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Showing results for tags 'anger'.
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Hi there, Just signed myself up for the first time after years of occasionally wondering if an online support group would help. I was diagnosed with depression over 10 years ago and have responded very well to medications (various SSRI's) and have put a fair bit of work into doing all the "other stuff" (exercise, eating right, sleeping well etc) but I'm still struggling with the need to take medication. I've tried stopping a few times (once cold turkey and you learn that lesson the hard way... don't do it!) and since then a couple of times while taking a program on mindfulness as a relapse prevention tool etc... Over the years I've also realised that while my problem was depression back in high school (I'm now 30), it's anxiety that has stuck and bothers me most now, if I don't take my meds and be very aware of my mood. Basically I'm on a pretty low dose of Celexa and I'm a totally "normal" person as long as I take it and use other strategies that I've learned over the years. My desire to stop taking meds came about mostly because I'm convinced that taking SSRI's has killed my sex drive. I'm in a reasonably long-term relationship, we live together, and I think he's the one I want to marry. I think I had an average sex drive over the years but now it's pretty much the last thing I ever want and has been for a few years now... I worried that it was because my oppinion of myself had dropped over the years and so I didn't want to be seen naked etc except that's not really true. I worried that it was because I wasn't sexually attracted to my boyfriend but despite years of not wanting to have sex with him, I've had no desire to cheat and no attraction to anyone else. And no desire to *********. It's like I'm a 90 year old woman, trapped in the body of a 30 year old (no offense to horny 90 year old) and it's one of the most embarrassing things to talk about, so I don't (which causes all kinds of relationship problems). So I went to my GP and she suggested trying a different medication and switched me to Wellbutrin. I was thrilled that I lost weight almost right away, could concievably have quit smoking, and convinced myself that I was starting to feel slight sexual urges again. Except once the Celexa completely wore off, my anxiety level started to build and I couldn't think properly; the best way to describe this is that it was like my brain had been put in a blender. I don't know if that was caused by anxiety or if my brain just needs more serotonin to function. The other symptom that comes back when I stop taking Celexa is my irritability... what finally convinced me to sign up for this site was going searching for ANYTHING about depression, anxiety and irritability because I just tried to set up my new iPhone, that I've waited forever to get... not being able to get it out of the case and get the SIM card out almost made me throw it against the wall in frustration. WHen I googled the topic, I found a post on this site from a few years ago and it completely describes the way I feel... Becca158 wrote: " I am fine and perfectly calm if on my own, but if I have to go out and eg go shopping I tend to slowly start to get tense and angry. People just seem to wander aimlessley and get in my way. I start screaming in my head "for god sake get out the ****** way" and just stand there, fists clenched. Or if someone doesn't hold a door when they have finished etc again the comments begin in my head. I get aggitated and irritable very easily, if for some reason I am doing my coat up and the zip gets stuck I try once or twice and then I can' t stand it anymore I will physically just rip the thing of and chuck across the room my anger is so fierce. It scares me sometimes. If I am driving and someone cuts me up, I am a lunatic! I used to be calm, but I feel like a frayed peice of rope. My control isn't what it used to be. Even now, when I sit next to my mom in the evenings and she is watching tv, the rustle of her newpaper has my eye twitching and fists clenching and I long to scream at her "be quiet". I don't of course, because that is rude and its not her fault. But I can rationalise myself till I'm blue in the face but I still can't control my temper. When no one is around and something happens I punch walls, kick things. I just wondered if anyone else was like this? I am cheery and cheerful, but quick to temper is someone says something I think is stupid, even if its a valid question. i get angry and think "why are they wasting my time" I don't understand why I am like this. Like I said before i have always had anger issues but the pills to begin seemed to rein in that side of my temper. I do lots of physical activity like go to the gym and go out running and cycling just to try and burn of some of the energy because it feels like a ball of flames trying to consume me. Sometimes its almost like ants crawling up my skins, just everything is an irritation. its not fair on me, but mostly its not fair on others around me." A few people responded but most offered suggestions and like Becca158, I've tried so many of the CBT techniques and other things, I just need to know if other people feel the same way. It makes me cry just writing all of this because I know I'm completely irrational when I'm like this (my beloved cat kept jumping up on my desk when I was trying to fix the iphone and I wanted to just throw him across the room... yet I love him so much it hurts. I also kicked and put a huge dent in my car when I was fighting with my b/f once) and I'm too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it. So now I don't know what to do... it seems like an obvious fix to just start taking the Celexa again and not be anxious or angry (I should mention too that my dad had huge rage issues when I was growing up and used to exhibit the same behaviour so I worry too that it's just learned behavious) but I so badly want to know once and for all if the medications are causing other side effects (ie. preventing me from losing weight and more importantly, ******* my sex drive). I don't know which is worse for my boyfriend, never getting laid or having screaming matches with someone totally raging and irrational. Most of all, it just feels like this is a symptom that no one ever talks about.... it seems like it's becoming more okay to say that you couldn't go to work etc because you were depressed but I feel SO alone with things like the anger/irritability and trouble thinking or processing information. I think I partly just needed to spew all of this and get it out of my system but it's making me feel depressed again that I've worked so hard over the years to manage my depression and now my anxiety, to still be feeling like I'm the only person in the world who gets irrationally angry like this. :o( And so so alone..... -
I've been battling depression all my life. Lately, things have been getting better. I am no longer looking to self medicate with alcohol. I lost my career position over a year ago. I am working as a cashier for a BIG retail grocery/department/tires/everything store. My wife and I are losing our home to foreclosure, have filed for bankruptcy, and are struggling to make ends meet on $1700 a month. What my problem is deals with feeling anger. I am afraid to allow myself to feel this emotion. I am scared of what I have become in the past because of my anger. In college, I broke my hand punching a concrete wall. In the past, I've had people tell me they don't want to be around me alone because they were afraid of me getting angry. So, as a result, I've stuffed the anger. I simply do not allow myself to get angry. There are things that get me angry, but I don't deal with those things. A perfect example happened this week. My wife decided she was hungry and went to our 24 hour McDonalds at 1:00am. She was drowsy and hit the side of the porch with the front end of the car, tearing off the fender flare. She felt horrible, so instead of expressing my anger and making her feel worse; I simply stuffed those feelings. It's like a pressure cooker, my anger is just under the surface, waiting for a trigger to explode. It scares me. My depression is not too bad. I've been dealing with a lot of issues and for the most part am content. I don't see my therapist until a couple weeks from now. Anyone have ideas on learning how to deal with my anger? Jeff
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Do I need help? I'll just start by saying I'm a 17 year old female living with my parents. My life is seen as pretty well off, we don't have many family issues and financially we're ok for the most part. I have a select few friends who I love. I'm in love with a man who lives 3000 miles away from me and have been for 2 years and haven't had the chance to tell him, even though we talk online every day for hours, a lot of the time our conversation is extremely sexual, but he's perfect. I'm generally a content person, I'm ok with life itself. However, I have depressive tendencies. A few years back I used to self-harm and be a little bit suicidal and I've always been into the darker side of life. I've never been seen as a happy, energetic, colourful, kind, caring person. I'm over the self harming now, and I would never really do it again. I saw how it made my mother feel and how it looks on my arms and I can see it's not worth it. I have a very short temper, but I'm quite passive aggressive. However, it shows in the way I speak. I find I'm the most aggressive/moody when I speak to my mother. I'm slightly misanthropic, I hate the general public and don't care too much about anyone unless I really love them. Also, I have absolutely NO self motivation. I have no motivation to lose the weight I've put on recently, I have no motivation to study or work even though I know if I don't I'll fail the most crucial academic year of my life. I just don't have the desire to do anything. I stay at home a lot of weekends on my own or with one friends watching movies, and I spend most of my time on the internet or playing video games alone in my bedroom. Escapism is how I like to think of it, but I'm perfectly happy being a hermit. If I have to go out to a social event (a party or anything similar) it doesn't distress me, I'm not the life of the party but I don't despise it either. Over the past two years, most noticeably when I broke up with the first boy I ever loved, and again very noticeably after my grandfather died I've become overly emotional. I didn't really see the breakup and the death as a big life changing factor of my life but something inside me has definitely changed, out of my control: I'm constantly tearing and welling up and I get incredibly sad over things that don't even mean anything to me. I just being crying over nothing: a random song I've never heard before on the radio, some happy news on a fictional TV show that I usually don't even watch, hearing about somebody I have no connection to passing away. All of it, everything, anything, makes me want to burst into tears and I have no idea why. It even happens to me when I'm feeling happy, just out of the blue, completely bringing my mood down. This has been going on every day for those 2 years, it's out of my control. It hasn't died down at all and I'm afraid I'll be this emotional forever, Is there something wrong with me? Do I need help? Am I depressed? Could my hormone levels be abnormal? What can you tell me about myself?
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Hi. I've been depressed for two years now. At least I think I have. I'm not constantly sad, angry or any of those things. I just feel empty. I feel like a blank slate. Occasionally I feel happy around my friends or family, but after the moment passes, I feel nauseous, like I've done something disgusting. Other than this, I only feel intense anger. Anger at politicians, anger at teachers, anger at the nature of life, anger at social situations. Just plain anger at the world. Because of this, I don't spend time with friends, I'm doing terrible in school, and have become very focused on a few things. I don't get any enjoyment out of them, they just pass time quickly. The girl who I spent all my time with is after moving to south africa. I'm obsessed with small details, over-analysing everything. I feel like a failure, a burden, and just inadequate overall. Even my friends, who are nice people, make me want to bang my head against a wall. I don't want to die, I only want peace. I just want sleep. All the time. One person knows that I'm even depressed, and she thinks it's getting better. Even as I'm writing, I am convinced I'm seeking attention, and I hate myself for it. Am I depressed? Am I just looking for special attention? Or what? Thanks if you read my little rant. Is there anyone who feels the same way?
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This is my first post on this site. I am 22 and have been dealing with a boatload of emotional issues for the last decade. I've been treated for depression, anxiety, guilt, anger, social disorders, bipolar disorder, insomnia, self mutilation and mood disorders. I have seen countless therapists at multiple psychiatric wards and residential treatment facilities and have been perscriped to pretty much every anti-depressant I have ever heard of. Everyday is a struggle. Waking up is my worst nightmare. I hate going to sleep knowing I have to wake up to another day. I loath people; what they are and what they do. I am unable to maintain a job or stay in school because everytime I walk into an environment with people, I consistently feel like I am being judged or looked down upon. At 22, not being able to have a job or a degree has left me in my parents house, in an environment where no one understands the severity of the thoughts running through my head. According to everyone around me, I am only being dramatic and need to "suck it up" and be a responsible adult. I think about suicide hourly. I have attempted multiple times. The reason I haven't tried again is because each time I have attempted and failed, the outcome has been unbearable. I only want to do it again if I know it will work. I hate seeing what I do to my family when they see me like this. I am in a relationship with a wonderful guy who understands that I have issues, but he doesn't understand how much I can't stand living. I have put him through more suffering than I would wish upon my worst enemies. We have gotten in arguements. I am also plus size. My confidence in myself has been pounded to dirt because of the environment I was raised in. I was raised in a very rich, plastic town where you are bullied and hated if you weigh more than 100lbs. To give you an idea, my high school is the school that the movie 'Mean Girls' was based off of. My father attended Harvard and Brown and the fact that I can't even get through a year of college has devastated him into being an alcoholic. He blames me for his emotional pain. I could continue typing for hours, but no one would read it. If this sounds familiar to any one, please let me know what you have done to overcome the pain.
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2011 was a turbulent year, but over the summer I finally tried to begin reversing the years of damage I did to myself. It wasn't really until December that the combination of the anti-depressants, the cognitive behavioral therapy, and less chaos in my home environment, that I really felt I was getting better. I didn't slip into bad moods as often, I was less doom and gloom, and I even had less intense suicidal imagery than I'm used to having every day. For a while I even thought January has been going good so far. I thought I've been doing better, I even remember being relatively happy about solving a potential college problem and that carried me on a few days. But I started realizing about a week ago that something is definitely wrong right now, and I don't know what it is. I had realized that I'd been especially mean and rude to people including my friends over the course of this month. It feels like five years ago all over again, I hate it. I could be laughing one minute, then I could snap at my friends the next. And when I'm in that mood, it doesn't even seem wrong to me. I don't seem to have any control over this happening. This mood seems to be going in and out, where I'm fine and then later I'll be erratic. I seem to have lost much of my ability to deal with people again. There was an incident in school earlier this week where I was in one of my crowded classes, and I had a major headache. I began feeling angry and anxious because it was so loud and everybody was walking from place to place. I was beginning to crack, and it seemed as if I was feeling actual physical pain as the class got louder and busier. Eventually I had to go to the empty end of the room and lay my head down on a table. After the bell rang I told my friend I wouldn't be going to lunch, and I practically ran out of the school to get to the safety and quiet of my car. I had to dig my keys into my palm to even bear getting through the halls it seemed to hurt so much. Once I was home I had a near complete breakdown, I collapsed, and I was just cursing and sobbing and throwing things. Eventually I calmed down, and later my headache went away. And then just like that, I seemed to be fine again, and I could have a serious conversation without getting angry or erratic. I've been having more and more trouble all week. I've been unable to talk with or deal with people whenever I lapse into that foul mood. I've been ranting about how anti-people I've been a lot lately. I yelled at my friend for touching me twice. I don't like being touched, but she's my friend and I was always used to her punching me and whatnot, but when she touched me this time I practically slapped her hand away and yelled at her, I did the same thing to my mom this morning. Finally, Friday night at Starbucks, after much consideration, I apologized to my friend and told her how I just realized that I'd been acting that way. I told her that I think it's one of two things: Either I'm getting very 'anti-people' again, or also it could be this thing I get where I try to push away my friends by making them hate me. I think I used to do this because I don't like people getting close. Further still, for the past two years it seems that I tend to have a really bad episode starting after Christmas that leads to downward spiral that lasts months. Today my friend told me that she understands how hard it is to do so, but that I should work on trying to stop things before they get out of hand. So my headaches have flared up again, I'm slipping in and out of depressed and angry moods again, I can't communicate, I'm anxious/nervous again, and even my constant back and neck pains came back. (after they almost miraculously disappeared in December.) I really don't know where this is headed, obviously this has progressed too far already. Luckily I have my therapy appointment at the end of the week, and I can talk about it there. But in the meantime I'd like some advice.... Can anyone else relate? What did you do? How can I try to keep myself from saying harmful things when I'm in an erratic mood? How can I try to bear being around people? What could be causing this sudden relapse? Sorry for the length, but I felt I should explain this to the best of my abilities.
