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Found 3 results

  1. Hi, everyone... I hope you're all OK tonight. So I'm supposed to go on a road trip with my husband tomorrow...we will be visiting my in-laws. But this post is about a past relationship, one I had before I met my husband. I've been having a LOT of difficulty letting go of the past. I'm still holding onto painful memories and bitterness toward my ex-boyfriend, as well as his family and friends because of the way they all treated me. I know that relationships often fail for different reasons but I will try to explain why I'm still hurt by what happened. I started dating him (my ex) when we were in high school, at about 15 or 16 years old. We had a platonic friendship before that. Anyway, our backgrounds were very different. I was of mixed race, I was shy, and not very popular while he was African-American and not shy in the least...he was friends with pretty much everyone. No one bullied him, but I was the constant target of bullies in and out of school. He was a really sweet person back then. He stood up to some of the people who made fun of me and he had a way of making me feel somewhat better about life. I came from a broken home, a very toxic environment with an abusive stepfather and a mother who loved me but didn't understand my emotional needs. I had no friends and no other family who cared about me. I was very lonely. So you can see how a young girl with low self-esteem can easily fall for a guy who tells her she is pretty and showers her with attention, which is what he did. His parents are wealthy and although he had some issues with his father, he had a loving family. He never had to endure the constant verbal and emotional abuse that I went through. His mother and some of the other people associated with him didn't like me. I'm not sure why, really. I can only guess at some of the reasons...the color of my skin, my physical appearance, and the fact that I was considered "weird" because of my extreme shyness. His mother was a bit prejudiced and she would make comments about my fair skin, almost like she was trying to belittle me for being light-skinned. It became more complicated when we started having sex and his parents found out. His mother decided that she hated me even more because of that. In her eyes, I was just a slut who corrupted her little boy. His friends had a problem with me, too. I never did anything to his family or friends but they all hated me. They would tell him right in front of me that he could do better. I wasn't pretty enough, I was weird, etc. His father was always nice to me but I felt that it was more about pity than sincere kindness. The relationship ended back in 2007 after a series of very unfortunate events. I made a lot of terrible mistakes, which I still beat myself up over. I take full responsibility for my actions but I also attribute my bad choices to the lack of love and attention I had. I had a late-term abortion in 2004...I was basically forced to terminate the pregnancy. It was either that or wind up dead or living on the streets. I was in my early 20's, I had no money, and I couldn't support a child on my own. I was very confused and lost. His family made it clear that they would not help me. They are very judgmental people and they are extreme pro-lifers. They wanted me to have the baby, but they expected me to be on welfare. They did not tell him to take responsibility for his actions. Instead, all of the blame fell on me. My mother did NOT want me to have a baby out of wedlock. My stepfather would have k***ed me if he had known about the pregnancy...I mean that literally. After the abortion, his family put me through hell. They turned against me, adding to the abuse that I've suffered most of my life. My ex had issues with substance abuse and he became abusive towards me after I terminated the pregnancy. Not physically, but verbally and emotionally. He would blow up at me over nothing, calling me the most horrible names and saying I was stupid. Our conversations would consist of me crying uncontrollably. He even asked me if the baby had been his, implying that I was promiscuous. When he found out about another mistake I'd made, he told everyone about it. He slandered me to everyone. Anyway, we broke up and I met the man who is now my husband. I love my husband but I can't stop thinking obsessively about my ex. I replay all the things that happened in my mind. I remember the nights I would lie awake, sobbing into my pillow because of how he treated me. I remember the time he cheated on me and contracted an STD...I forgave him for that, although he denied cheating on me, but he couldn't forgive me my mistakes. I can't allow myself to remember the good times we had, because that would just be even more painful. It feels "safer" to be angry and to hate him, to hate all of them. He is now with somebody else. He has been with her since about 2009. During one of the last conversations we had a few years ago, he told me that I could be replaced. That hurt me deeply. I can't fathom saying that to anyone, let alone a person I once loved. This girl has pictures of them together all over Facebook. I've heard that he treats her very well and that she is happy. She is even friends with his sister on Facebook. But what really hurts is the most recent picture that she posted on Facebook...she is holding a baby boy that looks just like him. I'm convinced that they now have a baby together. It tears me up inside. I guess this proves that I haven't recovered from my broken heart. I've just been able to hide it. I'm married and my husband doesn't seem to want kids, but this girl seems to have all the things I want, except that I'm more attractive physically. His family seems to have accepted her just fine, while I was treated like crap. This only confirms my feelings of being unloved and unwanted. Sure, my mother and my husband love me, but this is a situation that not even therapy can fix. I'm sorry for my long-winded post. I know I sound like an obsessive nutcase. I know that it is unhealthy to focus on the past, especially as a married woman. But I don't know how to move beyond this. I thought I was getting better...but I'm not sure anymore. Has anybody else been through something like this?
  2. Hello, I'm 21, and in college. I'm severely down for some days and urgently need some emotional support. This is about a professor of mine at college. He's a little aloof, rude and a trifle arrogant.Yet he's a genius and extremely open to people who can approach him. I used to dislike him for his attitude, yet in the past year I'd begun to find myself somewhat fascinated by his nature. I always find myself criticizing him for his aloofness, yet want to make friendship with him. Like...understand him and dissect him intellectually...he's such an interesting guy. He's not in our class presently, but I'm really fascinated by him and want to get to know him better. As in, forge a close teacher-student relationship. But the trouble is, he seems to behave in a rather stiff and restricted fashion whenever I approach him. Today, I went into his office to show him an interesting book on his subject that I'd bought recently. But I was rather hurt by his reaction. He didn't show much of an interest, just mumbled a few facts about the book, and then right away excused himself and walked out of the room.The way he got up and walked out casually saying, "oh well, got a class now." Though he didn't have any at that moment. Later in the time I saw him chatting with some students. He actually had a class much, much later. It seemed like he was trying to get rid of me. I might be wrong for all you know, but it seemed that way. It was really disheartening for me and it made me feel inferior when I saw him smiling, chatting openly with his close students. And ever since, I'm feeling like . Nothing I can do would make this depression go away. Please offer a word of consolation.I keep on over-thinking the situation and "why did he do this?" And it hurts me so much. I've had to muster so much courage to go up and talk to him, and he snubs me this way. All I wanted was to be talked to freely, and instead he gives me his disinterest. I know that he probably did not intend it, but even that thought cannot make the hurt go away. Sorry if I sound ******** , but,PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, I really need some emotional support right now. I need to be told something to make me feel better. :verysad3:
  3. Hi everybody... this is the first time I've started a thread since I've been on DF. This is yet another night where I can't sleep because I'm tortured by depression. I apologize in advance for any potential triggers. I have come to accept that very few people care about me. While I'm sure that some people do love me very much (my mother and my husband), they have other priorities in life and they don't understand my pain. I have no one to talk to. My depression is slowly eating away at me. I am dying inside and no one cares. I am 28 years old. I have no friends, no job because of a severe learning disability, no children, and I'm a mental/emotional wreck. I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder due to years of bullying and abuse of various kinds, including discrimination based on my race. I rarely leave my apartment anymore. I feel ugly and unworthy of love because of how I've been treated over the years. My husband loves me in his own way but he doesn't understand what I deal with on a daily basis. Sometimes he will try to comfort me, but at other times, he can be a bit insensitive. He thinks that I have a "woe is me" attitude when this is not the case. I'm not looking for pity...I simply need to feel that I matter to somebody in this world. The last attempt I made at therapy was a dismal failure. The therapist was not only uncaring but very cruel in her responses to anything I said. She didn't listen. If I can't even find a therapist who cares, there is no hope. My life means nothing. I mean nothing to anyone. My family never loved me. I've always been a joke to them. Before I met my husband, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship that scarred me deeply. I was abused in the same way by my stepfather, who continues to belittle me to this day. My biological father was never really involved in my life that much but now he calls me constantly...I'm hurt, angry, and confused. He was never there when I needed him most and now he is trying to make up for lost time. Where was he when my stepfather was hurting me and destroying me mentally, as well as emotionally? My mother also played a part in this because she stood by for years and allowed it to happen. This has had a profound impact on my mental/emotional health and my whole life. I've never had stability, security, and the things that many other people enjoy...friendships, a good job, and a sense of self-worth. My life is just a black hole. I will never be somebody in life. I'm a loser. Perhaps I deserve to be hurt. I'm sorry to complain. I know that others have it worse, but at the same time, I'm sick of having my pain ignored and minimized. I'm sick of being judged. I'm sick of being shunned and misunderstood and rejected. Most of all, I'm sick of life...even as I recognize that there is still some beauty in the world and I shouldn't take it for granted.
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