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  • **DEPRESSION - SUICIDE/CRISIS INTERVENTION**
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  • IMMEDIATE DEPRESSION SUPPORT
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Found 16 results

  1. Continuation from our first thread. Last 3 posts are here: Quote this nosleep 0 Posted Saturday at 12:38 PM · Just like you told me, don't beat yourself up about it! It's so easy to give into temptation. That's the thing with celebrities - their personal lives are out there, and it can be really hard to keep them in a little box where they only do and say things that make you happy. When they start talking about things in their real lives that don't fit into what you want from them, it can be painful, almost like they're doing it to hurt you intentionally. It's not logical to feel that way, but since when are emotions logical, right? Maybe this will be a good thing, and it will help you to move on from them? Quote this BlueStarr 89 Posted Saturday at 06:11 PM · I don't think you're stupid. I would have looked at the interview too, if I were in your place. It's too much to resist the temptation, especially if the title was something I really wanted to know about. I'm sorry to hear it was upsetting. Vent some more here if you like. We'll understand. Quote this decado 284 Posted Sunday at 03:07 AM · @nosleep & @BlueStar I hope you are both ok? Thank you so much for your kind words. I just felt so stupid yesterday. I’m sorry for coming and venting on the forum, I just didn’t know where else to turn. I knew from the title that nothing good was going to come out of watching it. On reflection though, it wasn’t like he said anything that I didn’t already know, he’s fully admitted that he is a womaniser many times in other interviews and never hides the fact. It’s just this interview was a lot more detailed, than I guess I was expecting. My lifelong CO used to be the exact same way and I’ve heard him also say similar things in interviews. I guess I forgot how that stuff can hurt hearing it. On the plus side, the interview did help me find out the reason I fell so hard and fast for this CO, he is literally a younger version of my lifelong CO in so many ways. Both my COs have a vulnerability about them, underneath all the confidence, which makes me love them all the more. Even after the interview, I thought I’d be able to go and delete all his photos but nope, the first photo I saw was my favourite, the devil got me again and I ended keeping them and felling back in love with him all over again. Thank you again for your understanding and support xx
  2. ⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF SUICIDE- STRONG LANGUAGE ⚠️ ———————————————————————— This will be a veeeeeery long post, just telling yah 😁 ———————————————————————— Hi everyone and welcome to my blog. I joined the DF yesterday because for the first time in my life I thought about comiting suicide and it made me really afraid to have those kind of thoughts so I decided to reach out. In future entries I will be telling you about myself and sharing bits of my life. I hope I can serve as a crutch for those who are struggling with depressive thoughts just like me. This is what I posted yesterday (you can find it in the forum under the name “I want to end my life”): ” Hi everyone, Today, for the first time in my life I seriously considered suicide. I had never done so before, sometimes I just joked around saying things like “oh shoot me” or “just end me now”, but it’s only now that I realise that it’s been no longer a joke for a while. My sister said today that I only “make her miserable and ruin her life”, my brother said that I’m a “bad sister” and my parents think I’m an embarassment to this family. And honestly? They are right. You might read this and think I’m an exaggerated idiot, but this episode is only what pushed me over the edge. My family loves me, I have great friends, good health and I’m financially stable. So why do I want to **** myself? I don’t want to die because I hate life, I LOVE life, I love what I’m studying and I’m full of projects and dreams to make come true. But the thing is, what’s the point in doing anything of all of this if it brings pain and sadness to my family? I know they love me and I know they would mourn me and be sad for a while, but I’m sure they would heal, move on with their lives and in the end be thankful to me for making their lives easier by disappearing once and for all. I’m really really scared. I never had such dark thoughts before; I even traced out different plans on how to end my life!!! And I can’t talk about this with anyone I know because I would jut make them feel even worse with all my depressing nonsense than I already am by being alive. Sorry for this buzzkill post, but I needed to share this with someone, even if it’s random people on the interntet. “ Pretty sad uh? Depression is a monster that comes out of ****ing nowhere and kocks you right in your ass. But all trough the day I recieved beautiful answers and great advice from strangers who were kind enough to reach out and help me navigate through this difficult times. I don’t know why my update automaticaly puts itself as “hidden” but I wanted to share my update with you guys and hopfuly the kind souls that wrote me back might bump into this and recieve their more than owed answer. This is what I wrote today: ”UPDATE! Hi everyone, It’s been a very very intense, emotionaly draining day and I want nothing more than going to bed but I feel like I owe you an update on my situation since I already threw all of my sadness your way, might as well now give you some good news. Thank you so so so so much for all of your kind words, encouragement and advice. I took this day for myself and called the number of the hotline you gave me but it told me it’s only for people from Australia. Notwithstanding, it inspired me to look for my country’s own suicide hotline(which I didn’t know existed in my country) and had a great talk with one of the professionals that volunteer there that lasted for like two hours. They helped me realize that although my pain is very valid, ending my life would be a cowardly move, the easy way out, and I might be a lot of things but I for sure ain’t a coward. I need to face my problems head on. Ending my life it’s just a way from running from troubble, and it won’t actually solve everything; it would only lesve behind sorrow and unresolved problems for the rest of eternity. After that enlightning chat I just layed in bed for a while listening to music and googling songs that matched my gloomy/reflective mood. During that time I found a Tim McGraw song called “**** myself” (I know that when I post this the name will seem very odd because of the dots that will appear instead of the word), and I thought it perfectly matched my mood. As I listened to the lyrics something clicked. The song didn’t talk about him actually physicaly commiting suicide but of getting rid of his old self, his worst version and to become a more worthwhile human being. And this is what I want to do with my life. I’ll try my damn hardest to be the best version of myself and to bring more light into the world because God knows I can’t do that if I’m dead; I can’t help people if I’m dead, I can’t contribute to society if I’m dead, I can’t be there for my family and friends if I’m dead and I can’t follow my dreams if I’m dead. Another thing I listened to today was a beautiful poem about suicide that it honestly made me cry. I never heard a poem so strong, inspiring and beautiful before. It really helped me and I’m sure it will be useful for anyone going through what I’m going through. One of you guys told me that I should work on finding something to do, something to look foward to and someone to love. I found this advice truly helpful and I’m really trying to do it. I even wrote a list with several items under each category. I wouldn’t have made this progress today without your help and your kind words, you have no idea how much they mean to me. Honestly, the most inspiring and uplifting thing that happened today was not getting your lovely answers to my post but just the mere fact of learning that there are more people out there in the same situation as I am or that where in the same situation who are willing to take some time of their day in order to help strangers facing the same struggles they are facing or used to face. Of course that the progress I made today doesn’t mean that I’m suddenly happy and purposeful, I know that I still have a long way to go until I heal, that I have a lot of pending conversations to have with those closest to me (eventhough they’ll suck) and some many more tears to shed until I can get this ugly demon that is depression out of my heart and head. It will be hard. I know that. But eventhough the road ahead I see right now might not be very smooth and sunny, at least now I can see a road to follow. An ugly path is better than no path at all. I’m sure the sun will shine for me again. After each storm the sun always returns, so why would it be any different for me? It’s only natural for the sun to return once the storm passes. I just have to hold on until it does.” ———————————————————————— Well, this is all for today. I’m absolutely exhausted. I’ll be posting more soon. Stay sane, safe and happy! RSK ❤️
  3. If you’re feeling suicidal, please read this. I originally wrote this for World Suicide Prevention Day. It is aimed towards someone who may be considering taking steps towards ending their own lives. If this is you please read on and I hope that you can find something in these words that makes you see that your life is precious. I may not know you personally but if I could I would reach out and hug you first and foremost. You may feel alone in this world and like there is no point in carrying on but this is simply not true. While I don’t know you, the fact that you are struggling and feeling like this is the only option shows me that you are a person who can feel things so deeply and I believe that whatever you may have done there is at least one person who does care deeply for you. If you can not think of one then let me tell you that I care about you. If I didn’t I wouldn’t be writing this. If you are still reading then thank you for not turning and running . That shows that within you there is strength to confront what you are feeling and also hope that maybe there is something else you can do to avoid this, what to you may feel like is the only, course of action. You are doing so well just reading this and trying to see if there is something you can do and I hope you can hold on to this however tiny it may seem. Thank you for still reading. I’m now going to offer you some things you may like to do before you go any further. You don’t have to do them but I hope there is one thing here that may help you. Here they are: Call, text or email someone, explaining how you feel, if you can. This could be a friend, relative, medical professional or a charity helpline. The Samaritans offer non-judgmental advice 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Take a bath or shower and try to relax for an hour. In this time try to think about yourself and treat yourself with respect. Write one thing that you can do. It may be that you can take some lovely photographs, it may be that you make a brilliant meal or it might be that you always make yourself available to others. There is, I’m sure, one thing that you can do. Do that one thing that you can do. Go for a walk if you feel that you can do so while still remaining safe, If possible make sure that someone knows where you will be going and how long you plan to be. This gives you a chance to roam in mind as well as body but still keep in mind that people are waiting and wanting you. Draw, write or do something creative. Don’t worry about how it turns out. Exercise. Maybe lift weights or run. Sleep. I hope there is something there you can do. I hope upon hope that the first option is the one you choose. I believe that other people are our biggest weapon in fighting the thoughts that are currently pushing you to your limits. You still reading? Great. You’re doing really well to keep going and I’m proud of you. Truly proud of you. I know how hard it is to get this low but you’re still with me and that is a massive positive. I hope the intensity of your suicidal feelings is subsiding slightly or you have managed to find something to hold on for until you can get the support you deserve, and yes you do deserve it no matter what your brain is telling you. You are on this planet and that makes you special. There is probably someone, you may not know who, but someone who loves you and is glad you are alive. I’m glad you are alive as I know you have huge potential if you have made it this far, think about it you’ve read all this written by me; that is an accomplishment. I’m going to leave you now. I hope you make the decision to live. I know it is a big decision to make and may seem scary but I believe that it is the best decision you can make as it holds so much opportunity for the future. Please get help and if you feel that you are at immediate risk of hurting yourself then I ask you to go to Accident and Emergency so that you can be kept safe. You deserve to be safe and happy. Thank you for reading and know that I am thinking of you and hoping you can see the good in you that others can. One last hug. *hugs* -Lindsay
  4. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (US) has 2 websites that offer secure chat with crisis counselors 24/7 as an alternative to telephone support. Counselors are available to help with ANY crisis, not just SI. www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org www.veteranscrisisline.net (For active-duty U.S. Armed Forces personnel, veterans, and their families. Web chat and SMS/text messaging.) Some members have said they have used the chat support as an integral part of their safety plan. If you are having a rough day, and don't feel up to talking by phone due to anxiety. I imagine that I'm not alone in that respect, this information may help others. ~Lindsay
  5. Hello, I've seen several posts on this site from people admitting to having an obsession with a celebrity, not just a crush or a normal infatuation, but a full blown obsession, not being able to function without thinking about that certain celebrity, and spending long periods of time online reading about them, looking at pictures of them, constantly researching them and always checking the news relating to them. These people seemed confused and unable to understand why they feel the way they do. What broke my heart is that since this is a such a rare thing, almost nobody could say anything that would really help, because they just don't understand the way that it feels. I have decided to start this thread, because I am in the same situation. As a 16 year old boy, I have had an unhealthy obsession with a female celebrity since I was about 13, and before that, I had an obsession with a different female celebrity from ages about 8-12. I know how it feels, and i know how debilitating it can be, I understand how ashamed it can make you feel, and how hard it is to even consider telling anyone about it, and I don't want anyone to have to deal with this all by themselves for as long as I have had to. I am starting this thread not asking for help, but as a safe place for anyone suffering in this situation to come and discuss their own situations, and have full support from others that understand how you feel.
  6. Hello. I am of course new to these forums and look forward to future discussions. I am a 31 year old married man and married to the love of my life. We have 3 children combined with a new little boy on the way any day now. This should be a VERY happy time for me however I am very depressed. Also, I noticed that as of late I am becoming a bit of a hypochondriac. I believe I have been quite depressed since December which is when the owner of the company I work for, passed away abruptly. I wouldn't consider myself extremely close to him personally but I had a lot of respect for him. He was an old school Italian that was VERY blunt and just a great man. Always the life of the party and leading the conversation. He was in a deep depression most of last year and he too thought he was dying. I believe in November they discovered the cancer in his chest that spread to multiple organs. They tried to remove but in the end it was too much and he passed as a result. January was a roughER month however I feel like I had a good handle on me. I am a bit of a workaholic and I am sure I, like most times, dove into work more-so than normal. In February I had a panic attack on my way to work and decided to go to urgent care. They gave me Xanax which seems to help a bit. I have only taken them 3-4 times and only when I absolutely need them. Well, needless to say my depression isn't going away and I am TRYING to get a handle on it. I find that I am tired quite a lot and a bit irritable. I have times when I feel fine then other times when I just harp on a seemingly random “health” issue I then of course get a panic/anxiety attack. I did go to the docs yesterday and explained my symptoms ... which he concluded I am depressed and gave me a prescription for Prozac 20MG. I would really like to get through this without medication though. So I am still debating rather or not to try the meds. That’s my story and I really hope I can find help in this forum. I really need to get a good handle on this. I am not suicidal or have any such feelings. I just want to enjoy life again and hope that this forum can help lead me in the right direction! Thanks in advance everyone!
  7. Hi guys, sorry if wrong forum. Been here a while. To cut a long story short I've been depressed since my 11 (Im 29 now). Was diagnosed 3 yrs ago and have been up and down from 5 - 60mg citalopram since. I've worked full time through most of it. I've just allowed myself to be written off for 2 weeks as I work in a University and I can. Had counselling twice. Once for 12 weeks, 1 session at my work place that I knew wasn't right so offered it to someone else. Talking through my problems isn't what I need. I've started the mental health team process before to access cbt, but by the time I get in I'm happy on citalopram and I can't access other therapies because at that point I'm feeling pretty happy. High doses of citalopram don't agree with other parts of my body. And I can't face the 4-6 weeks hell of a med change. I'm not on Bupa and I'm looking at exploring private options so I can get help when I need it. Any advice from other UK NHS'ers around? Your experience? My best friend is an OT in mental health but she's on hol for a month and I ain't putting this on her again. Thanks! Anton
  8. Hi, I'm Jess, I'm 18 and I'm new here but I've already replied to a few people and this is definitely not my first depression forum. My passion in life has always been helping people, and I love helping out on forums, especially while I'm not studying or employed. So I want to share with you my story and how I overcame it. But I'm going to try and do it quickly. So in my life, I've dealt with: Severe bullying Emotional abuse from my dad up until I was 15 Parents divorce Sexual, emotional and physical abuse from a boy 6 years older than me, continuous from my age of 11-16 Sexual abuse from my best friend when I was 15 Sexual abuse from a man I didn't know on the streets when I was 16 Long term unemployment Neglect from my mother financially Which has lead to: Severe depression from ages 11-17 Borderline Personality Disorder Bulimia - from ages 12 to now, however it is so much better, and I am working on it. PTSD and severe anxiety issues from ages 13-17 Borderline psychosis - from ages 14-17 Self harming from ages 11-17 Suicide attempts from ages 11-17 Today, I am 18 and for the most part, happy. Between the ages of 11-16, I tried so many things. I tried 16 different therapists, I tried 9 different medications, I tried CBT, DBT, refused ECT. I tried talking to friends and family, I went into hospitals. When I was 16, I gave up. But after a while I started buying self help books everywhere on the internet. Some were horrible and a few were really good. I've made a page of the ones that got me through and the link is in my signature. One of the main things I learnt in these books, was how to stand up for myself and do what I needed to do. I know you'll hate me for saying this, but depression can be cured by changing the way you think. But thats ****** hard. These books and tapes took me through how to change my thinking. I never thought I could just simply 'change my thinking' before I read these books, but they make it so easy and do-able. It's really hard, but once you've got it, its so easy. It's like the contestants on shows like The Biggest Loser. The first few weeks they tell how hard it is, but then they click, and they talk about how easy it is to eat right and exercise. I really hope I've helped in some way, and I'm here for any of you if you want a friend :) But thanks for listening to my story. :)
  9. Hello, I don't post on here normally but I have nowhere else to turn. I have been in a relationship for nearly 4 years. My boyfriend makes me the happiest person ever and I love him more than anything. But I never listened. I had been more ratty than usual over the past year, snapping at little things. I knew I was depressed, and he told me to ring the doctor. I never did, and things went too far and the other day after one little argument, he snapped and said he never wants to see me again. It is totally my fault for being too scared to phone the doctors. I have lost the love of my life because of it. So today, I finally got the courage to ring the doctor. My appointment is at quarter to 5. It is good that I am helping myself but I have still lost him. He is so so so mad and so so hurt, he just doesn't see any hope for us and says our relationship isn't real as we argued too much. I feel so alone and angry at myself. It was all my fault and now I've pushed him so far away without even realising it, I can't get him back. He went out the night we broke up and got drunk and then apparently sat in the corner of the club all moody, I hate to know I have hurt him this much. He is coming over for 5 minutes on Wednesday so we can exchange stuff, it is breaking my heart. He knows I am going the doctors now, but it is too late for us. I have ruined everything. Now I am going the doctors in a few hours, but I am wondering how it will help. How can life go on when I have let myself lose the person who loved me so so so deeply? I have hurt him so much, I don't even think there is anyway to get him back. What do I do? Please help.
  10. Hi. I've been depressed for two years now. At least I think I have. I'm not constantly sad, angry or any of those things. I just feel empty. I feel like a blank slate. Occasionally I feel happy around my friends or family, but after the moment passes, I feel nauseous, like I've done something disgusting. Other than this, I only feel intense anger. Anger at politicians, anger at teachers, anger at the nature of life, anger at social situations. Just plain anger at the world. Because of this, I don't spend time with friends, I'm doing terrible in school, and have become very focused on a few things. I don't get any enjoyment out of them, they just pass time quickly. The girl who I spent all my time with is after moving to south africa. I'm obsessed with small details, over-analysing everything. I feel like a failure, a burden, and just inadequate overall. Even my friends, who are nice people, make me want to bang my head against a wall. I don't want to die, I only want peace. I just want sleep. All the time. One person knows that I'm even depressed, and she thinks it's getting better. Even as I'm writing, I am convinced I'm seeking attention, and I hate myself for it. Am I depressed? Am I just looking for special attention? Or what? Thanks if you read my little rant. Is there anyone who feels the same way?
  11. Well Basically Hi, My names ben Im 16 Ive had deppression for I dont even know, At least 2 years, as well as very severe social anxiety I dont know how to structure this Topic so I guess i'll start by saying stuff about me: (i'll underline the main important stuff if you dont feel like reading) About a month ago my girlfriend who I was with for over a year just completley changed and broke up with me (in a very very hurtful way) I feel so sad / weak / un motivated and alone all the time most of the time I can hardley be bothered to eat, and its making me very ill I completley hate myself, I think I am SO ugly, I have no self asteem or self confidence. I fear going outside because people will think im ugly or hate me or something and so I constantly hold my head down to avoid people seeing me. Im doing so bad in school because im too un motivated and preocupied by sadness I do have friends, but I never feel like they're my friends, sometimes it seems like loads of people like me and are all my friends, other times it seems no one wants to talk to me or do anything with me, usually its the latter. All my friends dont properly know me, no one does. and it seems like no one wants to properly know me. Everyone at school has different opinions about me, the majority is im "just some ****** who avoids people and always has his head down" thats pretty much the opinion of everyone not in my year, for people in my year many of them think of me as some weirdo, when i started developing these problems in secondary school I didnt know what to do, and I pretty much did act like a weirdo and was very attention seeking because i didnt know how to deal with this stuff or even talk to people properly, over the years up to know I got gradually less weird and attention seeking and more avoiding people. and So everyone I know thinks of me as some different person, That isnt even me at all. Despite my confidence and self asteem issues (which are mainly about my appearnce) I think that people will actually like the real me, But like ive said it seems to me that no one wants to get to know me, and I find it so so so so so hard to talk to people (not that anyone wants to talk to me at all) I am ashamed to say, The only way I can be at all social is with a drink. I know that is incredibly bad but Its so hard for me to talk to people and be around people and anything like that at all. I rarely am invited to hang out with friends but the times I am and there is alcohol involved, I can go and its fine and people like me. Once again I know its so bad! I know I shouldnt drink and I dont anymore. I wish I could be social without alcohol, I wish I was happy, I wish I could be social and had friends who wanted to know me and talk to me. just some extra info: im on sertraline (zoloft) and have counseling, neither of which seem to help, and I have many times attempted suicide Im just SO alone, I need someone to talk to, please I feel so alone. I know that if i could do something about my appearance it would majorly boost my confidence enough for me to be able to go in to the playground at break/lunch (instead of sitting somewhere crying) and talk to people, then maybe they might get to know me and maybe people can like me or whatever. But at the moment everything just seems so hopless. I feel so lonely. I cant take it! no one wants to talk to me!!! no one wants to know me!!! im so sad all the time!!! No one would ever want to be with me!!! all I do is sit at home being sad!! I HATE MY LIFE!!! :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( please can I have some people to talk to please :'( please :'( i need people to talk to :'(
  12. Hi, I just kinda needed to talk. I guess I don't know where to start, it all seems equally overwhelming. I was diagnosed with severe depression seven years ago after an attempt to take my own life. Of course I have been depressed for much longer than that. I am twenty-one now. I was diagnosed with Fibryomyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome about three years ago. At the begging of my search for help I was told I was perfectly healthy, then that it was simply depression, then thyroid, then CFS. The entire time I was told it would get better, that it would go away. I eventually found a therapist and doctor that helped me. I forgave my abusive father for everything he had done to me and learned how to begin living again. I forgave my mother for never stopping the violence. My sister forgave me for blaming her as it was her own severe illness that kept my parents always at the hospital. I moved on, I grew, and for the first time I seemed to be getting better. With therapy, medication, proper diet and a regiment of vitamins I thrived. I fell a couple of times, I grew increasingly tired and couldn't get out of bed. Somtimes I would get to school and fall asleep in the car. I got angry and sad, but i picked my self back up and tried again. The second time it happened it was worse, I and even considered suicide. Still I picked myself back up and pushed forward. I am twenty-one and have failed out of school for the fourth time now, i sleep for up to twenty four hours, eat about one meal a day because I can only stay awake for at most ten hours. During my ten hours of waking if I try to accomplish simple tasks such as doing the dishes I start shaking from exhaustion. When I first stopped going to class I felt that I needed to put all my energy into just keeping myself alive. I have kept myself going for so many years now I know how NOT to give up. Still my voice in my head tells me the same things very day, that I am not wanted, I would be better off dead, that if i just did it all the pain would go away, that I was never meant to be here in the first place. I am so painfully exhausted, I hurt so bad mentally and physically. I feel that things will never "get better" as so many have promised. There is no hope for me, I can't work if I can't stay awake. I honestly don't know what to do. I'll hang on, but then what? Do I just fade into the background?
  13. Hi guys, Been on 75mg venlafaxine for 3 months now along with Promazine which i will only take at night as it sedates me so badly. Have previously tried clitalopram, prozac, seroquel and the list is endless!! But venlafaxine is really helping with my low mood just have one really big problem with it and its making me geel so drained! No energy do my everyday chores housework is being left to my partner and just really struggling with it. Dont know whats best to do have been taking the med at night wonder if i try taking it in the morning would this help me? what do you think is best? At the GPs next week to discuss this but just need some help for now. Any motivation tips as well would go a long way
  14. Hi Guys, I have depression and anxiety and I'm getting fed up with the NHS and slowness of it. I need to sort out my problems and I want to make it happen. After discussing my issues with my best friend who's a mental health OT, I think I would like to see an expert psychiatrist and then probably get some good CBT. Also would like someone to help in crisis. I get phases of depression - the NHS is too slow. Still not sure what the process or options are - but I'm willing to try and pay (and ask parents to help) to get my depression sorted if it's worth it. My GP is looking into private options. Anyone else been in this position? Anyone experienced private care? How much are we talking cost wise? I have no private health insurance. Anything to share on this topic greatly appreciated. Thanks tekgrl
  15. I stumbled on this forum after hours of reading/researching to find out what's going on with me lately. I'm not even sure if this forum is very active, but I felt as if I had to post no matter what just in case there's some hope of getting some help figuring all this out. I'm a new member, so please excuse me if I'm not posting in the right place or make other mistakes. I'm a 29 year old male, and recently I seem to be experiencing several symptoms of many disorders, so it's overwhelming to try to figure this out on my own. Most of my life I've been a very upbeat and happy person. There have been major traumatic events in my life, during which I was very depressed, but for the most part and certainly when there's nothing devastating going on I am a happy person. I'm not sure if I actually was clinically depressed through some of those events or if I was just responding naturally to those life events. In any case, I feel it necessary to let that little bit of background be known to hopefully help identify what's going on now. After being laid off for six months about two years ago, I found a very good job that I've been at since then. The job requires extensive travel away from home, but my first few assignments made it possible for me to be close to home and also have my wife with me while on the road. I was home for about three weeks during this past Christmas, and for the past month and the last two or three months in 2011 things have been much different. My monthly schedule is to be on the road working wherever (we don't get much notice of assignment changes) with two weekends home per month. That includes a travel day on either side of the weekend, which is usually spent flying and recovering from the travel and adjustment to being back home or back at work. I used to love the travel part of the job, but after returning to work from Christmas, things have been really tough. As soon as I walked into the hotel room the first night I was overwhelmed with a sudden depressed feeling. Things have gone down steadily from there. While I was at home during the last week of December, I was prescribed Adipex (phentermine) to help with weight loss. While I was at home this past weekend my doctor took me off this medication, because he says he needs to do a month on and month off rotation because of the potential for serious side effects. He took me off this past Friday, so that morning was my last dose, and that night and Saturday night were terrible. I was very depressed, anxious, terrified, etc. On Sunday afternoon, my mood changed and I felt like things were getting better. After thinking about how I'd been feeling this past month and reading about the side effects of this medication and talking with my wife and how I felt, we chalked it up to it was all caused by the medication. That was until tonight anyway. I got back on the road yesterday and things were fine last night except I couldn't sleep well at all. Today, I felt just like I did the weeks before, even though all of the medication had passed from my system completely. I'll try to be specific here so you can get a feel for what I'm thinking and feeling in hopes you can help me understand what's going on. I lack motivation to do anything. I used to jump up in the mornings and look forward to doing my job with energy despite lack of sleep. Now it takes giving myself a pep talk to get up and go outside to go to a meeting. I feel very, very depressed. I have lost interest in things that I would normally enjoy and don't get satisfaction out of doing them anymore. I am close to tears almost all day long, which is definitely not normal for me. That's not a macho guy thing either, I'm comfortable with crying if there's a good reason, but this is when I'm just sitting in the hotel or driving or laying in bed watching tv or something. I'm very scared/anxious/nervous/panicked all the time. I've had several panic attacks in the last month, and they seem to be getting worse. I feel trapped. I feel hopeless, like this will never get better. I feel guilty. My job is a great one, and it's one I enjoy. I earn a very good living and can provide for my wife and I like I never thought possible before. However, now I'm stuck. The economy sucks, I was laid off for a long time before finding this job in the middle of the recession, and there's nothing else that could come close to what I have now... so trying to find something else in my mind isn't even realistic. I'm going to be saving a bit this year to start putting my wife through nursing school starting next year, but I'm especially trapped with her not working. I feel like the walls are slowly closing in all around me and I can't breathe. I've worded things and arranged this information in a way that may affect the objectiveness of another person reading it. I've tried very hard to not assume or even think I know what's going on or what could be causing all this, but I know I'm biased. The truth is, I have no freaking clue what the hell is going on, and I'm even less qualified to be the judge of its cause. Was it the medication? Not sure, but the symptoms were present slightly before starting it and are still present now. Is it being away from home? I have no idea, but it seems to be contributing to the symptoms. Is it the weather change? No clue. Is it a true biological cause (serotonin, dopamine, etc. deficiency)? Who knows... During the big life events I talked about before, I had doctors diagnose me with everything underneath the sun and subject me to dozens of medications to the point I felt like a lab rat. Because of that, I'm not too keen on the idea of visiting a doc just to have him treat me with his script pad, but at this point something HAS TO GIVE!!! I'm completely, I don't know what I was going to say. To say I'm sad is an understatement, but I'm sure most people around here are familiar with these feelings I'm trying to describe. I can't focus, on anything, can't remember much, have many symptoms of ADHD, major depressive disorder, general anxiety disorder, some of bipolar (not so much), hypothyroidism, and the list goes on and on. I would never try to diagnose myself, but those are just the symptoms I have. It's terribly frustrating to not know what's going on and to have it just get worse and worse. During the past weekend while I was at home, my wife and I decided it would be a good idea for me to make an appointment with a psychiatrist on my next weekend home. However, after my mood improved greatly on Sunday, we dismissed everything as being caused by the medication I was on for weight control and thought everything was over. I haven't yet told her that things are back to terrible, because I don't want her to worry like she did before. So now, things are back to the way they were, except now I'm also without a person to talk to about it because I don't want her to worry. This is quickly becoming way more than I can handle alone, and I'm not sure I have any other option besides seeking professional help... I'm just worried to death about the possible consequences of doing that. I really can't afford to have a doctor admit me in-patient for observation or anything like that. I know my job would "understand" my needing to take a week or so off, but I can't go through that, and maybe they wouldn't understand. I can't afford to lose my job, and I can't afford to look for another one closer to home or without travel, and I really can't afford to keep feeling this way because I just feel like I'm going to double over in a heart attack any second from the anxiety, but I know it's just a panic attack. I just feel like I can't do this s*** anymore... and as my ability to hold back the tears until this point has been lost, I need to end my rambling. Please, if you think you may have any clue whatsoever as to what the hell is going on or what I should do, please share. I know there are likely no professionals here, but that's not what I want right now. I just need someone who can be objective and is removed from the situation to tell me their opinion. Thanks in advance.
  16. Here is a little poem i wrote. i know its horrible, oh well: Slouched over, remembering All the things I once loved. I used to be happy! Now, it’s like being hugged; So tight, you cant breathe. Wishing everyday, that this thing would just leave. “I’m staying” it says. “Cause controlling this body, Is what I do best.” My true feelings, masked. Only pretending to have fun. It’s all just an act, Meet my director, Depression.
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