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Found 18 results

  1. Guest

    Single for life? 11/22/05

    Maybe this blog will come back to haunt me someday, I don't know. I was thinking today about under what circumstances I would get married again. Know what I came up with? NONE!! Never again do I want to have to tiptoe around because of another person's moods. Never do I want to waste energy fighting about miniscule stuff like who didn't empty the dryer or who forgot what at the store. Now I can do what I want, when I want and how I want. Why would I ever give that up? I have the greatest friends here and IRL, and they never make me feel stupid or boring or less than I am. I don't have to listen to snoring at night anymore. I don't have to wash anybody's else's underwear. I go to bed whenever I feel like it. Sometimes I even eat cereal for dinner (when the kids aren't home). I make my own decisions and don't have to consult anybody else. I don't have to cringe with embarrassment from someone else's behavior because they are "connected" to me. I don't have to remember somebody else's Social Security number or whether they like green beans. I know what you're thinking. Not everyone out there is going to be like EX; there are some decent guys who would make good husbands. Okay, maybe I'll just date those guys and keep my freedom. Now that I've had a taste of it, I want to eat it all up. It's good to feel like I no longer NEED to have another person in my life. I was so lonely because I didn't know how to live any other way, but I don't feel lonely anymore. Yes, I have had to give up some things, but I've gotten a lot of things in return.Feel free if it ever happens to say, "I told you so," but right now I'm not ever getting married again! Yuck!
  2. Guest

    Pity Party 12/11/05

    Dear EX, Having never been alone because you're afraid to, you have probably never experienced what I'm feeling these days. You once told me you "admired" me for being able to be alone. Here's what it's really like... You're in the emergency room after a car accident, laying on a stretcher with your neck in a brace and you can't move. You're getting a bunch of tests and it's scary. Nobody rushes over to see if you're okay, although you know word has gotten out. Nobody calls the hospital. When they finally tell you that you can go home, you walk by yourself outside with your arm in a sling, sit on the curb and wonder how you're going to get home. When you finally do make it home, no one is there to say they are glad you're okay, give you a hug, fill your prescriptions or ask you if you would like anything. Your body starts to heal, but your mind never forgets that sense of isolation. Once you have had somebody there to care for you, especially for a long time, it's hard to do without. The holidays approach, and you buy a fake tree because you can't carry a real one all by yourself. It doesn't smell good. It looks fake. You feel fake although you're trying to make it a good holiday for the kids. There are no Christmas parties this year, no reason to buy a new dress or put on makeup. The mistress will attend those parties and be introduced to everybody by your ex-husband. You get cards in the mail of other happy families. Some cards even have your ex-spouse's name on them. You try desperately to put together some kind of gathering so you won't be alone on Christmas Eve when your children are at the ex-in-laws big Christmas party and the mistress is sitting on Santa's lap instead of you. Nobody can make it, though, because they all have their own families to spend the evening with. You type a letter at 12:30 a.m. because you have had insomnia since your spouse left and don't sleep much. You type a letter and never send it because it wouldn't make a difference anyway. You feel hot tears stinging your eyes. You think of all the things you could have and should have done better to make him happy. You feel like less of a person. He mentions her name, and it still sends you to bed for the rest of the day. You don't want him back the way he is now; you just want your life back. That's what it's like. Still admire it?
  3. Guest

    Me, Myself and I 11/17/05

    Poor blog, I've been ignoring you. There, there. Things are different these days. I guess I haven't written because it is hard to find the right words for how I have been feeling lately. To be honest, I didn't believe a single one of you when you promised me that time would help heal my wounds, but you were all exactly right. With time and some good advice along the way, I'm healing. Nine months after wishing I was dead, I feel more alive than ever. I'm stronger and more confident, not every day, but more days than I used to be even when I was married. I've found a little backbone and have started test-driving it. You know what? It's addicting. Last night, I wrote to the members of my former family and told them (nicely) that I no longer wanted to hear their complaints about Pinkie and EX. As much as I have been enjoying trashing them up until now, it's wasted energy and time spent thinking about them. I told them I need to move away from that and get on with my life. EX will never change. Pinkie will never change. But I have to. I also have discovered what you have been telling me all along--that I don't need EX or any other man to "complete" me. I'm fine all by myself. Being alone is not a bad or shameful thing, and I'm not going to settle for some random guy just to have somebody in my life. My life is too important for that, and I've spent too much time wasting it already. I am blessed with more than I could ever want, so (like Dorothy) if I ever need to look for my heart's desire, I won't go any farther than my own backyard. I'm sure not every day will be roses and sunshine, but at least I know those days are there to look forward to. I like myself right now for a change. I like you all, too.
  4. Guest

    And you're all invited! 11/03/05

    First off, yes I realize it's 4:00 a.m. Insomnia strikes again. So...I have no ideas, no confirmed guests, no money--but I'm going to have a Christmas party. Here was my invitation:-----------------------------------------------------------------------First off, am I correct that Christmas is on a Sunday this year? Tried to find out but not sure. Secondly, I know you don't want to talk about Christmas. I know you don't want to think about Christmas. I know some of you are even Jewish. We just had a hurricane, for goodness sakes. Why would you want to discuss Christmas? Some of you may not even get this message until Christmas (but I hope not). Here's the deal--I know Christmas is going to stink this year. I don't even want to do it, but I have no choice. I have two little guys counting on me. However, my in-laws annual Christmas Eve party, which I have attended for 20 years, will go on without me this year. Skank will be sitting in Santa's lap instead. I won't be taking pictures of my kids sitting there either. Christmas Day, I will spend half of the day without the boys. They will be with the person who has always blatantly hated Christmas every year and never made a secret of it. Here's my idea. What if on Friday the 23rd we had a very small party here at my house? We could do a Secret Santa for the kids (every kid brings a small gift and they exchange). I'm thinking minimal food, minimal drinks, spend the night if you don't want to drive a long way twice in one night. What if we just spend the evening watching our kids play together and being grateful for what we DO have? Are any of you free that night and would be interested in doing something like that? Basically, I just want my kids and me to have a good and memorable holiday. It's kind of like the Hard Rock party. Something bright and festive in the middle of the bad stuff. Taking tons of pictures to remember it on the bad days. Please let me know what you think of this idea. I love you guys very much! Whether you come or not.-------------------------------------------------------------------------Hey, it was the best I could come up with in the middle of the night. Man, I'm going to be hating life around 10:00 a.m. or so when the lack of sleep hits me. Older son is in my bed (climbed in a few hours ago) with his long ol' legs and arms. When did he get so big?Insomnia hurts, like in a painful way. Eyes burning, fingers tapping, brain scrambled. I have one Ambien left and need to save it for a rainy day (night). Sitting here wondering if EX is going to get fired this afternoon for being a walking sexual harrassment suit. Repeat after me: DE-NIAL. He has no clue why his boss is picking on him. Like myself, his boss has lost total respect for him, but EX would be shocked to hear it from either of us. Not joking, he would actually be surprised by that. Waiting to see if EX brings Pinkie here just to show me he's still the boss. Nuh uh, no way, no more. I can't even bring myself to cry over this person anymore. Don't mess with me. :red_bandana: Remember Mad Libs? EX is a (adjective) man. I will (verb) his (noun) if he brings that (adjective) person to my house. I'm tired and feel like (noun). I (adverb) need to go to bed. It makes me smile that people read all of this, my silly rambling thoughts in the middle of the night. I should just get up and do something, but you know I'm hiding in here. I am positive my mother will hear me get up and then will get up too and follow me around. I'm so tired I would snap. I feel trapped and suffocated. When did my pretty little townhouse become this prison? I don't know how you would classify this, but did you know that my mother does EVERYTHING that I do? I have a purse--she bought the same. I ate a piece of older son's Halloween candy (he doesn't like it), and she got a piece behind me. I'm not joking--I will cough and then hear her cough a second later. I'm dead serious. I'm even embarrassed to write that. At a restaurant, she'll say, "What are you having?" and inevitably order the same exact thing down to the drink. Same music, same favorite TV show (Lost), same table manners, same shampoo. I get a drink, she gets a drink. I use my napkin, she uses her napkin. Some would say I should be flattered, but I am not. I am put up to a standard that I simply cannot live up to.Oh man, I need help. :surrender:
  5. Guest

    Honk if you love DF! 11/02/05

    Last March, I came here broken. It wasn't my first time here, but I was in the worst condition of my life. I had been cheated on, lied to and walked out on. I wished I was dead. Every minute that went by was sheer torture, and I was positive that I would be beaten down, lose everything including my children and hate every day of my life from that day forward. At DF, my tears were dried. My hand was held. My backbone was strengthened. I was carried when I could not walk. I was praised when I did walk. I was treated like a best friend by scores of people I had never met. I came here desperate many times not knowing what move to make, and I got replies EVERY SINGLE TIME helping me go in the right direction. Here I was never ignored or made to feel insignificant. I was loved. Now, I live in a beautiful townhouse with my children by my side. The sun shines on me most days, although I still have needed some hand holding. I eat when I never thought I would touch another bite of food. I sleep when I thought that was impossible. I go out and have fun. I even come here once in a while with a funny story to tell rather than an urgent cry for help. Life is far from bad. Those who hurt me have not had it nearly as well as I have. Things are not perfect but--you know what--I have learned to accept less than perfection and be okay with that. DF did this for me. I will never forget that. And I lived happily ever after.
  6. Guest

    Badmouthing 11/1/05

    My kids had an awesome Halloween. We Trick-or-Treated with our neighbors and some friends and hit every house within a one-mile radius. Their little bags were spilling over. Every time my 3-year-old came away from a house he would yell, "This is the BEST Halloween!" Hilarous. Unfortunately, all of us parents had something to drink after our kids night out was over. My ex-SIL was there (the one I'm close to), and there was a lot of EX and Pinkie bashing done by all of us. Then I realized that my kids could have been in earshot as I was talking bad about their father, and it didn't feel good. I felt incredibly guilty. Badmouthing (especially EX) is such an easy thing to do, yet it really can cause so much damage. I once heard that when you insult a parent to a child, the child takes the insult into their own heart because they are part of that parent. I don't want to leave those kinds of scars. This morning, I pledged to myself that I'm going to not make negative comments about EX or Pinkie out loud anymore. I'll save them for here where nobody "IRL", and especially not my kids, can see them. I have always admired EX's father (divorced from his mother) because he has never once made a negative comment about his ex-wife (and she does make it easy) and has not even joined in when others have done so. I admired that when I was still married to EX and hope I can use him as a role model for myself to act the same way. I hope I can learn from last night's experience rather than beating myself up about it the way I usually do.I still need to have the talk with my mother. I have to tell her I can't take the pressure of being responsible for her life and happiness. I spoke to ex-SIL about it last night and she agreed. She is the only one I have told about it, and I asked her not to say anything especially to her family. She agreed with Rachel here that I need to find a neutral place and just be honest with her. I speak to my therapist today, so maybe I will get further suggestions.That's about it. The kids are still sleeping off their sugar high. I will post some great pictures I took when I download them. I can't even tell you how much fun they had. It was so much like Halloween like I remember it from being little and so much better than previous years in our old house when every house was spread out a mile apart. My friends made me promise they could come back next year. :holloween:
  7. Guest

    Mini updates 10/30/05

    Clocked 10 good hours of sleep last night (thanks, Ambien). Feel better about Grandma K thanks to the people here at DF. I hope to see her very soon.Mother feels better. Pinkie is apparently making an *** out of herself with in-laws (by being an annoying twit). People are recovering a little bit from the hurricane and getting some power back (yay). Looking forward to Halloween tomorrow with the kids. Youngest is going to be Robin (like Batman and Robin) and the other Yu-Gi-Oh (for those without kids he's kind of like Pokemon). :wolverine: :sorcerer: :holloween: Worked 8 overtime hours this weekend but got overtime pay so am happy.Ordered some Cheri Huber books (from Art.Chick's advice to another person here; I checked them out on Amazon and they look good and helpful). No crying today for a change. Just concentrated on work, came here several times and cleaned a little. Tried to focus on the small things which helped. Hope everyone is well.
  8. Guest

    Gotta love hurricanes...10/24/05

    It's 5:00 in the morning, and the news says things will start to get bad in about an hour. The storm is also supposed to be stronger than originally thought. Last year, Hurricane Jeanne was a Category 2 and was scary, and this one is supposed to be a 2 at least. EX continues his quest for "Father of the Year" by being too busy shopping for his hurricane party to make sure his children are secure and have everything they need. I'm really angry with him right now. I knew holidays were going to be tough after the divorce, but I never really thought about hurricanes. EX just left everything up to me and didn't even ask if he could help.I guess I'm going to go take my last hot shower for a while. We have shutters and I'm sure we'll be fine, just inconvenienced by the power outages. I worry a little about the kids being scared today, but more than likely they'll just be stir crazy with nothing to do. My mother is scared; she slept on the couch with the TV on. This is her first real hurricane. We'll be okay, though.
  9. Guest

    Insomnia 10/28/05

    I have had really bad insomnia since EX left. I have sleeping pills but can't use them every night, so on nights like this I am up and around and thinking. When it's late like this, I tend to focus on the negative. My finances are getting worse, my mother is getting worse, my loneliness is getting worse. The best things in my life are my two beautiful children, and since I'm not taking good care of myself I wonder how good my care is of them. I'm afraid of making a mistake and my EX's family making a move to take them away somehow. I'm pretty much afraid of everything. Sometimes I think I've come so far, but other times it seems like I haven't moved at all.If you find all this boring and repetitive, well so do I. I'm tired of living the way I do. I cry at least once a day. I'm just not cutting it. I don't even know whether it's depression or circumstances or what it is. I really hate it here in Florida, even more so because of this hurricane that barely even touched me. That was just dumb luck, but maybe next year I won't be so lucky (like last year's hurricanes). EX actually said to me about the hurricanes, "Remember last year when we..." It didn't even matter what he was talking about, just that he said "we." It reminded me of parties and playdates and watching TV and sleeping and laughing and Sunday dinners and all the things that are gone now. I liked being part of a "we." He was there with me even when we weren't together. Now he is a "we" with somebody else who is apparently very annoying and pushy and hostile. It makes me wonder sometimes how bad I was that he left me for that girl. As miserable as I hear he is now, how miserable was he before?I wish I could say I was going to bed now, but I know I won't. It's 12:03 a.m. and I'm not sleepy. I hear my mother coughing and know she is awake, too, but I won't go out and talk to her. I never do. I hide in my room and dread the times I have to leave it and she's sitting there always as if she's waiting for me. It's mean to say, especially today since she's having a hard time and especially after all she's done for me, but I get resentful at her always being here. I just want the house to myself sometimes. I know it's awful. Sometimes I see a mess of hers and think it wouldn't be there for me to take care of if she wasn't here. Never mind all the times she does the laundry and watches the kids. I know I'm an ungrateful Biotch, no need to tell me. I'm an incredibly bad daughter as well and know I'm going to be sorry someday.Enough from me. My sweeties are sleeping down the hall. You guys get some sleep, too.
  10. Guest

    From The Board 10/23/05

    I went and got out my book "He's Just Not That Into You" and re-read parts of it for a little reminder. Then I called SH's sister and asked her not to mention my name to SH anymore. He knows how to get a hold of me if he wants to. And if he doesn't want to--oh well. I spent too much time chasing after EX to ever chase anybody again. I need to keep my self worth and dignity that I have fought so hard for. Just like with the storm, all I can do is hold on, ride the wave and stay above water.
  11. Guest

    Dear Brenshay 10/12/05

    I'm sorry to be so blunt, but your ex-husband does not love you anymore, not even a little bit, and he hasn't for a long time. He made up his mind to leave you long before he got the guts to do it. He was just waiting around for a backup (aka Pinkie) because he couldn't survive on his own. If he and Pinkie ever break up, he will not be coming back to you. He has moved on. You have tried everything possible to get his attention, but not one thing has worked. You got a tattoo. You cried. You yelled. You were sweet. You ignored him. You wrote him letters. You threatened divorce. You bought new clothes. You sold the house. You had a big party without him. You moved into a great townhouse without him. You swallowed a bunch of pills. You dated another man. Not one of those or any of the other things you did made him notice you or brought him back to you, and there is nothing you can do that will work because he's not in love with you anymore. He does not miss you. He does not think of you fondly. He does not wonder what you are doing. He does not think of you while he is with Pinkie. If he is nice to you, it is purely out of guilt. He does not ever call you just to say hello or ask how you are doing. He never shows up at your doorstep. He did not visit you in the hospital or call you when you got home. He did not even acknowledge the letters where you poured your heart out. He did not rush to stop the divorce hearing. He doesn't care. This is not the man you are going to grow old with and sit on the porch together in rocking chairs watching your grandchildren play. I know you have held on to this dream for a long time, but it will not happen with him. You will have to find another dream. It is time for you to let go of him and move on. Stop thinking your situation is temporary. Stop waiting for him to call you or show up in the middle of the night. He's not coming. You will not be getting re-married to him. He has fallen out of love with you. Somebody out there will love you the way you deserve, but if you have your head turned away how will you ever see him? You can't embrace a ghost. Take your love and adoration away from the person who doesn't want it and give it to somebody who matters--YOU! The rest will fall into place. Read me whenever you miss him, feel sad, feel angry or feel lonely. I will always remind you of the truth. You need to believe it. Love always,Brenshay
  12. Guest

    Rejection 10/23/05

    Rejection really hurts. The storm is coming, and all I can do is lay in bed. Usually EX made us safe and sound with everything we needed during a storm, but now he doesn't even call to see if we're okay. My crush on SH got too big, and now I'm being crushed. Needless to say, he hasn't called to check on me either. I know I'm being ridiculous and feeling sorry for myself. I'm sick with a cold and laryngitis and feel terrible anyway. My house is all dark because my ex-father-in-law was kind enough to put up my shutters. I'm moping terribly. Laying here with the phone. Pathetic. The kids are playing with other kids and are happy; I can hear them. Even my mother's ex husband called to see if she was all right. I'm having a total pity party. What a waste. How fortunate I am and how easily I turn away from it all, concentrating on things that won't make a difference next week. Everything hurts deeper, harder. I'm going back to bed.
  13. Ready for this...Pinkie got fired!Okay, now ordinarily I'd be screaming injustice because the woman got fired while the "men" got to keep their jobs, but this is PINKIE we are talking about here. She does not garner any sympathy from me. In her case I would use the term "woman" very loosely (like she is). Maybe it's mean, but Also, my mother told me yesterday that my older son referred to Pinkie as "That girl who I don't like." It just makes me mad that EX forces this bimbo on our children every weekend, doesn't do anything with them on his own, and one of them (at least one) doesn't even like her. I'm not going to play the bitter EX wife and say anything to him about it, but I'm going to be there in case my son wants to talk about it with me. And, yes, I will be objective for his sake. I don't want to do anything that might hurt his relationship with his dad, so I'll tread very carefully. In other news, the SH (smokin' hottie) has not called or written me yet. I'm so disappointed. His sister says that he is interested and wants to go out but he's kind of shy. I can relate to that. I guess if he calls, he calls and if he doesn't, then he doesn't. I'm really not the type of person who would make the first move. I know, this is the year 2005 and I should be able to. It's just not who I am. Anyone want to do the "Pinkie Got Fired" dance with me? Here we go... :taz: :taz: :taz:
  14. Guest

    Fortune Cookies 10/15/05

    So I had Chinese for dinner tonight, and here's what my fortune said..."Behind every able man, there are always other able men."I kept it and put in on the refrigerator. K. e-mailed me late last night to say that she had spoken to her brother and that he wants to talk to me. He said to tell me that he was sorry about what EX had done to me (he sort of knows us both). Can I tell you, this guy looks like a young Baldwin brother--so cute! I wish I could show a picture of him. I'm looking forward to seeing him either when K. gets here or before. K. was so cute in her e-mail. She had gotten out her childhood diaries and said I was on every page. She wrote that I had always been a mentor to her and had stuck by her when nobody else would. She is a real sweetheart, and I love her so much. I hope there are no circumstances that will ever separate us again. It feels great to have her back in my life. Not much other news to report except that EX was kind enough to come and hook up our DSL router so the kids and my mother could get on the Internet. So I'm glad we're getting along decently, even though I'm trying to keep a good distance between us. I still have my letter propped up on my desk in case I forget the true nature of our relationship(as in, there's not one).Love to all who blog and read the blogs. I'm glad you're out there.
  15. Guest

    Waiting on a friend 10/14/05

    For about 9 years now, I have been wondering and worrying about a childhood friend of mine (call her K). We grew up together, but her life became very troubled and she dropped in and out of mine as we got older. When she was gone, I searched for her and even had recurrent dreams about finding her at least three times a month. She was as close to me as a sister; we even look alike. Growing up, I always tried to hold her up as life was knocking her down, and she was always there for me to do the same. We were bonded that way, by friendship and hardship. Every now and then, I have been typing her name into Classmates or Google or People Finder or anything else I could think of. Last night I tried Classmates again, and her name came up! I immediately sent her an e-mail, doubting she would get it but hoping all the same. Early this morning, she sent me one back with her phone number in Texas. I started bawling as I dialed her number, only to find her bawling on the other end of the phone. It turned out that she had been trying to find me, too, and she had joined Classmates in an attempt to search for me. It turned out that her loser boyfriend at the time had told each of us that the other one didn't want to see us anymore. I went for years thinking she was mad and so did she. We talked for hours and spent the whole day e-mailing pictures back and forth. She didn't know I had two boys. I didn't know she had gotten married and moved to Texas. She didn't know about my divorce. We sent new pictures as well as old pictures that we laughed about. She called her husband at work and told him she had found her "one true friend." That made me feel really good.She and her husband are coming to stay with me for a weekend next month, and she and I plan to make up for lost time. We have already acknowledged that we have a lot to tell each other. It has been such a great day!And...as an added bonus...she sent me pictures of her all-grown-up and SINGLE brother who turned out to be a smokin' hottie!! He had a crush on me in 9th grade and I totally rejected him, but she has plans now to fix us up and "reunite" us. Wow, I definitely could do a lot worse!Which brings me to the other fix up. You know, the one I mentioned a few days ago that another friend of mine is arranging. Well...I hope I don't sound totally shallow...but the friend e-mailed me a picture today and I wasn't physically attracted. For one thing, he is an amazingly tall person and I'm 5'1". My friend also said the guy "cuts his hair short," and that turned out to be a codeword for "bald." Okay, I'm still gonna go out with this guy and not judge him based on his looks, so please don't think what you're thinking of me. It's just that...here I am getting picture after picture of this other Gorgeous Specimen all day and then...oh, never mind!Anyway, I love you K. I'm so glad we found each other again. What a great day!
  16. Guest

    The Martyr 10/11/05

    S. ended up sending a pretty harsh e-mail to EX blasting him for sharing his personal life with Pinkie, and she told him he needs to leave me alone. He wrote her back and included this paragraph..."I have been in a very difficult position with all of my family andfriends from the very beginning, but since I put myself here, I cannotcomplain and just have to take it. I have lost all of my friends becausethey only hear one side of the story and it is a sad story, again I donot complain because I did this. I was not looking for her emotionalsupport and she was asking the questions. I care very much about her andwant her to stop hurting, but it seems that it just keeps going. I amnot clueless, rather extremely sorry and have said it a million timesbut it does not seem to matter."EX is definitely playing up the martyr angle, which he did with me when he was pouring out his troubles with his girlfriend. Yes, he has said he was sorry, but he seems to think having said that erases any hurtful thing he does in the present or will do in the future. If EX has a side of the story, it is his own fault if he doesn't choose to reach out to his friends and tell it. The fact that he says the hurt "just seems to keep going" shows how clueless he is about his own actions. He and I could never be real friends without both of us having a ton of professional therapy, and even then it would probably be better if we weren't. I'm glad he said he is going to keep his distance. I hope that he will get to the point someday where he remembers how to have compassion for other people. Too late for me--but maybe not for others. For 20 years, he and I have been tangled up in love, hate, confusion, depression, etc. Now I know it is time for me to untangle. It hurts because I love him, but I know I will hurt longer and deeper if I don't do it. Neither of us is all bad or all good. I just know we're bad together. That is painful to write.
  17. Guest

    Hitting the Fan 10/11/05

    My best friend since high school (call her S.) is furious with EX over the events of last week. Here's a small sampling..."I know he doesn't get this, but you must realize that he is putting you back on an emotional course that can lead straight to the hospital again. I have never (since this all started) felt more like emailing him and telling him to leave you the hell alone than I do right now. What a selfish F$%@$& Barsteward! You are supposed to comfort him as he gives this other girl the empathy that he couldn't muster up for his wife of 20 years!!! "She asked me about five times for his e-mail address. I don't know if it was the right thing to do, but I gave it to her. I know that EX will quickly shift the blame to me and demand to know what I told her to make her write him such an inflammatory letter, but she is the wisest person I know and may actually be able to get a point or two across with him. A little background...In high school it was me, EX and S. together all the time. The three of us were extremely tight. Even after EX and I started dating, it didn't change the relationship the three of us had, which continued well into our adult years. Then S. got married, and we included her husband into our little group. But there was just something about the bond the three of us had that was special. It was something I hadn't thought about in a while, and it made me a little sad when I thought of it today and the thought of S. writing an e-mail and blasting EX over his treatment of me. S. and I are as close as we ever were, but the person that was EX does not exist anymore. I miss that person.In other news, a friend of mine is trying to do the "fix-up" between me and one of his friends. I need more info but, hey, what else do I have to do? And I turned in my first writing assignment last night for that class I'm taking. I was thinking about posting it here but not sure if I should. It was supposed to be about a pivotal moment in our lives. Maybe I will share it later.
  18. Guest

    Triggers 10/10/05

    This afternoon, somebody else on another forum wrote that while she was able to manage her day and do the things she needed to do, she felt an undercurrent of pain and sadness that has never left her since she has been divorced. That really set off a trigger for me, and before I knew it I was full-out bawling. What she said is so true for me as well. For instance, on Saturday night I had my "townhouse party," which was fun and went really well, but that undercurrent was still present. After last week's fiasco of EX's big breakup and reconciliation with Pinkie (the other woman), I have started over today with my "limited contact" mission. No phone calls, e-mails, etc., unless it concerns the kids, and if he e-mails or calls me and tries to bring up personal subjects, I plan to discourage that and keep my boundaries. He did write late today about seeing the kids, and I let him know (again) that I would appreciate a schedule at the beginning of the week so that I can make plans for myself. He's being really cagey about the whole thing, and I suspect he doesn't want to give up too much of his precious freedom or have to "commit" to anything. My older son is having a tough day today. His cousins were in town last night, and he stayed up late. He had trouble getting up and through his school day, and now he is all upset over doing homework. He was actually crying earlier. I checked on him a few minutes later, and he was laying in bed just staring into space. I know it was really just fatigue, but I got scared for a few minutes thinking about depression and whether or not he will inherit it. He is such a sensitive kid and has gone through so much in the last 9 months. Sometimes I see that natural childish happiness slipping away from him, and it makes me sad. I just hope that my best for him is good enough. For both of them, actually.
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