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  • **DEPRESSION - SUICIDE/CRISIS INTERVENTION**
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  1. On January 25th at 3 am my world shattered I lost my best friend, confidant, and support, when my bunny Wicket passed in my arms. Since that day my depression has been getting progressively worse. Until recently could not have imagined taking my own life, but as the days go on I can see why it has appeal. I have been on medication for depression since 2001 and for the most part have been okay. Even though I have had the dosages increased over the years. Wicket has been my whole life for the past 2.5 years as he had progressive paralysis in the lower body and even before that he was my source of joy. Without Wicket I no longer have any reason to get-up in the morning or go to work, I find myself questioning what is the point of anything. When Wicket was alive I would have said I have two reasons for living: Wicket and my mother (who is in her 70s). Wicket is now gone and my mother does not understand my grieving or sinking into depression. She feels I should accept that he is gone and be happy that he is no longer suffering, so there is no reason to grieve. She does not understand that he was my source of physical and emotional comfort that I was able to tell him anything and all I ever got back was love and affection. Without Wicket I no longer have any social life as my social life was taking him to his various appointments. And the people that I did socialize with a bit were related to his care, including one of his vets. She had told me when he passed that we would still get together and visit bet you can guess that never happened. I wish she had never said anything and gotten my hopes up. Nor do I have anything to spend my time on, his care and then just cuddling took-up my days. He required medication twice a day, needed to be taken to the bathroom, I assisted him with grooming, played with him, talked to him and most of all we loved each other. I started seeing a councilor after he passed because I needed someone to talk to and I was trying to make sense of it all. My last appointment with her is on March 29th and then I would have to find someone else as I accessed her through a work program. Other than her being someone to listen to me and a safe place to cry once week I am not sure she did anything for me. She was understanding but could not really understand how much of an effect Wicket’s passing had on me and why it hurt me so much. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow and I am not really sure what to expect and I am worried that she will not understand like so many others why I am hurting so much. At this point I just want to get back to the kind of numbness that I generally felt before his passing. I had been talking with Wicket and trying to work of the courage to go see my GP to see if there could be any changes made that I might actually feel happy instead of nothing. Wicket’s death changed that completely. I had been coping somewhat with Wicket’s loss by doing physical work around the house, which seemed to be helping a bit. That all changed a week ago Monday as I slipped on some ice and dislocated my shoulder and I am no longer able to do anything physical. I have also been attending a support group for pet loss but even there I do not feel like they really get how much his passing affected me and how the depression plays a role (not that I am really keen to talk about that as well). I have gotten to the point where most days I can put on a game face, but inside all I want to do is cry. I tried reaching out to my brother looking for someone to talk to and an old friend as I really don’t have any friends. In a fight with my mother about my state I found out that the old friend went to my brother about our conversation, and that my brother then went to my mom, so I have no support for my grieving or depression. A few people have said well just get another pet, they do not understand that is was not just the animal but who he was and the connection we shared. To me it feels like they are saying after my child died oh well just get a new one. Even if I did want to find another there is no way I could care for one right now and I have no desire to have a fight with my mother (with whom I own a house with) about getting one. Also I have had other pets in my life and I never connected to them like I did with Wicket, his death has hit me harder than even the death of my father. Since his passing I have had no real physical affection nor have I felt truly safe, I have not been sleeping well (we slept together), and I spend hours on Facebook hoping someone will talk to me and ease my loneliness. Thank you for reading this all through, I was hoping that maybe if I wrote it all out I would feel better or at least gain some understanding, and I hope it was not too difficult to understand. I have a million things I want to write and my mind has not been tracking quite right since his passing.
  2. TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF SUICIDE- STRONG LANGUAGE ———————————————————————— This will be a veeeeeery long post, just telling yah ———————————————————————— Hi everyone and welcome to my blog. I joined the DF yesterday because for the first time in my life I thought about comiting suicide and it made me really afraid to have those kind of thoughts so I decided to reach out. In future entries I will be telling you about myself and sharing bits of my life. I hope I can serve as a crutch for those who are struggling with depressive thoughts just like me. This is what I posted yesterday (you can find it in the forum under the name “I want to end my life”): ” Hi everyone, Today, for the first time in my life I seriously considered suicide. I had never done so before, sometimes I just joked around saying things like “oh shoot me” or “just end me now”, but it’s only now that I realise that it’s been no longer a joke for a while. My sister said today that I only “make her miserable and ruin her life”, my brother said that I’m a “bad sister” and my parents think I’m an embarassment to this family. And honestly? They are right. You might read this and think I’m an exaggerated idiot, but this episode is only what pushed me over the edge. My family loves me, I have great friends, good health and I’m financially stable. So why do I want to **** myself? I don’t want to die because I hate life, I LOVE life, I love what I’m studying and I’m full of projects and dreams to make come true. But the thing is, what’s the point in doing anything of all of this if it brings pain and sadness to my family? I know they love me and I know they would mourn me and be sad for a while, but I’m sure they would heal, move on with their lives and in the end be thankful to me for making their lives easier by disappearing once and for all. I’m really really scared. I never had such dark thoughts before; I even traced out different plans on how to end my life!!! And I can’t talk about this with anyone I know because I would jut make them feel even worse with all my depressing nonsense than I already am by being alive. Sorry for this buzzkill post, but I needed to share this with someone, even if it’s random people on the interntet. “ Pretty sad uh? Depression is a monster that comes out of ****ing nowhere and kocks you right in your ass. But all trough the day I recieved beautiful answers and great advice from strangers who were kind enough to reach out and help me navigate through this difficult times. I don’t know why my update automaticaly puts itself as “hidden” but I wanted to share my update with you guys and hopfuly the kind souls that wrote me back might bump into this and recieve their more than owed answer. This is what I wrote today: ”UPDATE! Hi everyone, It’s been a very very intense, emotionaly draining day and I want nothing more than going to bed but I feel like I owe you an update on my situation since I already threw all of my sadness your way, might as well now give you some good news. Thank you so so so so much for all of your kind words, encouragement and advice. I took this day for myself and called the number of the hotline you gave me but it told me it’s only for people from Australia. Notwithstanding, it inspired me to look for my country’s own suicide hotline(which I didn’t know existed in my country) and had a great talk with one of the professionals that volunteer there that lasted for like two hours. They helped me realize that although my pain is very valid, ending my life would be a cowardly move, the easy way out, and I might be a lot of things but I for sure ain’t a coward. I need to face my problems head on. Ending my life it’s just a way from running from troubble, and it won’t actually solve everything; it would only lesve behind sorrow and unresolved problems for the rest of eternity. After that enlightning chat I just layed in bed for a while listening to music and googling songs that matched my gloomy/reflective mood. During that time I found a Tim McGraw song called “**** myself” (I know that when I post this the name will seem very odd because of the dots that will appear instead of the word), and I thought it perfectly matched my mood. As I listened to the lyrics something clicked. The song didn’t talk about him actually physicaly commiting suicide but of getting rid of his old self, his worst version and to become a more worthwhile human being. And this is what I want to do with my life. I’ll try my damn hardest to be the best version of myself and to bring more light into the world because God knows I can’t do that if I’m dead; I can’t help people if I’m dead, I can’t contribute to society if I’m dead, I can’t be there for my family and friends if I’m dead and I can’t follow my dreams if I’m dead. Another thing I listened to today was a beautiful poem about suicide that it honestly made me cry. I never heard a poem so strong, inspiring and beautiful before. It really helped me and I’m sure it will be useful for anyone going through what I’m going through. One of you guys told me that I should work on finding something to do, something to look foward to and someone to love. I found this advice truly helpful and I’m really trying to do it. I even wrote a list with several items under each category. I wouldn’t have made this progress today without your help and your kind words, you have no idea how much they mean to me. Honestly, the most inspiring and uplifting thing that happened today was not getting your lovely answers to my post but just the mere fact of learning that there are more people out there in the same situation as I am or that where in the same situation who are willing to take some time of their day in order to help strangers facing the same struggles they are facing or used to face. Of course that the progress I made today doesn’t mean that I’m suddenly happy and purposeful, I know that I still have a long way to go until I heal, that I have a lot of pending conversations to have with those closest to me (eventhough they’ll suck) and some many more tears to shed until I can get this ugly demon that is depression out of my heart and head. It will be hard. I know that. But eventhough the road ahead I see right now might not be very smooth and sunny, at least now I can see a road to follow. An ugly path is better than no path at all. I’m sure the sun will shine for me again. After each storm the sun always returns, so why would it be any different for me? It’s only natural for the sun to return once the storm passes. I just have to hold on until it does.” ———————————————————————— Well, this is all for today. I’m absolutely exhausted. I’ll be posting more soon. Stay sane, safe and happy! RSK
  3. So I have dealt with depression off and on for years...the more I read on here..I'm beginning to think it sounds more like being bipolar. Anyway, the main reason I joined this site is because I'm having a hard time dealing with the death of my niece. She was only 4 days old..and just so precious. My brother and his wife had little Miss Ainslee on January 20th and she passed away January 24th. She contracted GBS through delivery which ended up being bacterial meningitis and sepsis. I got to see her on the 23rd at the hospital. And on the 24th I got to hold her before they removed her ventilator..and after that I got to sit with my brother and his wife and their daughter after they removed the tubes and we sat with her until her last breathe. As excited as I was to have her here. . I feel guilty I didn't go see her the first day she was born. I feel horrible my husband and daughter..and the rest of our family didn't get to meet her. When I held her..I couldn't speak to her..in my mind I told her I loved her and how sorry I was that this happened to her. How even though my daughter and husband hadn't met her..they loved her so much as well. It's hard for me to not think about that day. Watching my young brother sit there with his child..whispering words of encouragement in her ear. To see him so happy she was finally here..this kid that turned into a man in the snap of finger..this man that would love this child and take care of her..a man that deserved this child and now she is gone. And I know that everything happens for a reason and God does have a plan and reason why he took her. And I know we'll get to see her again some day. It's hard..when I think about my own 3 year old daughter. If I had only had 4 days with her. I think about the pain my brother and his wife are in. Before this all happened..in July of 2011....my parents..after 25 years of marriage..divorced. My brother is 20 and I am 26. My brother had no idea it was coming..that day he cried and cried..two times within a year I've seen him cry. I one the other hand knew it was coming..and I thought since we were older it wouldn't really effect us as much..it did..just in a different way than it would for a younger kid. I guess the more it sunk in..the more I realized as I was growing up..I wanted my marriage to be like theirs. They rarely fought. . and seemed happy. Dad always worked..mom stayed home with us till we were in school then she worked...and took care of the house stuff. Until it all came out...they both had all this resentment towards each other all these years...for all sorts of things..they never talked about any of it..by the end they both just hated each other. But they ALWAYS but on a show for other people. They were ALWAYS happy around everyone and everyone was shocked when they found up they split. Now that the "ideal" marriage was broken for me..I automatically felt like I was failing at my own marriage. And we were doomed! We've had problems off and on..I believe now actually stem from my crazed moments..I'm not saying it's all my fault but defiantly take half the blame. Anyway, here lately I've been finding it easier to sit on the couch all day and do nothing. I am a stay at home mom with my 3 year old. Normally, I do my job with easy and do a good job. And usually very active with my daughter. But I can't seem to find any sort of motivation. I want to enroll in school in the fall..for some online classes, I also wanted to start a GBS website to raise awareness about GBS in memory of Ainslee..and a few other things I've thought about doing as well but just can't get the motivation to do anything. I've told my husband about all this and he asked me what he could do to make me feel better but I told him I didn't know. Because I don't really know...this time it's started to affect my sex drive. I used to have a very high sex drive..and with in the last month and a half..has basically gone to zero. Right now, we don't have health insurance..so it makes it difficult to go to the doctors. Right now, I do take synthroid for my thyroid problem...and adderal ..for ADD...have been on Paxil in the past..and seroquel which made me suicidal. I also take a baby aspirin daily..do to a DVT 2 months after my delivery with my daughter. It ran from the top of my right hip down to below my knee cap.. If anyone has any ideas or thoughts of somethings I can try by myself at home to make things better until I'm able to see my doctor. ..it would greatly be appreciated. Thank you
  4. shyfelyne

    So Sad

    I actually had trouble figuring out how to add an entry. I wasn't meant to blog. I nearly lost one of my best friends yesterday-my laptop. I think I had a virus & I installed Avast & not 24 hours later, I get a threat detected message. Click on it to see what it is & ....... black screen with cursor blinking in the upper left hand corner. I'm only thinking about all I am losing....again & what the hell am I going to do if I have to buy a new one (can't afford it). So I mess with the BIOS (mind you, I don't really know what I am doing, but I can't let it go). No luck. My roommate who usually fixes these things for me is out of town for the week. I send him urgent text messages & call him even though I know he is working & its inconvenient. Tells me I need to find my OS CD. Good god. I don't know where that stupid thing is from the last time. (Last time a WINDOWS UPDATE took me out). He has a box of drivers & junk, but I need my reinstall O/S CD. I find a couple of CD's & even after staring at 2 Dell disks, can't manage to understand that one of them is in fact the Windows installation CD. It looked just as generic as the driver CD so I didn't know. I got Windows back up & running. I just installed it right on top of the old one. Fortunately, unlike last time, I somehow managed to not overwrite my documents, some of which are for work. I am lost with out my saved passwords & everything is running slow as dirt. I know what I have to do--what my roommate told me I should do, sooner rather than later. Just reformat the whole thing & do a fresh install. I am afraid I haven't found & hoarded all the files I need or might need or might not realize I might need. So, I'm stalling. I don't trust myself to not mess this up & he won't be home till Friday. I don't want to have to get out of bed to work. I really want this thing cleaned up though. I have about 5 gigs of harddrive space left from 53 gigs. I don't know where it is. All my pictures & music are on a separate network server. I really have to stop downloading so much free software & office templates. I am thinking of taking the plunge. I don't know if I can remember how to turn the wireless back on & reconnect to the network to get on line. Even though he walked me through it just yesterday. I'm going to go spelunking for files I don't want to lose.
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