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Found 3 results

  1. Hi guys, I'm (obviously) new here, but I've been looking for somewhere I can pour out my anxieties without feeling too judged, or judged at all if I can avoid it. I'm female, 29 living in the UK and have suffered depression since a young age. I think I was first aware I was suffering low moods when I was fifteen, but never thought too much about them. As I look back now, I have always had major avoidance issues with people, out of fear of being judged and reprimanded and I just don't work well with strangers. Over the years I've been to university twice and gained two seperate high qualifications, but each has been a dark struggle with wanting to lie in bed, cry and sleep all day. Over the next few years I've yo-yo'd with what I call 'highest highs and lowest lows'. I don't think I'm bi-polar, but let me explain a bit more. On a 'high' day, I consider myself active, functional, chirpy and happy. I don't often have days like these so I find it increasingly neccessary to fake it to those who love me and know me well. I know it's never a good thing, I recently found out. On a low day, I stay in bed, stare at the paint and I find my mind blank and numb. I interact with people but I feel so dead inside, nothing they say has absolutely any impact on me whatsoever. I had a big episode last year, in the middle of march. This was set off by me catching pnuemonia. I worked in customer service at an open window (I think we can all guess where this was...) and the extreme cold in the UK coupled with me constantly going in and out of hot to cold, made my chest and illness worse despite me telling management I was too wheezy to work at the window day after day. The outcome was predictable, I began coughing up blood and spent a considerable time at home, feeling like crud and wishing against hope I could drag myself out of the despair. This year, after limping onward with a mood I could feel getting lower and lower, I began to suffer stomach pains. My boss then fired me without cause and it felt like something in me finally snapped. I don't remember too much, which is probably for the best. I know I made out my will and settled my funeral arrangements. Despite being caught writing the note and frantic calls from my mother to the doctors, I attempted to take my own life. I was seen by an emergency assessor who diagnosed me with 'major depressive disorder' with 'extreme social anxiety'. It's taken them a long time to arrange counselling, almost two months, and in that time I've tried three further times. Each time I've been stopped by someone else. I feel at the end of a long dark road. I haven't showered or brushed my teeth since mid january. I dont think I've even washed my clothes or changed my bedding. I either sleep all day or come down to my desk like a ghost and fill my head with video games and documentaries about people who suffer. I seem to find it soothing watching those. My mother has attempted to lighten my day with aromatherapy and I know it's hard on her, hearing me cry and knowing I get 'out of my mind' sometimes. When I have days of insomnia, I stay awake doing nothing at all. My anxiety is probably even worse; I've never been good with strangers and lately this has become almost crushing. I don't leave the house, I haven't in almost three weeks. I know I have to soon because there is my counselling coming up. The last time I left the house, I tried to brave the outside and hit Asda. The bus journey was deafening in silence, and I was sure everyone was looking at me. I can't help but imagine their eyes boring into my skin and the things they;re thinking about me, the words they're whispering about me. In Asda, with so many people in a tighter space, I could feel the panic starting to rise and I avoided looking at faces, trying not to notice their eyes or their lips and pressing myself against shelves to avoid touch. I was bumped into and I had a full blown panic attack. It felt like my windpipe was closing and no air could get in. My hands were shaking and the blood was pounding in my ears, and I went to my knees and then I blacked out. I haven't been out since. One of my qualifications is as an illustrator, digital. I can't even bring myself to put a pencil onto paper. Art was my greatest passion, now I can't even face it. On a lighter note; I hope one day that I can manage this properly. My aim is to be able to go into a cinema filled with people and sit there alone with them and watch a film. It's nothing grand or fancy, but if I can manage that step one day (hopefully soon) - then I can finally see some light on my road. (ps sorry if this depressed anyone, I'm having such a hard time right now and I'm struggling like mad to cope, thanks xx)
  2. I've been battling depression all my life. Lately, things have been getting better. I am no longer looking to self medicate with alcohol. I lost my career position over a year ago. I am working as a cashier for a BIG retail grocery/department/tires/everything store. My wife and I are losing our home to foreclosure, have filed for bankruptcy, and are struggling to make ends meet on $1700 a month. What my problem is deals with feeling anger. I am afraid to allow myself to feel this emotion. I am scared of what I have become in the past because of my anger. In college, I broke my hand punching a concrete wall. In the past, I've had people tell me they don't want to be around me alone because they were afraid of me getting angry. So, as a result, I've stuffed the anger. I simply do not allow myself to get angry. There are things that get me angry, but I don't deal with those things. A perfect example happened this week. My wife decided she was hungry and went to our 24 hour McDonalds at 1:00am. She was drowsy and hit the side of the porch with the front end of the car, tearing off the fender flare. She felt horrible, so instead of expressing my anger and making her feel worse; I simply stuffed those feelings. It's like a pressure cooker, my anger is just under the surface, waiting for a trigger to explode. It scares me. My depression is not too bad. I've been dealing with a lot of issues and for the most part am content. I don't see my therapist until a couple weeks from now. Anyone have ideas on learning how to deal with my anger? Jeff
  3. I stumbled on this forum after hours of reading/researching to find out what's going on with me lately. I'm not even sure if this forum is very active, but I felt as if I had to post no matter what just in case there's some hope of getting some help figuring all this out. I'm a new member, so please excuse me if I'm not posting in the right place or make other mistakes. I'm a 29 year old male, and recently I seem to be experiencing several symptoms of many disorders, so it's overwhelming to try to figure this out on my own. Most of my life I've been a very upbeat and happy person. There have been major traumatic events in my life, during which I was very depressed, but for the most part and certainly when there's nothing devastating going on I am a happy person. I'm not sure if I actually was clinically depressed through some of those events or if I was just responding naturally to those life events. In any case, I feel it necessary to let that little bit of background be known to hopefully help identify what's going on now. After being laid off for six months about two years ago, I found a very good job that I've been at since then. The job requires extensive travel away from home, but my first few assignments made it possible for me to be close to home and also have my wife with me while on the road. I was home for about three weeks during this past Christmas, and for the past month and the last two or three months in 2011 things have been much different. My monthly schedule is to be on the road working wherever (we don't get much notice of assignment changes) with two weekends home per month. That includes a travel day on either side of the weekend, which is usually spent flying and recovering from the travel and adjustment to being back home or back at work. I used to love the travel part of the job, but after returning to work from Christmas, things have been really tough. As soon as I walked into the hotel room the first night I was overwhelmed with a sudden depressed feeling. Things have gone down steadily from there. While I was at home during the last week of December, I was prescribed Adipex (phentermine) to help with weight loss. While I was at home this past weekend my doctor took me off this medication, because he says he needs to do a month on and month off rotation because of the potential for serious side effects. He took me off this past Friday, so that morning was my last dose, and that night and Saturday night were terrible. I was very depressed, anxious, terrified, etc. On Sunday afternoon, my mood changed and I felt like things were getting better. After thinking about how I'd been feeling this past month and reading about the side effects of this medication and talking with my wife and how I felt, we chalked it up to it was all caused by the medication. That was until tonight anyway. I got back on the road yesterday and things were fine last night except I couldn't sleep well at all. Today, I felt just like I did the weeks before, even though all of the medication had passed from my system completely. I'll try to be specific here so you can get a feel for what I'm thinking and feeling in hopes you can help me understand what's going on. I lack motivation to do anything. I used to jump up in the mornings and look forward to doing my job with energy despite lack of sleep. Now it takes giving myself a pep talk to get up and go outside to go to a meeting. I feel very, very depressed. I have lost interest in things that I would normally enjoy and don't get satisfaction out of doing them anymore. I am close to tears almost all day long, which is definitely not normal for me. That's not a macho guy thing either, I'm comfortable with crying if there's a good reason, but this is when I'm just sitting in the hotel or driving or laying in bed watching tv or something. I'm very scared/anxious/nervous/panicked all the time. I've had several panic attacks in the last month, and they seem to be getting worse. I feel trapped. I feel hopeless, like this will never get better. I feel guilty. My job is a great one, and it's one I enjoy. I earn a very good living and can provide for my wife and I like I never thought possible before. However, now I'm stuck. The economy sucks, I was laid off for a long time before finding this job in the middle of the recession, and there's nothing else that could come close to what I have now... so trying to find something else in my mind isn't even realistic. I'm going to be saving a bit this year to start putting my wife through nursing school starting next year, but I'm especially trapped with her not working. I feel like the walls are slowly closing in all around me and I can't breathe. I've worded things and arranged this information in a way that may affect the objectiveness of another person reading it. I've tried very hard to not assume or even think I know what's going on or what could be causing all this, but I know I'm biased. The truth is, I have no freaking clue what the hell is going on, and I'm even less qualified to be the judge of its cause. Was it the medication? Not sure, but the symptoms were present slightly before starting it and are still present now. Is it being away from home? I have no idea, but it seems to be contributing to the symptoms. Is it the weather change? No clue. Is it a true biological cause (serotonin, dopamine, etc. deficiency)? Who knows... During the big life events I talked about before, I had doctors diagnose me with everything underneath the sun and subject me to dozens of medications to the point I felt like a lab rat. Because of that, I'm not too keen on the idea of visiting a doc just to have him treat me with his script pad, but at this point something HAS TO GIVE!!! I'm completely, I don't know what I was going to say. To say I'm sad is an understatement, but I'm sure most people around here are familiar with these feelings I'm trying to describe. I can't focus, on anything, can't remember much, have many symptoms of ADHD, major depressive disorder, general anxiety disorder, some of bipolar (not so much), hypothyroidism, and the list goes on and on. I would never try to diagnose myself, but those are just the symptoms I have. It's terribly frustrating to not know what's going on and to have it just get worse and worse. During the past weekend while I was at home, my wife and I decided it would be a good idea for me to make an appointment with a psychiatrist on my next weekend home. However, after my mood improved greatly on Sunday, we dismissed everything as being caused by the medication I was on for weight control and thought everything was over. I haven't yet told her that things are back to terrible, because I don't want her to worry like she did before. So now, things are back to the way they were, except now I'm also without a person to talk to about it because I don't want her to worry. This is quickly becoming way more than I can handle alone, and I'm not sure I have any other option besides seeking professional help... I'm just worried to death about the possible consequences of doing that. I really can't afford to have a doctor admit me in-patient for observation or anything like that. I know my job would "understand" my needing to take a week or so off, but I can't go through that, and maybe they wouldn't understand. I can't afford to lose my job, and I can't afford to look for another one closer to home or without travel, and I really can't afford to keep feeling this way because I just feel like I'm going to double over in a heart attack any second from the anxiety, but I know it's just a panic attack. I just feel like I can't do this s*** anymore... and as my ability to hold back the tears until this point has been lost, I need to end my rambling. Please, if you think you may have any clue whatsoever as to what the hell is going on or what I should do, please share. I know there are likely no professionals here, but that's not what I want right now. I just need someone who can be objective and is removed from the situation to tell me their opinion. Thanks in advance.
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