knew about my relationship with my parents, I used to hide with a smile and lovely romantic behavior , roses, restaurants . it lasted for 8 years, when it came to marriage, she decided we weren’t right for each other since her family doesn’t want anyone with a different religion, I mean what happened to the promises? I had a fight with my family over here and did my part cuz my parents never agree on marrying someone outside of the family. When it came to her part, she said she was sorry and she found the right guy. Since im not a stalker . I wished her happiness and let her go. Met few girls after that and all I heard was “you’re a nice guy, but sorry, my ex wants me back , and I love him” (typical **** off line). I got depressed, really depressed , I had no freedom, no money , no friends , all those who are call themselves my friends were only around me cuz they wanned help with their studies, no love from parents or a girl friend, I used to spend my time alone at the beach looking at the sunrise and wondering , whats wrong with me? What have I done to deserve this, should I just die and leave everything behind, to put an end to this suffering? I got into lots of accidents, from speeding. all I heard was “WHAT THE **** DID YOU DO TO THE CAR NOW?” .. I mean the first thing you’d expect to hear would be “are you hurt? Are you ok?” , I never got it out of my parents. I got kicked out of college for absence , I was too depressed to attend classes, I would just go to the library and help some students who had problems, and never show up for the midterms or finals . I was a ******* mess. Of course , after I got kicked out of college. No one knew for 2 years. I used to pretend that I was attending classes , then I decided to blow it. Wow, my parents were really disappointed in me, neither of them would talk to me for 6 months or even allow me to have a meal with them,yet, they still demanded that I help my siblings with their school and errands. I lost 25 kg (50 lb or so) , no sleep , no food. Just thinking about dying. After that I had to borrow some money, save a lot of money and decided to go to a trip to paris alone , I spent 15 days, done crazy stuff , got a busted knee, I couldn’t go back to martial arts anymore. It was over. After that, on a rainy day, I was walking alone in the rain, thinking “whats the point in all this?” after that, I decided to change, no more being nice guy, no more letting people step over my head. No more giving a s*** about other people. Love does not exist, I started filling my head with thoughts and came back another person. I went back, decided to continue college, got a deploma in mechanics , sadly that year wasn’t a good year, so they didn’t send students on scholarship even though I was the 2nd best of all students. I got a job. The 1st thing that my parents would do is to make me get married to a relative, to strengthen the bonds between the two families , they had to put the fake smiles and show what a perfect family we are. To be honest, I didn’t care , so I decided to agree. Was living 8 years of my life with a person that I don’t know anything about, I don’t love, I had 0 common things, we don’t like the same food, we don’t like the same style of clothes, colors we never shared the same opinion , we don’t have the same mentality. She’s one of the rich spoiled people who doesn’t give a s*** about anything as long as she buys guccie and prada , shoes, bags , dresses, diamonds , or spend a night at the w-resort in the Maldives, that’s like 1700 bucks a night? I have a 5 years old son , and 2 on the way. She fills up his head with bulls*** and he often comes to me and ask why cant mommie lives with you. Anyways, I might have to get her back, cuz I want my son to have a normal life, a childhood and happy moments. I have never been drunk , not even once in my life. I don’t drink even. I don’t know what would happen if I lose control over my brain and let go. Anyways, what am I now? I am the kinda guy who you’d come to when you’re in trouble, listen to your problems, give some nice advice. Or just listen without saying anything, when someone asks me “don’t you wanna talk to me about what bothers you?” I’d reply “don’t worry your problem is a lot bigger than mine”, I would go to http://lifesucksbigtime.com/ , give advice and try to cheer people up. I love animals more than human .. anyways, im usually nice to kids , somehow they do not fear my scary looks , if I see a kid crying in the street I usually go there and buy some candy and give it to the parent , or make some funny faces to cheer them up , I’ve been called crazy many times in my life , I think only crazy people with no restrains can enjoy life. Right now im a certified diver, I dived with sharks and been to some nice wrecks at night , its so scary, but amazing at the same time. My son is the reason im staying a live right now. Im the good employee, I tell jokes, make everyone smile and laugh , when someone is in trouble I help them out. If 2 friends have a problem with each other, they end up dragging me in between and I fix them “including my parents and their sons and daughters” how ironic. But you know whats funny ? do you ever have the feeling that you’re surrounded by many people? But yet, you’re lonely? I despise family gathering, cuz yet, I have to put a fake smile, and listen to everyone nagging about how they couldn’t travel or buy the newest model car. Now you’re wondering, ok whats wrong? Why are you depressed? Why are you here? I admit ,my problem is not like everyone else, I managed to pull myself up , I don’t wanna **** myself but I don’t care how im living my life (that’s an improvement, right?) . I don’t hate my parents, I just feel sorry for them, cuz I wont visit their graves when they die, I wont remember the happy moments I spent with them cuz I don’t have any , I did not have a childhood or a normal teenaged life. I am depressed cuz im alone , I have no real friends, it would be months or even years for someone to call me and say “hey, I was just wondering how you are” , even though I used to call them all the time to ask about their health. They only call me when they are having a bad day. I have no one that loves me, someone who shares a passion with me. Im alone, yes , some of u would say I already have a son… but I want a special person, who’s only nice to me cuz they care about me. Thinking about me when im gone. Sad if im sad, happy when im happy. Who’d nag at me until I tell them what bothers me. Sadly im only surrounded by materialistic people , like once a girl, called me crying and wants to die cus her parent didn’t buy her 7000 bucks guccie bag -.- Sometimes I wanna blow up, scream , shout, bash things. That’s when I lock myself at home until it passes away . I don’t know, compared to lots of people , my problem is the silliest one, im all alone at night, at work, when I travel. I just hope I don’t die alone. The only way to keep myself from going insane is to keep tipping people, giving some change to bums in the streets, looking for people who are suffering and help them out. Volunteer to help animals. But in the end, I always wonder, who’s gonna be there to help me. I haven’t cried for 15 years . I think I developed a second personality, but I don’t wanna talk about that. It’s the 1st time I talk about my past, whats in my mind , and what I did , what I do. Its never easy to tell people around that you need to talk to, but they never care. I think its easier to be invisible, talk about your life and vanish. So I wont talk about my life anymore, I only talked about what comes to my mind . I hate people seeing my conversations , so If you wanna help , or you wanna talk, just send me a pm, and I promise I’ll reply. If not, thank you for wasting your time reading this crap :) . i dont know, maybe this step would make it easier to be open about whats inside me. i have to admit , telling the story makes me feel stupid. but im glad im not alone who's suffering from the same problem. thats it , i guess.
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Well Basically Hi, My names ben Im 16 Ive had deppression for I dont even know, At least 2 years, as well as very severe social anxiety I dont know how to structure this Topic so I guess i'll start by saying stuff about me: (i'll underline the main important stuff if you dont feel like reading) About a month ago my girlfriend who I was with for over a year just completley changed and broke up with me (in a very very hurtful way) I feel so sad / weak / un motivated and alone all the time most of the time I can hardley be bothered to eat, and its making me very ill I completley hate myself, I think I am SO ugly, I have no self asteem or self confidence. I fear going outside because people will think im ugly or hate me or something and so I constantly hold my head down to avoid people seeing me. Im doing so bad in school because im too un motivated and preocupied by sadness I do have friends, but I never feel like they're my friends, sometimes it seems like loads of people like me and are all my friends, other times it seems no one wants to talk to me or do anything with me, usually its the latter. All my friends dont properly know me, no one does. and it seems like no one wants to properly know me. Everyone at school has different opinions about me, the majority is im "just some ****** who avoids people and always has his head down" thats pretty much the opinion of everyone not in my year, for people in my year many of them think of me as some weirdo, when i started developing these problems in secondary school I didnt know what to do, and I pretty much did act like a weirdo and was very attention seeking because i didnt know how to deal with this stuff or even talk to people properly, over the years up to know I got gradually less weird and attention seeking and more avoiding people. and So everyone I know thinks of me as some different person, That isnt even me at all. Despite my confidence and self asteem issues (which are mainly about my appearnce) I think that people will actually like the real me, But like ive said it seems to me that no one wants to get to know me, and I find it so so so so so hard to talk to people (not that anyone wants to talk to me at all) I am ashamed to say, The only way I can be at all social is with a drink. I know that is incredibly bad but Its so hard for me to talk to people and be around people and anything like that at all. I rarely am invited to hang out with friends but the times I am and there is alcohol involved, I can go and its fine and people like me. Once again I know its so bad! I know I shouldnt drink and I dont anymore. I wish I could be social without alcohol, I wish I was happy, I wish I could be social and had friends who wanted to know me and talk to me. just some extra info: im on sertraline (zoloft) and have counseling, neither of which seem to help, and I have many times attempted suicide Im just SO alone, I need someone to talk to, please I feel so alone. I know that if i could do something about my appearance it would majorly boost my confidence enough for me to be able to go in to the playground at break/lunch (instead of sitting somewhere crying) and talk to people, then maybe they might get to know me and maybe people can like me or whatever. But at the moment everything just seems so hopless. I feel so lonely. I cant take it! no one wants to talk to me!!! no one wants to know me!!! im so sad all the time!!! No one would ever want to be with me!!! all I do is sit at home being sad!! I HATE MY LIFE!!! :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( please can I have some people to talk to please :'( please :'( i need people to talk to :'(
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It's nearly Valentine's Day and this is probably the worst occasion even more than the Christmas holiday! I'm so lonely, sad and depressed!
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Hey guys, it's me again. I still feel like a loser. Sometimes, I'm tired of people keep saying, think positive, or it gets better, or be strong. I have heard this a thousand times. No, things do not get better. Really, I'm just sick, tired, and hurt. I dunno what to do, I dunno where to go, I dunno who to turn to. Every time someone tells me to "think positive" to me, it's just false hope, they just want me to put a fake smile on my face, and pretend everything's gonna be ok. Well guess what, they aren't gonna be ok. Things are just not that simple. They do it so they don't have to listen to what I have to say. But when I don't people would accuse me of being emo and keeps away from me. This, rejection just hurts me more than anything. Emo, and depression, are 2 different things. Emo is just a fad, they're just a bunch of people who are never happy, wear black, listen to metal music and think they got it tough. More or less, theyre faking they're depression. Why do people have to be so cold, cruel, heartless, selfish and greedy? It's not like I want this, it's not like I asked to be depressed. Infact, what have I done to deserve such bad luck? I know, I am just the biggest loser in the world. I'm dumb, i'm talentless, i'm not rich, i'm not popular. I don't have no fancy education. I'm a nobody, i'm nothing. I can't do anything right. Anyone who says everyone is good in something have obviously never met me before. I have failed everyone around me. I don't have friends, I don't have a job, and I don't have money, I have nothing. I can't make or keep friends, i'm a bad friend. I'm always alone in the world, an outcast among outcasts. Everyone hates me. Even my mom. All she ever does is nagging me half to death. Do this, do that, clean this, clean that, get a job, and other stuff. What does she take me for? A servant, a butler, an unpaid maid? She just tells me to do stuff so that she don't have to do it. And I prefer to do things at my own pace, in my own time. Incase ya havent noticed, I don't take being told what to do too well anyways. Not even once does my mom even try to be loving, understanding and supportive. The things that I so desprately want. I would give up anything just to be liked, just to be accepted, just to have friends and family that like me and understand me for who I am. Just to be like normal. I'm only after what everyone else is after. Sometimes, I just wanna run away from home, so that I can do what I want, and when I feel like doing it. Or one better, end my own life, and all the pain, all the suffering would go away...
