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  • authenticity has a price.
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Found 110 results

  1. worked up the courage to go swimming today, took most of the afternoon to get ready. Got to the swimming pool and found out that the council, after refurbishing the pool, decided not to fill it as it would cost too much and they were planning on closing the entire building on the 1st of April. So all my worry and fear went to nothing. got back on the bus and donw the main street of my city, a lot of the shops are closed down or taken over by someone else. Seems like everything is chaning except me and I can't stand it. i feel like I'm in prison. Except I did no crime, except be born to the wrong people.
  2. the painting I started 3 weeks ago in the Art Therapy Group I attend, is almost finished. Its big and colourful. I don't know what I feel about it, a bit unsatisfied, cos its not as good as some others I have done. It feels disconnected and disjointed, probably because there's a week in between each session.
  3. My occupational therapist wants me to start doing something at our sessions rather than just talking. So today I am going to 'create' some Thai fish parcels. Hopefully, they will taste ok. Its rather a bit of a cheat, cos I won't be making the filo pastry myself. But then why go to the bother of making filo pastry when someone else has gone to the bother of making it and boxing it up to sell? LOL. I've got all the ingredients, salmon, ginger, coriander, zest of lime, garlic, spring onion and the filo pastry and some melted butter. Also, what is good about this is that I can get the money back on the ingredients cos its 'Therapy'! Not that I'll be doing that cos its not that much. Last week I was told that I shouldn't have been paid Statutory Sick Pay from the 28th May 2007 (when I was first ill) I should have gone straight onto Incapacity Benefit. So I'm going to be getting it backdated this week. Obviously I'll end up having to pay back the SSP, though I haven't heard yet. It was a mistake by my work.
  4. this time its an old lady with walking sticks. She barged into a bus queue and said because of her sticks she could do it. *****
  5. couldn't get up early enough on monday to wash my hair and so after my shoulder rehab class I went to see about getting my hair cut. It was just going to be a trim but ended up taking more than half my hair off. I can still tie it back but its very short, compared to what it was. Do I regret it? Well only when I see pictures and film of other women with lovely long hair. I think it was time to get it cut. its lighter and freer. Of course now I have to put up with the curls, which are natural.
  6. Had a good night with Colin and Fiona who are recently engaged. Shared some Alcohol and other alcohol. Behind it all lies the thought that I may not be around much longer. Behind the smiles lie the tears.
  7. Don't you find that some 'normals' (those without diagnosed mental illnesses) are actually worse as people than those of us with mental illness. A woman got 'angry' at me cos of the look on my face, apparantly. I had to move out of my path to get round her to get to the seat in the bus shelter. i wasnt' that much better than her, cos instead of ignoring the 'Biotch' I responded. It ended up with her calling me 'ugly, fat, old', because of my hair which is long. Apparantly she 'can get more men than' me and this was because she has a wrinkled face and nondescript hair style. When I called her a slut, she agreed and said 'Yes thats right I'm a prostitute'. She wanted to try and hit me and basically I was wanting her too, possibly because its a form of self harm. Anyway I got left with not feeling very good about myself, again.
  8. I saw my mothers Bebo entry last night and in it she mentions loving spending time with her 'lovely husband'. What a liar. The pair couldn't stand each other whilst I was living under their roof. The amount of nagging and rows, shouting and general nastiness was immense. Its what me up today as regards relationships. I couldn't understand how they seemed to hate each other but still had sex. Two faced, hypocritical and all the rest of the ...arrrghh.....
  9. Well you shouldn't really read this, its just a venting. Angry at parents for not being caring parents. Angry at them for leaving us in the 'tender' care of my awful brothers so that they could go to the pub every night. Angry at mother for threatening suicide so that I was scared that she wouldn't come back. Angry at parents for not being better role models. Angry at brothers for their psychological torturning of me. Angry at other pupils for not liking/hating me, pushing me around, picking on me, making fun of me. Angry at men for using me. Angry at men for being two faced. Angry at ex-husband for using me, for not talking to me, for not treating me as a partner. Angry at people for lying to me. Angry at people. Angry at parents for not getting me medical help for my depression when I was a child. Angry at doctors for not getting me proper medical treatment for my recurring depression. may be more later. This is in response to my pdoc telling me that I was angry, yet I didn't feel angry. So I thought, "What do I have to be angry about?".
  10. firelizardee

    Treats

    Well I treated myself to a new computer. My laptop had a serious S/W malfunction and it messed up a few other things which I couldn't get sorted. It seems to need a comple reinstall of the OS and all my apps. This is only my 3rd computer since 1992/3. My laptop has lasted 6 years so I think I got a good deal with that.
  11. Yes 11 days to go to the Winter Solstice. 21st December is the shortest day. Soon the sun will return. yeah.
  12. I realise that I need reassurance from people, telling me that they like me otherwise I think they don't. I think that medical staff (nurses in the psych ward, psychiatrist, GPs) don't like me and that makes it difficult to ask for help. aaargh.
  13. Well last week I possibly took an overdose but it was untreated. The police arrived round on Tuesday, sent by Dr P Sclare. I spent the rest of the week feeling distressed and not real. But I did read a good book: "Suicide: The forever decision". And this weekend I have set up a direct debit with The Samaritans to donate some money every month. Its the least I can do.
  14. How I'd like to be remembered. Remember me as I was. Helping out on DF. Hopefully making things better, either by suggesting things or answering peoples questions, giving support and encouragement.
  15. 56 days to Christmas and I've bought all my pressies and wrapped them up yesterday afternoon, now all I have to do is write out the Christmas Cards.
  16. I had a few friends round on sat night and we ate cheese and biscuits and had lots of alcohol (remember drinking whilst on certain meds is not recommended) listened to music and talked. There were 5 of us in total. 4 humans and 1 dog called Honey. It was a good night, but not so good the next day, as I didn't do much except lie on my setee all day and evening.
  17. I've had episodes of sleep paralysis on and off since the age of 14. Usually they occur at periods of stress or some upset. Well last night I had lots of them. I wake up and can't move and feel as though someone or something is in the room. Well, I had feelings that a cat was on my bed (this has happened often) a few times. I could feel the weight of the cat on the bed and on my body. I even talked to the cat and tried to shoo it away. The sleep paralysis seems to occur when your mind is partially awake but the body isn't, hence the reasons for feeling as though you can't move. It is very scary when you feel somebody there and can't move or talk. A few times I kept thinking that it was my ex-husband lying beside me, but maybe that wasn't sleep paralysis but just a waking dream. I also at one point 'saw' my sister looking into my wardrobe and then suddenly she wasn't there. Perhaps its the Efexor that causes such vivid dreams and these partial waking dreams. But not the sleep paralysis.
  18. firelizardee

    Lumps

    well the swelling in my neck, just below the ear was just a reaction to an infection, so the Dr says. Its still there I think but the infection or what was infected is gone and I've now got another two swollen areas where my neck joins the shoulder. I've got an appt for Tuesday with the dr so I'll talk to him then about it.
  19. firelizardee

    Yao

    Yet another overdose. Apparently because I took the pills over a period of time and not in quick succession it was better for me. I think I had a seizure though, cos I've bitten my tongue on both sides and I don't remember doing it and there was another sign. I had conflicting thoughts: "I want to die" and "Get Help". Its like having 2 minds. So another failure. But as the Samaritan said it would have been a forever decision.
  20. he doen't seem to understand me. I say to him that my life is over and that I have no ambitions left or desires, no places to visit before I die. He thinks that I am depressed and having circulating negative thoughts, which the meds can only partially help. My life is over. If I died he would think/worry that he had not done enough (he has said that). Friends say that they will be sad. but I can't live just to ensure that others are happy or feel they are doing ok in their work. 10 years ago I decided to stop having relationships with men. Anyway they were never working out and my relationships were always the wrong type. I don't think I've ever had a proper relationship. Years ago a group of friends imploded because a couple in the group split up and folk took sides. But it seemed to me that some people I trusted lied to me and so I have cut that group of people out of my life. The other group of people I know aren't close friends, they are people that have kept in touch for about 25/30 years. I know them but we don't do things like phone each other up to talk or meet for coffee. Just meet perhaps 3 or 4 times a year to go out for a meal. My job I used to enjoy. But since I've been off for over 3 years its been hard to get back into. I'm now in an office on my own and I feel left out of things and anyway the other programmers are men. I've now been off 3 months with a dislocated/fractured shoulder and depression. I think I 've lost my confidence in my ability to do the job. I get anxiuos about the work and find it hard to let go. I used to be fairly active and used to go out a lot (drinking), but I've stopped going to badminton because of the feelings I got there (place wasn't friendly towards us amateur players), I stopped going swimming because I had interactions with some angry men and also I just get angry about folk swimming in my way. It wasn't pleasant anymore. l don't even go out just for a drive - since I have no where to go and I don'lt even go out for a walk - I just get annoyed at other people. I'm not angry all the time. I'm now on Chlopromazine and that seems to be calming me down, I'm not surprosed as its other name is Thorazine and thats what they give the angry/aggressive mental patients. At least I won't be throwing my coffee over anyone now. Now today I must make a decision. Do I take all the Tramadol and the Chlorpromazine and just go to sleep? I know that I should probably phone the suicide crises lines (The Samaritans). What I really want, is to take the tablets and die in hospital. DF has been a big part of my life for over 6 years. Many times I've been suicidal and even posted suicidal posts (in the very early days of DF). I know that whatever happens to me that DF will continue. New members will join, people will leave, old moderators will leave and new mods will come online. DF is in safe hands.
  21. Why am I angry? The pdoc thinks that the anger is close to the surface and strangers and others are getting the brunt of it. I don't know what I am angry at. I did suggest to the PDoc as I was telling him about the answer I got about my complaint regarding the misdiagnosis of my dislocated shoulder, was that maybe I'm not allowed to get angry at things. Am I angry at my mother for making me feel unwanted and a nusiience and a pest? Should I be angry at her for making me feel as I was resented? Should I be angry at her for making me do chores and not my brothers? Should I be angry at my parents for not getting me help when I got depressed around puberty? Should I be angry at my parents for going out every night and leaving me to be terrorised by my brothers? Should I be angry at my parents for providing a slum to live in? for not having a bathroom or even a flushing loo? Should I be angry at other kids for not liking me? Should I be angry at other kids for picking on me? Should I be angry for my mother treating me like I was a problem child? for not feeding me properly? Should I be angry at men for using me or maybe just at my parents for arguing all the time and hating each other but stilll having sex? Some role models they were. Should I be angry for people lying to me? Should I be angry at my exhusband for all his sick faults? Should I be angry for not getting proper medical treatment for my depression when I was 19 years old? or for the lack of treatment throughout the intervening years? Or should I be angry at myself? For still being alive? What am I angry at?
  22. well things have been up and down since my last topic in the blog. I got really angry at a woman in a local shop, she didn't really do that much to get me angry, but I ended up shouting and swearing at her. Things were going really bad and 2 weeks in a row the pdoc mentioned possibility of going inpatient for a while. So I went in o nthe 17th. But my anger was still there close to the surface and came out against a right prat of an *****. Pdoc was on holiday for 2 1/2 weeks a week after I had been inpatient. Anyway I ended up hating and having words with the prat and asked staff to keep him away from me. They didn't. It ended up that the prat was in my face every dinner time, so my anger got the better of me and he ended up with a cup of coffee over him. On the 2nd August I was decanted to another ward cos they had run out of female beds on my ward. One of the patients in the other ward was playing her personal stereo so loud that you could hear it leaking from her headphones. I had to ask the nurses 6 times to get her to turn them down. Eventually at 5 am she started playing her music again, I asked the nurses again to do something about it, but again my temper got the better of me and I confronted the other patient, demanding that she had over the personal stereo, she refused, I tried to grab it, she protected it with her body, I put one had on her neck/shoulder to push her away and all hell broke loose, she shouted and kicked me three times and that brought three nurses. I ended up being escorted off the ward at 6. Back in my ward I had nowhere to go and the prat kept shouting and swearing at me, this is after me asking staff numerous times to do somthing about him. Eventually I realised that being on the ward was not doing me any good and so I requested that I be discharged. The dr wasn't willing to let me go but she wouldn't section me even though I was saying that I was going to **** myself. Anyway I had to hang about to get my discharge drugs. I met a friend who I told what I intended to do and she eventually called the police. So after I had got home in the afternoon, crying my eyes out then sleep cos I hadnt' been able to in the ward. The copper came round and was ringing my door buzzer, which I refused to answer, then he shone a torch in my window and started throwing stones at my window. Eventually he had to break in a window at the main door to get to my door. At that point I thought it best to answer the door. So I ended up having a cop talking to me for about an hour and a half. He got the out of hours GDocs to talk to me but the dr was a patronising git. I got an appointment on Monday with a GP who wouldn't give me anything to 'calm' me down. Leaving her to get my prescription filled, I ended up having a kid pushed into me. 3 boys were walking along the pavement and right by me the middle kid decides it would be fun to push the one closest to me right into me. That brat ended up being pushed away by both my hands and more shouting and swearing. I did get to see another pdoc for a few minutes that week but not my normal dr. My normal GP has prescribed Chlorpromazine so that should help the anger. My pdoc and I talked about my anger an dother things but I was in such a state I can't remember much about it. Except I do feel at the end of my tether. I'm in such a state that I keep thinking of suicide and making plans. What drugs to take and when. How to cut and how deep. My left arm is such a mess from cutting. I saw my GP again today and so I have more codydromol and more chlorpromazine and 14 more sleeping tablets. My occupational therapist has suggested that I ask about possibility of more psychotherapy. The leavers group from the Therapeutic Community dosen't meet for another week and a half. I have things to do and I just can't be bothered dealing wioth them. I don't want to talk to friends, I don't want to deal with the car (MOT and Road Tax are due at end of this month), I keep thinking that I won't be alive in a few days. I want to die but I am such a coward I don't take enough tablets or am too scared to stab myself. Thing is I don't want to die alone and the way I am that is most likely.
  23. i made a complaint about the dr in a&e not giving me an xray as a matter of course when i wnt in with the overdose. they said i was offered a xray but i had refused no ne of which i remember although i remember othre things that happened that nigt. if they had just done an xray i wouldnt have had 18 days of pain before the operation. i feel that because of my mental illness they treated me differently than a mentally healthy patient
  24. still in pain and this timeits occurring when I am in bed and sitting upright (which is the nly way I can get to sleep). Managed to get through the night without getting up for a pain killer. Took tablets an hour ago and they are not helping with the pain. Tomorrow I see the consultant about my shoulder. I will be glad if he takes off the sling and I can at least manage to get a shower at last, I hate having to wash at the sink. There are bits of me that I can't reach. Parts of my arm/sholder are numb still, I hope that is not a bad sign.
  25. am in hospital with dislocated shoulder or rather its now back in.typingone fingered just finishedround of morphia should be getting outfriday. amazing that i was walking around like this for 2 weeks 3rd night in hospital and ive yet to get more than a nights sleep lots of thinking to do must go love to all eileen
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