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  1. TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF SUICIDE- STRONG LANGUAGE ———————————————————————— This will be a veeeeeery long post, just telling yah ———————————————————————— Hi everyone and welcome to my blog. I joined the DF yesterday because for the first time in my life I thought about comiting suicide and it made me really afraid to have those kind of thoughts so I decided to reach out. In future entries I will be telling you about myself and sharing bits of my life. I hope I can serve as a crutch for those who are struggling with depressive thoughts just like me. This is what I posted yesterday (you can find it in the forum under the name “I want to end my life”): ” Hi everyone, Today, for the first time in my life I seriously considered suicide. I had never done so before, sometimes I just joked around saying things like “oh shoot me” or “just end me now”, but it’s only now that I realise that it’s been no longer a joke for a while. My sister said today that I only “make her miserable and ruin her life”, my brother said that I’m a “bad sister” and my parents think I’m an embarassment to this family. And honestly? They are right. You might read this and think I’m an exaggerated idiot, but this episode is only what pushed me over the edge. My family loves me, I have great friends, good health and I’m financially stable. So why do I want to **** myself? I don’t want to die because I hate life, I LOVE life, I love what I’m studying and I’m full of projects and dreams to make come true. But the thing is, what’s the point in doing anything of all of this if it brings pain and sadness to my family? I know they love me and I know they would mourn me and be sad for a while, but I’m sure they would heal, move on with their lives and in the end be thankful to me for making their lives easier by disappearing once and for all. I’m really really scared. I never had such dark thoughts before; I even traced out different plans on how to end my life!!! And I can’t talk about this with anyone I know because I would jut make them feel even worse with all my depressing nonsense than I already am by being alive. Sorry for this buzzkill post, but I needed to share this with someone, even if it’s random people on the interntet. “ Pretty sad uh? Depression is a monster that comes out of ****ing nowhere and kocks you right in your ass. But all trough the day I recieved beautiful answers and great advice from strangers who were kind enough to reach out and help me navigate through this difficult times. I don’t know why my update automaticaly puts itself as “hidden” but I wanted to share my update with you guys and hopfuly the kind souls that wrote me back might bump into this and recieve their more than owed answer. This is what I wrote today: ”UPDATE! Hi everyone, It’s been a very very intense, emotionaly draining day and I want nothing more than going to bed but I feel like I owe you an update on my situation since I already threw all of my sadness your way, might as well now give you some good news. Thank you so so so so much for all of your kind words, encouragement and advice. I took this day for myself and called the number of the hotline you gave me but it told me it’s only for people from Australia. Notwithstanding, it inspired me to look for my country’s own suicide hotline(which I didn’t know existed in my country) and had a great talk with one of the professionals that volunteer there that lasted for like two hours. They helped me realize that although my pain is very valid, ending my life would be a cowardly move, the easy way out, and I might be a lot of things but I for sure ain’t a coward. I need to face my problems head on. Ending my life it’s just a way from running from troubble, and it won’t actually solve everything; it would only lesve behind sorrow and unresolved problems for the rest of eternity. After that enlightning chat I just layed in bed for a while listening to music and googling songs that matched my gloomy/reflective mood. During that time I found a Tim McGraw song called “**** myself” (I know that when I post this the name will seem very odd because of the dots that will appear instead of the word), and I thought it perfectly matched my mood. As I listened to the lyrics something clicked. The song didn’t talk about him actually physicaly commiting suicide but of getting rid of his old self, his worst version and to become a more worthwhile human being. And this is what I want to do with my life. I’ll try my damn hardest to be the best version of myself and to bring more light into the world because God knows I can’t do that if I’m dead; I can’t help people if I’m dead, I can’t contribute to society if I’m dead, I can’t be there for my family and friends if I’m dead and I can’t follow my dreams if I’m dead. Another thing I listened to today was a beautiful poem about suicide that it honestly made me cry. I never heard a poem so strong, inspiring and beautiful before. It really helped me and I’m sure it will be useful for anyone going through what I’m going through. One of you guys told me that I should work on finding something to do, something to look foward to and someone to love. I found this advice truly helpful and I’m really trying to do it. I even wrote a list with several items under each category. I wouldn’t have made this progress today without your help and your kind words, you have no idea how much they mean to me. Honestly, the most inspiring and uplifting thing that happened today was not getting your lovely answers to my post but just the mere fact of learning that there are more people out there in the same situation as I am or that where in the same situation who are willing to take some time of their day in order to help strangers facing the same struggles they are facing or used to face. Of course that the progress I made today doesn’t mean that I’m suddenly happy and purposeful, I know that I still have a long way to go until I heal, that I have a lot of pending conversations to have with those closest to me (eventhough they’ll suck) and some many more tears to shed until I can get this ugly demon that is depression out of my heart and head. It will be hard. I know that. But eventhough the road ahead I see right now might not be very smooth and sunny, at least now I can see a road to follow. An ugly path is better than no path at all. I’m sure the sun will shine for me again. After each storm the sun always returns, so why would it be any different for me? It’s only natural for the sun to return once the storm passes. I just have to hold on until it does.” ———————————————————————— Well, this is all for today. I’m absolutely exhausted. I’ll be posting more soon. Stay sane, safe and happy! RSK
  2. Hi, I am not a big forum poster...I think this is my 2nd or 3rd post ever on any kind of forum. I have a hard time writing about what I am feeling so when I do it just all comes out in one big pile. Sorry for the lengthy post, but I guess I'm looking to hear other people's opinions/insight/advice on my situation, and I would like to hear if any one else is struggling with some, or all, of the things I am. Here it goes.... I constantly feel weighed down by this "feeling". I have a lot of trouble explaining to people what I am feeling because it isn't just one emotion, and there aren't really any thoughts associated with it. It is strictly an overwhelming feeling......it makes me feel as though I am not cut out for life or that I just can't handle life. I see a counselor, and I have seen several in the past 3 years. Although some things have changed for the better with therapy, I have still been unable to escape this feeling, and I still feel as though I cannot keep going through life. I just want to escape everything. Initially I believed the doctors when they said I had depression. But now, after a couple years of therapy, 1 small overdose, and multiple medication changes, I feel that I do not have depression. I feel as though I am just not cut out for life- I am unable and unwilling to go through the dreaded journey of life. Some of the reasons/feelings/thoughts behind this include.... 1) I am constantly worrying and thinking that I am just seeking attention. I feel that I am choosing to act this way, and all I need to do is to put forth effort to stop acting this way. 2) On my best days I feel a little more productive and hopeful than usual. I am by no means happy & positive on these days, but rather I am more likely to see my situation as temporary, and I am more willing to start putting forth effort to try and get better. ....of course these days don't last long.......I always rapidly fall back into the state where I feel nothing will ever change. Where I feel overwhelmed, sad, upset, angry, & frustrated etc.. Everyday feels like it will be a struggle for the rest of my life. 3) I avoid going out with friends because just even the thought of getting ready to go out makes me feel even more overwhelmed. If I do try to push through that feeling and go out with friends, it makes me feel very impulsive and anxious, and I have a stronger urge to so something rash like overdose, etc. in order to escape the pain. 4) I am 24 years old and I have NEVER had a boyfriend. I am not trying to sound conceded here but....I have decent looks, a good sense of fashion, and I am not socially awkward. When I get asked out on dates, I usually go on the first date or so then completely avoid the guy. I am petrified of any sort of physical intimacy & contact which is why I think I sabotage all potential boyfriends. I feel like I will never be comfortable enough around people to have a boyfriend. 5) No one knows or see's that I am struggling mentally. I feel that if I were truly depressed, then it would be very evident/obvious to the people around me. However, in my situation no knows that I am struggling....only counselors. My housemates, my family, my peers, my coworkers have no idea. And I don't want them to ever know. I have a very public & social parttime job where I have to be talking to groups of people.....and I am able to pull myself together to make sure no one knows I am struggling. If I were truly depressed, I am assuming I would not be able to pull myself together for such a thing? 6) I cannot stand to keep going through life feeling like this for much longer. But at the same time, I feel like I have no desire or effort to change. As a result, my current state for the past year has been just waiting until I have the guts to end my life, or waiting for something else to push me to my breaking point.
  3. How can I express myself, who am I ? certainly not just a person who suffers from anxiety and depression. I am a person who was brought from non existence into existence by a loving creator. Thank-you God, you are good. An intelect that longs to please you, but a body that suffers in a storm of emotions. From within the storm I thank you, because everything really is good, it's just my mind, that's not quite right. God willing tomorrow I will wake and thank you for the precious gift of another day.
  4. Well Basically Hi, My names ben Im 16 Ive had deppression for I dont even know, At least 2 years, as well as very severe social anxiety I dont know how to structure this Topic so I guess i'll start by saying stuff about me: (i'll underline the main important stuff if you dont feel like reading) About a month ago my girlfriend who I was with for over a year just completley changed and broke up with me (in a very very hurtful way) I feel so sad / weak / un motivated and alone all the time most of the time I can hardley be bothered to eat, and its making me very ill I completley hate myself, I think I am SO ugly, I have no self asteem or self confidence. I fear going outside because people will think im ugly or hate me or something and so I constantly hold my head down to avoid people seeing me. Im doing so bad in school because im too un motivated and preocupied by sadness I do have friends, but I never feel like they're my friends, sometimes it seems like loads of people like me and are all my friends, other times it seems no one wants to talk to me or do anything with me, usually its the latter. All my friends dont properly know me, no one does. and it seems like no one wants to properly know me. Everyone at school has different opinions about me, the majority is im "just some ****** who avoids people and always has his head down" thats pretty much the opinion of everyone not in my year, for people in my year many of them think of me as some weirdo, when i started developing these problems in secondary school I didnt know what to do, and I pretty much did act like a weirdo and was very attention seeking because i didnt know how to deal with this stuff or even talk to people properly, over the years up to know I got gradually less weird and attention seeking and more avoiding people. and So everyone I know thinks of me as some different person, That isnt even me at all. Despite my confidence and self asteem issues (which are mainly about my appearnce) I think that people will actually like the real me, But like ive said it seems to me that no one wants to get to know me, and I find it so so so so so hard to talk to people (not that anyone wants to talk to me at all) I am ashamed to say, The only way I can be at all social is with a drink. I know that is incredibly bad but Its so hard for me to talk to people and be around people and anything like that at all. I rarely am invited to hang out with friends but the times I am and there is alcohol involved, I can go and its fine and people like me. Once again I know its so bad! I know I shouldnt drink and I dont anymore. I wish I could be social without alcohol, I wish I was happy, I wish I could be social and had friends who wanted to know me and talk to me. just some extra info: im on sertraline (zoloft) and have counseling, neither of which seem to help, and I have many times attempted suicide Im just SO alone, I need someone to talk to, please I feel so alone. I know that if i could do something about my appearance it would majorly boost my confidence enough for me to be able to go in to the playground at break/lunch (instead of sitting somewhere crying) and talk to people, then maybe they might get to know me and maybe people can like me or whatever. But at the moment everything just seems so hopless. I feel so lonely. I cant take it! no one wants to talk to me!!! no one wants to know me!!! im so sad all the time!!! No one would ever want to be with me!!! all I do is sit at home being sad!! I HATE MY LIFE!!! :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( please can I have some people to talk to please :'( please :'( i need people to talk to :'(
  5. I work at Walmart as a new associate. I have been there only about 4 months. My mom used to drive me to work because I am not a good driver. I have had a few lessons but I'm not ready to drive any time soon. I do have my learner's permit but everyone in my family is to busy to teach me to drive. My mom isn't a good teacher and my aunt has her own 14 kids and volunteer activities so she can't give lessons. My mom found a new job- a night job despite the fact that I found her a ton of jobs during the day so she could drive me at night. She had an excuse for why she wouldn't be hired at any one of those jobs. I gave up and hired a driver who, while she is a nice lady, drove me for about 3 weeks then had to have surgery for a condition she has. She's not to blame for anything and I'm glad she is going to get the surgery and be okay. But now I need to hire another driver and not many people are to anxious to drive someone who works part time evenings. I get that but I want to hold onto my job. I live in one area of town but got hired in another part of town. The distance from home to work is only about 15 minutes. Taking a cab costs $20 dollars each way. Buses make me nervous and I refuse to get on one if I can help it which my mom and aunt don't understand because they aren't scared of anything. Especially my mom who has some disgusting habits. I'm severely anemic and underweight as it is. Riding my bike even 15 minutes makes me very tired. And riding my bike to work means I have to go through the highway because that's the fastest way to work but on my bike it would take me at least 40-50 minutes and since I'm so skinny- I get cold in the summer sometimes- putting on winter clothes will only do so much. I feel like I'm complaining but I've only done that to about 3 people and mostly it's my neighbor I complain anyways. I think my complaing about my situation makes me look like an *** and a baby. I have tried to make the best of my situation. I tried to hire another driver and still keep my job. No one at work lives around me or works my hours. Although everyone at my Walmart works odd hours. I also keep getting sick. My health is okay but I get a lot of colds and other problems and my energy is very low but even with my problems I get to work on the days I need to and do what I have to. I feel depressed every few days and think thoughts I'm not supposed to but I don't act on them. I force myself out of bed even when I'm dead tired even if I've been sleeping for hours. Basically I'm in a rut. I'm not really going anywhere. I'm just existing and that makes me miserable.
  6. <blockquote> <i>"A leaf fluttered in through the window this morning, as if supported by the rays of the sun, a bird settled on the fire escape, joy in the task of coffee, joy accompanied me as I walked."</i> Anais Nin </blockquote> This is scary, I haven't written openly and honestly in many years and I really need to start doing so again. I feel like everything that was important to me was left behind years ago and I've just sort of wrapped myself up in the security of being invisible and not really existing outside of my head. It's time for me to take action and begin taking steps in my life to actually recreate myself. I lost my father this year and honestly, I don't want to die alone and scared of the world and trapped in my addictions like he did. I don't want to forget how blue the sky is and how much the smell of the autumn air makes my heart coo and purr and squeal. I've been numb and asleep and just holding on tight to my pain and fear and anger for so long that the process of opening my eyes and my heart terrifies me. I'm tired of feeling ashamed of my life. I'm tired of punishing myself with excess and imbalance and I <strike>need to</strike> am taking steps to heal myself. I'm going to call my therapist in the morning and begin seeing him again even though I'm ashamed of the fact that I've allowed some of my "numbing" behaviors to return to my life. I <strike>can't</strike> won't allow that all or nothing sort of 12 step mentality to rule my life; I'm not drinking or doing drugs (and haven't since 1992)but I still struggle with my need to escape through various means (food, tv, books, morpgs etc) and I honestly believe that I can gain balance if I can just find focus and structure with these things. I've recently realized that I need to change my entire mental relationship with food in order to regain my health. I need to stop thinking of unhealthy foods as rewards and adapt to thinking of healthy, nourishing food and physical activity as "treats" to myself. <span style="font-weight:bold;">10 Acts of Self-Love: (for this week)</span> <bl> <li>Dress, brush teeth, do hair every morning</li> <li>Walk for pleasure with my dog daily</li> <li>Spend 15 minutes of household cleaning daily</li> <li>Write openly and honestly daily</li> <li>Call my therapist and set up an appointment</li> <li>Take the time to prepare 3 healthy meals and 2 healthy snacks daily</li> <li>Create something</li> <li>Assemble my new desk and blinds</li> <li>Do laundry</li> <li>Spend 30 minutes each day organising one of the lower floor rooms</li> </bl> Many of these sound so simple but as someone who suffers from extreme chemical depression even dressing seems like an insurmountable task on my really rough days. <object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqZZlL0l5Uk?fs=1&hl=en_US">'>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqZZlL0l5Uk?fs=1&hl=en_US"> </param> <param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"> </param> <param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"> </param> <embed src="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqZZlL0l5Uk?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="385"></embed></object>
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