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Let us know how you're feeling today....
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New thread. ~Lindsay
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â ď¸ TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF SUICIDE- STRONG LANGUAGE â ď¸ ââââââââââââââââââââââââ This will be a veeeeeery long post, just telling yah đ ââââââââââââââââââââââââ Hi everyone and welcome to my blog. I joined the DF yesterday because for the first time in my life I thought about comiting suicide and it made me really afraid to have those kind of thoughts so I decided to reach out. In future entries I will be telling you about myself and sharing bits of my life. I hope I can serve as a crutch for those who are struggling with depressive thoughts just like me. This is what I posted yesterday (you can find it in the forum under the name âI want to end my lifeâ): â Hi everyone,ďťż Today, for the first time in my life I seriously considered suicide. I had never done so before, sometimes I just joked around saying things like âoh shoot meâ or âjust end me nowâ, but itâs only now that I realise that itâs been no longer a joke for a while. My sister said today that I only âmake her miserable and ruin her lifeâ, my brother said that Iâm a âbad sisterâ and my parents think Iâm an embarassment to this family. And honestly? They are right. You might read this and think Iâm an exaggerated idiot, but this episode is only what pushed me over the edge. My family loves me, I have great friends, good health and Iâm financially stable. So why do I want to **** myself? I donât want to die because I hate life, I LOVE life, I love what Iâm studying and Iâm full of projects and dreams to make come true. But the thing is, whatâs the point in doing anything of all of this if it brings pain and sadness to my family? I know they love me and I know they would mourn me and be sad for a while, but Iâm sure they would heal, move on with their lives and in the end be thankful to me for making their lives easier by disappearing once and for all. Iâm really really scared. I never had such dark thoughts before; I even traced out different plans on how to end my life!!! And I canât talk about this with anyone I know because I would jut make them feel even worse with all my depressing nonsense than I already am by being alive. Sorry for this buzzkill post, but I needed to share this with someone, even if itâs random people on the interntet. â Pretty sad uh? Depression is a monster that comes out of ****ing nowhere and kocks you right in your ass. But all trough the day I recieved beautiful answers and great advice from strangers who were kind enough to reach out and help me navigate through this difficult times. I donât know why my update automaticaly puts itself as âhiddenâ but I wanted to share my update with you guys and hopfuly the kind souls that wrote me back might bump into this and recieve their more than owed answer. This is what I wrote today: âUPDATE! Hi everyone, Itâs been a very very intense, emotionaly draining day and I want nothing more than going to bed but I feel like I owe you an update on my situation since I already threw all of my sadness your way, might as well now give you some good news. Thank you so so so so much for all of your kind words, encouragement and advice. I took this day for myself and called the number of the hotline you gave me but it told me itâs only for people from Australia. Notwithstanding, it inspired me to look for my countryâs own suicide hotline(which I didnât know existed in my country) and had a great talk with one of the professionals that volunteer there that lasted for like two hours. They helped me realize that although my pain is very valid, ending my life would be a cowardly move, the easy way out, and I might be a lot of things but I for sure ainât a coward. I need to face my problems head on. Ending my life itâs just a way from running from troubble, and it wonât actually solve everything; it would only lesve behind sorrow and unresolved problems for the rest of eternity. After that enlightning chat I just layed in bed for a while listening to music and googling songs that matched my gloomy/reflective mood. During that time I found a Tim McGraw song called â**** myselfâ (I know that when I post this the name will seem very odd because of the dots that will appear instead of the word), and I thought it perfectly matched my mood. As I listened to the lyrics something clicked. The song didnât talk about him actually physicaly commiting suicide but of getting rid of his old self, his worst version and to become a more worthwhile human being. And this is what I want to do with my life. Iâll try my damn hardest to be the best version of myself and to bring more light into the world because God knows I canât do that if Iâm dead; I canât help people if Iâm dead, I canât contribute to society if Iâm dead, I canât be there for my family and friends if Iâm dead and I canât follow my dreams if Iâm dead. Another thing I listened to today was a beautiful poem about suicide that it honestly made me cry. I never heard a poem so strong, inspiring and beautiful before. It really helped me and Iâm sure it will be useful for anyone going through what Iâm going through. One of you guys told me that I should work on finding something to do, something to look foward to and someone to love. I found this advice truly helpful and Iâm really trying to do it. I even wrote a list with several items under each category. I wouldnât have made this progress today without your help and your kind words, you have no idea how much they mean to me. Honestly, the most inspiring and uplifting thing that happened today was not getting your lovely answers to my post but just the mere fact of learning that there are more people out there in the same situation as I am or that where in the same situation who are willing to take some time of their day in order to help strangers facing the same struggles they are facing or used to face. Of course that the progress I made today doesnât mean that Iâm suddenly happy and purposeful, I know that I still have a long way to go until I heal, that I have a lot of pending conversations to have with those closest to me (eventhough theyâll suck) and some many more tears to shed until I can get this ugly demon that is depression out of my heart and head. It will be hard. I know that. But eventhough the road ahead I see right now might not be very smooth and sunny, at least now I can see a road to follow. An ugly path is better than no path at all. Iâm sure the sun will shine for me again. After each storm the sun always returns, so why would it be any different for me? Itâs only natural for the sun to return once the storm passes. I just have to hold on until it does.â ââââââââââââââââââââââââ Well, this is all for today. Iâm absolutely exhausted. Iâll be posting more soon. Stay sane, safe and happy! RSK â¤ď¸
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Hi Members! It's time for a new "How Do You Feel Right Now?" Topic. Some posts from the last thread are below.... Let's hear it! ~Lindsay
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It is the manic phase of bipolar disorder that attractsâno, demandsâattention. But those who have the illness, or love someone who does, know it is depression that most disrupts and devastates livesâand dominates the course of the illness.By Donna Jackel âFew people understand [that] depression sucks the life out of you,â says C.A., 52, of Oregon. âDesires, self-esteem, motivation, self-worthâany of those qualities that keep you going in lifeâdisappear.â Since her 2002 bipolar diagnosis, she has gone only 18 consecutive months without depression. When P.S. of Halifax, Nova Scotia, is sad, she sometimes avoids bike riding with her seven-year-old daughter. The guilt she feels at withdrawing from her child only intensifies her depression. âYou look at the functional outcomes, such as the ability to work, family life, being an active participant in societyâthis is largely driven by depressive, rather than manic, symptoms,â notes Roger S. McIntyre, MD, associate professor of psychiatry and pharmacology at the University of Toronto, and head of the Mood Disorders Psychopharmacology Unit at the University Health Network in Toronto. One reason depression is more debilitating than mania is that it lasts longer; another is that it occurs more frequently: According to a 2002 study by Lewis L. Judd and colleagues at the University of California at San Diego published in the Archives of General Psychiatry, people with bipolar I experience depression three times as often as mania. For bipolar II, the ratio of time spent in depression versus mania is a whopping 40:1. Bipolar depression is also difficult to diagnose, and therefore to treat. Some studies suggest that as many as 50 percent of those with bipolar disorder are misdiagnosed with unipolar depression, according to Michael E. Thase, MD, professor of psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine and author of several books on bipolar, depression and related topics. Itâs not surprising that misdiagnoses frequently occur. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition (DSM-IV), doesnât distinguish between bipolar and unipolar depression. Rather, a bipolar diagnosis is made based upon whether the person has experienced mania or hypomania. People with bipolar I experience depression three times as often as mania. âBipolar depression looks very similar to major depression, with no distinct features,â says McIntyre. âThat being said, people with bipolar depression more often complain of symptoms that are atypical for unipolar depression, including increased eating, sleeping, and profound reduction in energy. Moreover, people with bipolar depression also frequently complain of seasonal worsening and âtherapeutic misadventuresâ with antidepressantsâthat is, the depression gets worse with antidepressant therapy.â Because bipolar and unipolar depression can âlookâ so similar, psychiatrists must take care to get detailed family historiesâand to ask patients if they have ever experienced symptoms of mania or hypomania, says Eric D. Caine, MD, chairman of psychiatry at the University of Rochester Medical Center and an international expert on suicide prevention. Otherwise, âthe tendency is to treat it as if itâs unipolar depression, with antidepressants alone, which may serve as rocket fuel for a manic episode,â he adds. HOW IT FEELSHow does one experience bipolar depression? That depends upon whom you ask. Many people undergo distinct periods of stability, mania, and depression. Yet other individuals can feel both depressed and manic at the same timeâsimultaneously feeling very sad and energized. Holly A. Swartz, MD, associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine, says it is relatively rare for people to meet the DSM-IV criteria for a mixed state, which requires a major depressive episode and a manic episode nearly every day for at least one week. âHowever, individuals meeting diagnostic criteria for either a depressive episode or a manic episode often have a few subsyndromal symptoms of the opposite pole of the disorder that co-occur with their predominant mood episode,â Swartz says. âFor example, someone will meet full criteria for a depressive episode but will also have racing thoughts.â Rapid-cyclingâas defined by the DSM-IV diagnostic criteriaâis having at least four distinct episodes of major depression, mania or hypomania, or mixed symptoms within a 12-month period. But it is possible to experience more than one rapid-cycling episode a week, or âeven within one day,â according to the National Institute of Mental Health. Just because you are feeling down when you wake up and hypomanic later in the day, however, doesnât mean you are rapid-cycling, emphasizes Joseph R. Calabrese, MD, director of the Mood Disorders Program at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland. He says consumers often confuse mood lability [instability] with rapid-cycling. Only about 15 to 20 percent of people with bipolar experience rapid-cycling, he adds. Jennell A., 53, of The Villages, Florida, says her moods shift quicklyâsometimes from one hour to the next. âYesterday morning, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. and by 8:00, I knew I was in a hyper-manic cycle,â she says. I was running around nonstop, never stopped talking, and felt like I was running a marathon all day.â But the next morning, Jennell, who awoke early for a golf date, felt like she was âin a fog.â âI knew I could either get up and get going, or spiral into the depressed side of me. I went golfing!â TRIGGERSAs with mania, knowing what stressors leave you vulnerable to depression can help prevent recurrences. Lack of sleep, work-related stress, and traumatic events can all be triggers. For T.L.âs husband, holidays are particularly difficultâthey stir unhappy childhood memories. Vacations are also potential land mines. âAfter a couple days, he becomes extremely irritable and annoying,â says T.L., who lives in Wayne, New Jersey. âHe canât relax, which is no vacation for either of us! It seems to have to do with breaking out of his work routine and structure. Even on weekends, he tends to be more symptomatic.â Then there are the stress factors beyond oneâs controlâsuch as ill health or the death of a loved one. âThe economy has greatly affected our finances and our work situations,â says Therese J. Borchard, a mother of two, popular blogger (Beyond Blue on beliefnet.com), and author of several books, including the memoir, Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes (Hachette Book Group, 2009). âIt has taken about nine months to navigate through that stress, but now that we have found a way to produce enough income, I think I will be less prone to fall into depression.â KEEPING THINGS STEADYThe severity of the illness, oneâs support system, the luckâor failureâof finding effective medication, a competent doctor, and a supportive partnerâall affect how successfully bipolar depression can be stabilized. Muriel H. of Easley, South Carolina, managed to teach for 32 years, in part because of her husbandâs steady encouragement, but some days it took all her inner resources to make it through the day. âHad it not been for my work ethic, I would have been home in bed,â Muriel says. âOn many weekends, I would hole up in my apartment, not coming out again until Monday morning.â Severe bipolar depression not only robs one of the ability to enjoy life, but also may even interfere with basic acts of self-care. C.A. lives directly across the street from a grocery store, but recalls one morning when even that short distance was too far to walk. She showered, applied some makeup, but found she couldnât leave the house. âI stood at my bedroom window, looking across the way at the store and crying. I felt helpless and stupid.â It is when we are in absolute despair that we most need the comfort of loved ones. The irony is this is also the time when we feel the most unlovable, are least able to return love, and tend to strain the devotion and patience of even the most steadfast caregiver. T.L. knows her husbandâs depressed when he grows quiet, turns from sweet to âsnappy,â has trouble sleeping, becomes overly critical, and begins obsessing over trivial things, like irritating TV commercials. As soon as she observes such symptoms, T.L. asks her husband how heâs feeling and whether anything is stressing him out. âOne time, I was on the computer and he came down to the office to say good night. I was in the middle of writing an email. He gave a big sigh, stomped up the stairs, and slammed the bedroom door. I went up and calmly asked what his problem was, and he snapped something about not kissing him goodnight ⌠as if I could read his mind. I quickly realized this was an [irrational] conversation, told him so and to get some sleep, and we could have a rational conversation the next day, which we did.â THE DARKNESS OF DESPAIRWhen the darkness doesnât lift, despite the help of family and modern medicine, many people lose all hope. According to the National Mental Health Association, 30 to 70 percent of suicide victims suffered from major depression or bipolar disorder. And a 2000 study conducted by researchers at Johns Hopkins University found that approximately 25 to 50 percent of patients with bipolar attempt suicide at least once. The light in the seemingly endless darkness of depression is that people do recover and rebuild their lives. A mixed state can place a patient at particularly high risk of suicide, says Caine of the University of Rochester. âIn a mixed state, someone has the thinking and motor features that are much more like someone on the manic end of things,â he says. âBut you can also be very suicidal then. Itâs a time of impulsivity and very rapid actions. It may appear like the suicidality is sudden, but the person may have been thinking about it for a long time, and now they have the fuel to do it.â The trick for doctors and caregivers is not to be fooled by body languageâsomeone in a mixed state can be smiling and standing straighter, yet still be capable of suicide. SELF-HELPHaving a plan in place can help prevent minor symptoms from turning into a full-blown episode, says psychologist Elizabeth Saenger, PhD, an assistant professor at Columbia Universityâs department of psychiatry. She suggests: âWork with a mental health professional to put together a plan: âHow will I recognize when I am beginning to get depressed? How will my family?ââ Saenger also recommends enlisting a trusted friend or family member who isnât afraid to tell you, âI think you should go to the doctor.â And then do it. Jennell has a rich support systemâa caring husband who will play cards with her for hours to distract her from her depression, a therapist she sees every other week, and a psychiatrist she visits monthly. She also has her faith. âGod plays an important part in my life in everything I do,â Jennell says. âHaving that as my main support gets me by.â P.S. of Halifax says her psychiatrist is the âone constantâ in her life. âI really rely on her. I respect her opinion. If she tells me to back offâthat Iâve taken on too many projectsâI might argue some, but eventually I realize sheâs right.â The light in what canâat timesâseem like the endless darkness of depression, is that people do recover, find medications that work, and rebuild their lives. Two years ago, Borchard would have said that her depression âgot in the way of everything.â Not anymore. âToday I can honestly say that my illness has made me a better spouse, mother, and worker because Iâve had to learn how to use an incredible amount of discipline with just about everything: from sleeping to eating to exercising and communication, to workload and relationships,â Borchard says. âI take every step of life with much more deliberation and care. If I get lazy, it could literally cost me my life because my illness needs healthy relationships and healthy life habits.â Sidebar: Depression Symptoms MAJOR DEPRESSIVE DISORDERFeelings of hopelessness, pessimismFeelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessnessDifficulty concentratingLoss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyedDifficulty sleepingOvereating or loss of appetitePersistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatmentThoughts of suicide, suicide attemptsBIPOLAR DISORDERFeelings of hopelessness, pessimismFeelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessnessDifficulty concentratingLoss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyedMay experience sleep disturbances, or oversleepingOvereating or loss of appetitePersistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatmentMore suicide attempts than with major depressive disorderA profound loss of energySevere depression more likely to include psychotic symptomsOnset of depression occurs at a younger ageMore likely to have a co-occurring mental illness, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic disorder, or substance abuseMore likely to have a family history of maniaMore episodes of depression than with unipolar depressionUse of antidepressantâwithout mood-stabilizerâmay cause hypomania or mania About the author: Donna JackelSource:Donna Jackel is a health writer based in Upstate New York whose work has been featured in Gannett Newspapers and The Bark, Rochester and Her magazines. http://www.bphope.com/
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My depression had returned a couple of weeks ago. My doctor upped my dose of Effexor XR to 300mg from 225mg and I'm waiting for it to kick in. The thing I hate about feeling this way is the total lack of motivation, the procrastination and lethargy. Things I used to do when I was well and never gave a second thought to, are now very difficult and it takes a great deal to force myself to even go to the store. A bit of rant I know, but as I said I really hate the feeling.
