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Hi guys, I'm (obviously) new here, but I've been looking for somewhere I can pour out my anxieties without feeling too judged, or judged at all if I can avoid it. I'm female, 29 living in the UK and have suffered depression since a young age. I think I was first aware I was suffering low moods when I was fifteen, but never thought too much about them. As I look back now, I have always had major avoidance issues with people, out of fear of being judged and reprimanded and I just don't work well with strangers. Over the years I've been to university twice and gained two seperate high qualifications, but each has been a dark struggle with wanting to lie in bed, cry and sleep all day. Over the next few years I've yo-yo'd with what I call 'highest highs and lowest lows'. I don't think I'm bi-polar, but let me explain a bit more. On a 'high' day, I consider myself active, functional, chirpy and happy. I don't often have days like these so I find it increasingly neccessary to fake it to those who love me and know me well. I know it's never a good thing, I recently found out. On a low day, I stay in bed, stare at the paint and I find my mind blank and numb. I interact with people but I feel so dead inside, nothing they say has absolutely any impact on me whatsoever. I had a big episode last year, in the middle of march. This was set off by me catching pnuemonia. I worked in customer service at an open window (I think we can all guess where this was...) and the extreme cold in the UK coupled with me constantly going in and out of hot to cold, made my chest and illness worse despite me telling management I was too wheezy to work at the window day after day. The outcome was predictable, I began coughing up blood and spent a considerable time at home, feeling like crud and wishing against hope I could drag myself out of the despair. This year, after limping onward with a mood I could feel getting lower and lower, I began to suffer stomach pains. My boss then fired me without cause and it felt like something in me finally snapped. I don't remember too much, which is probably for the best. I know I made out my will and settled my funeral arrangements. Despite being caught writing the note and frantic calls from my mother to the doctors, I attempted to take my own life. I was seen by an emergency assessor who diagnosed me with 'major depressive disorder' with 'extreme social anxiety'. It's taken them a long time to arrange counselling, almost two months, and in that time I've tried three further times. Each time I've been stopped by someone else. I feel at the end of a long dark road. I haven't showered or brushed my teeth since mid january. I dont think I've even washed my clothes or changed my bedding. I either sleep all day or come down to my desk like a ghost and fill my head with video games and documentaries about people who suffer. I seem to find it soothing watching those. My mother has attempted to lighten my day with aromatherapy and I know it's hard on her, hearing me cry and knowing I get 'out of my mind' sometimes. When I have days of insomnia, I stay awake doing nothing at all. My anxiety is probably even worse; I've never been good with strangers and lately this has become almost crushing. I don't leave the house, I haven't in almost three weeks. I know I have to soon because there is my counselling coming up. The last time I left the house, I tried to brave the outside and hit Asda. The bus journey was deafening in silence, and I was sure everyone was looking at me. I can't help but imagine their eyes boring into my skin and the things they;re thinking about me, the words they're whispering about me. In Asda, with so many people in a tighter space, I could feel the panic starting to rise and I avoided looking at faces, trying not to notice their eyes or their lips and pressing myself against shelves to avoid touch. I was bumped into and I had a full blown panic attack. It felt like my windpipe was closing and no air could get in. My hands were shaking and the blood was pounding in my ears, and I went to my knees and then I blacked out. I haven't been out since. One of my qualifications is as an illustrator, digital. I can't even bring myself to put a pencil onto paper. Art was my greatest passion, now I can't even face it. On a lighter note; I hope one day that I can manage this properly. My aim is to be able to go into a cinema filled with people and sit there alone with them and watch a film. It's nothing grand or fancy, but if I can manage that step one day (hopefully soon) - then I can finally see some light on my road. (ps sorry if this depressed anyone, I'm having such a hard time right now and I'm struggling like mad to cope, thanks xx)
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Hi my name is Rasmus! Im 20 years old. My life seems so meaningless and im getting more and more lonely and trying to find an answer on how to become happy again finding good friends and keep my girlfriend! Im so tired of my life! I have been doing nothing for almost a year now! I was taking first step in the education as carpenter, but then i became in doubt if it was what i wanted and now im just stuck, don't know what to do! Ive never had many friends and ive always been a little shy and not that social and since i stopped on education it has just been getting worse and ive started to realise alot of things about myself! I got to change, i really need to change! The only good thing to say about my depression is that ive realised those things about myself and it makes me wanna change so i can become who i want to be! I feel like im a flower and that i have never started to bloom! Its what im waiting for and now i see that i will have to do alot of work to change myself! I have realised how important friends is and that its what makes life worth living! I have a very bad selfconfidence and im afraid of talking to strangers im afraid that they will find me boring and very serious, but its probably also true! I hope i can get myself up from this hole and that i can be free! I feel like im not being myself, i feel like im not the person i should be! Im not expecting to change into a superstar or such high expectations, but im hoping that i can forget about others opinions (which is something that i think alot about) and just feel free! It's not me being shy and isolated, but thats how ive become, ive slowly started to fade instead of blooming and if i had had more friends and have been more social i think it could have helped me alot, then i would be a different person! Now that i don't have friends, job and school i have terribly much sparetime! So im spending most of the time on facebook, which has both been a very bad thing because it has stolen alot of time, that i feel i have wasted, but it has also given me hope and belief in that i can get up from this whole! Facebook is the reason why i have found my girlfriend too! She is the best thing that have happened to me! She gives me hope that maybe im not useless, maybe im something worth! I can't describe how lucky i am to have met her, she is everything i dream of and i would do anything to keep her! She is from Malaysia so she's very far away! But still we both are so in love! Though i got her now as a girlfriend im still extremely worried about loosing her! I think i might be alot different in real life than on facebook! In real life im shy and scared to talk to strangers and not good at talking, but on facebook i feel free! My biggest fear is that when im gonna meet her later this year i will make her disapointed, because i might be very shy and insecure + that im not that talking and social in real life! So i hope i can change before im gonna be with her in September for 3 weeks! She means everything! My biggest wish here in life is to get married and she's the one for me! So i will do all i can to keep her and to make her happy! I hope you guys got some advice on how to become more social and how to change! Being lonely and shy is just ruining my life! I got much to give i just got to be free! This is a verse from a song i made: "Though my life seems cold and dark I still have a spark Im waiting for the light Just waiting to ignite" Sorry if im talking bulls***, im not that good at writing posts. I really hope you got some advice, i need to change! And keep my amazing girlfriend! Start living life! Instead of turning grey! -
the days are getting longer & warmer ....but for me they grow lonelier & colder how I long to feel a caring touch a hint of understanding & acceptance when you look into my eyes of blue skies what is it that you see? will you? sit here with me? will you? sit on this park bench with me? in silence.... we both understand how we feel inside we both share the loneliness we both understand the hurt we both feel this unbearable pain so will you? sit here with me? will you sit on this park bench with me? gazing in the star filled sky as the grasshoppers chirp && the fire flies begin to light the night the warm breeze blows, grazing our skin how I long to enjoy this again how I miss the days when this would make me smile how I miss the days of laughter will you share this with me? laughter with words unspoken.... You don't frighten me Your dark thought do not scare me I understand you... You don't have to speak let's just look at the sky, you & I So will you? sit here with me...in silence.
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when somone says to me (you have your whole life ahead of you) or ( your still young) I reply to them that my mother passed away 3 year ago and she only made it to 60 and this year ill be 30 so my life is half over. Oh I know its a big world out there lots to see lots to do many people to meet. But for those of us stuck at a job we hate and cant get anything else because of lack of money and education, we feel buried alive with no hope of rescue. How can you tell someone that its a big world when all they see is 4 walls and no exit? I wont say much about myself other then my aga and im a man. I grew up into a school system that was content to let me sit at the back and fail untill I was deemed old enough to be kicked out. I was raised by a single mom, who thought that doing my homework instead of teaching me how to do my homework would be more productive. And in her later years due to fail relationships and her own failings decided to guilt and threaten and belittle me into submitting my self to a live of mediocor pay, failed relationships and over all seclution from anything other then work or sleep. My mothers side of the family consider me a black sheep who is not to be talked to or looked at. My siblings (2 sisters) one would like to see me dead, the otehr shows me pity because she herself can not do anything on her own. I am at a job where my boss would like nothing better then to retire in about 7 years, and it dosnt matter how or who but anyone he can throw under the bus or point the finger at or use as a shield he will. I can not leave this job, and I have no money to reeducate myself because I just make bills. And even if I went back to school I would have to start from grade 5 again. That is my level of education. I dont even know basic math skills. nothing above simple add subtract and multipy. If i wanted to do anymore id need a calculator. serfice to say i would be slaughered in my first few weeks of university level corses. why get a loan, to owe some bank, to go to a class to a person who may or may not like you and help you based on how they feel about you on top of understanding the subject matter and being able to support yourself and pay your bills while attending class. Let me tell you I will never learn because the system that would teach me dosent care about me, it wants my money and nothing else. Girlfriends will give you sex for cash. when you run out its buy buy and off to the next. Family only wants you around if you can do somthing for them or help them out. When people ask you to be a refrence on a resume its because they want to use you for somthing. I belive in christ but its all about the mission and donate money and collection plate and everyone getting paid. Im getting sick of these red blood flesh sacks thinging they are better because their family sent them to soem school and now they probley dont even know half what they learned. Shows like are you smarter then a 5th grader are proof of it. I challenge you to go to a high school and ask your avrage grade 10 student a math problem they should easly be able to know off the top of their head and see how lond and if they can even awnser it. Visit a speacil needs class and see if those needs are really being met or if they are just sitting in a room playing games waiting to get on some form of goverment social aid. No wonder people want to die. School, Work, Goverment, Police, Docktors, Lawyers, All professions, all peoples, all races and belifes, its all a sham and a lie. No one give 2 s***s about you unless you have more money and influance. Thats the bottem line. People only respect fear and power. If you have neither then you want some of it, and if you cant get it then your stuck under somone who dose. Thats your life and mine in a nutshell if your feeling depressed or suicidel then your probley in this kinda situation. Wish I had a solution for you. Oh yeah well Im at it, friends, had em in school and soon as I was out they all took off and not a word/ Do they care, hell know they want power and money or they want to have people afraid of them so they can feel powerful, do you think old friends care about you unless you can do somthing for them? hell no.
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Hello, I don't post on here normally but I have nowhere else to turn. I have been in a relationship for nearly 4 years. My boyfriend makes me the happiest person ever and I love him more than anything. But I never listened. I had been more ratty than usual over the past year, snapping at little things. I knew I was depressed, and he told me to ring the doctor. I never did, and things went too far and the other day after one little argument, he snapped and said he never wants to see me again. It is totally my fault for being too scared to phone the doctors. I have lost the love of my life because of it. So today, I finally got the courage to ring the doctor. My appointment is at quarter to 5. It is good that I am helping myself but I have still lost him. He is so so so mad and so so hurt, he just doesn't see any hope for us and says our relationship isn't real as we argued too much. I feel so alone and angry at myself. It was all my fault and now I've pushed him so far away without even realising it, I can't get him back. He went out the night we broke up and got drunk and then apparently sat in the corner of the club all moody, I hate to know I have hurt him this much. He is coming over for 5 minutes on Wednesday so we can exchange stuff, it is breaking my heart. He knows I am going the doctors now, but it is too late for us. I have ruined everything. Now I am going the doctors in a few hours, but I am wondering how it will help. How can life go on when I have let myself lose the person who loved me so so so deeply? I have hurt him so much, I don't even think there is anyway to get him back. What do I do? Please help.
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alrightie guys, first of all im sorry if i make any grammar mistakes , that’s because English isn’t my native language, surely ms-office is doing a great job with auto correction (not that im complaing ) :D .. anyways, im 31 years old guy, the eldest one in the family among my siblings and cousins , currently separated (arranged marriage)not that it matters . I have never, not even once talked about what bothers me inside, my life , relationships or whats in my mind . girls would go like (if only I know what’s inside your head) , sadly, I find that talking about myself is a sign of weakness , I mean, who am I to talk about what bothers me , what makes me depressed and think about harming myself, while other people on this planet are getting raped, killed or living in the streets without a shelther, food , or even decent clothes to keep them warm at night. I think I developed a thought that I have no right to complain , I have a roof above my head, some food to eat and for that im thankful. I survived harming myself a few times. I really stopped caring about whether I live or die. People call me heartless cuz I say that truth no matter how it is without coating it. I don’t believe in love “sorry ladies” , to be honest, I made myself to believe that love is only an excuse for other people to get what they want. “I love you, give me your money, I love you, lets have sex” its always something you need to pay for being loved. Im sure you probably disagree and say that love is still around, I would say, probably, but not for me. I mean, to love someone, you’d be able to forgive your loved one even If they step over your head, me? The funny thing is , I used to be that nice guy that would forgive anyone, understand everything , if you slap me on the face, I’d be like “if it makes you happy, slap me more” . to be honest, I don’t miss my old self, its dead. And when I remember how kind and understanding I was, I would go puke. So what turned me like this you say? (hey if you aren’t wondering about that why are you reading?.. shoo , shoo!! Go away!!) :P “big sigh” , well… It all starts with the parents…. (I’ll pause here for a while cuz it triggered some bad memories, im going out for a while). Alrightie , my mother comes from a poor family , who was forced into marriage when she was 15 years old to distant relative who’s been rich. I came to this world. 1 year after that marriage. Well, I don’t remember my childhood , that’s for sure. Dad never really cared, the only thing he cared about was providing food for the family , the rest was thrown on mom. So, being abused by my dad’s side of the family, having no family support on her side at all , no money to do anything, completely trapped. She had to take out her stress on her children. And who’s the best candidate for that? The eldest one of course. After my mom grew a bit old. She’s like “I feel sorry for abusing you” and im like “don’t worry I forgive you” . I used to self harm a lot, cuz I stopped caring . I was one of the top students in school even though I never studied. When I graduated from high school, got a scholarship to the states? What do you think was my parents reply? .. “was that all you could do? You didn’t even get in to medicine college?” I was like “I don’t wanna operate on a human body that’s why I choose engineering”. (sigh again) . not even a hug, not even a word “congratulations” . Dad is a professor in a college, he’s rich, but his brain is so messed up, he thinks he’s better than everyone else, if its not his way, then its wrong. He often used to tell me “under my roof , under my rules” , I’d often go “**** your rules” and end up leaving the house, since I am the eldest in the whole family , my uncles and grandparents come to me, and tell me its my duty to go home and do whatever my dad tells me to , cuz that’s the duty of the eldest son. Having no where to go, no place to feel welcomed to I decided to go back to my home and stay there, be the good son that everyone wish to have. If I get abused, I say “yes , whatever you say”. Lets say I used to get abused up until I was 21 years old , I used to practice martial arts back then, whenever I was stressed , I used to go there, punch the punching bag. I used to pick fights in the streets , if someone bothers me while I am driving, I would ram my car into his . I even used to pick up fights with the cops. I don’t know how I managed to stay out of jail, probably my family’s influence . just to clear things up, my dad used to abuse my up as well. I used to think of it as practice for martial arts :P . I refused to take money from my parents cuz they kept humiliating me, so I used to work and study at the same time. s***ty jobs and often I barely have enough money just to pay for gas. I used to do the groceries for him, pick up my siblings from school and drop them there, do their errands, it was hell. Anyways…. I knew a girl , she was also rich, but of course she never knew about my relationship with my parents, I used to hide with a smile and lovely romantic behavior , roses, restaurants . it lasted for 8 years, when it came to marriage, she decided we weren’t right for each other since her family doesn’t want anyone with a different religion, I mean what happened to the promises? I had a fight with my family over here and did my part cuz my parents never agree on marrying someone outside of the family. When it came to her part, she said she was sorry and she found the right guy. Since im not a stalker . I wished her happiness and let her go. Met few girls after that and all I heard was “you’re a nice guy, but sorry, my ex wants me back , and I love him” (typical **** off line). I got depressed, really depressed , I had no freedom, no money , no friends , all those who are call themselves my friends were only around me cuz they wanned help with their studies, no love from parents or a girl friend, I used to spend my time alone at the beach looking at the sunrise and wondering , whats wrong with me? What have I done to deserve this, should I just die and leave everything behind, to put an end to this suffering? I got into lots of accidents, from speeding. all I heard was “WHAT THE **** DID YOU DO TO THE CAR NOW?” .. I mean the first thing you’d expect to hear would be “are you hurt? Are you ok?” , I never got it out of my parents. I got kicked out of college for absence , I was too depressed to attend classes, I would just go to the library and help some students who had problems, and never show up for the midterms or finals . I was a ******* mess. Of course , after I got kicked out of college. No one knew for 2 years. I used to pretend that I was attending classes , then I decided to blow it. Wow, my parents were really disappointed in me, neither of them would talk to me for 6 months or even allow me to have a meal with them,yet, they still demanded that I help my siblings with their school and errands. I lost 25 kg (50 lb or so) , no sleep , no food. Just thinking about dying. After that I had to borrow some money, save a lot of money and decided to go to a trip to paris alone , I spent 15 days, done crazy stuff , got a busted knee, I couldn’t go back to martial arts anymore. It was over. After that, on a rainy day, I was walking alone in the rain, thinking “whats the point in all this?” after that, I decided to change, no more being nice guy, no more letting people step over my head. No more giving a s*** about other people. Love does not exist, I started filling my head with thoughts and came back another person. I went back, decided to continue college, got a deploma in mechanics , sadly that year wasn’t a good year, so they didn’t send students on scholarship even though I was the 2nd best of all students. I got a job. The 1st thing that my parents would do is to make me get married to a relative, to strengthen the bonds between the two families , they had to put the fake smiles and show what a perfect family we are. To be honest, I didn’t care , so I decided to agree. Was living 8 years of my life with a person that I don’t know anything about, I don’t love, I had 0 common things, we don’t like the same food, we don’t like the same style of clothes, colors we never shared the same opinion , we don’t have the same mentality. She’s one of the rich spoiled people who doesn’t give a s*** about anything as long as she buys guccie and prada , shoes, bags , dresses, diamonds , or spend a night at the w-resort in the Maldives, that’s like 1700 bucks a night? I have a 5 years old son , and 2 on the way. She fills up his head with bulls*** and he often comes to me and ask why cant mommie lives with you. Anyways, I might have to get her back, cuz I want my son to have a normal life, a childhood and happy moments. I have never been drunk , not even once in my life. I don’t drink even. I don’t know what would happen if I lose control over my brain and let go. Anyways, what am I now? I am the kinda guy who you’d come to when you’re in trouble, listen to your problems, give some nice advice. Or just listen without saying anything, when someone asks me “don’t you wanna talk to me about what bothers you?” I’d reply “don’t worry your problem is a lot bigger than mine”, I would go to http://lifesucksbigtime.com/ , give advice and try to cheer people up. I love animals more than human .. anyways, im usually nice to kids , somehow they do not fear my scary looks , if I see a kid crying in the street I usually go there and buy some candy and give it to the parent , or make some funny faces to cheer them up , I’ve been called crazy many times in my life , I think only crazy people with no restrains can enjoy life. Right now im a certified diver, I dived with sharks and been to some nice wrecks at night , its so scary, but amazing at the same time. My son is the reason im staying a live right now. Im the good employee, I tell jokes, make everyone smile and laugh , when someone is in trouble I help them out. If 2 friends have a problem with each other, they end up dragging me in between and I fix them “including my parents and their sons and daughters” how ironic. But you know whats funny ? do you ever have the feeling that you’re surrounded by many people? But yet, you’re lonely? I despise family gathering, cuz yet, I have to put a fake smile, and listen to everyone nagging about how they couldn’t travel or buy the newest model car. Now you’re wondering, ok whats wrong? Why are you depressed? Why are you here? I admit ,my problem is not like everyone else, I managed to pull myself up , I don’t wanna **** myself but I don’t care how im living my life (that’s an improvement, right?) . I don’t hate my parents, I just feel sorry for them, cuz I wont visit their graves when they die, I wont remember the happy moments I spent with them cuz I don’t have any , I did not have a childhood or a normal teenaged life. I am depressed cuz im alone , I have no real friends, it would be months or even years for someone to call me and say “hey, I was just wondering how you are” , even though I used to call them all the time to ask about their health. They only call me when they are having a bad day. I have no one that loves me, someone who shares a passion with me. Im alone, yes , some of u would say I already have a son… but I want a special person, who’s only nice to me cuz they care about me. Thinking about me when im gone. Sad if im sad, happy when im happy. Who’d nag at me until I tell them what bothers me. Sadly im only surrounded by materialistic people , like once a girl, called me crying and wants to die cus her parent didn’t buy her 7000 bucks guccie bag -.- Sometimes I wanna blow up, scream , shout, bash things. That’s when I lock myself at home until it passes away . I don’t know, compared to lots of people , my problem is the silliest one, im all alone at night, at work, when I travel. I just hope I don’t die alone. The only way to keep myself from going insane is to keep tipping people, giving some change to bums in the streets, looking for people who are suffering and help them out. Volunteer to help animals. But in the end, I always wonder, who’s gonna be there to help me. I haven’t cried for 15 years . I think I developed a second personality, but I don’t wanna talk about that. It’s the 1st time I talk about my past, whats in my mind , and what I did , what I do. Its never easy to tell people around that you need to talk to, but they never care. I think its easier to be invisible, talk about your life and vanish. So I wont talk about my life anymore, I only talked about what comes to my mind . I hate people seeing my conversations , so If you wanna help , or you wanna talk, just send me a pm, and I promise I’ll reply. If not, thank you for wasting your time reading this crap :) . i dont know, maybe this step would make it easier to be open about whats inside me. i have to admit , telling the story makes me feel stupid. but im glad im not alone who's suffering from the same problem. thats it , i guess.
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It's nearly Valentine's Day and this is probably the worst occasion even more than the Christmas holiday! I'm so lonely, sad and depressed!
